Murder, She Wrote: The Dead File

Hello! Today is the 29th anniversary of this episode. And I’m low-key obsessed with it. Why, you ask? Because our friend, Jessica Fletcher, has been turned into a controversial comic strip character. And she’s a fox (which of course we already knew) but a literal fox in this case. Oh and Harvey Fierstein is in this episode. What I’m trying to say is, it’s perfect.

The fox is accusing NYPD officers of doing corrupt shit — so actually this comic strip could be a public good — but unfortunately Jessica isn’t involved in the comic strip and can’t verify the information. Of course, everyone thinks she’s behind it — I guess because she’s a writer — but she’s genuinely not involved. She sincerely asks a lieutenant if he’s stealing drugs from evidence and he just straight up doesn’t answer — which feels like a YES to me — but it’s MSW so he’s probably falsely accused.

It looks like Jessica Fox is also exposing a Wall Street scandal. And Jessica Fletcher will now be sued for libel (which makes noooo sense) along with the artist and comic strip syndicator.

With actual money on the line now, Jessica tracks down the artist, Mr. Hatter. And that’s how we finally get to see Angela and Harvey on the screen together!

That’s when Mr. Hatter explains that he didn’t draw the comic strips that appeared in the newspaper. And his syndicator cannot figure out how the artwork got switched. He shows Jess his real comic strip which involves Jessica Fox solving innocent little barnyard animal mysteries. It’s all quite wholesome (aside from the murder).

Anyway, Mr. Hatter agrees to kill off the Jessica Fox character, which would seem like the end of all this. Except then the lieutenant comes back to see Jess and shows her a blackmail letter. Some of the letters in the note were cut out of the Cabot Cove Gazette.

Jess finds the letter perplexing, but she explains that she hasn’t been in Cabot Cove for three weeks. Even more importantly, she was in Italy on the date the newspaper shown in the letter cutout was published. So she goes back to Mr. Hatter and blames him for everything — saying he could have purchased the paper from a stand at Grand Central that carries one-week old issues of Cabot Cove Gazette — which like yeah, right I’m sure it does…

But Mr. Hatter shows her the strange comic strip in the day’s paper and points out explicit stylistic differences between the printed copy and the versions he showed her in his studio. His whole team backs him up, stating that the printed copy is most definitely a forgery.

The whole thing explodes into a very public argument between Mr. Hatter, Jess, and the people who want to sue them. So Jess decides they should all sit down and try to figure out who has motive to print all this stuff in this dirty laundry sort of way. And Mr. Hatter is kinda like well, I do have a lot of enemies.

The next morning, Mr. Hatter’s letterist (I’m not sure the correct term for someone who draws letters in comic strip so I am going with letterist) heads to work at 3:45 am (evidently, he likes to get an early start) and is hit over the head by an unknown assailant. Hopefully, he’s knocked out and not dead, but I’m not sure because we cut to Jess interviewing a potential suspect.

This guy, Mr. Whiting, says that Mr. Hatter used to be his assistant and stole the idea for the comic strip from him. And then all of his artwork disappeared in a mysterious fire. He says Mr. Hatter is just trying to get attention/money for his work and urges her to sue him. And she’s like no, I’m trying to avoid lawsuits, thanks. Plus she doesn’t think Mr. Hatter would make his characters look bad because they mean so much to him. Kind of a thin argument. But she says it’s exactly how she feels about the characters in her books.

Unfortunately, we do get confirmation that the letterist is dead. The detective on the scene doesn’t notice the damaged award (that was totally the murder weapon) until Jess points it out.

At this point, the detective openely accuses literally everyone around her of the crime — including Jess! (To be fair, I’ve frequently wondered about Jess’s proximity to all these murders myself…)

Meanwhile, it finally occurs to Jess that she should look for the source of the information in the comics. This leads her to a tabloid writer (who has been lurking around this whole time and for some reason she never checked up on him until now). She accuses him of being involved in blackmail and he claims that his files were stolen.

