Save the BSC!: The Unauthorized Baby-Sitters Club Parody Musical
Cast:
Kristy (f)–bossy totalitarian, president of the club
Claudia (f)–artistic, spacey, not book smart, clearly the coolest
Mary-Anne (f)–sweet, unassuming, childish, crazy?
Stacey (f)–has diabetes, can be a little bitch, New York Chic but as a 13 year old in the suburbs
Dawn (f)–California Casual, druggy, environmentalist, granola
Mallory (f)
Jessie (f)–junior member of the group along with Mallory. Ballerina. Probably Mallory’s only friend ever in life but probably just because they’re both junior babysitters
Jamie Newton (m/f)–child charge of the sitters
Suzi Barrett (f)–child charge of the sitters
Trevor (m)–cute boy from math class, stalker
The Dog (m/f)–Jamie’s dog
The Phantom Caller/The Taxman (m)–the only adult in this script
Songs & Scenes:
- INT-Claudia’s Room
- INT-Claudia’s Room/Stacey’s Room
Trevor is the Cutest/Diabetes (Claudia & Stacey)
- INT-Claudia’s Room
This is a Baby-Sitting Emergency! (The BSC)
- EXT-Kristy Walking Home
Everyone’s Dumb But Me (Kristy)
- INT-Suzi Barret’s House
The Burglar Alarm (Mary-Anne)
- EXT – Jamie Newton’s house
He Loves Me Enough to Stalk Me (Claudia)
Being Stalked for Real is No Fun (Claudia & Kristy)
- INT-The School Gym
Save the BSC (The BSC)
INT-Claudia’s Room
Claudia. (writes in Diary) I’m supposed to be doing my Algebra homework, but I cut out all of the pages of my textbook, so that I could use it to hide my stash of bon-bons. Besides, today is the perfect day to curl up with The Phantom of Pine Hill. The Phantom of Pine Hill is a really great mystery book about the teenage girl name Nancy Drew who NEVER has to do homework. But usually I put up with having to do my homework, since that is the only way my parents will allow me to continue to be part of The Babysitter’s Club. The BSC is something my friend Kristy Thomas thought up a few months ago where we all hang out in my room and talk about getting babysitting jobs and stuff. I’m one of the only thirteen year old I know with a full-time job.
(As Claudia describes each of the club members they materialize in her room/imagination in stereotypical behavior for each of their personalities. Mary-Anne is having a tea party with her stuffed animals, Mallory is doing nothing, Jessi is dancing, etc.)
I’m Vice President of the BSC because my room is club HQ, mostly because I am the only one with a private phone line. Kristy is really good at being a C.E.O. but she’s super annoying otherwise because she usually just bosses everyone around and judges us and stuff, which is weird considering she’s the one who dresses like her only source of clothing is hand-me-downs from high school softball players.Then there’s our club secretary, Stacey McGill. Stacey has diabetes. Dawn is the other blond member of the group. She’s our treasurer and her personal style is California Casual. For Stony Brook, Connecticut, she’s basically a hippie. Dawn’s step-sister is Mary-Anne. Mary-Anne is super sweet and she’s the only one of us with a boyfriend. I don’t understand how though because she still wears her hair in braids and talks to her stuffed animals. Then there’s Jessi Ramsey, who does ballet, and Mallory Pike. (Claudia is awkwardly silent because she doesn’t actually know anything about Mallory). I’m definitely the most creative one of the bunch. I like to make my own jewelry like these lobster earrings that I’m wearing right now. Not to brag or anything, but I’m definitely the coolest looking kid at my middle school.
(phone rings. It’s Stacey)
Claudia. Hello?
Stacey. Hi, Claud.
Claudia. Oh hey, Stace. What’s up?
(stuffs bon-bon into mouth)
Stacey. Nothing. What are you doing?
Claudia. (with mouth full of bon-bon) I’m reading The Phantom of Pine Hill which is this really great–
Stacey. I wish you wouldn’t eat candy when we’re on the phone together. It’s really insensitive to my diabetes.
