Remember, that The Golden Girls never actually went to a Disney Park, so they are once again at a disadvantage in this competition. But everyone loves an underdog. And everyone loves The Golden Girls. The only reason that Dorothy and Sophia never go to the park (aside from one short ride on Space Mountain in the credits) is that Dorothy has really only taken her mother on a trip in order to be able to spend time with her without interruption. They basically could have found a quiet corner booth in a Miami diner and had this exact same experience.

And while the plot is strong, we do have to remember that this is a “Disney Episode Showdown” and not a “talk about going to Disney Episode Showdown.” The Golden Girls easily beat out quintessentially low-performing Step by Step because the “family takes a trip to Disney” didn’t a plot really at all. If you watched the episode, you had to sit through 40 pain-staking minutes of people following other dreams at Disney while incidentally being at Disney. The only truly Disney specific event is Flash’s quest for the world record. And maybe if that had been like the entire episode and the whole family really pulled together to work on that and like met some Imagineers and discussed theme park planning or whatever then maybe it would have been more interesting.

But instead we got to watch long montages at probably four different points in the show and that was a major plot point. The rest of the time was spent watching two boys waste all of their savings to chase girls, mom & dad complain about their lack of alone time, and the sisters attempt to win a singing competition. I mean, they could have just as easily been at Universal. But honestly, I’m not here to shit on Step by Step again. It’s just that awarding The Golden Girls plot victory over Step by Step (or even Roseanne for that matter) feels pretty justified even though The Golden Girls never went to the park.

But with Blossom it just doesn’t feel fair. I think that’s because even though the plot points on Blossom are somewhat incidental too–like would any of this really hold together as an episode without the setting, iffy–the plot points are incidental in a good way. This couldn’t work as a stand alone episode but that’s because everyone’s kind of having a personal moment at Disney. And that personal moment is somehow created or rectified by actually being at the park. We shouldn’t expect much less from the O.G. of very special episodes.

Blossom would never have had an awful fight with her boyfriend if it weren’t for the fact that he started behaving strangely because he was afraid of all of the theme park’s attractions. He wasn’t just afraid of The Matterhorn, he was freaked out by The Swiss Family Robinson Tree House. That’s how bad his fear of heights was. And it made him act like a weirdo. But like many teenagers she totally took it personally and made it all about herself. At the end of this episode she learns that it’s a stupid thing to do, and he learns it’s shady to pretend nothing is wrong when there is obviously something wrong. It’s a good lesson that they could have learned anywhere, but it’s cool that they learned it at Disney because that’s the kind of weird shit that you learn about each other at theme parks. This is a great way to integrate the setting and have a good overall plot all at the same time.

So I’m very sorry to The Golden Girls because this does conclude their time in the competition, but I would like to thank them for being a friend. And also I’d like to point out that they only lose by one point. That’s pretty badass for a couple of ladies on a soundstage.

I think their music was way better than “The Party.” And I still love those cardigans.

Point Break Down:
Blossom: Integration of Disney Setting (1 pt) + Overall Plot (2 pts)  = 3 pts

The Golden Girls: Vacation Attire (1 pt) + Music (1 pt)= 2 pts

Very Special Winner: Blossom