This leads Jess back to Mr. Whiting who says he was too busy having an affair to kill anyone. And then Jess is abruptly like okay, cool so if it’s not you then I know who it is. This leads us back to the studio in the middle of the night.

Jess notices that a plant has been rotated and discovers that this was done to hide a bloody artist’s glove. So she calls every single person that the letterist worked for and found out that he wasn’t scheduled to be in the studio when he was — meaning the murder wasn’t premeditated. There’s also no evidence on the glove except for the letterist’s blood. So Jess replaces the glove and calls Mr. Hatter.

That night, she catches one of the artists going back to remove the evidence. He explains that the letterist caught him drawing the libelous comic strips, so he faked his suicide.

Jess then explains that she really had no evidence on him whatsoever, but luckily he took the “message for Mr. Hatter” as bait. And most importantly, I need to point out that the detective has been making the below face for like two solid minutes:

But you know what, maybe that is the correct reaction to whatever the hell just happened in this episode.

Fictional Book Covers: Mapleworth Murders

I now have a multi-part series on fictional book covers. I honestly didn’t see that coming. But I really like them! And actually this one is sort of like an off-shoot of my previous two. Mapleworth Murders is a parody of Murder, She Wrote (which you can watch for free on Roku) and features a lead character who imagines herself as the protagonist sleuth she writes about in her novellas — not unlike Tom Selleck’s character in Her Alibi.

Peppered throughout the series are book covers featuring the Mrs. Mapleworth mysteries.

Anytime our lead, Abigail (played by Paula Pell), finds herself in a jam, she imagines what Mrs. Mapleworth would do to get out of a bad situation. The fantasy never matches up with the reality and the results are hilarious.

There are also a lot of great guest stars from the greater NBC family, including multiple SNL alums, Terry Crewes, Jack McBrayer, and Paul Lieberstein.

Honestly, I think I need to figure out how to be a book cover designer. I think I’ve uncovered deep passion here.

Murder, She Wrote: Who Killed J.B. Fletcher?

I participated in the December installment of #MurderSheDrank and it was a JOY. The 2021 series will feature episodes from Season 7, so little old me thought I would take a look ahead and see what’s in store. First of all, this season brings us into the 90’s, which I am quite excited about. Secondly, I think it may contain one of the most gloriously ridiculous plot descriptions I have ever seen with my own two eyes.

The official description on Peacock in innocuous enough: “A fan, posing as Jessica, is arrested and later murdered.” But if you’re wondering for what purpose this fan impersonated Jessica — it was to investigate a local dog show. After reading that, I immediately said to myself: “Oh I have to watch this as soon as humanly possible!”

Let me tell you, this episode did not disappoint. It features a Jess Fletcher fan club that meets around a giant framed photo of her and they all carry around little fake Jessica Fletcher ID Cards. Okay, I’m hearing how stalkery that sounds out of context. But they’re all old ladies! And they all live in a small town in Texas! And it’s 1990! Sadly, one of the fan club members does die in the process of investigating a crime as JB Fletcher. It’s one of the few times the show acknowledges that amateur sleuthing can be deadly.

IDK maybe I need this for my living room? Same setup with candles?

But mostly it’s just super, super cute. Jess pretends to be a dog owner with a very bad fake Southern accent, which she then abruptly drops when she realizes she’s in-character with someone who has already met her as the real Jess Fletcher. It’s one of the few times I’ve ever seen her off her game. She’s also only able to solve the mystery with the help of her wannabe sleuth fan club. To be fair, the stress of having someone steal her identity and then die must have been a lot.

Back when big glasses weren’t ironic ❤

Jess also has to deal with the logistical nightmare of people thinking she’s dead. This involves a tense phone call with Seth back in Cabot Cove and a lot of canceled credit cards. And she has to use the author’s photo on the back of one of her mass-market paperback (purchased at a local drugstore) in order to prove her identity to the local authorities. And as an added bonus, Jethro from The Beverly Hillbillies and Edna from Laverne & Shirley are in the guest cast!

