Growing Pains vs. Saved by the Bell

August 25, 2014August 20, 2014 ~ theveryspecialblog ~ 2 Comments

In the first round of the VSE: Hawaiian Style competition we have Growing Pains vs. Saved by the Bell. Let’s start with a brief summary of both episodes shall we? In Growing Pains, the Seavers head to Malibu for a vacation that nobody but Jason, the father, and youngest son Ben are interested in. Maggie and the two oldest children are way too busy with their lives in Long Island to be interested in Hawaii. The entire episode is basically about how they can’t deal with interacting as a family, and also Mike ends up dating a woman with a two year old child even though he’s like seventeen. They make a point of saying that she “got married early” and Jason counsels Mike on taking more responsibility in his life, which he does by babysitting her kid while she works as a hula dancer.

There’s a lot going on in Saved by the Bell. I’ll try to make this as succinct as possible. The gang has to save Kelly’s grandfather’s hotel from a corrupt competitor, Zack also falls head over heels for a Hawaiian with a child (t saved by the bell hawaiian style his one is 6 though and he’s only 10 years older than the kid so woah like wtf Saved by the Bell), and Screech is kidnapped by a local tribe and appointed their chief. If you did not find “Running Zack” to be offensive enough to indigenous people then perhaps this is the episode for you. Also, the corrupt competitor’s lawyer flirts with Kelly and tricks her into getting her grandfather to almost sell the land, so that’s also sketch on multiple levels. Lisa, Slater, and Jessie have a boring bet about whether or not Jessie and Slater can keep from fighting for the duration of the trip, which of course they cannot.

Each episode features a special song. Growing Pains uses Christopher Cross’s “Swept Away” for at least three montages and it begins to outlive its usefulness as a plot tool. Here’s the end montage from the episode:

Saved by the Bell definitely wins on the featured song front because it uses “Summertime” by DJ Jazzy Jeff & The Fresh Prince in place of the usual opening credits.

While Saved by the Bell wins on the music front, I’m a sucker for the Seavers and I have to say that the Growing Pains episode warms my heart way more. Plus, Saved by the Bell is really not performing up to par here. Yes, I have high standards for a Saturday morning TV show, and yes, I will hold that show to those high standards in my role as Judge Supreme in the competition for this entirely fabricated yet very important award. Plus, I like the family togetherness. And even though Maggie stupidly quits her job in order to return to the vacation, I do like the idea that she’s making an effort to get her priorities straight. Luckily, Jason is a psychiatrist who makes tons of money on writing prescriptions for twenty minute visits with clients, so I think they can handle her being unemployed for a little bit.

Even though I love the Growing Pains plot, I am not digging their matching Hawaiian shirts and thus, unsurprisingly, Saved by the Bell gets the point for fashion. However, Saved by the Bell has once again succeeded in achieving a culturally insensitive plot line with the whole Screech-is-chief thing. Almost by default, I have to give Growing Pains the point for successful integration of the Hawaiian setting. After all, that luau looked pretty nice and actual Hawaiians were performing instead of Jessie, Kelly, and Lisa.

Point Break Down:

Saved by the Bell: Music (1 pt) + Vacation Attire (1 pt) = 2 pts

Growing Pains: Overall Plot (2 pts) + Integration of Hawaiian Setting (1 pt) = 3 pts

Very Special Winner: Growing Pains

Sorry, Saved by the Bell, you were uncharacteristically creepy and I think we can all tell form this set of episodes that Tiffani Theissen and Elizabeth Berkley were about to ditch you.

The Very Special Episode: Hawaiian Style.

August 22, 2014August 22, 2014 ~ theveryspecialblog ~ 2 Comments

Hello Very Special Readers!

Summer is winding down. (Well, technically I guess we have another month before it’s scientifically over, but Labor Day looms just a mere nine days away.) In order to celebrate the end of the season, I’m engaging in the ultimate very special sitcom analysis. The Very Special Episode: Hawaiian Style.

Take a look at the full bracket here and don’t make fun of my slanty lines:

Here’s a pdf if you want to fill out your own bracket because obviously this is way more important than March Madness, and I expect all of you to start office pools: VSE-Hawaiian Style

All episodes will be graded on a 5 point scale and the winning episode will have the higher score based upon which categories it wins:
Overall Plot–2 points
Music–1 point
Vacation Attire–1 point
Integration of Hawaiian Setting–1 point

Here is a list of the full episode titles (as you can see the writers were not too creative with these episode titles):

Growing Pains: Aloha
Saved by the Bell: Hawaiian Style
Step by Step: Aloha
The Brady Bunch: Hawaii Bound
Full House: Tanner’s Island
Boy Meets World: The Honeymooners

Stay tuned this Monday for the first showdown Growing Pains vs. Saved by the Bell!

