Braceface: Skin Deep

August 20, 2014August 20, 2014 ~ theveryspecialblog ~ 6 Comments

Someone in the early 2000’s decided that a cartoon television version of Clueless set while Cher was in middle school (and had braces) would be a great idea, and thus Braceface exists. They did get Alicia Silverstone to voice “Sharon” so it is actually pretty cool. But I don’t understand why they changed Cher’s name to Sharon. Alicia Silverstone (Cher/Sharon) clearly states in Clueless that she and Dionne were both named for singers. I guess I should not expect continuity between a cartoon prequel show and the clearly superior, genius film that inspired it, but this really bugs me. Since “Shar” is a stupid name that looks like the beginning of the world shard, I will henceforth refer to the lead character as Cher.

I find this episode especially confusing because Cher is going to model in a fashion show in which Dionne is the designer. I did not remember Dionne being in the cartoon, but they said that she is designing something for the fashion show so she must be a character. I kept looking around for a cartoon version of Dionne and I was like, “Ugh, where is she? I know I need new glasses but come on!” It turns out that the cartoon version of Dionne does not exist and the fashion designer is actually a male named Dion (as in Dion not Dionne).

Anyway, Cher gets to wear this great dress designed by Dion for the annual fashion show at her school. Unfortunately, Dionne does not go to Cher’s school but that mean girl Amber does. I guess she’s technically “Nina” but if Cher is “Sharon” then this must be Amber. Cher has a little trouble fitting into Dion’s dress and instead of just altering having him alter it, Cher decides to stop eating in order to fit into it. This mostly happens because Amber tells Cher she has baby fat. Baby fat is the tamest form of fat but, since Cher is thirteen, it totally sucks to be called both chubby and a baby.

Cher’s friends (not anyone you would know from Clueless) stage an intervention when Cher refuses to eat the baked tofu that her mom made her for dinner. Cher thinks diets cannot be bad for you because magazines always promote them. Her friends are like Cher, you are so dumb, the pictures in magazines are photo-shopped. So Cher humors them and eats some baked tofu. If this was your run-of-the-mill very special episode, then we would end with a nice freeze frame because all compulsive behaviors are cured with a conversation.

Instead, it’s all a clever ruse on Cher’s part and she stops eating again as soon as they leave. Hah! You did not even expect a cartoon to have an eating disorder did you? Let alone resist the very special episode resolve! It is only when Cher passes out on the runway that she realizes she has a problem. She and her friend Maria (the middle school version of Dionne) decide to go out and have some burgers and fries and giggle about how silly Cher was.

Very Special Lesson: If you realize your crash diet was dangerous, you should immediately binge on fast food.

I don't understand why she's worried about her waistline when her face is literally full of hard angles. Don't her cheeks hurt? She needs some cheek fat! — I don’t understand why she’s worried about her waistline when her face is literally full of hard angles. Don’t her cheeks hurt? She needs some cheek fat!

Saved by the Bell: Running Zack

August 4, 2014April 7, 2015 ~ theveryspecialblog ~ 10 Comments

When I was looking for this episode of Saved by the Bell, I totally missed it at first on Netflix. I thought with this kind of title it must have be about an athletic event and could not possible have anything to do with Native Americans. They wouldn’t use such an insensitive title for a very special episode, right? Well, I was wrong.

So you are in for a real treat with this one.

As it turns out, this episode does involve a track meet, but this only bookends the story. Also, the entire gang is on the track team except for Kelly who is a cheerleader (for track and field?) and Screech. I guess they left Screech out of the sport because he is a nerd, but he looks way more like the track kids I knew in high school than anyone else on this show does.

Anyhow, the crux of the episode is that the gang has to do a history report on their ancestors. Slater’s ancestors were bullfighters, Screech’s ancestors were Italian spies, and I seriously feel like they did not mention Kelly’s ancestors at all. Perhaps, they were cheerleaders at the Circus Maximus. Lisa’s ancestors escaped slavery and helped others to do the same through the Underground Railroad. Lisa says, “My family calls this underground railroad the original soul train.” Lark Voorhies breaks for a second and scoffs at this line because what writer ever decided to compare escaping slavery to a dance show? Seriously.

