Dating: Does Anyone Really Like This?

“I can’t wait until you start dating again. It will be fun.”–by BFF after I broke up with my ex.

Fun.

inconceivable

Here are things other than the word “fun” that I would use to describe dating:
-Weird
-Confusing
-The most awkward thing I’ve done since I had to kiss my long-time crush in our high school musical while simultaneously pretending that it was not my first kiss and that I was in fact an expert kisser and oh my God I got red lipstick right below his bottom lip, should I wipe it off or no????

Also, I’m in this situation where my last relationship lasted for over five years and I literally never want to mention that for the following two reasons:
1. Dudes will assume I want a relationship when I just want to hang out.
2. I will have mentioned an ex which I think is literally the worst thing ever because if you’re talking about your ex, then I don’t want you talking to me. (My rule of thumb for this has always been and always will be: “If your ex went horseback riding through Utah with Frank Zappa, then obviously I want to hear about it. If your ex styled her hair similarly to me, please don’t point that out.”)

But here’s the thing. The dating landscape has changed a lot since the last time I was single. Here are some things that didn’t exist the last time I dated new people and now are things I am quietly learning about:
-Dating apps*
-The term “ghosting;” “back burner;” “fuckboy”**
Treatment resistant gonorrhea***

And then there’s having to deal with actual humans on top of all of that!!

And I don’t know if you’ve noticed, but humans are THE WORST.

And just when I thought I could take no more, I did the only thing I could do. I asked Tina Turner for help. But first, a little context:

Several years ago, when I was first dating Turd Ferguson (you guys remember Turd, right?) my godbrother asked me about him.

The conversation went as follows:
GB: Is he good to you?
Me: Yeah
GB: I’m not asking if he’s a good guy. I’m asking is he good to you? Do you understand the difference?
Me: (pause) Yeah, yes. I do. He’s a good guy and he’s good to me.

Pause. I appeared to be introspective. I wasn’t. I was hesitating. There were red flags I couldn’t define even then and I shrugged off that kernel of doubt. But you should never hesitate when someone you love asks, or better yet–you ask yourself, this question.

There are plenty of good people in this world. There are plenty of awful people in this world. The difference between the two types of people, in practice, is surprisingly oblique. So regardless of whether you’re just hanging out, just friends, or in a partnership with someone, you’d better be good to each other. You better make sure you’re giving your time to someone who is treating you right. No excuses.

In all seriousness, I first heard this song on an episode of Miami Vice. Admittedly, you can lose the significance of the lyrics if you’re sucked into the visuals of Gina and Trudy on shopping spree for undercover outfits, which is a thing that I am 100% sure all detectives actually do.

But this song is PREACH, Tina, PREACH. I’ve listened to it before and used it in the exact opposite way that it’s intended. I’ve been like “Yeah, you better be good to me!” and then felt emboldened to go right back into whatever crap situation I was in with a false sense of empowerment. But these days, I’m trying to actually practice what Tina preaches. Do you understand the difference?

P.S. In case you’re wondering, now that I’ve turned this into an occasional dating confessional that I very loosely tie to pop culture, no I do not mention this blog to potential suitors. I only mention it in job interviews.

It’s important to do this because I want to makes sure that all of my coworkers are weird as hell. It’s how I landed my current job! #NEVERGIVEUPONYOURDREAMS

*Incidentally, I haven’t used these yet and have instead decided that I would prefer to talk to random strangers IRL because I am an ENFJ dammit!
**I am still not sure what the term fuckboy means, so please leave your best definition in the comments.
***Please don’t panic. Click the link. Also, I recently used “no glove, no love” in all seriousness because I am a child of the 90’s and that was the first thing that came to mind. It worked and I actually looked like I was being humorous.

Hey Dude: Melody’s Brother (My White Whale, My Broken Teenage Heart)

Very Special Readers, I am very excited to share with you “Melody’s Brother,” a.k.a. my white whale of Very Special Episodes. This is a “lost episode” of Hey Dude, and I have been looking for it for YEARS. (Hey, this blog just had it’s 3rd birthday. The VSB isn’t a toddler anymore. Aw, it’s growing up so fast.)

