A Few Words on Alan Thicke

I hate to post on celebrity deaths. It feels like capitalizing on a terrible, personal experience that should be left sacred to friends and loved ones. But I have to say something about Alan Thicke. It must be plain to see from this blog’s existence that I grew up watching reruns. Growing Pains, while frequently lampooned on this website, was nearest and dearest to my heart.

In some ways, the Seaver children’s lifestyle mirrored my own. I grew up in an upper-middle class home with two professional parents. I even had one parent, who like Alan Thicke’s Dr. Seaver, worked from a home office as a mental health services professional. It could be for this reason alone that Alan Thicke is so close to my heart, but my appreciation does not stop there.

I’ve watched a lot of television family sitcoms over the years and, in my mind, Alan Thicke accomplished what no other TV actor of the 80’s sitcom golden era had successfully been able to do. He gave us a character who was wholly comedically funny and was also a good dad. Think of all the great TV dad’s, Ward Cleaver, Mike Brady, Steven Keaton, or maybe even Danny Tanner if we are feeling particularly generous.

Now how many of those guys cracked good jokes where the timing was just right and the writing wasn’t too smarmy? How many of those guys would you want to have a cup of coffee with? How many of those guys would you trust to be in a Robin Sparkles video? And how many of those guys did ALL of those things while being genuinely good parents to their TV kids (while also still seeming like a human being)?

In a blog full of jokes, I’ll put all joking aside and say Alan Thicke is my gold standard for modern TV sitcom dads. Maybe Growing Pains can’t be considered “modern” anymore, but I’m still holding all TV dads to this standard. Alan Thicke’s Jason Seaver felt like Andy Griffith’s Andy Taylor with a Ph.D. I can laugh at sitcoms even when they’re not trying to be funny because they usually get human nature so wrong. But Alan Thick got it right.

Also, “They said they didn’t go to the bathroom and they don’t want to,” will always be a funny line.

Goodnight.

BREAKING NEWS: The Return of Girl Talk!

First of all, this isn’t actually breaking news to anyone who has been following Fuller House. But as you well know, I got burned badly by the first season and I’ve been bitterly avoiding the reboot ever since.

But curiosity got the best of me and I decided to watch the trailer for the second season. I rolled my eyes A LOT. Even more than usual.

The schmaltz factor is high: The New Radicals’s “You Get What You Give” plays over a montage of “feel-good” moments highlighting the show’s “exciting” new season while harkening back to its nostalgic roots–even though Full House was several season over by the time the trailer’s featured song charted, but I digress.

There it was roughly 1 minute 43 seconds and 6.5 eye-rolls in, shining like a beacon of hope to my one major and well-documented request for this reboot: Girl Talk. It looks like we’ll be hearing “The Sign” again soon, Very Special Readers. Maybe they’ll even finish the song this time.

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It looks like DJ has joined the group as drummer with Kimmy and Steph as the only original band members. While I’m sad that it doesn’t look like Gia will be reprising her role, I guess they had to let Kimmy’s kid have something to do on the show.

I do NOT want to get my hopes up…but I’m kind of looking forward to this episode…

Fuller House Season Two, SMH

Ugh, okay America. Somehow you loved Fuller House enough to warrant a Season 2. Apparently, I missed the memo. Somehow, this show was a hit. While I pride myself on an in-depth knowledge of nostalgia, even I will never understand this. But I do have some notes. I’m sure Season 2 is in the can (it premieres December 10th if you’re so inclined), but here’s what I’m thinking would help:

      1. Let Jodi Sweetin dance. Just Jodi Sweetin. Not you other people who can’t really dance but somehow decided that appropriating Indian culture was a great way to give it a shot. Like PLEASE drop the stupid DJ storyline and just let her be a dancer.
      2. Bring back “Feedback”. You made us listen to “Jesse and the Rippers” saccharine single “Forever.” But I’d actually rather hear “Shout” any day of the week. Also, you can totally skip bringing back Scott Baio. Just recast him like you did Nelson.
      3. Leave the Olsen Twins alone. Those awkward jokes about their absences were some of the most painful moments in an already painful show.
      4. Get rid of Steve because you turned him into a creepy obsessive person. Also, the new guy is way cuter.
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      5. Involve the original cast of older actors as much as possible even though they are probably busy with other projects. Seriously, if this means a lot of Dave Coulier, I’m actually okay with that. The older actors are the biggest talents on that show. It’s not that the younger actors are bad, but I don’t feel like they are doing a good job of carrying this on their own. They do also have horrible, horrible scripts to work with even by Full House standards, so who knows.
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      6. Make Kimmy Gibbler the lead and give her all of the plotlines. Like I seriously do not care who DJ Tanner-Fuller is dating. I’m so bored. I’d rather just watch the lady who is cool enough to own a bacon and eggs scarf. Also, this is a great opportunity to bring back “Girl Talk,” which OBVIOUSLY would be more interesting than anything they produced last season.
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But clearly we’ve established that I’m in the minority of thinking this show is crap. You do you, America. I just don’t get it.