Claudia. (gulps) Oh…Hey, so you know what? I’ve not really been paying attention in math class–and it’s totally not my fault–it’s just that I needed to use my book to oh–um–hold art supplies–so I had to cut out a lot of the pages. So now all I can do in class is look at Trevor.
Stacey. Oh, that kid who sits behind me?
Claudia. Yep. I first noticed him the day that you were wearing your pink and red flowered baggy jumpsuit with the simple pink tee underneath. Yeah, I think he’s just the cutest. Normally I express myself through my artwork but I think right now I could probably sing a song about him.
(cue “Trevor is the Cutest”/ “Diabetes” both girls are singing an unrequited love song)
Claudia
There’s this boy that I know from Math class
A class that I hate and fail
But everyday as I sit in Math class
There’s a love that I just can’t curtail
–(spoken) That’s a word Janine uses. Did I use it right? Janine’s my genius sister who is always trying to shove vocabulary down my throat–
But Trevor, Trevor is the cutest
He’s sweet and he’s strong,
There’s nothing he does wrong
I think–
though we never speak–
But I don’t care
cause no one could compare
to Trevor, Trevor is the cutest
Stacey
There’s this thing that I’ve had since childbirth
A disease that I’ve had all my life
Everyday I inject my insulin
I know my troubles will never end
Diabetes, it brings me to my knees
No matter how I eat,
I’m scared I’m so petite
If only I could eat as I please!
Claudia
Trevor, Trevor is the cutest
Stacey (an echo)
What’s a bon-bon taste like?
Claudia
This feeling is unreal
Let me tell you how I feel!
Stacey
Cuts and bruises that don’t heal
Everyday I feel fatigue
I guess I must concede
Claudia (like a backup singer)
Oh Trevor
Stacey
Diabetes, ohhh Diabetes!
Claudia
Trevor, Trevor is the cutest
Stacey (an echo)
I’d kill a man for chocolate
Claudia
I need him in my life!
Stacey (finishing the line)
Mallomars, I’ll be your wife!
Claudia
Gee, Trevor
If you would just go out with me
Stacey
I always have to pee!
Claudia and Stacey
How sweet life could really be…
Claudia. Oh, Stace, can you hang on a sec? I’ve got another call coming in.
Kristy. CLAUDIA. We’re all coming over right now. This is a babysitting EMERGENCY!
BLACKOUT
INT–Claudia’s room
(the babysitters are all sitting in a circle discussing the grave matter at hand)
Kristy. I’ve gathered you all here outside of our regular meeting time because we have a pressing matter of safety to discuss. Mary-Anne, as club secretary, please read the Stoney Brook News article I found this morning.
Mary-Anne. A bandit is on the loose in the sleepy town of Stony Brook, Connecticut. Victims have reported receiving multiple hang-up phone calls in the hours preceding home burglaries. It appears that the intruder, known as the Phantom Phone Caller, waits until no one answers the phone and then breaks into the home, stealing cash and jewelry. The Stony Brook Police Department has advised all homeowners to be on the look-out for any suspicious behavior, and to make sure all doors and windows are securely locked at all times.
(They sing “This is a Babysitting Emergency” It is plodding and serious)
Kristy
There’s a bandit on the loose in Stony Brook
And soon he could be headed straight for us!
We have to protect the youth of Stony Brook
Especially with the press and all this fuss!
Mary-Anne
Gee, Kristy I’m so scared
Jessi
What about Mallory?
She’s visually impaired.
All
And Stacey has diabetes!
Claudia
You guys, we’ll be okay
We always find a way
Mallory
Yeah we’re the BSC!
Jessi
We’ll avoid the Phantom’s spree!
Dawn
I’m sure it will be a breeze
Like when I saved the trees!
Stacey
(spoken) Don’t be so California Casual, Dawn.