01-07-brownHey Dude is a show about a bunch of teenagers working on a dude ranch. I was really into it as a small child, but I think this was mostly due to the fact that there was a girl named “Brad” on the show and I thought that “Brad” was a cool name for a girl. Incidentally, Brad was the name of my first boyfriend. I don’t think the two facts are related since I was mostly into him because he was into Nirvana and had blond hair.

Sadly, things ended badly with Brad. He brought another girl on a date to a football game at my high school (which he did not attend) mere days after he crushed my little fourteen year old heart while Weezer’s “Buddy Holly” played in the background. (To add insult to injury, I had only slightly earlier in the day determined that this would be “our song.”) But it’s funny how life goes because now I look back on this fondly as one of my better break ups. (For the record, Brad apologized to me a year later, so we’re good. I’m not here to drag some dude through the mud for youthful transgressions over a decade later. OVER A DECADE. And the VSB is 3 years old. OH NO, I AM AGING.)

Alright, alright, I promised you a very special episode.

o-hey-dude-facebook
Would you let that kid in the middle fix your toilet?

Melody’s brother comes for a visit and tells her he’s going to propose to his girlfriend. She refuses to be a bridesmaid, which is pretty rude, and invites him to go canoeing. He’s like NOPE I AM GOING TO CHILL WITH MY FRAT BROS. (Rude family.) He presumed that she would be working, and she says, “No, I switched with Brad.” (Brad being the girl character on the show and not my ex-boyfriend.)

On his way into town, Melody’s bro invites some of her coworkers into town to a bar that WILL NOT CHECK ID. But they’re good ranch hands, so they say no. Listen, The VSB would NEVER condone underage drinking, but as someone who is a few years past the legal drinking age, I must say that I will never again be able to drink like I could drink when I was 20. Would that I could, Hey Dude, would that I could.

dude12Danny (played by the “missing” Joe Torres but this guy on Facebook says he’s Joe and not to worry), says that he doesn’t want to go because a friend of the family had a drinking problem. Melody’s brother says, “there’s a big difference between having a few beers with your friends and having a problem.” He’s right, but obviously this is the Chekov’s gun of this episode.

He leaves the room and the ranch hands comment on his stank alcohol breath. (Oh, yep. Here we go.)

Danny, says that the friend of the family betrayed all of them by becoming “another Indian with a drinking problem.” Therefore, Danny can never drink even if he wants to lest he become a stereotype. Shit, things got culturally heavy here.

Later in the afternoon, Billy dry heaves by the cabins. He doesn’t want to join Melody for dinner. His jeans are ripped and he has an injury that he can’t explain. He says he only had two beers. (LIES!)

12-38-melody-delightedThe overzealous ranch hands see Melody talking to her brother and they’re like oh hey, your brother is drunk. And she gets all defensive and says he’s just tired. Meanwhile, it’s dinner time and everyone wants to tell Melody her brother has a problem in their judgey voices but no one wants to help this guy metabolize that booze by encouraging him to eat some bread or drink some water. Have we no plain pasta, people???

In a flagrant violation of child labor laws, the manager insists on opening up the room where Melody’s bro is “sleeping it off” so that a thirteen year old can presumably fix the plumbing. This obviously fails, so her brother has to move rooms. While they’re moving the luggage, a big old bottle of brandy falls out of his bag.

Melody is PISSED. Apparently, their dad is an alcoholic too. But her bro says he’s just having a hard time right now. You know that girl he wanted to marry? That girl broke up with him and is in love with someone else.

Okay, Rule #1. Don’t drink when you’re sad. 
Rule #2. Enjoy your fast metabolism while it lasts and STAY HYDRATED.
I’m dishing out very special lessons all over the place today, guys.