3 Reasons Why I Will Never Post About Jesse Spano

August 6, 2014August 6, 2014 ~ theveryspecialblog ~ 1 Comment

We’ve been together for several weeks now on The Very Special Blog, during which time you have probably noticed that I love Saved by the Bell. Perhaps, you have picked up on the fact that I scour all of the episode listings in order to find any episode that even kind of fits my interpretation of the “very special episode” so that I can share my love of said episode with you on the internet. I find that watching Saved by the Bell is my sitcom equivalent of going to Walt Disney World and thus I will find any excuse to make it happen as frequently as possible without ruining the magic that is this blissful nostalgia bond.

That being said, I’d like to go ahead and address the elephant in the room. I know you’ve probably all be wondering when I will post about the infamous “Jesse’s Song” a.k.a I’m So Excited: The Caffeine Pill Addiction. Well, the truth is I won’t be posting about it. And here are some reasons why:

I think we all need to give Jesse a break.
Sure we all know that as far as addictions go, caffeine pills are the most tame by far. But of all the Saved by the Bell characters, Jesse was totally the most likely to become an addict. I think she was the only character that ever felt any kind of actual pressure in life. I mean sure they all went through “rough times” but Jesse was trying really hard to make good grade, do 700 extracurricular activities, and overcome the patriarchy. That’s a lot of work for any seventeen year old, especially one with a type-A personality. As far as I’m concerned, we should all be grateful that Jesse got her hands on some caffeine pills and not amphetamines like Liv Tyler in Empire Records.
Liv was having a hard time in that movie.
I too am a caffeine addict.
I don’t think I’m in any kind of position to judge Jesse Spano. There have been multiple occasions where I’ve thought to myself, “Maybe I should give caffeine pills a try.” Look, I see that Jesse Spano clearly used them to excess, but I work long hours and I don’t get a ton of breaks, so I have to wonder if the occasional pill might be a little convenient for when I can’t get my hands immediately on a cup off coffee. Personally, I’m still waiting for the day where they invent an IV drip for caffeine, but I understand that is not really a priority in the medical profession. But long story short, I love coffee. I love the taste, I love the smell, and I love the eye popping affect it has when I’m falling asleep at my desk. I simply cannot judge her for hammering back the caffeine.
On all of those Buzzfeed quizzes where they tell you to pick your favorite drug and all of the options are like smoking weed, drinking alcohol, or doing coke… I seriously consider picking the cocaine option because it is the most chemically similar to coffee. And then I think to myself, “My God, what is wrong with me?!” Luckily, they usually tuck a steaming latte picture somewhere in the bottom corner of the quiz options, so I’m always able to save my dignity at the last minute. (Kids, it’s NOT really that similar. Little changes in chemical properties make a big difference in the real world and no one should become a cocaine addict because they’re sleepy.)

There’s nothing left to say.
I don’t feel that I have anything interesting to add to the I’m so excited discussion. In the years since the episode aired it has become one of the most talked about and most parodied very special episodes of all time. My personal favorites are Bayside! The Musical! and that time Elizabeth Berkley herself recreated the scene on Dancing with the Stars.
The ladies of Bayside! The Musical!

If you were not wondering why I haven’t posted about Jesse’s caffeine pill addiction and subsequently are wondering why I am writing this post about not writing a different post, then I hope you enjoyed the list either way.

Saved by the Bell: Running Zack

August 4, 2014April 7, 2015 ~ theveryspecialblog ~ 10 Comments

When I was looking for this episode of Saved by the Bell, I totally missed it at first on Netflix. I thought with this kind of title it must have be about an athletic event and could not possible have anything to do with Native Americans. They wouldn’t use such an insensitive title for a very special episode, right? Well, I was wrong.

So you are in for a real treat with this one.

As it turns out, this episode does involve a track meet, but this only bookends the story. Also, the entire gang is on the track team except for Kelly who is a cheerleader (for track and field?) and Screech. I guess they left Screech out of the sport because he is a nerd, but he looks way more like the track kids I knew in high school than anyone else on this show does.

Anyhow, the crux of the episode is that the gang has to do a history report on their ancestors. Slater’s ancestors were bullfighters, Screech’s ancestors were Italian spies, and I seriously feel like they did not mention Kelly’s ancestors at all. Perhaps, they were cheerleaders at the Circus Maximus. Lisa’s ancestors escaped slavery and helped others to do the same through the Underground Railroad. Lisa says, “My family calls this underground railroad the original soul train.” Lark Voorhies breaks for a second and scoffs at this line because what writer ever decided to compare escaping slavery to a dance show? Seriously.

