The Facts of Life: Starstruck

August 11, 2014March 13, 2016 ~ theveryspecialblog ~ 1 Comment

This is one of those shows that I am technically too young for but could not escape in syndication. The Facts of Life was a show about a group of girls at a boarding school. The entire series was basically a very special episode with every single show ending in some kind of big deal life lesson. I mean, they covered literally every single “ism” in the book and then some. So how have I managed to select a very special episode for this post? This episode has Jermaine Jackson.

In fact, I think this episode scripted more fans for Jermaine than he actually had in real life. Tootie (Kim Fields) is the president of the Jermaine Jackson fan club and she thinks that she and Jermaine know each other. I mean literally know each other–as in pen pals. She’s like fifteen years old but she cannot tell the difference between a rubber stamp and an actual signature. Please, I’ve known the difference ever since I received a packet of information form Gerald R. Ford for a project in the fifth grade.

Creepy cult worship activities. Can you imagine what this would have been like if he had more top 40 hits?!

But that is not the point. The point is that Tootie is delusional. Everyone is encouraging her not to be obsessed with Jermaine and so on and so forth, but no one has addressed the fact that she has essentially started the cult of Jermaine Jackson. She has a group of girls play records until midnight and then open the window and yell Jermaine’s name so that he will hear them hundreds of miles away in New York City. She is also working on a paper mache sculpture of his head that she won’t let any of the other club members touch.

Tootie gets hysterical when she cannot go to the Jermaine Jackson concert, and I mean literally hysterical. Mrs. Garret (who is basically a random woman in charge of all of these girls but like whatever do not question it) agrees to take her to the concert because she think that Tootie has had a psychotic break and she does not know what else to do to help her.

Nothing to be concerned about here... — Nothing to be concerned about here…

Is this not a school? Do they not have resources like a counselor? Or her parents? But no, it’s probably best to take her to the concert where the dude she stalks will be. Of course, she eventually gets to meet Jermaine Jackson, hang out with him, and learn a very important life lesson, but I’m getting ahead of myself.

Tootie arrives at the concert and is completely shocked when she gets to Jermaine’s dressing room and realizes that he has no idea who she is. He tells her that he is too busy with his music to deal with fans. (Hahaha give me a break) She also finds out that everything she has ever read about Jermaine is essentially a lie, and frankly that is kind of sad. Tootie lives in a pre-internet world, so I guess I cannot totally blame her for believing celebrity magazines. She ends up being all sad for Jermaine because she thinks it must be hard to be famous. She ends up crying at the end of the episode and saying that he said “thank you.” I think that it’s implied that this thank you is for talking to him like a normal human event though Jermaine does not seemed stressed out at all about being a celebrity. In fact, based upon my casual observation, I’d say he’s probably the Jackson most eager to be a celebrity. Oh well, I guess Tootie learned her lesson? I mean right? No one like wants to talk to her about why she got so crazy in the first place? Guess not.

Creepy cult worship activities — Love the glitter, Jermaine.

Very Special Lesson: If you’re obsessed with a celebrity, become hysterical enough that the people who love you are scared of you and then they will take you to meet said celebrity.

Very Special Movie: Fifteen and Pregnant

August 7, 2014August 7, 2014 ~ theveryspecialblog ~ 2 Comments

Hi there! I’m going to be trying a new thing where I post a “Very Special Movie” each month. This month’s movie is “Fifteen and Pregnant,” starring Kirsten Dunst.

Fifteen and Pregnant

This movie starts with them having sex, so like wow we are seriously getting down to business here. During foreplay, Kirsten Dunst is also talking about how bummed she is that her dad doesn’t live with their family anymore…so if you weren’t already thinking that this was a bad decision, you should probably be pretty sure of that now.

It’s okay though because Kirsten gets her period in the very next scene. Only, it’s probably not okay because this movie is called Fifteen and Pregnant. The next time Kirsten sees her boyfriend, he tells her that he is too busy to date her during football season. Kirsten immediately runs away to see her friend and her friend asks her if she’s pregnant as soon as she tells her that she and her boyfriend broke up. This strikes me as odd.

However, in the car ride home we see that her friend has a baby and maybe is a little hyper vigilant because of it. And it turns out that her questioning was warranted because Kirsten missed her previous period. Plus, the pastor at her church said it was bad to use contraceptive because then it meant that you had already thought about having sex…what??

As a teen, I was always paranoid of teen pregnancy, which does not really makes sense because I’m pretty sure you have to be having sex to get pregnant. But I watched a ton of lifetime moves and it seemed like pregnancy was a very contagious head cold and that pretty much everyone who had sex got pregnant or maybe you just got pregnant anyhow due to proximity to hormones or whatever. But now that I am no longer a teen, I’m like looking at Kristen’s mom and thinking “what the hell. She’s got a child who is going to have a child??” That seems very overwhelming because you still have to be a parent to your kid (and maybe their kid) no matter what they decide.