In this episode, Jesse has a lot of white guilt because her ancestors were slave traders. To make matters worse she has to present immediately after Lisa and right next to her poster of the Underground Railroad. I know you might want to give Jesse some credit for being aware of her white privilege, but that is not even the case here. She basically spends the entire day harassing Lisa because she feels bad and wants Lisa to make her feel better by letting her do random things for her. Lisa eventually threatens to beat her up if she does not leave her alone, and seriously no one could blame her if this thing came to blows. It’s like all of the energy Jesse usually devotes to flirtatiously calling Slater a misogynist is suddenly devoted to bribing Lisa and it is super annoying. Then it is Zack’s turn to present about his Native American forefathers. Screech helps him present by “being” a Native American prop, I think…

Luckily, his teacher calls him out on being a total jerk. He obviously knows nothing about history—he says his family is Cherokee from Burbank—so perhaps she should also be pissed at her own lack of efficacy. His teacher conveniently knows a chief, who educates Zack on his ancestors. On their second meeting he greets him as “Running Zack.” He says, “You run, you’re Zack, it works.” Then he offers this valuable lesson in cliches and offensive statements about why the “Indians” and the “white man” have such a gruesome history:

Zack finally gets his A when he comes to class in full stereotypical Native American garb. Poor Mark-Paul Gosselaar. What sixteen year old wants to dress up as a stereotype of a culture to which he has no actual relation? And as a job requirement? The worst part of all of this is that I truly feel like Saved by the Bell‘s heart was in the right place. They set Zack up with this whole it’s bad to stereotype, it’s important to know where you come from, and we need to respect other cultures plot-line. But then the writers/producers/tween Saturday morning audience either had or expected so little actual knowledge of history and culture that this episode ends up confronting one cliche with another cliche.

But then, things really get heavy when Chief Henry dies. There are only six minutes left in the episode! How are we going to wrap this up? Oh, of course, a dream sequence. And what do you suppose happens in said dream sequence? Chief Henry gives Zack a message on a handmade headband: Beat Valley. [In the track meet, you guys. Maybe you already figured that out, but I wanted to clarify just in case I skipped over the track meet part of this episode a little too much.]

Very Special Lesson: Sometimes Very Special Episodes are just so misguided, you guys.

Clarissa Explains It All: Hero Worship

July 24, 2014July 11, 2014 ~ theveryspecialblog ~ 2 Comments

Before Melissa Joan Hart was everyone’s favorite teenage witch, she played the coolest junior high schooler ever on Clarissa Explains It All. Clarissa writes articles for the school newspaper, has the best clothes, and a cool best friend who always enters by climbing a ladder to her window. My dad was always outraged at the inappropriateness of a teenage boy entering a girl’s window via ladder, but they only thing that made it inappropriate was him telling me it was inappropriate. I would still enter most rooms this way if possible. On a side note, I am astounded by the number of window seats in Clarissa’s house. I counted three in this episode alone. That sounds like a great place to live! But I digress.

In the world of very special episodes, there are a few go-to topics: substance use/abuse, 30-minute eating disorders, learning disabilities, and miscellaneous peer pressure. Clarissa Explains It All was a pretty cutting-edge show and thus could not fall prey to the cliches of very special episodes. So today I bring you a very special very special episode topic: stalking.

Eve is the new girl at school (as in All About Eve). At first it does not seem weird that Eve thinks Clarissa is the coolest (because duh, she is). Plus, Eve seems like a pretty great friend to have around. She hand delivers the new Nirvana tape along with research for Clarissa’s next opinion column. (Maybe Clarissa is like the godmother of blogging…) Then Eve starts to dress like Clarissa and begins begging for the inside scoop on her articles. Clarissa’s latest cutting edge piece is how virtual classrooms will take the place of actually going to school by the year 2000. Ah, if only.

Eve really starts to show her crazy when she overhears Clarissa and her bff Sam (aka cool guy who only enters the house via a ladder) talking about how they can use Clarissa’s school newspaper press pass to ride some of the monster trucks at a car show. Eve tells Clarissa there’s a last minute newspaper meeting and Clarissa generously offers for Eve to go with Sam to the car show. It’s so obvious that Eve is lying because she wants the opportunity to go to the car show and pretend to lead Clarissa’s life. But Clarissa is super nice and trusting, so she does not even notice that Eve is a psychopath until it is too late. Suddenly, Eve has totally taken on Clarissa’s personality and it is super creepy. She gets a whole new makeover and acts like she is the queen of the school newspaper. Everyone is totally into her because she’s cool like Clarissa. I guess they’re not worried about how this girl totally ripped of Clarissa’s personality. Maybe she was so shy they never noticed her when she was just regular Eve and now they’re all like “Oh cool, Clarissa has a twin sister who suddenly transferred to our school.” The whole situation really begins to mess with Clarissa’s brain and she hallucinates that her reflection is actually EVE!