(sung) You guys I think this could be serious
Claudia
But aren’t you just the least bit curious?
Nothing so mysterious
Has ever happened here, it’s always such a bore
Kristy
Yes, I agree that it’s serious
That’s something that I’d like to underscore
But really I don’t think it’s quite so perilous
We’ve handled babysitting emergencies before!
Dawn. Hold on. Does the article mention if he uses sustainable methods for breaking and entering? This situation would be so much worse if it is also hurting the environment.
Mallory. I don’t know if my mom is going to like me babysitting with the Phantom Phone Caller on the loose. Maybe we should take a break from babysitting until the police catch him.
Kristy. (in a blind rage) WHAT? Suspend business! Do you know how long it could take for the police to find this guy? How can you even suggest we stop taking jobs? DO YOU KNOW WHAT A BEATING WE’VE TAKEN THIS FISCAL YEAR? No, you don’t do you because I run the books and the scheduling for this club and you guys just reap the rewards.
Mary-Ann. Hey, Kristy, don’t you think you’re being a little harsh? She’s only a seventh grader.
Kristy. You’re right Mary-Ann. Due to the increased occupational hazard associated with the BSC, I am hereby issuing an executive order that will dismiss the seventh grade club members until further notice. (to Mallory and Jessi) You are henceforth suspended from working in the field and charged with restocking all of the kid kits until further notice.
(Mallory and Jessi groan)
Kristy. Or you could just not be in the BSC at all.
(tense silence)
Jessi. Okay, Kristy! We’ll stock the kid kits!
Mallory. We’ll start right now.
(Jessi and Mallory exit)
Kristy. Now for the rest of you, I think it’s best if we come up with some kind of a code to alert one another in the event that the Phantom Caller breaks into one of the kid’s houses we’re sitting at.
Stacey. Wouldn’t we just call the police?
Kristy. Stacey, sweetheart, we raise most of the children in this town. I don’t think we can rely on the adults to take care of this situation. (sincerely) They’re going to need our help. So, we need to come up with a plan for how we are going to communicate with one another if one sitter is at a house and needs another sitter to call the police for her. We definitely do NOT want the Phantom to know that we’re calling the police.
Claudia. Why not? Maybe the Phantom would get scared if he knew we were calling the police and he’d leave before he could steal anything.
Kristy. Oh Claud, it’s so obvious why you’re not very good at school. It’s much more likely that the Phantom, upon hearing that we’ve alerted the authorities, would kill us and the kids leaving no witnesses to his criminal rampage.
(The girls quietly but seriously think this over.)
Kristy. We have to come up with a code. I’m now accepting suggestions for BSC code language.
Mary-Anne. What about hair ribbons? We could call another sitter if we need that sitter to call the police, and we’ll say, “Have you seen my red hair ribbon?”
Stacey. Nobody wears hair ribbons but you Mary-Anne.
Kristy. It doesn’t matter. The Phantom won’t know that. It’s a good start Mary-Anne.
Dawn. But what if the sitter doesn’t need the other sitter to call the police yet? What if she only thinks she has heard The Phantom, but she isn’t sure and so she just wants to call another sitter to say she thinks she heard The Phantom but doesn’t need the police.
Kristy. Great point, Dawn. Maybe the color of the hair ribbon could change depending on what the sitter needs to communicate.
Dawn. Like we could say “Have you seen my blue hair ribbon?” If we want to say with think The Phantom is in the house, but we’re not sure so don’t call the police. And we could say “Have you seen my red hair ribbon?” if you definitely know The Phantom is in the house and need the other sitter to call the police ASAP.
Mary-Anne. How will the first sitter know if the second sitter got the message? We should come up with a code for response too.
Stacey. Maybe the sitter’s who is or is not going to call the police could say something like. “Yes, you left your red ribbon at my house,” so that the sitter knows the other sitter is going to call the police.
Mary-Anne. But what about if she isn’t going to call the police?
Kristy. Claudia are you paying attention?