Kristen’s friend suggests that she have an abortion and Kirsten yells at her and is all like “THAT’S THE MOST HORRIBLE THING EVER. I WOULD NEVER DO THAT.” And that’s fine if you believe that, but I kind of want her friend to ask her why. I know that she has to be pregnant for the plot of this movie, but I wish that someone could at least have a real conversation about her options. Oh wait, just kidding this is a Lifetime movie. How silly of me to expect anymore than this.

There’s also a strange scene where Kirsten and her younger siblings have a shouting almost unintelligible argument about the shame Kirsten has brought upon their family while the music she lost her virginity is playing in the background. Ugh. Well ugh for two reasons 1. That’s a nasty juxtaposition 2. I wish there was some other phrase that I could have used in that paragraph instead of “lost her virginity.” I’m pretty sure she didn’t misplace it and I’m pretty sure that it wasn’t stolen or given away. But yeah the same music that played when she first decided to have sex is also playing when she’s arguing with her siblings about her pregnancy. I think this is meant to highlight the consequences of her actions?

The mom’s of the two teen mom’s end up going to the gym and have a more in depth discussion about Kirsten’s choices than Kirsten does. God forbid anyone like actually talk to the pregnant teenager here, right? The absentee father shows up (oh sorry, absentee from the original nuclear family—not from the one Kirsten is starting) and says that Kirsten and her mom can “probably” raise the kid on their own (“probably” that’s great) and that if they decide to go down that path he hopes they’ll consider letting him help. And Kirsten’s mom yells at him and is all like No, I hate you! So…she sounds like she’s going to be a great grandma.

Kirsten has to go to school in a trailer now on the edge of the public school property. I can’t believe this is legal. I used to work at a public high school and there were unfortunately many pregnant teens wandering around. But at least they weren’t hidden away, I suppose. This feels sort of archaic. What backwoods town does she live in? Or am I just uninformed?

Eventually, no one shows up to her baby shower and it’s very sad. After the party, Kirsten and her mom have this heart wrenching conversation in which Kirsten says that she wanted to know what love feels like from the inside, and that she finally has something that belongs to her that she can look forward to. It’s actually one of the most depressing things I’ve seen in a while, especially because her mom looks so horrified and baffled as to how her kid did not know how much she loved her. Thank goodness her family gets back together and rallies around her before she gives birth because I could not have handled it if things got more depressing in this movie.

Here are my favorite quotes from this movie:

“I just want to be a good wife and mother and make my husband happy.”—Kirsten Dunst as dumb teenager

“It’s bad enough being pregnant without having to look like a total loser.”—Kirsten Dunst as dumb teenager shopping for maternity clothes

“Well you should have thought of that before you had sex.”—Kirsten Dunst’s fictional mom who is oversimplifying the issue while shopping for maternity clothes

“I’m not doing that much with my life. Might as well have a kid, right?”—The teen father-to-be.

“We can grow up together. The three of us.”—Also the teen father-to-be.

Very Special Lesson: Condoms.

I know the issues here are so much more complex, but oh my God it would be so much easier to deal with those if someone hadn’t condom-shamed poor Kirsten Dunst before this movie started.

3 Reasons Why I Will Never Post About Jesse Spano

August 6, 2014August 6, 2014 ~ theveryspecialblog ~ 1 Comment

We’ve been together for several weeks now on The Very Special Blog, during which time you have probably noticed that I love Saved by the Bell. Perhaps, you have picked up on the fact that I scour all of the episode listings in order to find any episode that even kind of fits my interpretation of the “very special episode” so that I can share my love of said episode with you on the internet. I find that watching Saved by the Bell is my sitcom equivalent of going to Walt Disney World and thus I will find any excuse to make it happen as frequently as possible without ruining the magic that is this blissful nostalgia bond.

That being said, I’d like to go ahead and address the elephant in the room. I know you’ve probably all be wondering when I will post about the infamous “Jesse’s Song” a.k.a I’m So Excited: The Caffeine Pill Addiction. Well, the truth is I won’t be posting about it. And here are some reasons why:

I think we all need to give Jesse a break.
Sure we all know that as far as addictions go, caffeine pills are the most tame by far. But of all the Saved by the Bell characters, Jesse was totally the most likely to become an addict. I think she was the only character that ever felt any kind of actual pressure in life. I mean sure they all went through “rough times” but Jesse was trying really hard to make good grade, do 700 extracurricular activities, and overcome the patriarchy. That’s a lot of work for any seventeen year old, especially one with a type-A personality. As far as I’m concerned, we should all be grateful that Jesse got her hands on some caffeine pills and not amphetamines like Liv Tyler in Empire Records.
Liv was having a hard time in that movie.
I too am a caffeine addict.
I don’t think I’m in any kind of position to judge Jesse Spano. There have been multiple occasions where I’ve thought to myself, “Maybe I should give caffeine pills a try.” Look, I see that Jesse Spano clearly used them to excess, but I work long hours and I don’t get a ton of breaks, so I have to wonder if the occasional pill might be a little convenient for when I can’t get my hands immediately on a cup off coffee. Personally, I’m still waiting for the day where they invent an IV drip for caffeine, but I understand that is not really a priority in the medical profession. But long story short, I love coffee. I love the taste, I love the smell, and I love the eye popping affect it has when I’m falling asleep at my desk. I simply cannot judge her for hammering back the caffeine.
On all of those Buzzfeed quizzes where they tell you to pick your favorite drug and all of the options are like smoking weed, drinking alcohol, or doing coke… I seriously consider picking the cocaine option because it is the most chemically similar to coffee. And then I think to myself, “My God, what is wrong with me?!” Luckily, they usually tuck a steaming latte picture somewhere in the bottom corner of the quiz options, so I’m always able to save my dignity at the last minute. (Kids, it’s NOT really that similar. Little changes in chemical properties make a big difference in the real world and no one should become a cocaine addict because they’re sleepy.)

