Today’s charitable contributions will go to Girl Scouts in NYC Shelters. You can follow the link here to donate, and check out this link to donate. And check out this article from the New York Times about Troop 600, the first troop formed in a shelter.

All of the Tanners are volunteering at “We Love Our Children Telethon 90.” Their goal is to raise 1 million dollars to purchase new equipment for the children’s health center. And they only have 24 hours to do it!

Sadly, the children will have to rely on donations from viewers regaled by the comedic stylings of Joey Gladstone. (Thankfully, the woodchuck does not appear.) He also performs a little magic (illusions) with Rebecca. It is pretty bad, but at least it cut short his stand-up routine. But then he botches the routine, leaving Rebecca to sing a duet with Danny while stuck in the Zig Zag Illusion box.

We get a quick montage of other acts to demonstrate that not every single performance is brought to you by people who live in the same house. The montage also shows the Tanner girls going home to get some rest (just in case you felt like there might be any child labor law violations afoot). Then it’s back to the Tanners. Danny falls asleep in the middle of hosting, so Michelle takes over and sings a very adorable version of the “Itsy Bitsy Spider,” joined by Jesse and the Rippers.

Rebecca has gone home for a nap and Danny has passed out on stage (pretty weak hosting), so Michelle starts to sing the alphabet to fill time. What are we to do??

Thankfully, Stephanie Tanner volunteers to perform her “Love Shack” dance, which some of you may remember from its “Hotline Bling” revival. But here is the original:

Then DJ sings “Lollipops and Gummy Bears” to Michelle, a performance that Candace Cameron Bure reportedly hated. But honesty, it’s cute and she sings better than she thinks she does. I feel like this must have been planned though right? Am I supposed to believe DJ Tanner had this song choreographed and ready to go and just so happened to be available to fill in when her dad fell asleep? That’s far-fetched even by Full House standards. I mean, she’s no Stephanie. Come on.

My personal favorite part is when Kimmy Gibbler’s mom calls and pledges $200 if they let Kimmy ride her unicycle.

Still, there’s very little time left in the telethon and the Tanners haven’t met their goal. But don’t worry, Mike Love heard that they may need a little help with their telethon and he decided to stop by to sing “Be True to Your School.”

I would really love to know why this episode exists in the Full House cannon. Was it a slow day in the writers room or was the cast itching to put on a talent show? If you have the answer, let me know in the comments.

P.S. I didn’t link to Joey’s awful rendition of Aerosmith’s “Janie’s Got a Gun.” You’re welcome.