Claudia. Oh yeah, totally.
Kristy. Well, maybe if the sitter is confirming that she won’t call the police, then she should say something like, “No, but I’ve seen the yellow one.”
Dawn. Yeah that sounds great!
Kristy. Okay, great let’s try it out. Stacey, you be the sitter who think that The Phantom is the house. And Claudia, you be the sitter that stacey calls.
Stacey. Okay, so I think that The Phantom is there but I don’t know. Okay got it. Ring, ring. Ring, ring. Ahem, Ring RING ring RING. Claudia, you have to answer the phone.
Claudia. Oh yeah, sorry. Hello?
Stacey. Hey, Claudia. It’s Stacey.
Claudia. Oh hey, Stacey. What’s up?
Stacey. Not much. I’m just sitting at the Jamieson’s house, and I was wondering, have you seen my yellow hair ribbon?
Kristy. NO, Stacey. They yellow ribbon is the response, NOT the question.
Stacey. Oh yeah. Sorry, I mean have you seen my BLUE hair ribbon?
Claudia. Yes, I have your blue hair ribbon at my house.
Kristy. No. No. O-M-G, this was so SIMPLE how did you get it wrong? Let’s try it again. This time, Claudia, you be the caller and Mary-Anne, you answer the call. And Claudia you definitely know that The Phantom is in the house and you need Mary-Anne to call the police for you.
Claudia. Hey, Mary-Anne. It’s Claudia. Have you seen my blue hair ribbon?
Kristy. Claudia, you have to ask her if she has seen your RED hair ribbon. The red one is what you ask about when you need the sitter to call the police.
Claudia. Hey Mary-Anne, have you seen my red hair ribbon?
Mary-Anne. Yes, I have your red hair ribbon at my house…but wait…how do I know where to tell the police to go? She didn’t tell me which house she is sitting at.
Kristy. Good point. Claudia, call her again and this time tell her where you’re sitting and that you need her to call the police.
Claudia. Hey, it’s Claudia. I’m sitting at the Barrett’s and I need you to call the police.
Kristy. NO, CLAUDIA. IN CODE! GOD, IT’S NO WONDER YOU’RE FAILING 8TH GRADE.
Claudia. Stop being such a bitch, Kristy. You wouldn’t even have the BSC if it weren’t for us, so why don’t’ you stop being such a jerk?
Kristy. Fine, I’ll keep a list of where everyone is sitting every day and then all of you just call me if you need the police but remember the hair ribbon code for the love of God! For tonight I think we should sit in pairs. Claudia, I’ll come with you to the Newton’s house and Mary-Anne you go with Dawn to the Barrett’s. Stacey, with your diabetes, I think it’s best if you don’t accept any jobs tonight. It’s too dangerous. (Stacey nods solemnly in agreement) Meeting adjourned!
BLACKOUT
EXT. The street.
(Kristy is walking home)
she sings “Everyone’s Dumb But Me” (brooding and powerful)
Kristy
Everyone is stupid
Everyone is dumb
I always have good ideas
And then they ruin all the fun!
I try to run a business
But it’s hard when they’re so dumb!
They want to suspend our service
because they have some nerves
But if they stop our business
they may finally get what they deserve
How will Claudia afford all of the stuff
She uses for her DIY crap
But I’m probably expecting too much
for her to have even thought of that!
Mallory’s got so many siblings
She can’t support them without a job
She’s lucky I’m letting her make kid kits
Without me she’d be a slob!
Dawn’s a total burnout
I stole her California Diaries
I’ve read them through and through
She’s lost too many brain cells
Even the kids, they know it’s true
(more gently) I know, I seem like a bitch
but I’m really just concerned
My friends are stupid assholes
That’s why I keep them on the dole
Without me they’d be lost
Completely useless fools
That’s why I have to be the boss
Without me they’re a bunch of tools
The losers of our junior high school
(As Kristy walks off stage/down the street, we see Mallory and Jessi enter, walking home from the store.)