Here’s the whole club with Jess, y’all.

I was disappointed that we didn’t get to see any ridiculous dog show antics. I super wanted to see that. But that’s my only complaint! Another high point of this episode was that a dog was at one time the prime suspect in this murder-by-gunshot case. So. Classic.

Once JB solves the case…for some reason I feel like not spoiling this one for you…the super sleuth crowd hangs a giant photo of the dead former club member right next to the giant photo of JB. Enshrined in sleuth memoriam. God bless.

For those of you who want to join: This month’s Murder She Drank is tomorrow (Friday, January 15th) and features the first two episodes of Season 7. This includes season 7 episode 2, “Deadly Misunderstanding,” which I covered back in 2015 when I attempted to take on the arduous task of proving how Jessica Fletcher serial killed hundreds of people. Needless to say, JB Fletcher outsmarted me and my “Murder She Did” series didn’t last very long.

Murder, She Wrote: Snow White, Blood Red

I’m going to ask you to engage in a little activity before you read this post. Hold an image of Murder, She Wrote in your mind and think of all the words you associate with the show. Here are some of the ones that come up for me: Cozy, gently-paced, feels like the inside of a leather bound book, less violent than an Agatha Christie novel, usually involves a murder but I still somehow feel like I’m drink a warm cup of tea — okay you get the picture. This, my friends, is none of those things. (If you want to watch along, Murder She Wrote is free on Peacock.) Are you ready? Let’s go.

Pin on The Awesome Jessica Fletcher

1988’s “Snow White, Blood Red” feels like an aspiring writer went to the video store, rented The Lost Boys, decided Murder, She Wrote needed the same treatment, did a line of coke, wrote something on spec, and somehow that script ended up in the production pile for season 5, purely by accident.

In this episode, Jess is enjoying a ski vacation at the Sable Mountain Lodge courtesy of her nephew. While she waits for his arrival, she witnesses a lovers spat involving the owner of the lodge, a phone call with her “boyfriend”(Gunnar), and a very aggressive other man who snatches the phone from her hands.

Cut to the lodge bar where we meet Pamela. Let me pause here and mention how much I love her whole aesthetic. Pam is pissed because she signed a ski pro (omg you guys this is Gunnar from the telephone) on to endorse her company’s ski gear. However, she has just heard that he’s planning on not competing in the World Cup. Also she’s also heard he’s some kind of playboy. Wait, wait? Gunnar is the playboy??? The earlier scene made me think that the lodge owner was the player. To use an 80’s term: who’s zoomin’ who?

If you are on Etsy and you take custom orders, pop a link in the comments because I am willing to pay money for Pamela’s sweater situation.

So the big drama continues to be Gunnar’s potential retirement. His coach confronts him in the gym and they get into it. Things even get a little physical, but everyone emerges unscathed (thus far). Meanwhile, Pamela continues to shop around for a better pro to rep her brand. She has dinner with another pro, Larry, and tries to convince him to sign with her even though Gunnar is still under contract.

This is another sweater that I would be willing to pay money for if you can link me to an online thrift store with a good reputation. Thanks in advance.

While Pam tries to negotiate a new deal, Jessica arrives for dinner and cannot find a table because it is so crowded. This is 100% my experience of every single restaurant on a mountain during ski season. Jess ends up sharing a table with Ed, who is a detective from New York, and his wife, Sylvia. Dinner goes well. Everyone has a good time.

Cut to some night skiing where Gunnar is murdered by a crossbow. Yes, you read that correctly. Murdered by a crossbow ON MURDER SHE WROTE.

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Honestly, my chief complaint about this show is that it can be a little too dull, so I’m really enjoying this change of pace and I truly want to see what happens. OH and also. There is a blizzard. And everyone at the lodge is now snowed in. So if you were the murderer and your plan was to kill Gunnar with a crossbow and then get the heck out of Dodge, you would be in some seriously deep shit right now.