My Wish List for Lisa Frank

So I don’t know if you heard on the internet today but Lisa Frank, patron saint of my elementary school folders, announced that she’s releasing a coloring book for grown-ups. I’ve heard that adults are now coloring for “relaxation” and doing more “advanced” stuff with lots of tiny spaces and lines or whatever. But honestly, I’ve not been too excited about it because I’ve got a My Little Pony coloring book right now. I also have a 64 pack of crayons with the sharpener in the back. So clearly I don’t really need the “grown-up” version of coloring to enjoy coloring. Also, all those little lines kind of hurt my eyes.

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But I’m pumped about Lisa coming back onto the scene because there are a few other items that I need in my life. And I’m hoping this is just the beginning. I’m a big believer in putting things out into the universe, so I’m just going to leave this here. Very publicly. On the internet. Hey, Lisa (or PR person) as you Google yourself (your employer) I have a few suggestions as you scale up your modernized brand.

Sticker Book for Adults – I’m thinking this would encompass a whole scratch and sniff line. Like the unicorn pooping a rainbow of cash and it smells like a vanilla cupcake with sprinkles.

Fold & Mail Stationary – Actually, if this is something I could color then that would be ideal. Bonus points if this comes with a stamp set.

Earrings- I think I read somewhere that Lisa actually got her start making funky jewelry, but don’t quote me on that because I’m not feeling like doing my due diligence and Googling this right now. Anyway, I’d really dig some Lisa Frank costume jewelry (nickle-free of course).

Desk Set – I had to settle for a Poppin desk set, which is cool and all, but what I’d really like is a Lisa Frank Polar Bear desk set.

Well, I feel like I just wrote a letter to Santa Claus. But my Santa Claus is a middle-aged woman from Arizona.

European Vacation: Blossom vs. Family Matters

Oh my gosh, Blossom actually spends 4 whole episodes in Paris! What have I committed myself to??

mayim-bialik-1024Blossom: Blossom goes to Paris to find her mother, who is a singer in a night club. Her mom thinks it’s just a visit, but Blossom pretty much plans to live there permanently. Her brothers want an inexpensive trip to Paris, so they decide to become couriers. They accept a job at a sketch office and both carry one package together to Paris. They’ve unknowingly accepted a job from the mob and even their dad isn’t skeptical of this arrangement. Meanwhile, Six tries to find an interim best-friend while Blossom is away. OMG BRITTANY  MURHPY IS IN THIS EPISODE. But only for 3 seconds. She’s one of Six’s potential friends.
Blossom’s mom bails on her for dinner, much like she bailed on their family, and Blossom befriends/romances the waiter. Meanwhile, Vinnie plans to fly to Paris to ask Blossom to marry him, even though they are like 16. Her life is so dramatic.
After a freaking eternity, Joey and Tony grow suspicious and decide to look at what’s in the package they’re carrying. Just as they open-it, they see a mobster (who they recognize from their flight over) staring them down. They he chases them all across Paris. But they’re literally running the whole time, so this seems like a cheap attempt at “integration of European setting” to me.
Blossom and the waiter start making out and then Vinnie just happens to bump into them right at that moment. Then some other stuff happens. Vinnie appears to be trying to make Blossom jealous with some French chick whiles some adult contemporary music plays. This song is performed by “The Party,” who I am pretty sure were the band in the Disneyland episode.
Vinnie gets in touch with his anger about his mom abandoning the family. They run from the mob some more. But it turns out that the “mobster” following them is Bolivian secret service agent, whereas some random lady was the black market contact that they were supposed to deliver the package to.
Six’s mom and Blossom’s dad consider dating. Geez, there is SO much more than a European vacation packed into this crap. They make-out.
Vinnie and Blossom get back together, of course. Blossom tells her mom that she can’t live with her because they would end up hating each other. Blossom leaves and her two brothers show up. They ask their mom to come home with them and she says no.
Blossom tells her dad that he’s the kind of parent she needs. But somehow, even with all of that plot, Blossom managed to be boring as hell.