In this episode, Jesse has a lot of white guilt because her ancestors were slave traders. To make matters worse she has to present immediately after Lisa and right next to her poster of the Underground Railroad. I know you might want to give Jesse some credit for being aware of her white privilege, but that is not even the case here. She basically spends the entire day harassing Lisa because she feels bad and wants Lisa to make her feel better by letting her do random things for her. Lisa eventually threatens to beat her up if she does not leave her alone, and seriously no one could blame her if this thing came to blows. It’s like all of the energy Jesse usually devotes to flirtatiously calling Slater a misogynist is suddenly devoted to bribing Lisa and it is super annoying. Then it is Zack’s turn to present about his Native American forefathers. Screech helps him present by “being” a Native American prop, I think…

Luckily, his teacher calls him out on being a total jerk. He obviously knows nothing about history—he says his family is Cherokee from Burbank—so perhaps she should also be pissed at her own lack of efficacy. His teacher conveniently knows a chief, who educates Zack on his ancestors. On their second meeting he greets him as “Running Zack.” He says, “You run, you’re Zack, it works.” Then he offers this valuable lesson in cliches and offensive statements about why the “Indians” and the “white man” have such a gruesome history:

Zack finally gets his A when he comes to class in full stereotypical Native American garb. Poor Mark-Paul Gosselaar. What sixteen year old wants to dress up as a stereotype of a culture to which he has no actual relation? And as a job requirement? The worst part of all of this is that I truly feel like Saved by the Bell‘s heart was in the right place. They set Zack up with this whole it’s bad to stereotype, it’s important to know where you come from, and we need to respect other cultures plot-line. But then the writers/producers/tween Saturday morning audience either had or expected so little actual knowledge of history and culture that this episode ends up confronting one cliche with another cliche.

But then, things really get heavy when Chief Henry dies. There are only six minutes left in the episode! How are we going to wrap this up? Oh, of course, a dream sequence. And what do you suppose happens in said dream sequence? Chief Henry gives Zack a message on a handmade headband: Beat Valley. [In the track meet, you guys. Maybe you already figured that out, but I wanted to clarify just in case I skipped over the track meet part of this episode a little too much.]

Very Special Lesson: Sometimes Very Special Episodes are just so misguided, you guys.

The Weirdest Outfits of the ’90’s (A Very Special Review)

July 8, 2014August 22, 2014 ~ theveryspecialblog ~ 8 Comments

If you read this blog, you probably know by now that there’s nothing I love more than a little snark and Saved by the Bell.

I am especially excited for this episode, “Rockumentary,” because it’s a mockumentary and because it has Casey Kasem (may he rest in peace) narrating. It might not be a “very special” life lesson, but it’s a special episode nonetheless. How often does Casey Kasem narrate Saved by the Bell, you guys? And I wouldn’t be surprised if we learned a thing or two about friendship along the way.

The documentary opens with Casey Kasem chatting with Zack Morris about the “Friends Forever Tour” that Zack Attack is kicking off with a big arena concert.

Zack Attack is:

Lead Singer—Kelly Kapowski

Lead Guitar—Zack Morris

Bass—Lisa Turtle

Keyboard—Screech Powers

Drums—A.C. Slater

(Noticeably absent is Jesse Spano. Apparently, Elizabeth Berkeley broke her knee and couldn’t perform. Ouch.)

It’s interesting that Kelly is the lead singer because everyone sings about the same amount except for Screech. They don’t let Screech sing. But some crazed fans do run up on stage and rip his clothes off. Ew.

Alright, alright, I know this is not an actual very special episode. I just wanted everyone to see Not Michael Jackson and Not Madonna give the Saved by the Bell cast a (not) Grammy.

Not Michael Not Madonna — Not Michael
Not Madonna

Below are a few important fashion moments that every millennial needs to bear witness too. These are our early ‘90’s roots and we have to accept them.

Screech’s Ms. Frizzle Solar System Tuxedo Jacket:

Kelly’s Selena Style and Zack’s puffy, puffy coat:

Kelly’s diaper spandex belted bike shorts:

These vinyl sleeves:

This phosphorescent green jacket that even New Kids on the Block wasn’t brave enough to rock:

Very Special Lesson: Don’t let your ego get too big or you’ll end up looking like Zack in that ugly green jacket.