Jessie. Wow, Mal, I think this penne is really going to make for some great jewelry. The kids are so used to macaroni necklaces, but this is like a total revelation.
Mallory. I know, I thought making kid kits would be the worst thing ever, but this is turning out to be kind of fun!
(A man in a trench coat enters. Mallory looks over her shoulder covertly, apprehensively.)
Mallory. Um, hey Jessi. I don’t want to sound crazy, but I think that maybe that guy is following us.
Jessi. Omg, me too. I noticed him following us in the store but I thought I was just being crazy.
Mallory. Do you think maybe we’re both being crazy?
Jessi. Well we do let that bitch Kristy Thomas tell us what to do. (both girls laugh and then Jessi, seriously) But now, Mallory, I don’t think we’re both crazy. I think this is a very serious situation. I think The Phantom is following us.
Mallory. Oh my God, what do we do?
Jessi. Let’s go back to my house. My Aunt Cecelia is there and she’s so scary he won’t bother us at all. Plus, he only attacks when no one is home.
Mallory. Good point. And then when we get to your house we can call Kristy and tell her what happened.
Jessi. Why should we call Kristy? She basically kicked us out of the club.
Mallory. Yeah, but she’s our friend, Jessi, and friends don’t let each other become the victims of a home invasion. They just don’t.
Jessi. Yeah, I guess you’re right. We can call her from my house.
BLACKOUT
INT. The Barrett’s House.
(Dawn, Mary-Anne, and Suzi Barrett are watching TV).
Suzi. Mom says I have to be in bed by eight and it’s already eight-fifteen.
(Mary-Anne and Dawn exchange a nervous glance)
Dawn. Don’t you want to stay up a little longer, Suzi? We could watch MTV.
Suzi. I’m not allowed to watch MTV.
Dawn. Maybe just this once?
Suzi. No, Mom says I can’t.
Dawn. Okay, I’ll tuck you in. Mary-Anne will stay here and…make sure everything is okay.
(As soon as Dawn and Suzi exit. Mary-Anne beings to freak out.)
(Hearing a faint noise in the background, and thinking it’s the burglar alarm, she decides there is no time to make the phone call and begins to set booby traps while singing “Burglar Alarm: The Auditory Hallucination Song” It’s frantic.)
Mary-Anne
Oh my God
Dawn?!
Did you hear that noise?
Maybe it was Suzy tripping over one of her toys!
Or Maybe is was the Phantom!
Or Maybe it was a noise inside my head!
I don’t know…
Sometimes I hear things
Like when my teddies and I have a party with tea
But daddy says that’s just me
Thinking inside my head
But when my mom was first dead
He sent me away
To live with my grandparents and never ever told me
So how can I trust him to know?
Which way the noises go?
Is it in my ear and to my brain
or to my ear and from my brain
I think I might just go insane
Because I think the Phantom’s here
Or if he’s not then he must be near!
Dawn?!
No, Mary-Anne you can handle this on your own
Sometimes you have to do things alone!
The girls think you’re a peach
But you know now that life’s no beach
You must set a booby trap!
It’s not a dirty word when you say it like that!
(taking charge) You’re the babysitter protect Suzi Barrett!
If you’re a girl with any merit
Now, it’s time to grin and bear-it
(spoken) You’ve messed with the wrong babysitter, Mr. Phantom.
(black out)
INT. Jamie Newton’s House
Claudia is alone. Kristy hasn’t shown up yet.
Jamie. When’s Kristy gonna get here? I want to play catch!
Claudia. I’m sure she’ll be here soon. Are you sure you don’t want to do some watercolors or make your mom a bracelet of out some old forks?
Jamie. Huh?
Claudia. (hears the phone ring) Hey, maybe we better take the dog out.
Jamie. Don’t you want to answer the phone?
Claudia. No, I think Rufus really needs to go out.
Jamie. No he doesn’t.
