Author: theveryspecialblog

Cartoon All-Stars to the Rescue

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Taking over the War on Drugs from Reigning Queen Nancy Reagan, is no easy task. But Barbara and George H.W. Bush pulled out all of the stops for Cartoon All-Stars to the Rescue. In light of the recent death of Saturday Morning Cartoons, let this post be a requiem. A snarky, nostalgia riddled requiem for the wistful charm of a more innocent time.

cartoon 3Your favorite cartoons are alive and well, living secretly in your home. They are the only witnesses to your drug-addicted brother robbing your piggy bank. You see, poor teenage Michael is addicted to marijuana, so the cartoons set out to help him kick the habit, while Winnie-the-Pooh stays behind to comfort Michael’s little sister and her crushed piggy bank of dreams.

They follow Michael to a cool teen hang out where his friends offer him some white rocks, and he almost takes them because MARIJUANA IS A GATEWAY DRUG and OMG PEER PRESSURE. But the cops bust the place and Michael runs away only to be corned by Bugs Bunny with a time machine in the alley.

cartoon 1

You see, it all started two years ago when Michael was seriously peer pressured at the park to the point that he had to do drugs with his friends. That’s when he started to be haunted by a creepy ghost-death-cartoon, who is the proverbial monkey on his back but if the monkey was some sort of evil genie.

One day, Michael’s friends pressure him into giving them money for crack rock. He hesitates because that is “hard stuff,” so his friend runs away with his wallet, and Michael falls into the Ninja Turtle’s open manhole while chasing her. Michelangelo is only there for like two seconds as the token Ninja Turtle and quickly hands Michael off to the Muppet Babies, so that they can show him what drugs do to his brain.

cartoon 2This is the trippiest shit I have ever seen—way trippier than most surrealist films. Also, now I’m just thinking about things and like if we are in cartoon world and the cartoon all-stars are the rescuers, then why are the people drawn as cartoons too? Who are the cartoons and who are not the cartoons? ARE WE ALL JUST CARTOONS??

Oh thank God, it’s Huey, Dewy, and Louie. And now everyone is singing about how to say no to drugs. Woah sensory overload…I cannot even tell what they are saying. Miss Piggy just ninja kicked the camera and shattered the glass. And it was all a dream? What? Michael wakes up from a dream?!? Ugh, I am SO sick of the dream sequence! Wait, no. It could not have been a dream because A.L.F. just pulled Michael into the inside of a mirror. Oh man, I am so confused. Am I on drugs? It’s hurting my brain!

Aw man, now Michael’s little sister is being pressured by the scary ghost to do the drugs that she found in Michael’s room. He throws Pooh across the room when he tries to stop her from doing drugs. Then she’s all like “Woah, what is this stuff??” NO, if a creepy ethereal creature without any lower half to his body throws your Winnie-the-Pooh across the room, then you should no longer listen to anything he has to say or take anything from him!

Meanwhile, Michael is bouncing around inside the mirror, which is some kind of Carnival from Hell. At one point he is in Baby Piggy’s soda cup and she spits him out of her mouth…what? Also, at the carnival, Daffy Duck shows Michael his future, in which he becomes a drug-addled zombie. This scares him straight just in time to stop his little sister from doing drugs too.

Very Special Lesson: This really freaked me out. I think he was on something really scary. What the heck just happened?

This Is How You Write a Theme Song

~ theveryspecialblog ~ 9 Comments

Just kidding guys, I don’t know how to write a song let alone tell you how to write one. But I do have a lot of thoughts about theme songs. First of all, where have they gone? Did we misplace all of the intro music to our television shows? Is it all just a symptom of the untimely death of the American sitcom?  I may not be a person-snob but I am definitely a snob in regards to some pretty niche things. For example Ben Stone was significantly better than Jack McCoy on the original Law & Order and no one can tell me otherwise. But today I want to talk about theme songs. I have some pretty strong feelings, and I’d like to thank the Daily Post for giving me the opportunity to complain to a larger audience about the difficulties facing theme song savants in world in which theme songs are currently disenfranchised. (But everything old is new again, so I think maybe we can hope for a comeback one day).

First of all, let me say this. I would prefer a lack of theme song to a crappy theme song. Let’s just let the credits roll over the opening sequence instead of subjecting ourselves to the theme song from The Nanny yet again. Ugh, even just typing that right now made that song get stuck in my head all over again! Yes, a good theme song tells a story. We want to know a little bit about the plot or over all feeling of the show, but not the entire pilot episode! Alan Thicke (the only accomplished musician in his family as far as I am concerned…) does this really well in The Diff’rent Strokes theme song. And if you are going to tell a little more of the story, then it should be a really great song on it’s own like Hey, Hey, We’re the Monkees or The Ballad of Gilligan’s Island. 