Meanwhile, no one from the outside can reach the mountain to attend to Gunnar’s corpse! (This seems a little odd to me…I don’t know enough about inclement weather travel logistics to dispute it but…there was a murder…and you’re telling me they all just have to hang out with the body for a while????)

That is, in fact, exactly what they do. The lodge owner (I promise to learn her name before the end of this post) and her husband — not boyfriend — (whose name I also need to learn, sorry, sorry) enlist Jessica to help them with the dead man and obvious crime scene. At first, she resists…and that’s saying a lot for a woman who loves to get involved with murder whenever possible. But she’s like, no seriously you guys I’m a book writer who sometimes does some Nancy Drew stuff on the side, but I’m definitely not someone who could examine a body.

Cut to Jessica examining the body:

That’s a private security officer, presumably, in the back of this photo doing absolutely jack shit because he’s really just there to make sure people don’t get too high and fly off the mountain.

She is conducting this post-mortem examination with a gynecologist by the way. Being the only doctor on the entire mountain, he has been roped into helping. Meanwhile, Ed from dinner (who everyone thought had gone home) returns because they “ran into a snow bank the size of the Chrysler building,” which is the first of many annoying at best and offensive at worst statements in reference to Ed’s life in New York City.

Upon seeing the dead body, this dude promptly says, “Oh, beautiful. Well, in the South Bronx we learn to live with stuff like this. But here? How does it figure?” which is a genuinely awful thing to say. It’s especially shitty coming from someone who was presumably on the force during a number of high profile murders that happened right in the heart of midtown Manhattan around the time this episode was filmed. Did we learn to live with those too, Ed? Or do the rules only apply to the South Bronx?

Murder, She Wrote" Snow White, Blood Red (TV Episode 1988) - IMDb

But I guess it was better for tourism if the writers established the New Yorkiness of a character by denigrating a low income neighborhood where — this episode would have you believe — people get used to murder.

Nevertheless, Jessica tries to get Ed to take over the investigation…which like fine…he has a badge or whatever…ughhhhhhhh. But he refuses. And just in case you didn’t hate Ed before, wait until you hear his reason for not wanting to help: “If this was some punk pusher getting knifed under the the Deegan expressway, fine. But bows and arrows? I mean this is a little out of my league.”

In other words, Ed is a piece of shit.

Once Ed has made it abundantly clear that he is not capable of investigating rich, white people at a ski lodge, he finally agrees to help out as long as Jessica runs point. And you know what, she really should be in charge. She’s got a square head on her shoulders and she isn’t an insane piece of shit who thinks one murder victim is less worthy than another.

The cop and the gynecologist leave Jess alone with the body while she goes through his personal effects. In his pocket she finds a key to room 301. Shortly thereafter, the lodge owner gives her an urgent message that had been left for Gunnar that morning. It’s from a woman named Vicki and she has a Nevada area code. Jess calls the number and the man who answers the phone identifies the number as that of the “Tartaglia residence.” Jess asks for Vicki, but the man says she isn’t there and he doesn’t now when she will be back. By the way, he’s super irritated.

The establishing shots are great in this episode.

Jess takes the key to room 301 and starts poking around the room. The lodge owner’s boyfriend shows up and starts snooping while Jess is lying in wait. She confronts him with a lighter that belongs to his girlfriend, Anne. (The lodge owner’s name is Anne!) It’s obviously that’s what he’s there to retrieve. When Jess doesn’t hand it over immediately, he gets a little threatening. Dude seems unhinged, frankly. So she puts the lighter down on the end table where he can take it back without getting closer to her. She then moves closer to the hall door.

The husband softens up a bit after this, allowing Jess to get some key information out of him. Anne and he were engaged when he had an accident. Even though they did get married, he never felt that he was enough for her. But he swears that she was in the room for an hour after Gunnar left because he was staring down the hall watching the door like a creepy, stalker. I get that they’re married and she’s stepping out on him and so I’m judging a little less on the door staring…but it also doesn’t feel like that can go anywhere good.