Claudia. Come on, Rufus! Let’s go outside, Jamie.
(Rufus is either a human dressed as a dog or he is a stuffed animal)
(The phone continues to ring unanswered)
Jamie. (looks at a clearly stressed out Claudia) I don’t think he has to go, but should we play or something?
Claudia. YES!
(Claudia and Jamie are playing as Kristy approaches)
Jamie. KRISTYYYYY!
Claudia. Omg, Kristy. We need to talk.
Kristy. What’s going on? (They look to make sure that Jamie and Rufus are playing and ignoring them).
Claudia. I think that the Phantom Caller called the Newton’s just a little while ago.
Kristy. Someone called and hung up?
Claudia. I don’t know…I didn’t answer.
Kristy. What??? (shaking Claudia) You stupid, stupid girl. He doesn’t attack if you answer the phone! We’ve got to go back inside immediately in case he calls! We HAVE to answer the phone!
Claudia. Stop shaking me! It’s not good for my pink sparkly high top sneakers! Isn’t it better to be outside if he attacks? He doesn’t attack the yard, right?
Kristy. Claudia, we’re the babysitters. That means we’re responsible for keeping the parent’s homes intact while they are gone. If we let the Phantom Caller take all of Mrs. Newton’s jewelry then we have failed as babysitters and on one will ever trust the BSC again. We have to get back in there now.
Come on, Jamie and Rufus. Let’s go back inside!
(the phone rings, Kristy rushes to it)
Kristy. Hello?? Oh, hi Dawn..oh geez, really? So the Barrett’s are coming home then? Wow. That’s terrible. Are you okay? Okay. I’ll let Claudia know. (to Claudia) Mary-Ann freaked out and set a bunch of booby traps to catch the Phantom and Dawn tripped over one of them after tucking in Suzi Barrett. They think she broke her arm, so they Barrett’s came home early from dinner, so Dawn’s mom can take her to the hospital. They haven’t gotten any phone calls.
Claudia. Good, maybe that means he’s left town.
(The phone rings again)
Kristy. (tentatively) Hello? (gulps) He hung up.
Claudia. Oh my God. Wait, who can we call about the hair ribbons? We have to call Stacey!
Kristy. No! She has diabetes!!! Forget the hair ribbons. This is serious. We have to call the police.
Claudia. But then won’t the phantom know that we are calling the police?
Kristy. He probably already knows!! He can probably hear us talking right now!
(The girls hear a thud outside a window. They scream.)
Jamie. What are you guys yelling so much about?
Kristy. Jamie. You and Rufus just sit tight for a minute. I’m going to need you to be a very brave big boy…what Jamie..NO…Don’t go near the window!
Jamie. Hey, there’s some teenager out here. Hey! Who are you?
Kristy. What…it’s Trevor from school.
Claudia. What? Trevor? TREVOR FROM MATH?
Kristy. (opens the window) Hey, have you been calling and hanging up?
Trevor. Um…yeah. I wanted to see if Claudia would go to the Halloween Dance with me, but I got kinda nervous when you answered.
Claudia. (climbing out the window) You mean you wanted to ask me to the dance so badly that you came all the way over here and hid under the window?
Trevor. Um yeah…
Claudia. Yes! I’ll totally go to the dance with you.
(Claudia sings “He Loves Me, He Loves Me Enough to Stalk Me” romantic)
Claudia
Trevor–OMG–Trevor!
NO way!
Trevor! EEEE is this really happening?
I can’t believe this is happening to me!
There’s a boy out there
A boy who care’s
A boy who loves me
ME!
Enough to stalk me!
(reminiscent of “Trevor is the Cutest”)
He loves me, loves me enough to stalk me
Trevor, Trevor really cares!
Stalking is really hard work
Like crawling around in the dirt
Beside Jamie’s parent’s patio!
Stalking is demanding
It takes true understanding
Of every minute and my habits all throughout the day!
He’s probably watched me painting
and see the way I fashion all my clothes!