Then there’s the problem of a too long theme song (like in Family Ties or the uncut Cheers theme song). Luckily, Full House and Cheers managed to save themselves from the too-long-song fate by cutting down their theme songs midway through their run. Thank goodness for this because yes we all do want to go where everyone knows are name, but we do not need to slowly plod through the reminder of our worldly troubles.

Then there’s the theme song that is not worthy of it’s excellent show. I have to reference Family Ties again here. Don’t beg me wrong, I love Deniece Williams, she totally killed it on Let’s Hear it for the Boy (possibly the best song on the Footloose soundtrack tied with Shalamar’s Dancing in the Sheets). However, someone greatly wronged Deniece Williams by making her sing this totally blah song. It would have been cool if she had gotten to do the duet with BJ Thomas for the Growing Pains theme song because that song was awesome. But you’d have to expect a high quality theme song out of a show involving Alan Thicke.

The Fresh Prince of Bel-Air: Just Say Yo

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Screen Shot 2014-09-09 at 4.30.15 PMIt’s prom season in Bel-Air and Will is juggling a lot of activities. He’s working a job, playing basketball, studying, and trying to make time for his girlfriend, Cindy. His cousin Carlton, meanwhile, is upset because he has to deal with a pimple. Poor Will is basically falling asleep standing up, so a teammate offers Will  some Speed (which he calls “freeze dried coffee”) to help him have enough energy to get everything done. I think we all know how bad actual dehydrated coffee can be, Jessie’s Song aired 3 years prior, so if caffeine can be that intense then Speed must be really bad.

Just because Will is from a broken home in west Philly, doesn’t mean that Will is going to make poor decisions. He does not take the pills and instead falls asleep at the prom. Carlton, however, does take the Speed—by accident. He is still very distraught about his pimple and mistakenly thinks that the pills are some sort of extra-strength Vitamin E that will immediately clear up his face-situation. This leads to a lot of frantic dancing. Screen Shot 2014-09-09 at 4.29.39 PM

Eventually, Carlton passes out and Will takes him to the hospital. Carlton awakes to learn that he has had his stomach pumped. The nurse tells him he is going to be fine, but he must to stay overnight in the “chemical dependency unit,” which is standard procedure for all substance abusers. Will and Carlton try to talk their way out of this, but the nurse (who used to be a drug addict) won’t hear it. Will’s aunt and uncle praise Will’s good thinking, but he feels guilty because he had the pills in his locker to begin with. It’s still pretty clearly Carlton’s fault for taking unmarked pills, but Will’s conscience gets the better of him and he confesses to his uncle that he had the pills in his locker.

As per usual, Uncle Phil yells at Will and is all like, “My son could have died because of you.” When really it’s like, no your son could have died because he is an idiot and took random pills. Why would Will have unmarked Vitamin E tablets in his locker anyway? He’s the Fresh Prince, he doesn’t get pimples!

Anyway, Uncle Phil makes Will cry and apologize to the entire family, while Carlton nods along like “yeah, you could have killed me.”

Very Special Lesson: If someone breaks into your locker and poisons themselves with something they found the you in no one encouraged them to ingest, then it’s all your fault if they almost die.

You Better Promise Me I’ll Be Back in Time

~ theveryspecialblog ~ 5 Comments

I’m writing this as the sounds of PYT drift through my mid-morning ear drums. I borrowed a quote from a Huey Lewis song in order to come up with a title. So when asked whether I would use a time machine to travel to the future or to the past, it must be pretty obvious which one I would chose. Well, the subject matter was probably a dead giveaway.

Reasons I would travel to the past instead of the future:

  1. I’m not comfortable with unknowns: What if the future is some weird dystopian bummer land? Or what if everyone has plague? Or what if everyone I like is dead? Ick. I’m cool with dealing with uncertainty as I live my life in the present time and gradually move into the future, but I think that if there is anything we can learn from Back to the Future: Part II, it’s that the future can be pretty grim. No hover board or self-strapping shoe can erase from my mind that is the travesty of seeing Lea Thompson looking like a hot mess.
  2. It’s quite possible that I could be the coolest kid ever in the late 20th Century: I was not a cool kid in the late 90’s. I know, I know. I blog largely about the 90’s so how is this possible? Well, I LOVED pop culture in this gigantic gestalt even then and my classmates could not understand my passion for All in the Family or The Facts of Life when those shows were not “hip” or”relevant.” I listened to disco in the third grade and I was weird. I liked bubble gum 60’s pop while everyone else was listening exclusively to The Offspring. And frankly, while I looooved early/mid 90’s film/media/fashion, I just was not into whatever was happening in the late 90’s. Thus, after much analysis, I think I could have owned the 80’s through early 90’s with my vast knowledge and appreciation for culture and style. Unfortunately, it’s not considered acceptable behavior to take a three year old to a Madonna concert, though there was a plan to take me to see the B-52s when I was two. (My parents thought better of it at the last minute.)
  3. I want to wear Jellies non-ironically. I know they make your feet sweat and create weird blisters where you think it would be impossible to get a blister, but I think these shoes rock. The light pink color is my favorite because it has the leg-elongating effect of a nude shoe (results may vary based on skin color) AND allows you to look like you are so care free and breezy that you do not even have to wear a sensible shoe. “Oh I’m just roaming around, taking life one minute at a time in my leg-elongating, care-free jellies.”