Clarissa 8 — (Poor Melissa Joan Hart has been in some lighthearted sitcoms with weird hallucination.)

Clarissa’s mom tells her not to worry because eventually Eve will find her own path and give up on copying Clarissa. Clarissa’s mom was always super crunchy granola and maybe this attitude contributed to the warm welcome she offers to this girl who is not only stalking her daughter, but also stealing her identity. Still, this seems like such a cop-out. I’m not a mom, but Sorry, honey, I can’t think of how to help you, but I am sure your stalker will eventually get bored of you seems like the worst parenting ever in existence.

That's not Clarissa, it's Eve. And her mom is super fine with it. What?! — That’s not Clarissa, it’s Eve. And her mom is super fine with it. What?!

Things never get too bad though because Clarissa outwits Eve by planting a false story idea for a column that she know sucks and that she knows copycat Eve will steal.

Very Special Lesson: Stay away from creepers.

The Cosby Show: I’m with the In Crowd

July 21, 2014July 21, 2014 ~ theveryspecialblog ~ 5 Comments

Remember all of the Cosby kids? How Denise was the cool one, Theo was the funny one, Rudy was the cute one, and Vanessa was the practical one, which meant she got very few of the story lines? (And Sondra was the already adult one that they added later kind of like an after thought.) But finally, in this very special episode of The Cosby Show, Vanessa gets her moment to shine in the sordid tale of a good girl gone bad. After finishing her chemistry final, Vanessa gets together with her friends to celebrate. When they run out of videos to watch, they decide to play the Alphabet Game with bourbon. I thought that people stopped playing this game in the third grade, but apparently sixteen year-old girls play it too and are surprisingly bad about naming American cities even with 100% sober.

Of course, that sober thing does not last very long, and soon half the girls are sick to their stomachs. For once, this seems like a pretty realistic depiction of first time drinkers because it happened out of boredom and not at a Toga party on a Tuesday night. Vanessa calls Denise and she totally covers for her because she’s the cool one, duh. But while Denise is upstairs trying to sober Vanessa up, one of the parents calls Clare tells her that all the girls were drinking. Denise (such a cool sister) tries to convince her parents that Vanessa got the flu on the way home, but they already know the truth. Clare and Cliff are uncharacteristically chill and all like, “Vanessa, you’re sick to your stomach and that’s your punishment.” Yeah, well there is NO way that the vomit is the punishment in this household. When Vanessa comes home from school, her parents sit her down to play another round of the Alphabet Game with little Rudy who is in the sixth grade. Rudy ends up with the letter J (which is one of the harder letters) and she totally blanks. Cliff starts to pour her a shot and Vanessa is all like “Dad, you can’t make your twelve year-old drink.” But Cliff persists and Rudy is all like “ew this is gross” but her parents are all like “These are the rules!!” and, in what looks like some seriously abusive, messed up shit, Rudy downs the shot and everyone cheers her on. Soon Vanessa, misses a letter and the entire family starts chanting “chug-a-lug,”–a phrase that I have never heard anyone use in real life but now would like to start using. Vanessa caves under the pressure again, and downs the shot which she finally realizes is tea because her parents are not actually psychopaths. Roll credits. Right there. No further analysis or decompression. It’s tea, we laugh, and the end.

Very Special Lesson: Playing mind games will always drive a lesson home.

The More You Know: Check out Stitch Boom Bang featuring knit hats based upon Cliff’s sweaters: http://stitchboombang.wordpress.com/

Chick Like Me: When Very Special Episodes Get It Right

July 17, 2014July 17, 2014 ~ theveryspecialblog ~ 4 Comments

“Chick Like Me” is one of the most popular Boy Meets World episodes ever, according to Entertainment Weekly. It is certainly my personal favorite (even though there are many close seconds). Most importantly, this is one very special episode that I cannot mock because it actually does teach a moral lesson in a manner that is neither didactic nor trite. “Chick Like Me” is the gold standard of Very Special Episodes. Inspired by journalist John Howard Griffin’s classic Black Like Me–in which Griffin darkens his skin color and travels through the racially segregated 1950’s South–Corey decides to go undercover as a girl to conduct an investigation on gender relations at John Adams High. Shawn came up with the idea for this, so I’ll have to give him the creative credit here and not Corey. He also came up with the awesome title.