Watch Murder, She Wrote Season 5, Episode 4: Snow White, Blood Red | Peacock

Now we jump to a scene with a little light acoustic guitar concert at a table with a pitcher of beer. This appears to be some sort of memorial service for Gunnar. During the memorial, Larry gets upset that everyone is having a little too much fun and leaves mid-celebration of life. In the meantime, Jess starts up a conversation in the cafe with Pam. She complains to Jess about the contract situation. She even says she “could have killed him,” but she’s just being metaphorical. Or so she says.

Cut to a spooky gloved hand with a crossbow. I mean we’re getting zoomed in shots of the arrow tip with spooky-ass horror music. What is happening on Murder, She Wrote right now???

I am honestly terrified right now.

We cut from the crossbow to Larry and Pam working out in the gym. Larry is still complaining about the memorial service not being somber enough. He then leaves Pam alone in the gym where Gunnar’s drunk coach accuses her of trying to force Gunnar out of his endorsement contract. He says she was embarrassed by Gunnar’s womanizing and set out to sabotage him. He also accuses her of having something to do with the murder. He wrenches her wrist and says that he’d kill her if she wasn’t a woman. GEEZE. So many terrible people in this episode!

This is maybe not the right time to bring up how much I like her headband but I think we could use another photo here anyway.

Pam heads into the locker room and finds some bloody workout clothes that look suspiciously like Larry’s. She enters the showers to look for a presumably injured Larry and holy crap honestly I have never seen something so graphic on this show as what she finds in that shower. There is a lot of blood and he’s been strung up over the shower head. Watch at your own risk:

This does not look like a scene from Murder, She Wrote. When was anything else on this show ever filmed in such a manner? The title of this episode feels extremely accurate because I am quite certain I have never ever ever seen so much blood on this show.

I know you’re all upset and I’m here to comfort you with another photo of Pamela’s excellent fashion sense:

Even in a tragedy, she is impeccably dressed.

As if the shower horror wasn’t enough, this episode raises the stakes yet again. The phones don’t work! They can still call within the lodge because of a generator, but Anne says they are “totally isolated from the civilized world.” Ed orders the entire lodge searched from top to bottom for the crossbow. And Jess is like Ed, you idiot we’re not just going to find it lying around somewhere.

Ed says there’s something a little off about the Coach in his opinion. This is is the first thing Ed and I have agreed upon all night. While he investigates this theory, Jess and Anne’s husband borrow a CB radio in a guest’s car. They manage to make contact with the sheriff just long enough to report the two murders, but then the radio loses the signal.

Back at the lodge, Jess asks Mike (that’s Anne’s husband’s name!) why he and Anne invited all of their friends to the lodge that week…you know…cause now they’re all dying…He tells her they were hoping to drum up some business and nothing more. She notes two out of the four previous World Cup team members are now dead. Just then, Johnny (the only remaining living team member aside from Mike) stumbles into the room. He’s been shot by an arrow, but he cannot identify the culprit.

Jessica theorizes the killer is left handed based on the way Johnny was injured. However, she also posits that his wound might have been self-inflicted. She thinks he could be picking off other team member in order to secure his spot on the next World Cup team.

I don’t like Ed, but I do like his sweaters.

That night Jess is awakened by a phone call from Ed’s wife. She says that Ed received a mysterious phone call and left their room with his gun! So now Jess has to trudge down this giant staircase in the blizzard to look for him.

As she tries the doors of the ski shop, Ed almost shoots her. He’s there waiting to meet a man who called him and said he had information. While Ed and Jessica discuss that this situation could very easily be a trap, the killer set them in the sites of his crossbow. Luckily, he misses.

Come on, Jess! You know better than that.

