Oh I have many, many thoughts on the college admissions scandal. I could literally write 72 blog posts on this (but I’ll spare you). I think one of the ickiest vibes I have from all of this (aside from the blatant cheating and the continued marginalization of underprivileged teens and first-generation college students) is that all these chill, work-hard, down to earth celebs are LIARS who are just gonna came the system like every other stereotypical entitled rich white lady — ahem — I’m looking at you Aunt Becky.

But let me just real quick sum up my thoughts with a side by side comparison of two episodes of Full House that I’m sure you’ve already heard a lot about this past week. Like wtf how many of us get to literally role-play potential crimes and then are like “yeah sign me up for the cheating and the fraud, please.” Psychologists of the world, let me read your case studies.

Okay, bear with me as I now undertake the HERCULEAN task of reviewing two Full House episodes SIMULTANEOUSLY. (Lord, I don’t even know if I can handle it. Will I go into a diabetic coma from all of the saccharine schmaltz. Pray for me, Very Special Readers. Pray.) They are: “Be True to Your Pre-School” and “The Test.” I will not have time or patience for B-plots!

During a play date, Rebecca and Jesse realize that they’re behind on the preschool game. They haven’t been researching preschools, so they other parents tell them that there is a big risk their kids won’t be “on the fast track for life.” Okay, are we noticing some similarities to REAL LIFE yet, people??

The questions on the application are very difficult for two year-olds and include things like, “Evaluate the scope of your child’s verbal skills.” Joey recommends that Jesse lie on the application. (I hate Joey but I do feel that this is a little out of character). Basically, Jesse feels that he’s only helping his children out because if his parents had sent him to a good preschool then he probably wouldn’t be in night school trying to earn a high school diploma.

With Jesse’s lies, the boys make it to the next stage of admissions: THE INTERVIEW (cue ominous music). As they walk into the interview, he confesses to Becky that he embellished on the application “little bit,” which included claiming to be an ambassador.

Although, Becky goes along with the shenanigans at first. She comes clean pretty quickly in the interview and admits that her husband lied. The admissions person tells her that they figured that out when they read the portion of the applicant that referred to the boys as “proficient on the bassoon.” However they don’t care because: “it only shows you want whats best for your boys.” UGHHHH WTF I DISAGREE WITH THE PREMISE.

Anyway, Becky is yet again the voice of reason when she tells Jess (who is rigorously trying to cram some knowledge down the boys’ throats) that they’re not letting their kids “be kids” and he’s asking too much of them. Almost like you should let your children be guided by their natural abilities…hm…

“When they’re ready to go to preschool, we’ll find the right one and do everything we can to encourage,” she says. I guess this doesn’t apply to ASU. That must be an exception.

Now, let’s move on to “The Test.” In the opening of this episode Joey calls out Jesse for trying to reuse a stamp a.k.a. “trying to cheat the U.S. postal service.” WHAT ARE YOUR MORALS JOEY? Anyway, DJ is stressing because she has to take the SAT and she MUST do well so that she can go to Stanford.

When DJ says she is too stressed out to eat dinner, Danny coaches the family to tell DJ the whole SAT isn’t a huge deal and to not be so stressed. This doesn’t work and she has a stress dream in which Uncle Jesse steals an SAT answer booklet off of the proctor’s desk and proceeds to read the answers to her through a walkie-talkie hidden in a breakfast burrito.

Joey overhears this and is very upset about the cheating. Once again, I would like to know what happened in Joey’s life between season six and season seven that caused him to go from cheating-instigator to cheating-police.

The next morning, DJ is so upset from her dream that she asks her dad, “Can you write me a note to get me out of college?” And her dad’s like no and apologizes for minimizing her stress, which actually only made her more stressed. And then he’s like just do your best cause he’s a normal dad and believes in his daughter.

I do believe I’m getting older though because this was the first time I watched an episode of Full House and realized that Bob Saget was kind of a DILF. So now I have to live with that knowledge.

I would also like to take this opportunity to say that standardized testing is some bullshit, patriarchal tool of the oligarchy and plenty of smart people are setup to fail on it. GOODBYE.