In fact, Shawn is definitely the key player in this episode. As it turns out, Corey is really bad at being a girl. He tries to look “pretty” and attempts to walk like a girl and it is awful. It’s so obviously that Corey is super uncomfortable. Shawn, on the other hand, has no trouble getting in touch with this female side and has even previously thought about what his name would be if he were a girl. In order to get info for Corey’s newspaper article, Shawn goes on a date as “Veronica” with the resident douchebag, Gary. Gary starts off the date by asking every single girl’s least favorite question: “How is it that someone like you doesn’t have a boyfriend?” This is one of the most backhanded compliments, I can think of. It’s almost like “you’re so great, what have you done wrong in your life that you’ve failed to achieve this otherwise attainable goal?” Or worse, “what’s fundamentally wrong with you that I’m not seeing?” What could possibly be the intended response to this question? “Oh, I don’t know. I’m just such a shy and unassuming flower. I’ve been waiting for the right person to discover me and here you are!” But that then again implies, that the woman even wants said questioner to be her boyfriend. And frankly, some of the most offensive things anyone has ever said to me start with that syntax: “How does a girl like you…” It’s not only inappropriate because it massively generalizes supposed “types” of women, but also because it leaves this vague question in the air of “What kind of girl do you think I am?”

Of course, this is the least upsetting thing that Gary does all night. He manhandles “Veronica,” implies that she is “asking for it” by the way she is dressed, and claims that she must not like guys when she pushes him off of her. Veronica a.k.a. Shawn eventually punches Gary in the face on behalf of “every girl [he’s] ever known” and vows to be a better listener (and thus more respectful) in his relationships in the future. Everything I wrote above is what makes the episode great. But what I think makes the episode amazing is Corey.

Shawn has clearly been tasked with educating us in this episode, so what is Corey left to do? He may appear at first to be the comedic relief, but I would argue that he is teaching us his own lesson about self-awareness and acceptance. While, he was awkward walking around as a “cute” high school girl type, he is totally at ease as Cora–the brash and punny new waitress at Chubby’s. Corey has not shared his plans to go undercover as Cora with Shawn (who is on his date with Gary) or Topanga (who is watching from a nearby table). The character of Cora is definitely scripted to lighten the mood in this otherwise assault-y date that Shawn is experiencing as Veronica, but it isn’t that drag that makes Cora funny. Sure, it’s funny in a novel way to see Corey as a saucy waitress, but after the initial shock of seeing Corey crash the Veronica/Gary date, Cora becomes just another character. The joke here is not “hey, look at me I’m dressed like a lady,” but rather “look at me I’m a cheeky waitress who tells it like it is, honey.” And the best part is that Corey doesn’t seem to think it’s funny that he’s in drag. Corey seems to really enjoy exploring this new archetype. Haven’t we all learned something new about ourselves when we experienced being someone different? Even if that lesson isn’t that we need to treat others better? Maybe that lesson is that we need to know ourselves better too.

Shawn’s transformance more classically resembles Black Like Me—in that it is done not for humor or entertainment but rather to gain understanding and empathy for a seemingly disparate person. But Corey learns a lot about himself as well through his experience as Cora. Corey is often worried about fitting in and being cool, so it’s really nice to see him confidently saunter around as Cora. Even though she’s weird and outspoken, I’d imagine that she might be saying plenty of things that Corey is already thinking.

Very Special Lesson: Don’t be a douchebag. Listen to what your date is saying.

Full House: Under the Influence

July 14, 2014July 11, 2014 ~ theveryspecialblog ~ 8 Comments

Full House is possibly the most wholesome show ever, which is why I am surprised that Joey, Danny, and Jesse allowed DJ to go to a frat party while she’s still in high school. I thought they would know better. But maybe they are so wholesome that they don’t. Kimmy gets drunk at the party and feels like she can fly. If getting drunk always had this affect, I would be an alcoholic. Well, probably not. But it does sound like a fun experience.DJ takes her home, presumably so that Kimmy does not get in trouble at her house. However, I never remember Kimmy having parents, so I doubt this concern is warranted. Apparently, Kimmy was so drunk at the party that the frat boys kicked them out. I went to a liberal arts college without Greek life, so I am not that familiar with how this stuff works, but I would guess that they kicked them out because Kimmy was annoying and not because she was too drunk.