Would you travel to the past or the future if you had a one-way time machine? You can check out other responses here.

7th Heaven: Who Knew?

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7th Heaven has to be the most saccharine, didactic, and unrealistic show ever—in other words, it’s perfect for The Very Special Blog. To be honest, I usually cannot stand this show, so there is a good chance that I will never post about it ever again. Yet every now and again the stars align and I get interested in an episode. Here is a math equation for why I am sitting here and watching this show right now:

Barry Watson (handsome and much too authentic for this melodramatic crap) + parents reacting to joint as if it is PCP blunt + Family dog holding said joint in mouth for “profound” emotional effect =
A great way to spend a weeknight.

7th heavenMatt (Barry Watson) gets a joint from a friend at school. This guy just kinda says something like, “Hey buddy, sorry you can’t hang out with me and the guys tonight, so here’s a joint, Bye.” Matt’s a “good” kid but he hangs on to it anyway because all teenagers are tempted by the forbidden fruit of rebellion, or something like that. When he comes home from school, the joing falls out of his pocket, and the family dog, Happy, picks it up. She does not devour it but simple holds it gently until the patriarch of the Camden family can come home and dislodge it from her mouth whilst casScreen Shot 2014-09-29 at 9.10.32 PMually greeting her. Dog as plot device. We are off to a good start.

The Reverend Camden joins the family in the kitchen, eager to begin the witch hunt. He’s playing his own private game of Clue as he suspiciously eyes all of his children. Has Happy been outside today? No. Mary’s eyes are red from allergies (she claims). But she is not the one devouring cookies. Was it Lucy in the hall with the marijuana?

The reverend is certain that the culprit is eldest son Matt, but –like any good mother—his wife attempts to convince him to consider accusing all of their other children as well. Finally, they decide to let their kids invite friends over, so that they can interrogate them as well. In the meantime, the matriarch of the family stashes the joint in her dresser.

In a shocking twist, Lucy discovers the joint while borrowing clothes from her mother’s dresser. Of course, she assumes that her mother is a pothead. Meanwhile, the reverend Screen Shot 2014-09-29 at 9.29.29 PMgives all the kids a good talking too with some real facts about marijuana, such as junkies with “needles in their arms” all started off with someone giving them a joint at a party.

In another shocking twist, the reverend’s wife reveals that she smoked pot as a kid. It’s been decades, but he gives her the cold shoulder because she defied his expectations before he met her.

“How could you just drop a bomb on me like that and then serve eight people and a dog a meatloaf like nothing happened,” he asks her. At this point, you must be wondering, how this could escalate anymore. Well, let me tell you.

The reverend proceeds to ask everyone at the dinner if they think that Lucy’s new friend–who rides a moped and likes reggae music–uses drugs. Then, in an effort to figure out how other parents handle this looming drug issue, the reverend asks Mary’s boyfriend, Wilson, what his father would do if he suspected he was on drugs. Wilson replies that his father periodically drug tests him because he landrew_keegan_1261248331ost all trust in his son when he became a teen father at sixteen. So you know, if you happen to get your girlfriend pregnant in high school, you are probably also a drug user. And if you are incredibly responsible and care for your child even though you are still a teenager…you’re probably still using drugs. Also, can we just take a second and look at Wilson’s backstory? He is eighteen years old, widowed, and father of a two year-old. How did his teen wife die? Was it in childbirth? It would be in childbirth wouldn’t it…

“Some mistakes are like jumping out of a plane.” Wilson says, “Once you do it you can never take it back. It stays with you forever.” So just in case this was not clear to all of you– parenting a tiny human that needs your constant attention and support for the next eighteen years is just as significant as experimenting once with a non-addictive drug.

Finally, it’s time to drive the point home with one of the most terrible stories I have ever witnessed in a sitcom. Matt’s mom confront him directly (such a novel idea) and tells him that she is concerned because she used to smoke pot when she was a teen. She tells him that one of her friends drove home stoned and was killed because he did not stop in time for a red light. Don’t drive under the influence is always a good lesson, and she actually manages to redeem the plot by genuinely relating to her son—except that everything that surrounds this conversation is so ridiculous that it makes it hard to be affected by this heart to heart.