There’s nothing left to say.
I don’t feel that I have anything interesting to add to the I’m so excited discussion. In the years since the episode aired it has become one of the most talked about and most parodied very special episodes of all time. My personal favorites are Bayside! The Musical! and that time Elizabeth Berkley herself recreated the scene on Dancing with the Stars.
The ladies of Bayside! The Musical!

If you were not wondering why I haven’t posted about Jesse’s caffeine pill addiction and subsequently are wondering why I am writing this post about not writing a different post, then I hope you enjoyed the list either way.

Saved by the Bell: Running Zack

August 4, 2014April 7, 2015 ~ theveryspecialblog ~ 10 Comments

When I was looking for this episode of Saved by the Bell, I totally missed it at first on Netflix. I thought with this kind of title it must have be about an athletic event and could not possible have anything to do with Native Americans. They wouldn’t use such an insensitive title for a very special episode, right? Well, I was wrong.

So you are in for a real treat with this one.

As it turns out, this episode does involve a track meet, but this only bookends the story. Also, the entire gang is on the track team except for Kelly who is a cheerleader (for track and field?) and Screech. I guess they left Screech out of the sport because he is a nerd, but he looks way more like the track kids I knew in high school than anyone else on this show does.

Anyhow, the crux of the episode is that the gang has to do a history report on their ancestors. Slater’s ancestors were bullfighters, Screech’s ancestors were Italian spies, and I seriously feel like they did not mention Kelly’s ancestors at all. Perhaps, they were cheerleaders at the Circus Maximus. Lisa’s ancestors escaped slavery and helped others to do the same through the Underground Railroad. Lisa says, “My family calls this underground railroad the original soul train.” Lark Voorhies breaks for a second and scoffs at this line because what writer ever decided to compare escaping slavery to a dance show? Seriously.

In this episode, Jesse has a lot of white guilt because her ancestors were slave traders. To make matters worse she has to present immediately after Lisa and right next to her poster of the Underground Railroad. I know you might want to give Jesse some credit for being aware of her white privilege, but that is not even the case here. She basically spends the entire day harassing Lisa because she feels bad and wants Lisa to make her feel better by letting her do random things for her. Lisa eventually threatens to beat her up if she does not leave her alone, and seriously no one could blame her if this thing came to blows. It’s like all of the energy Jesse usually devotes to flirtatiously calling Slater a misogynist is suddenly devoted to bribing Lisa and it is super annoying. Then it is Zack’s turn to present about his Native American forefathers. Screech helps him present by “being” a Native American prop, I think…

Luckily, his teacher calls him out on being a total jerk. He obviously knows nothing about history—he says his family is Cherokee from Burbank—so perhaps she should also be pissed at her own lack of efficacy. His teacher conveniently knows a chief, who educates Zack on his ancestors. On their second meeting he greets him as “Running Zack.” He says, “You run, you’re Zack, it works.” Then he offers this valuable lesson in cliches and offensive statements about why the “Indians” and the “white man” have such a gruesome history:

Zack finally gets his A when he comes to class in full stereotypical Native American garb. Poor Mark-Paul Gosselaar. What sixteen year old wants to dress up as a stereotype of a culture to which he has no actual relation? And as a job requirement? The worst part of all of this is that I truly feel like Saved by the Bell‘s heart was in the right place. They set Zack up with this whole it’s bad to stereotype, it’s important to know where you come from, and we need to respect other cultures plot-line. But then the writers/producers/tween Saturday morning audience either had or expected so little actual knowledge of history and culture that this episode ends up confronting one cliche with another cliche.

But then, things really get heavy when Chief Henry dies. There are only six minutes left in the episode! How are we going to wrap this up? Oh, of course, a dream sequence. And what do you suppose happens in said dream sequence? Chief Henry gives Zack a message on a handmade headband: Beat Valley. [In the track meet, you guys. Maybe you already figured that out, but I wanted to clarify just in case I skipped over the track meet part of this episode a little too much.]

Very Special Lesson: Sometimes Very Special Episodes are just so misguided, you guys.