[There’s a subplot about Michelle and her twin cousins learning about forgiveness but it’s really boring, so I’m not going to mention it here beyond this sentence. Uncle Jesse’s kids were soooo boring.]

It turns out that Kimmy does not remember the party at all like DJ does. Kimmy thinks she was super cool and DJ was lame, but it turns out that Kimmy was really just super drunk and obnoxious. It turns out that this frat party is full of upstanding students who do not want to have alcohol at their party. They kicked out the people who brought the beer that Kimmy drank because they were afraid of losing their charter. But it turns out that DJ is not mad at Kimmy for getting drunk, she is mad at her for trying to drive home afterwards. DJ had to fight her for her keys because Kimmy did not know she was drunk even though she could not stand up. (Is this a real thing or a very special episode thing? I’ve always known when I was drunk. Does that make me enlightened and self aware or does that make Kimmy an idiot?) The reason that DJ is so pissed is that her mom was killed by a drunk driver. I have to give this very special episode some credit because they basically never mention the girls’ mother on the show, and it’s really kind of nice how a young Candace Cameron-Bure handles the moment here. But it definitely drives the point home when the entire plot of the show essentially revolves around a death caused by driving under the influence–even if its depiction of frat parties is silly.

Very Special Lesson: Getting drunk at a college party will make everyone think you’re a jerk. You will embarrass yourself and everyone will have more integrity than you. They will send you home safely with your best friend whose dad is Bob Saget.

The Golden Girls: Brother Can You Spare That Jacket?

July 7, 2014August 9, 2020 ~ theveryspecialblog ~ 8 Comments

If you exist on this earth, I am going to assume that you know of, have seen, or worship The Golden Girls. If you are not from Earth, hello, welcome. Thanks for reading my blog! Please google The Golden Girls before proceeding to read this post.

Things start off simply enough in this episode with the girls casually playing the scratch off lottery. Dorothy wins $10,000 dollars and they’re all excited about splitting it. (I guess when one golden girl wins all the golden girls win?) They decide to keep the ticket in Blanche’s new vintage jacket for safe keeping even though a coat pocket is not a very safe place at all. Would you carry around $10,000 in your coat pocket? I didn’t think so.

Sophia accidentally donates the jacket to charity, the girls head to the thrift store to pick it up, and unfortunately Michael Jackson has purchased it on his way to a sold out concert. The fact that Michael Jackson stopped at a thrift store mid-concert-commute in order to update his wardrobe is by far the least farfetched aspect of this episode.

Lucky, for the golden girls, Michael Jackson is auctioning off that very jacket for charity the next day. The opening bid is $10,000 (which seems like a steal for Michael Jackson’s jacket) so the girls are out of luck again. Yet in another shocking plot twist, the congressman who has won the ticket decides to donate it to charity (again!) so that a homeless person can have a warm jacket. No offense, but how cold does it really get in Miami? Shamelessly, the women decide to spend the night in the homeless shelter to try to track down the jacket.

This has got to be by far the cleanest homeless shelter ever. Everyone has army blankets and cots, but all of the mattresses and sheets look brand new. The golden girls are all bummed out by what they’re witnessing, but not bummed out enough to oh, I don’t know, let actual homeless people have their beds.

Sometimes I like to go down to the homeless shelter and just gab. It’s like a big slumber party!

Blanche tells a homeless man who pays a quarter for a breakfast of coffee and cereal that she prefers to skip breakfast because she has to watch her figure. Ugh, I know the writers are trying to make a social point, but this really just makes Blanche look like an idiot at best. The good thing about this episode is that each of the girls meets someone at the shelter who (in an non-sappy way) educates them about how terrible it is not to have consistent food and shelter—and oh wait we are looking for the jacket again. The moment is saved by a folksy song as we thoughtfully pan the faces of the downtrodden—while still looking for the jacket. In a last minute change of heart, the girls donate the lottery ticket to the shelter.