They see a man on a skimobile headed towards them. Ed shoots the person one the skimobile and he falls to the ground. With the unidentified assailant now down, Ed and Jess rush over to find out who the killer is. It turns out it’s…drum roll please…the coach!

But Jess isn’t so sure. She’s enlisted the gyno to extract the bullets from the coach’s body. She then meets Sylvia in the restaurant and inquires as to why Ed is in such a hurry to leave when he was part of the investigation. What hot shot cop wouldn’t want to brag to other cops? Ed’s wife said he just doesn’t want to fill out the paperwork…uh…okay.

When Ed walks in and says they have to wait for their fuel line to be repaired– I assume that’s Jess’s doing — she confronts him with the coach’s winter coat. Jess shows him that the coat only shows a bloodstain from one shot — meaning that the coach was already dead when the second bullet hit him. Jess thinks that Vicki’s husband sent Ed to kill Gunnar. Then Ed killed again to cover up his original crime by making it look like Gunnar was targeted for being on the World Cup team. She also thinks he’s pretending to be a cop…which would make sense with all the really on the nose stereotypes and the fact that he didn’t want to help investigate at all.

Jess then accuses Sylvia of helping Ed. After all, she was the one who lured Jess out of her room. And someone had to shoot the crossbow and start the skimobile. Also they were the only two people who even tried to leave the lodge before the roads were closed. Plus, when Jessica was double checking the crime scene, she noticed an internal phone next to sleigh bells in the car barn where the skimobiles are. And come to think of it, she is sure she heard sleigh bells in the background while speaking to Sylvia.

Very Special Bizzaro Lesson: If you’re an arrogant jackass, who tries to flee a crime scene, a lovely mystery author will ensnare you in a trap you never see coming. Is this my favorite episode of Murder, She Wrote ever??? I’m really liking the Murder, She Wrote bizzaro world. I liked the thriller/suspense vibe in terms of holding my attention. I also very much love that this dude who was so flagrantly a jackass right from the beginning gets knocked down a peg by Jessica when he thought he was pulling one over on her. Annnnnd in a bizzaro world, it’s not even bizarre that murder follows Jessica literally everywhere she goes.

If you’re still reading this (probably my longest post ever) thanks for sticking around! And also please check out Murder She Drank as they live tweet this episode on Friday, December 18th!

Finally, quick shout out to Joanna at Murder, She Watched. That photo of Ed & Jess talking about motive came from her post on the episode. She also has a beautiful cast of characters for your reference! (Way better than me forgetting everyone’s names.)

Bizzaro Episodes: The Most 2020 Trope

2020 has been nothing if not bizarre. So let’s round-out the year with a look back the moments when your favorite tv shows got well, weird.

So in case you’re like — hey, hey wait as second what is a bizzaro episode anyway? It’s anytime a show breaks from form or tone in such a remarkable way that the episode gives regular viewers an uncanny feeling. As Pop Culture Crime says of one dark episode of I Love Lucy, “I felt like I was in the midst of a weird fever dream.” If that’s the vibe you’re getting from a show you regularly watch (unless that show is Twin Peaks) then chances are — you’re viewing a bizarro episode!

Stay tuned this week for an in-depth look at bizarre episodes of The Mary Tyler Moore Show, The Fresh Prince of Bel Air, Miami Vice, and Murder, She Wrote.

Here’s a little teaser for you Murder, She Wrote Fans…

I’ve been cooking up a fun little end of the year celebration for this blog. In the midst of drafting one of my posts, I found this really great website called Murder, She Drank. They have printable bingo cards (fun whether or not you drink) and live tweet episodes twice a month. And it just so happened that I found them while drafting a post on one of their upcoming episodes “Snow White, Blood Red.” So if you want to have a little fun on Twitter this Friday, December 18th, here are the details:

Click here for info on the episodes

Click here to download the bingo cards

I haven’t seen the other episode they’re covering on Friday, but I can tell you that “Snow White, Blood Red” is quiteeee a doozy.