(getting more operatic)
Trevor really knows
The way to my heart
We were never far apart
All this time, If I had know he was the caller
I would have answered each and every phone!
(phone rings)
Claudia. Hello? OHMIGOSHSTACEYYOU’LLNEVERBELIEVEWHATJUSTHAPPENED.
What? Are you Serious? OH NO! I’m calling the police!
Kristy. (interrupting ) Claudia! What did she say?
Claudia. Jessi and Mallory were followed by The Phantom when they were out getting stuff for kid kits. They’ve been trying to call you all afternoon, but no one was home so they finally call Stacey and she called here but he’s out there. He’s still on the loose and he’s following the BSC.
(Claudia and Kristy sing “Being Stalked for Real Is No Fun”)
Claudia
Being stalked for real is not quite so romantic
It really makes me frantic
Kristy
Claudia, don’t panic.
Claudia
I used to find this behavior kind of charming
but now it’s so alarming
Kristy
To know you’re never really all alone
Claudia & Kristy
(reminiscent of “Trevor is the Cutest”)
Stalking, stalking is quite scary
It really makes me wary
Of talking on the phone!
Kristy. What are we going to do, Claudia? We can’t call the police. Nothing’s happened. We don’t have any proof. They’ll think we’re just a bunch of crazy teenage girls!
Claudia. I don’t know, Kristy. But I really can’t worry about about this. I’m failing 8th grade, I have my first boyfriend, I need to make my halloween costume so that I can go to the dance as a Doc Martin Lobster boot. My plate is full.
BLACKOUT
INT- The Halloween Dance
(Everyone has on awesome costumes and they’re rocking out to some halloween jams. )
(we see The Phantom enter. The girls don’t realize at first but then Dawn notices and grabs Mary-Anne’s arm with her not-broken arm and then each girl silently tells the other).
(He approaches them. He stops in front of Stacey).
Phantom. Kristy Thomas?
Stacey. (let’s out a controlled squeal, shakes her head no, and points to Kristy.)
Other BSC Members. Stacey!
Kristy. Yes, I’m Kristy Thomas.
The Phantom. Kristy, I’m Stan Bradley from the Internal Revenue Service. Is it true that you’re running an unlicensed business here in Stony Brook?
Kristy. Um no. I’m just the president of our club.
The Phantom/Taxman. Does your club conduct multiple under the table business transactions each week?
Kristy. I’m not sure what you’re talking about. We’re baby-sitters…
Mallory. We do it for the kids.
(Kristy gives Mallory a withering look).
The Phantom/Taxman. I suggest you hire a tax attorney, Miss Thomas. Have him call me and we will setup a meeting for Monday morning. We have a lot to discuss.
(Taxman exits)
Dawn. Oh my gosh, what are we going to do?
Stacey. We’re finished!
Mary-Anne. Kristy you’re not going to go to jail, are you?
Claudia. Mary-Anne! Don’t say that!
Kristy. Guys, I have a great idea!
Claudia. Not again, Kristy. You’re great idea is what got us into this in the first place!
Kristy. No, I mean a really great idea. We have to show Stan Bradley how great the BSC is. Then he can’t possibly shut us down. We’ll get all of the kids we sit for together and have them make signs and banners and stuff. And we’ll put on this whole dance. Jessi can choreograph it. It will be great!
(excited murmurs)
Jessi. What? You almost kicked me out of the BSC. You had me making kid kits for the past week. I haven’t been able to buy lunch because you took away my income. Why should I choreograph a dance for you?
Mary-Anne. But Jessi. We need you. You’re a great sitter and an even better dancer. We can’t save the club without you! I know Kristy can be a little bit like a dictator sometimes, but she never meant to kick you out of the club. She’s just trying to keep you safe because you’re a junior member.
Jessi. That is so stupid. I do all of the same work as you guys and now you want me to help you out and I’m still some stupid junior member? I am so over this! You guys let Kristy bully you around all the time, but you’re all way cooler than her. I don’t get it!