Very Special Lesson: It’s okay to spend the night in a homeless shelter with limited bed space, as long as you hand over the winning lottery ticket in the morning.

A Very Special Guest on Full House

July 3, 2014June 27, 2014 ~ theveryspecialblog ~ Leave a comment

Very Special Lesson: Don’t be yourself be Uncle Jesse.

Boy Meets World: If You Can’t Be with the One You Love

June 30, 2014June 30, 2014 ~ theveryspecialblog ~ 2 Comments

Remember the original Boy Meets World before it was co-opted into a Disney tween show that makes me feel unnecessarily old? It was a great show about growing up with your friends and your teacher who taught you every grade ever. For most of the show’s seven year run, the story lines realistically dealt with the issues kids face while they are becoming young adults. But no sitcom of the late twentieth century was totally immune to the very special episode formula. Every episode of Boy Meets World had a great life lesson, but only some episodes have the magic and schmaltz to be very special episodes. Once upon a time, Boy Meets World taught us all a valuable lesson about alcohol. The “boy” of BMW,Corey, and his long-time girlfriend, Topanga, have broken up. I can’t remember why they went their separate ways, but Corey is so devastated by his inability to non-awkwardly interact with Topanga at a party that he ends up drinking alone. He spends an hour and a half in the bathroom with a pint of whiskey and consumes a surprisingly small amount of it. After his best friend, Shawn, discovers him drunk and alone in a stranger’s bathroom, they decide to finish the bottle together.

Now to even the casual sitcom viewer, it is obvious that the boys are swiftly descending down the slippery slope that is teenage drinking. Corey and Shawn leave the party and pay a random man to buy them alcohol. Then, with cavalier disregard for open container laws, they enjoy a couple of beers on the sidewalk right in front of the corner store where they just bribed that dude…I don’t think they’ve had enough alcohol to be behaving this stupidly, especially since Shawn had the dexterity to walk around on his hands acrobat style like 90 seconds prior. They get arrested, of course, and Corey’s dad bails them both out of jail. Corey’s dad totally blames Shawn for everything because he’s from the wrong side of the tracks. This is super terrible on his part since he’s known Shawn for at least five years and Shawn has pretty much never done anything to warrant this “bad boy” treatment. Corey does not let Shawn take the blame, and instead confesses that he’s lost his heart and has no life. This is probably the point where you should connect your kid with a mental health professional (“the more you know”), but instead his dad just apologizes to Shawn for being such a dick.

Corey: "I just broke up with someone I spent my entire life with. I dont have a heart anymore. Ive lost my life." — Corey: “I just broke up with someone I spent my entire life with. I dont have a heart anymore. Ive lost my life.” …Uhh, maybe the main problem here is NOT the drinking.

Having learned the error of their ways, Shawn and Corey promise each other that they will never drink again, but Shawn quickly breaks that promise. Shawn, who is now apparently an alcoholic, learns from his half-brother, Jack, that their father was an alcoholic and was abusive. Shawn literally lunges at Jack for saying this, which maybe proves his brother’s point. Then Topanga and Shawn’s girlfriend, Angela, arrive and that’s where Shawn’s behavior hits a fever pitch. Shawn aggressively pushes Angela into the door when she tries to get him to stop drinking which definitely proves his brother’s point. Even though everyone just called Shawn an alcoholic, he decides to never drink again. He is totally without any signs of withdrawal and manages to quit cold turkey! This is especially impressive because Shawn also has not obtained any new coping skills since the beginning of this thirty minute episode. But you know, all it really tacks to break a habit is a stern talking to from your friends.

Very Special Lesson: If you get drunk once and you’re from a broken home, you will become an aggressive alcoholic like your dad. If you come form a middle class two parent family, you’ll have one drunken night in high school and never drink again even if you did give an entire speech full of red flags about your inability to handle a breakup.

Further Reading on the new Boy Meets World spin off Girl Meets World:

http://whitehattv.wordpress.com/2014/06/29/girl-meets-world-how-was-the-spinoff-of-the-90s-hit/
http://thehudsucker.com/2014/06/24/is-the-world-ready-for-girl-meets-world-pilot-review/ http://geekalabama.com/2014/06/24/tv-review-girl-meets-world/

Saved by the Bell: Drinking and Driving

June 25, 2014July 1, 2014 ~ theveryspecialblog ~ 3 Comments

Saved-Bell — Just give these guys the keys to the mystery machine already!