And I say that especially because of the next part, in which the reverend decides that it is best to tell everyone that he will drug test them in order to find out who the druggie is. He then proceeds to shame Matt into admitting in front of the entire family that he brought a joint home from school. This includes shocking eleven year-old Simon into believing that his brother is a total burnout and loser. So even though Matt never smoked the joint, he has been totally vilified—even accused of not being able to keep a job because of his (presumed) drug habit. But by the end of the episode, the only person who has ever done drugs in the Camden family is the mother…twenty-five years earlier…

Very Special Lesson: I just feel like there was a much more reasonable way to handle this. Like what just even happened right now.

Modern American Girl Looks

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Two posts in one day?! I know it’s nuts. What’s the reason for this double-header you might ask? Well, I want to try this “write for ten minutes only” thing and see how far I get. So here I go!

First of all, I have been on a Polyvore binge for the past 24 hours. It’s so fun omg! I can’t afford all of these clothes, but I can throw together some outfits for free! Woo!

So today’s inspiration is the original 5 American Girl Dolls, a.k.a best dolls of the 90’s. I know maybe the “original” dolls depend on when you grew up or whatever, but my version of the American Girl Dolls is clearly the correct version. [Insert self-centered Millennial joke here]. Oh well, what do I care? I’m too busy shouldering the burden of an advanced degree and a slowly (ever so slowly) recovering economy, so I hereby name myself the ultimate authority of American Girl Doll history for the next five minutes on The Very Special Blog.

So the best part of these dolls is that they all come with a series of books. And each series has a lesson book. As you may know, we sure do love to learn lessons on this blog!

Very Special Lesson: It’s hard to chose between your dad, who is a patriot,and your bff, who is a loyalist, especially when you’re in school to learn how to properly serve tea!
Very Special Lesson: Sometimes Pioneers had to keep secret friendships with indigenous tribes. Also, it’s hard to go to school in the U.S. when you only speak Swedish.
Very Special Lesson: You’ve just escaped slavery! Now you have to decide who your true friends are: The girl who just wants to hang out, or the rich popular girl who makes you feel cool. Come on, Addy, you know the right choice here.
Very Special Lesson: Income inequality sucks, especially when it means your servant girl is illiterate. Also, child labor is not a great idea.
Very Special Lesson: Spies are cool for WWII, but it is not cool to be a spy if you are trying to cheat on your school project.

Jem and the Holograms: Roxy Rumbles

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JemBefore there was Hannah Montana there was Jem and the Holograms. Jem was a cool glam rock version of Barbie, but she also happened to be totally normal person when she wasn’t in her glam rock makeup. Jem is also pretty interesting in that it has music videos intermingled with the plotline.

It is always surprising to me when cartoons have very special problems. I mean these are two dimensional creatures who live in a world where no matter what happens to them they can look as good as new in the next frame. But they do have problems, you see. Sometimes cartoons can’t read and it really messes up their daily lives.

What’s a show about girl rock bands without a little gang rivalry, right? The Holograms rival gang The Misfits happens to have an illiterate band member, Roxy. They all make fun of her and call her an idiot. She finally has enough of their harassment, so she quits the band and moves back home. When Roxy gets home, Jem and the Holograms are coincidentally there for a charity event to raise money for literacy programs.

misfits

Oh by the way, did I mention that Roxy wins the lottery before she moves back home? Yes, well she does win the lottery and she almost does not know it because she cannot read the numbers. This lottery money gives Roxy tons of money in which to one up Jem’s event with a big carnival. Turns out, Roxy loses all of her money, since she signed a contract that she could not read. Jem helps her pay everyone back even though Roxy has been a total jerk to her all the time.

Roxy basically never cared about reading because she always had material things. Like why on earth would she need to read if she had tons of lycra-spandex and hair spray already at her fingertips?roxy

This episode, which is supposedly about raising literacy rates, concludes with a song called “Open a Book.” The entire music video is full people picking up random things that you can read, like a cereal box or a job application. But I feel like Jem’s viewership was always mostly kids. And while they may not have been able to read, I don’t think they would have gotten the context of the help wanted sign in a store window or scribbling on a job application. To me this is just a big montage of boring words that did not make reading look fun at all. Open a book…okay..what book? I could open the dictionary and that would be a pretty disappointing book. If this is all people were throwing at Roxy then it’s no wonder she procrastinated on her abc’s. Sure that stuff is crucial to being self-sufficient and all, but she was a rock star you guys!

Very Special Lesson: You don’t need to learn how to read until you start losing money.