tt0096579_s8_e1Family Matters
: Steve accidentally sends Carl to his pen-pal, Nicole, in Paris. (Well, Carl accidentally stood on Steve’s Urk-Pad, a teleportation device.) But Nicole sends him back safe and sound. Carl had such a good time that he decides to go back with Harriet and Eddie. Steve decides to visit Nicole at the same time that the Winslows take their trip. Also, Laura and Stefon go to Paris on one super-long date.
On their first day in Paris, Eddie nearly destroys a cafe. So he has to work there for two weeks in order to avoid going to prison. Also, Stefon becomes a model. And then he and Steve agree to star in a commercial together. Nicole tries to seduce Steve, but Steve is loyal to Myra. This is so bizarre because Myra is kind of awful and Nicole seems cool, but to each his own. But it turns out Nicole only likes him for his Urk-Pad.
Then Stefon and Laura are in a fashion show and her dad does the Arsenio dog pound cheer from the front row. Stefon is such a hit that he has an offer to live in Paris and become a supermodel.

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Just look at how well the coordinated that vacation attire! With the set even!
Oh and I almost forgot, Nicole and some jerk have kidnapped Steve at gunpoint because they want to steal his Urk-Pad. Only, his kidnappers are afraid to try the Urk-Pad. So they make Steve demonstrate it. Right after Steve steps on the Urk-Pad, the idiot man who kidnapped him realize that he’s getting away, so he grabs on to him and they end up in Carl and Harriet’s hotel room.Then some kind of musical Urk-Pad hopping occurs, and they all end up back in the theater where Steve was being held hostage. The Winslows and Steve fight off his captors.
Laura tells Stefon she wants him to come back to Chicago with her, but urges him to stay in Paris to see what he can make of his career.
The kidnappers chase Steve up the eiffel tower. The kidnapper-man hangs Steve over the side of the eiffel tower to make him tell him how the Urk-Pad works. Then he actually does push Steve off the eiffel tower, but Carl turns on the Urk-Pad on the ground below, which sends Steve back to Chicago instead of splattered on the sidewalk.

Scoring Breakdown:

Blossom: Music + Bonus Point for Brittany Murphy = 2 points
Family Matters: Vacation Attire + Overall Plot + Integration of European Setting = 4 points

Next Week on The Very Special BlogGrowing Pains vs. Taxi

Brotherly Love: Uptown Girl

mv5bntu2n2y2owqtnzk4yy00m2yzltk2yzktowe4ngzizgfinjhjxkeyxkfqcgdeqxvymti2otm0nzq-_v1_Okay, I’m doing a little “switcheroo” here and so “U” is for “Uptown Girl” in this case.

Also, nothing very special happens in this episode. I’m just cheating because U is a hard letter and because I think 1995 was one of the best years for Joey Lawrence’s hair.

Also, Terry Bradshaw is randomly in this show. He speaks to Andy’s class for some reason. He also has an acting credit from Blossom, so I like to imagine that Joey Lawrence was like hey we gotta get Terry Bradshaw on my new show!

So in this episode Joey dates a rich girl. An “Uptown Girl,” if you will. Joe’s stepmother used to babysit her and even dated her older brother.

Joe gets so caught up in living life in the fast line that he neglects his family. (He doesn’t help Andy with his science project like he promised!)

The rich girl wants Joe to spend all of his time jet-setting with her. Then she forgets who she is talking to and says that Joe’s stepmom could have just married her brother instead of marrying “some loser.” Uh, that loser is Joe’s dad you idiot. She then he realizes she’s a snob. The end.

P.S. Terry Bradshaw ended up helping Andy with his science project.

Very Special Lesson: Being accountable to your family is more important than dating a rich lady.

The Nanny: Imaginary Friend

tumblr_inline_o41ow2ppun1ttj2hz_500Grace has an imaginary friend. She’s six, but Fran’s not too worried about it and figures they can gradually ween her off her non-existent friend Imogene. She thinks with a little fun and positive real-life interactions, Grace won’t need Imogene anymore. But then Fran accidentally eats her imaginary friend (who it turns out is only one inch tall). Thankfully for modern imaginary insurance, Fran and Maxwell are almost able to revive her. But sadly, it’s too late for poor, tiny Imogene.

So there’s only one thing left to do: hold a funeral for Imogene.

Maxwell gives the eulogy and Maggie plays a very clunky version of Heart & Soul on the piano. Grace buries Imogene in a pair of Fran’s shoes. And Maxwell calls her therapist because omg what will they do now that they’ve killed her best friend???

Well, it turns out that Grace committed imaginary amicicide because she doesn’t need her imaginary friend now that her nanny is her friend. Aw, how sweet, but I feel like this kid really needs some friends her own age. Either way, I guess actual human friends are a step in the right direction.