When I was in elementary school, Saved by the Bell lied to me about high school. It was so G-rated that my mom was cool with letting me watch it. And miraculously (or by design?) I never saw the episodes with drinking, marijuana, or the infamous caffeine pill addiction until I was much older. By that point, it was clear to me that the idyllic high school picture Saved By the Bell promised for my future was an utter lie. But did I scorn the show and bitterly deride it? No, of course not. I love Bayside! Instead, I began to think of Saved by the Bell as a live action cartoon. These kids always felt more like the Scooby-Doo gang than actual teenagers, and that’s pretty much why I loved this show and continue to love it as an adult.

However, being a light-hearted live action cartoon show did not keep this show from throwing in a few very special episodes, including an important message about drunk driving. This is one of the weird Tori episodes, but it’s a very special episode so we can overlook the glaring absence of Jessie and Kelly, who apparently only hung out with their friends for half of senior year and only when Tori wasn’t around. Personally, I found Tori pretty abrasive, so I like to imagine that Jessie and Kelly were eating at a separate lunch table and wondering why their friends had temporarily lost their minds.

Meanwhile, in Tori-land, Lisa has been soliciting votes for homecoming queen while Zack and Slater work on planning the after party. It’s a toga party, of course, and Tori wears her leather jacket over her toga because she wants us all to know she’s too cool for this shit. Slater’s been calling the football players idiots all night, and not in the “I’m harassing you because we’re teammates kind of way” but rather in the “I think you’re actually really stupid, so I’m going to talk about you behind your back to my real friends” kind of way. Slater clearly thinks all of these guys are lame, so it’s surprising when they easily peer pressure him into drinking beer. Slater then peer pressures Zack while Lisa looks on. Since the rest of the Scooby-Doo gang is doing it, Lisa accepts a glass of beer which one of her “loyal subjects” serves on a silver tray.

Tori may be the resident rebel but she does not under any circumstances drink, so she goes home. Screech, who also has not been drinking, offers to drive everyone home but they all decide it’s a better idea to drive drunk than let Screech drive the car. Screech is a major creep, so I can understand their reluctance to put him in charge but this is a stupid decision nonetheless.

Ah, the dramatic irony that is the very special episode. Zack drives everyone home to the tune of Wild Thing because that’s what cartoon character high schoolers listen to when they’re breaking the rules. Zack crashes the car, duh. And Tori comes to the rescue with by paying for a tow truck because she feels guilty about leaving them alone at the party. Ugh seriously, Tori you couldn’t even offer them a ride home? This is what I’m talking about. This shit is exactly why Jessie and Kelly can’t stand you.

Come on, Preppy, all of the 25 year-old actors playing our classmates are doing it.

By the way, did I mention that the car is Lisa’s parents’ Mercedes? Lisa’s parents are out-of-town, so they have the car towed to Zack’s house. I do not understand this part of the plan. Wouldn’t you want to take the car to a place with no parental supervision? This feels like a rookie mistake. I truly expect better form Zack Morris, but they say alcohol makes you dumb and this is some pretty dumb stuff indeed. Luckily for the gang, Zack’s dad doesn’t question anything even though everyone is wearing a toga and it’s the middle of the night. The next day everyone is hung over. They’re also at school, so this was apparently a weeknight party? But the worst part for everyone seems not to be oh—that they could have easily died while driving buzzed down the road—but that they feel sooooo guilty for lying about it. And also A.C. Slater can’t play in the homecoming game because he broke his arm in the accident. He’s managed to completely repair, buff, and wax the car, but throwing a football would be too much for his injury. But the car won’t start and Zack’s dad comes out as they’re trying to explain and all of the lies pile up until they have to come clean! The guilt is too much!

Very Special Lesson: The lies you tell to cover up drunk driving are more painful than the actual drunk driving—wait…that can’t be right.

Okay, I think I have it this time:

Very Special Lesson: Tori sucks. I think it is safe to say that this never would have happened without Tori. I know, I know, you’re like “But aren’t you being a little unfair to Tori? She didn’t even drink!” Listen, if it weren’t for Tori being a totally insufferable addition to the friend group, Kelly and Jesse would have been at that party and Jesse Spano would NEVER let her friends experiment with alcohol and other drugs after what she learned from her own addiction.