Can Someone Introduce Me to JB Fletcher’s Design Team?

Hi team! I was watching an episode of Murder, She Wrote that I opted not to include in this year’s Halloweek round-up. But there was this really gorgeous prop book cover for one of Jessica’s mysteries and I simply couldn’t get it out of my head.

Also quick shoutout to the title cards in this series! Here’s the one from the episode I was watching.

I just loveeee that typeface!

Anyway, a million years ago when I was in college, I was the props master for some of the theater productions. My favorite prop that I ever made was an art deco book cover. Suffice it to say I’m verrrrry jealous of the Murder, She Wrote props master.

In the opening shot of “Reflections of The Mind,” we see Jessica Fletcher’s friend asleep on her bed with an open copy of The Umbrella Murders. Can you imagine how much fun it would have been to design this?

Throughout the run of the series, we’re treated to quite a few fun book covers. This tripod page (remember those???) contains a whole catalogue of Jessica’s books that were either mentioned or depicted in the show.

Here are a couple:

In this one from Cinematic Literature, we even get to see Jessica’s author photo. This book is featured in the first season episode “Lovers and Other Killers.” Any other Nancy Drew fans getting some “Dancing Puppet” vibes from this?
Here’s another cover from the Murder He Watched blog. This cover is also from a first season episode: “We’re Off to Kill the Wizard.”

If you can’t get enough of the Murder, She Wrote typeface, you can get our own journal with the look from MissKayleenMarie on Redbubble.

My New/Old Passion Project

Some of you may recall, that I valiantly vowed to review every episode of Murder, She Wrote to prove that Jessica Fletcher is truly the world’s most prolific albeit fictional serial killer. And while I still believe it’s an important mantle to assume, and am truly humbled to be able to share it with all of you, I have to admit that I’ve discovered that Murder, She Wrote  is actually well, um, boring. I know, I know, plenty of people on the internet would disagree with me. And listen, I’m the first to admit that Angela Lansbury is a QUEEN. Seeing her in Blythe Spirit a few years ago is seriously one of the highlights of my LIFE. But I’m just not the kind of person who can watch every single episode of Murder, She Wrote. I am a person who can watch every episode of every sitcom that ever featured cocaine as a one-off episode plot point, but it’s important to know your limits and these are mine.
jlmurdershewroteSo, what now? Well don’t expect JB Fletcher to disappear from this blog entirely. I am of course under an ethical obligation to review “A Murderous Muse,” featuring patron saint of The Very Special Blog, Jenny Lewis. And I’m pretty curious to see the infamous oculus rift episode. But really I’d like to be able to cherry pick the episodes I review just like I do everything else on this blog. Okay, now that I’ve effectively assuaged my guilt of having willfully not completed a project I set out before myself (omg are you even still reading or have you switched to posts about Brad and Angelina?), I am replacing the “Murder, She Wrote” page with “Save the BSC!”Baby-Sitters Club parody musical that I wrote a few years ago while temping.

And by musical, I mean I didn’t actually write any music. But I wrote some lyrics that rhyme at the level of a 5th grade language arts student’s pastiche to Shel Silverstein. It’s a short play, loosely based on Claudia and the Phantom Phone Calls and largely based on my own strange brain. Anyway, it’s been chilling on my computer for a while doing nothing, so I thought I might as well let you all read it.

Murder, She Wrote: Incident in Lot #7

2One of Jessica’s books is being made into a movie, so she gets to hang out on the Universal lot. The screenwriter is trying to change some essential parts of the book. For example, he wants to make a different character the killer in the movie because “who is going to pay $5 to go see the movie? They already know the ending!”

Then we see Dr. Klopek from The Burbs sneaking onto the studio lot by jumping into the back of an open truck filled with plants. And then Jessica gets a tour of the studio lot, specifically visiting The Bates Motel from Psycho. Why yes, this is the most random episode ever.