***Note: All outfits worn by Lisa Turtle were omitted from the post because she was and will always be fabulous***

Saved by the Bell: Drinking and Driving

June 25, 2014July 1, 2014 ~ theveryspecialblog ~ 3 Comments

Saved-Bell — Just give these guys the keys to the mystery machine already!

When I was in elementary school, Saved by the Bell lied to me about high school. It was so G-rated that my mom was cool with letting me watch it. And miraculously (or by design?) I never saw the episodes with drinking, marijuana, or the infamous caffeine pill addiction until I was much older. By that point, it was clear to me that the idyllic high school picture Saved By the Bell promised for my future was an utter lie. But did I scorn the show and bitterly deride it? No, of course not. I love Bayside! Instead, I began to think of Saved by the Bell as a live action cartoon. These kids always felt more like the Scooby-Doo gang than actual teenagers, and that’s pretty much why I loved this show and continue to love it as an adult.

However, being a light-hearted live action cartoon show did not keep this show from throwing in a few very special episodes, including an important message about drunk driving. This is one of the weird Tori episodes, but it’s a very special episode so we can overlook the glaring absence of Jessie and Kelly, who apparently only hung out with their friends for half of senior year and only when Tori wasn’t around. Personally, I found Tori pretty abrasive, so I like to imagine that Jessie and Kelly were eating at a separate lunch table and wondering why their friends had temporarily lost their minds.

Meanwhile, in Tori-land, Lisa has been soliciting votes for homecoming queen while Zack and Slater work on planning the after party. It’s a toga party, of course, and Tori wears her leather jacket over her toga because she wants us all to know she’s too cool for this shit. Slater’s been calling the football players idiots all night, and not in the “I’m harassing you because we’re teammates kind of way” but rather in the “I think you’re actually really stupid, so I’m going to talk about you behind your back to my real friends” kind of way. Slater clearly thinks all of these guys are lame, so it’s surprising when they easily peer pressure him into drinking beer. Slater then peer pressures Zack while Lisa looks on. Since the rest of the Scooby-Doo gang is doing it, Lisa accepts a glass of beer which one of her “loyal subjects” serves on a silver tray.

Tori may be the resident rebel but she does not under any circumstances drink, so she goes home. Screech, who also has not been drinking, offers to drive everyone home but they all decide it’s a better idea to drive drunk than let Screech drive the car. Screech is a major creep, so I can understand their reluctance to put him in charge but this is a stupid decision nonetheless.

Ah, the dramatic irony that is the very special episode. Zack drives everyone home to the tune of Wild Thing because that’s what cartoon character high schoolers listen to when they’re breaking the rules. Zack crashes the car, duh. And Tori comes to the rescue with by paying for a tow truck because she feels guilty about leaving them alone at the party. Ugh seriously, Tori you couldn’t even offer them a ride home? This is what I’m talking about. This shit is exactly why Jessie and Kelly can’t stand you.

Come on, Preppy, all of the 25 year-old actors playing our classmates are doing it.

By the way, did I mention that the car is Lisa’s parents’ Mercedes? Lisa’s parents are out-of-town, so they have the car towed to Zack’s house. I do not understand this part of the plan. Wouldn’t you want to take the car to a place with no parental supervision? This feels like a rookie mistake. I truly expect better form Zack Morris, but they say alcohol makes you dumb and this is some pretty dumb stuff indeed. Luckily for the gang, Zack’s dad doesn’t question anything even though everyone is wearing a toga and it’s the middle of the night. The next day everyone is hung over. They’re also at school, so this was apparently a weeknight party? But the worst part for everyone seems not to be oh—that they could have easily died while driving buzzed down the road—but that they feel sooooo guilty for lying about it. And also A.C. Slater can’t play in the homecoming game because he broke his arm in the accident. He’s managed to completely repair, buff, and wax the car, but throwing a football would be too much for his injury. But the car won’t start and Zack’s dad comes out as they’re trying to explain and all of the lies pile up until they have to come clean! The guilt is too much!

Very Special Lesson: The lies you tell to cover up drunk driving are more painful than the actual drunk driving—wait…that can’t be right.

Okay, I think I have it this time:

Very Special Lesson: Tori sucks. I think it is safe to say that this never would have happened without Tori. I know, I know, you’re like “But aren’t you being a little unfair to Tori? She didn’t even drink!” Listen, if it weren’t for Tori being a totally insufferable addition to the friend group, Kelly and Jesse would have been at that party and Jesse Spano would NEVER let her friends experiment with alcohol and other drugs after what she learned from her own addiction.