Melody’s bro promises to never drink again (but don’t count on it because this episode still has several minutes left.) He leaves the ranch to go see a movie and…uh oh…this ends with the cops calling to say there has been an accident. He’s alive, but he has a DUI. Melody decides to practice some tough love and not bail her brother out of jail. Woah. Damn. This episode is rough.

37-73-melody-billy-2Her boss bails him out and big bro is mad as hell that Melody wasn’t there to support him. Melody is devastated and she says that she’s already been lying to everyone for him and is starting to resemble their mother covering for their father. (GUYS, THESE PEOPLE NEED THERAPY AND CRAP I’M SO GLAD I DIDN’T SEE THIS ON NICKELODEON AS A KID.)

She says, “Maybe you’re right. Maybe you don’t have a problem with your drinking. But I do.” Mic drop.

Turns out, he lied AGAIN. That girl from earlier (the one who he wanted to marry but she broke up with him because she was in love with somebody else), she wasn’t really in love with somebody else. She broke up with him because they argued all the time about his drinking. Damn, those overzealous ranch hands are perceptive. Be careful who you invite to hang out with you. They may just expose your deepest secrets in an instant.

Anyway, he has to fly home to their parents’ house since he no longer has a drivers license.

Very Special Lesson: Listen, there were some veritable truths dropped all over this post. I cannot even synthesize this post in a witty one liner because I have an overwhelming urge to listen to “Undone: The Sweater Song.”

GLOW: Gorgeous Ladies of Wrestling

Friends, lovers, countrymen (oh that’s not how that goes?), it has been a minute. I hope you’re all enjoying the beginning of summer. Here are some things I have been up to since we last spoke:

-I started dating again! Highlights include: a man who told me he lost all of his friends in his last relationship 45-minutes into our first and only date!

-I struggled through a hangover at my new job and was very successful at fooling everyone into thinking I was fine to “jump on that call” and didn’t feel like curling up in the fetal position under my desk. (Sadly, I don’t think I can add this to the “skills” section of my resume.) This was only the 2nd time I have ever been hungover at work: the first time being when I went out with a group a couple of years ago and elbowed the CEO in the eye on the dance floor! It’s okay. We’re on good terms. We still talk!

-I binge-watched all of the new Netflix series “Glow.” And that’s what brings me here today. I enjoyed every minute of this series, but I knew it would indelibly change the pop culture landscape of my mind when SPOILER ALERT: Pat Benatar’s “Invincible” was featured in the final match of the season. (Oh, that’s not something most people consider a spoiler? Well, excuse me for trying not to ruin the magic for those who are also big, big fans of The Legend of Billie Jean.)

Glow is a semi-biographical look at the 1980’s women’s wrestling show. (But I can say that having watched now the series AND the documentary–I am SERIOUSLY into Glow, guys–Netflix seems to have taken a lot of poetic license with this. The stars are Alison Brie and that woman who played the lady doctor in Nurse Jackie, but if you look at the image below, just over that dude’s shoulder…

glow-netflix-first-look-1

Yes, that woman biting her thumb is none other than the incomparable Kate Nash, songstress of my late teen years. Actually, I didn’t even recognize her, but I was singing “Pumpkin Soup” in the shower this morning, so is my subconscious that strong? Or maybe it’s the first bullet point on the list of things I’ve been up to?

Anyway, thanks to a former coworker (who may actually be my pop culture soul mate?) I have some really sweet videos from the real Glow to share with you.

If I had to give an elevator speech for Glow (the real series, not the Netflix series) I would say, “It’s kind of like The Warriors but if all of the gangs fought in a pink wrestling ring and also they did some MadTV-type sketches–oh and also some “rapping” in the style of Deborah Harry.” Go ahead, see for yourself:

Also, Jackie Stallone is legit Sylvester’s mom. HOW GREAT IS THIS? I cannot believe this beautiful, beautiful piece of camp existed and I didn’t even know about it. Did any of you watch this in the 80’s?? Please tell me all about it in the comments!