Kristy. Listen Jessi. I was wrong. I shouldn’t have flown off the handle the way I did. But you’re my friend and I could really use your help. I’m sorry. I really can be a bully sometimes, but it’s just probably just because I’m thirteen and insecure about my sexual orientation. I’m super sorry and I’ll definitely make it a point to be nicer to you.
Jessi. And Mallory.
Kristy. Well, no offense but Mallory doesn’t really contribute anything to the group. She doesn’t really seem to have any dreams or personal goals or interests for that matter.
Mallory. I’m planning on being a children’s book author and illustrator! There’s someone from Scholastic interested in my memoirs of our club! I am the one who saw the IRS guy in the first place! HELLO? Do you guys even notice me!
Jessi. You have to take Mallory back too. And then I’ll choreograph the dance.
Kristy. Okay. We’d totally love to have you both back.
(All members of the BSC group hug.)
BLACKOUT
INT- The School Gym: Save the BSC
(banners and streamers and kid artwork are hung all over the place)
Kristy. Thanks everyone for being here today. I’d like to thank all of the club members for their endless hard work, especially Jessi for choreographing the dance we’re about to perform for you. I’d also like to thank our special guest, Mr. Stan Bradley of the IRS. Mr. Bradley, I think this dance will convey our message better than any tax attorney ever could.
(cue Music and “Save the BSC” It’s Pop-y, Like if The GoGo’s were cheerleaders at a pep rally on meth laced pop rocks.)
Dawn
Hey, Mr. Bradley
I’m talking to you!
If we learn to work together
There’s nothing we can’t do
All
Yeah! Save the BSC!
Save the BSC!
With a little love from you and from me
We can save the BSC!
Stacey
All the parents of this town
Work sixty-five hours a week
Mary-Anne
Lucky for Stony Brook,
we’re sitters with technique
Claudia
We’ve got fashion
We’ve got passion
We’ve got kids kits filled with art
Mallory
We’ll discipline your children without tearing them apart
All
Yeah! Save the BSC!
Save the BSC!
With a little love from you and from me
We can save the BSC!
Jessi
We all have specials skills like dancing and softball
Kristy
So if you need a sitter, try giving us a call!
All
Yeah! Save the BSC!
Save the BSC!
With a little love from you and for me
We can Save the BSC!
Save the BSC!
Stan Bradley. Listen, Kristy. I don’t ordinarily do this, but your club really made an impression on me. Additionally, it seems that you spend all of the money you make on something called “kid kits” which you let the children you babysit use for entertainment. I’m going to award you special 501(c)3 non-profit status. But you’re really going to have to be more mindful of child labor laws.
The BSC. Yay!! We did it! BSC forever!
(cheers and applause from the crowd. Cue “Friendship Conquers All” This song should have a xylophone.)
Kristy
Well, what more can I say?
We all worked together
And we saved the day!
Mallory
( spoken ) No Kristy, it wasn’t just the BSC that saved the day. It was friendship.
Mr. Bradley’s our friend now too. Right, girls?
All
(spoken) That’s right!
(sung) Friendship, friendship makes everything right
Friendship, it can be your white knight
Stacey
Like when I decide I want to eat sweets
With my friends by my side
I know I won’t decease
All
Cause friendship
Friendship conquers all
Jessi
With your friends,
there’s always someone to catch you when you fall
Kristy
Even if it’s not a real phantom phone call
Dawn
When I’m feeling blue
Claudia
I can count on you!
All
Cause friendship
Friendship Conquers All
Mary-Anne
With our friends,
we know our love with never degrade
Claudia
That’s cause we’re
perpetually in the eighth grade
All
And because we know
babysitters club make it so
we’re bound to this for life
Kristy’s got a knife (Kristy is holding them hostage)
And Friendship conquers all!
Kristy
(spoken) but you guys seriously need to pay your club dues.
CURTAIN
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