6515-2650Jessica meets up with her director at a restaurant and the creepy guy from The Burbs is spying on them. Then Jessica decides to look around The Bates Motel and finds the director’s dead body there. She claims to have seen someone through one of the windows and that this person probably “slipped out” after she entered the house.

Anyway, Jessica accuses some guy of being the last person to see the dead guy alive. And he points out that Jessica saw him at the exactly same time, so they were both the last to see him alive. YEP, she’s suspicious folks. That’s what I’ve been trying to say this entire time!

Suddenly, the creepy guy from The Burbs appears again. He’s at the production office this time and wants to see the lead actress in Jessica’s movie, but she’s not there…so he just leaves again. Meanwhile, Jessica rushes back to her hotel to see if her crime has made the news. She’s disappointed to find out that she didn’t make it in time, so she decides to cheer herself up by watching Psycho.

b9af30098678c7d19c57180b715005be1But that insufferable screenwriter interrupts her. And he also tells her some juicy dirt on the lead actress. So she goes to interrogate the lead actress over at the production office. When Jessica steps out to take a call, the creepy guy from The Burbs pops out of nowhere and pulls a gun on the lead actress. It’s obvious that he’s one of those stalker-types.

Jessica comes back from the phone and saves her buy pushing one of those rolling chairs into the back of the creep’s knees. Also, it turns out that the guy was just a prop gun from the lead actress’s first movie. He also admits to having seen Jessica over by The Bates House. He’s even spent the night in it, kind of making it his studio lodging during his stalking spree.

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Then he says that the house talked to him. So like he’s really not a credible witness, which sucks because he’s probably the only eye witness to Jessica Fletcher’s murderous ways. In order to “solve the case,” Jessica returns to The Bates Motel.

She starts up the stairs and I think we’re supposed to be worried that Norman Bates is going to jump out and stab her. But I’m not concerned She’s the only killer in this show. She heads over to the room where Janet Leigh was murdered and turns on the water in the shower because that’s normal and all.

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This dude named Willie comes up behind her. (He was the other last person to see the dead guy alive.) She accuses him of murdering the dead guy because he didn’t sign a new contract with him. This is based upon some blue papers and a glum look on Willie’s face when she saw them at the restaurant. She then shows him the blue papers (where did she get those??) and claims she can tell that the signature is a forgery.

He admits to the forgery and claims he’s sill innocent of murder. She then presents her “damning” evidence. He slipped in the dead guy’s blood on the way out of the house and had to wash it off in the motel bathroom. She’s confident that they’ll find his fingerprints everywhere.

Uh, where Jessica? In the shower that you just turned on? On the set in which you literally manhandled everything? Also, why is there still a source of water turned on for the Psycho shower?? So then Willie is like wahhh okay it was an accident. He hurt my feelingssss. And Jessica is all like yes, yes you’re horrible. 

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But here’s what really happened: Jessica obviously killed that guy. She was frustrated with the way that Hollywood was destroying her book. And we all know that our favorite little psycho likes to get her kicks by killing people and then solving their murders. The only question was who would be her victim. The obvious choice was that annoying screenwriter, but no, it would have been too obvious. So she waited for the prime opportunity–a business dispute between two long-time partners. She chose Willie to pin it on because he was the more emotional and bumbling one of the pair. She knew he’d get ticked off and probably try to knock the director out cold, which he did. But he didn’t kill him. No, Jessica kept stalking the Psycho house because it was the perfect crime scene. Plenty of places to spy and keep an eye on things. When Willie fled, she seized the moment to finish the director off and frame Willie. Then she proceeded to make it really obvious that she wanted to tour the house and then investigate it. She smeared her fingerprints everywhere, all under the guise of “investigation” thus destroying the integrity of any evidence. Only the lead actress’s stalker could have exposed her plot, but he was a total nut so no one would believe him anyway. J.B. Fletcher gets away with it again. But by this point it’s been eight years of this crap and no one is asking any questions.

Also, what’s going on here? Pretty sure I need to review this one next:
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