Get ready for some seriously frightening television. I never really watched this show except for when I was with my godfather who lives in the country and likes martial arts (so you can see the appeal). It was my understanding that this was a family friendly show, but this episode is the scariest. It is making me not want to leave the house even though I am an adult.

On this Halloween special of Walker, Texas Ranger a little boy is walking home one day when he hears a kid calling form an abandoned warehouse asking for help in this ethereal voice. Look, I’m already freaked out and if I were a child, I would have probably run away. If I ever heard this, I would probably call 911 on my cell phone, but I get it, the kid is 11 and it’s 1998, so of course he runs into the building. He does not see anyone when he gets in there, so he announces that he is going to get some help. When he turns around he sees a mega creepy dude leering at him with a palm full of chloroform. Ahhhhh

Once the kid passes out a woman with spikey orange hair and black lipstick leads them to a van and then a satanic symbol flashes over the screen.

HALLOWEEN IS ABOUT CANDY AND COSUTMES, RIGHT???

No, you were wrong. It’s about satanic child rituals and Walker, Texas Ranger has a thing or two to tell you about that.

Walker assesses the situation and immediately has his deputy (assistant ranger? is that the right term? I don’t know how rangers work) call the FBI. You have to admire a man who is willing to work cooperatively and share his jurisdiction.  The symbol is a pentagram, which Walker immediately identifies as a satanic symbol.

What Walker doesn’t know is that the cult is led by a dude with a scary voice named Lucifer who everyone calls “master,” so he is probably actually the devil.

Of course, the devil is no match for a Texas Ranger, so I’m going to sit back, relax, and watch Walker kick some ass. But this music is super creepy. 

Admittedly, the investigation is going a bit slow. The combined forces of the Texas Rangers and the FBI so far have consisted of questioning everyone in town who has had any vague record of satanic activity, including some dude who got drunk on peach schnapps and vandalized a few headstones.

Some seductive lady gives Walker a book on satanic ritual. I’m not really sure how all of that went down because I spaced out, but there was some light jazz saxophone playing in the back so that’s how I know it was seductive.

I went to grab some thin mints from my freezer and when I looked at the screen again Walker and his partner are in a house with blood painting on the wall ewwww. There’s also a motion sensor, which then blows up the entire house, but Walker escapes just in time of course.

Meanwhile, the cult has gotten even more brazen with their activities. They straight up chloroform a girl in her yard and then club her foster mom over the head when she comes out to grab them. They also spray paint a pentagram on the side of the house!

As it turns out, the cult is pulling some Hocus Pocus shit on a super dark level. They’re collecting children for a mass sacrifice on Halloween. This is such a scary don’t talk to strangers message. Why Walker, Texas Ranger, why? I thought you were a family friendly show! I’m not sure why I decided to watch this. I thought Chuck Norris would be funny. Whoops.

I promise my next Halloween post will be Boy Meets World. Nice. Safe. Fun.

Halloween Lesson: Do NOT under any circumstance let your children walk near a deserted warehouse.  I don’t think this was a lesson we needed to learn. This is a terrible Halloween special. I’m going to go watch The ‘Burbs.