Very Special Lesson: Play groups. They’re important.

Dragnet: The LSD Story

Oh, where do I even start with this? How about the facts?

  1. Joe Friday and Bill Gannon are out to stop a “a powerful new drug” that causes “weird and dangerous hallucinations” from ruining the youth of Los Angeles.
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  2. They get a report of about a teenager “painted up like an Indian” [sic] and “chewing the bark off a tree.” !! CHEWING THE BARK OFF A TREE. Now you might be getting the mental image of someone eating bark. That’s not what’s happening. This dude is chewing on a tree. Like taking a big bite out of an Oak.

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    Mmmm smells like enlightenment
  3. Friday and Gannon find the bark chewer, also known as “Blue Boy,” with his head buried in some dirt. In his pocket, they find some sugar cubes. Bill Gannon holds them in his sweaty hand for so long (in multiple scenes) that I’m kind of surprised he’s not tripping too.
  4. Today I learned that LSD can be found not only in liquid form, but also in powder form. Dragnet: an educational tool.
  5. “In every case so far, everyone of the individuals has had a psychological dependence on it,” according to the Dragnet medical examiner on the addictive nature of LSD.
  6. They call Blue Boy’s parents in to the station and they don’t really care: “You act like he was taking heroin or smoking marijuana,” his dad says before threatening legal action and throwing his money around.
  7. But this is 1967 and so Friday and Gannon hold Blue Boy on “section 601 of the welfare and institution code: in danger of leading an idle, dissolute, or immoral life.”
  8. Louisa from The Sound of Music buys LSD from Blue Boy and she seems totally fine to talk to the police except that she pukes and can’t read (the words are “swimmy”). But actually, if the guy from my intro to Social Work class who spent a large amount of a Saturday evening puking in the dorm kitchen back in 2009 is any anecdotal evidence, then this nausea thing is the real deal.
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    Before LSD

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    After LSD
  9. “Three bucks a cap. When it drops to 50 cents, the kids at grammar school will have a big time at recess, won’t they?” Hm, somehow I don’t see that ever being a thing of concern but all of the Dragnet cops nodded gravely when Bill Gannon made this announcement.
  10. While trying to track down Blue Boy, Friday and Gannon end up at an Acid Party in a run down house in the Hollywood Hills. There’s one lady climbing the walls and one dude eating paint. And one woman who actually just seems pissed off and not high at all, but apparently she’s also on acid. I watched this episode with my mom and found it gravely concerning that this man was most likely eating lead-based paint. She said something like, “people didn’t worry about things like that but people on acid sure did eat some weird stuff.” But I watched a lot of Bob Vila with my dad growing up, and I know that pre-1980 paint is a big no-no.
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  11. Blue Boy dies at the end of this episode. So I think we’re supposed to associate LSD with death, which like okay fine. But he actually died of a barbiturate overdose. I’m pretty confident that they shared props with Valley of the Dolls on this one because I know I’ve seen those red no. 5 capsules before.
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    Very Special Lesson
    : Guys, seriously. Don’t eat paint, especially not paint that was manufacture before 1980.

3 Things We Learned from the new Fuller House Teaser

With little over a month to go before the big premiere, Netlfix is dropping a few more hints about what the Tanner Family has been up to over the past couple of decades.

-Stephanie has continued to follow her Uncle Jesse’s musical footsteps. Maybe. (You can see Danny carrying a box that says “Stephanie’s Music Fragile.” What kind of instruments fit in that little box and are fragile? Or are her compositions written on fragile parchment paper? Is she only recording on vinyl and wants to be sure no one drops the box? But I replayed this like 22 times and finally heard Jodie Sweetin say, “It’s my rare records.” So maybe she’s not a musician…or is she?)
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-Joey still has that dumb puppet. (Kimmy has a box labeled Mr. Woodchuck and Joey’s like all excited to bring out that godforsaken puppet. Why are they unpacking it? Is Mr. Woodchuck moving in with the Tanner girls & Kimmy? I hope not. Maybe they’re going through the attic while move in? I’m not going to watch Mr. Woodchuck, guys. I will NOT.)
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-Kimmy Gibbler has become a lot more normal. Throughout this entire promo she’s in normal-mom mode. And none of the Tanner-Katsopolis-Gladstone adults seem to mind her like they used to. Is Kimmy all good with the family now or are they just distracted by moving? Will everyone still think she’s annoying except for DJ?

I have so many questions! I don’t know if I can wait until February! I hope this is one of those things that they “accidentally” release early and that I happen to be on Netflix when that happens.