college admissions scandal

Stephanie and her friends are playing in her shared-room with DJ, who just happens to walk in while Stephanie is jumping on DJ’s bed and holding on to her Pillow Person. DJ reminds Stephanie she isn’t supposed to mess with her stuff and kicks her and her friends out of the room.

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But Stephanie comes back in and insists they discuss their Halloween costumes for the carnival only to find out that DJ is planning to bail on her promise to go to the carnival at Stephanie’s school and go to a junior high school party instead.

This explodes into a larger fight with each girl running to Danny and asking him to send the other’s friends home. Danny reacts by sending all of their friends home and confining them to their room without music, phone, or television (the entire 90’s trifecta) until they can “learn to get along.”

Meanwhile downstairs, Danny, Jesse, and Joey are engaged in a little friendly running competition. They decide to make things more interesting: the winners get to pick the Halloween costumes that the losers will have to wear to the carnival.

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After struggling to eat dinner while Stephanie annoys her relentlessly, DJ proposes that they simply fake a reconciliation so Danny will let them out of their room. The rouse works.

As soon as Danny leaves, Stephanie tells DJ she wants a divorce and she’ll be moving in with Michelle.

Stephanie and DJ move Stephanie’s bed into Michelle’s room. Uncle Jesse says it’s okay with him for the night, but he’ll have to check with Danny to see if it’s okay long-term. While Stephanie and Michelle head to bed, DJ rollerblades in the space where Stephanie’s bed used to be.

The next morning, Danny, Jesse, and Joey are preparing for their sprint race when Rebecca shows up with the film crew from Wake Up, San Francisco! Ugh. She is truly the WORST.

Danny begs Jesse and Joey to let him win so he’s not embarrassed on his own show. But they both refuse to throw the race. Joey has his heart set on making Danny dress up as Big Bird and Jesse as his imaginary friend Snuffleupagus.

According to Rebecca’s reporting, Danny is star athlete who despite being in his thirties and not training at all, has started his sprint fast enough to break the world record. But we know she’s not a reliable source for facts on innate athletic ability, so I would take that with a big old grain of salt.

After about 50 meters, the other guys catch up to Danny. And by the time they’ve made it 200 meters into their 400 meter race, they’re all moving at a slow crawl. Turns out none of them are in great shape. The momentarily agree to stage a tie, but this alliance quickly falls apart when Rebecca starts egging them on from the finish line.

Once again, flouting all rule and regulations in the wide world of sports, Rebecca determines the winner by snapping a photo — form the chest up. And declares Danny the winner because his nose crossed the finish line first. Apparently, feet don’t matter in a foot race.

When they return home, they find that Stephanie has realized living with a three year old is not ideal for getting a good night’s rest. She calls it “A nightmare on Sesame Street.” When DJ refuses to let Stephanie move back into their room, Stephanie threatens to take her to court.

In a strange show of parenting, the three men decide to hold a moot court with Joey acting as DJ’s lawyer and Jesse representing Stephanie. Danny will be the judge. This is such an upper-middle class white dad way of solving family problems…anyway…

To the court, DJ explains that she’s no shared interest with her little sister and needs more privacy than sharing a room with Stephanie will allow her. Jesse cross-examines DJ and nails her on the fact that she played Barbie dolls with Stephanie only a week ago!

When it’s Stephanie’s turn to take the stand, she says she cannot live with DJ because DJ just doesn’t like her anymore. DJ says she does like Stephanie, but she just doesn’t want to live with her. Danny tells them that Michelle is just too young to have Stephanie live with her. And then they all tell the girls how one day they’ll have more in common and love having each other as sisters.

Hold on — hold on — wasn’t this really all about DJ breaking a promise to Stephanie? Why have we not addressed that? The carnival is the root of this issue, people!!!!!

Well don’t worry because they actually do resolve this issue on their own. DJ asks Stephanie later on why she’s so upset about the fact that she’s not going to the carnival with her. Stephanie tells DJ how much she admires her and wants to spend time with her. DJ tells Stephanie how much she makes her laugh and that she likes spending time with her too. It turns out there’s a really great solution to all of this…DJ can go to the carnival first and then go to the party!

And what costumes did Danny pick for Jesse and Joey? He’s made them both dress up as Shirley Temple. On another note, I’m pretty sure I had a dress like the one they’re wearing in 1995.

11 'Full House' Episodes To Watch For Halloween

Very Special Halloween Lesson: This one seems pretty straight forward to me. Never ever let Lori Laughlin judge your costume-contest-400 meter race.

Oh I have many, many thoughts on the college admissions scandal. I could literally write 72 blog posts on this (but I’ll spare you). I think one of the ickiest vibes I have from all of this (aside from the blatant cheating and the continued marginalization of underprivileged teens and first-generation college students) is that all these chill, work-hard, down to earth celebs are LIARS who are just gonna came the system like every other stereotypical entitled rich white lady — ahem — I’m looking at you Aunt Becky.

But let me just real quick sum up my thoughts with a side by side comparison of two episodes of Full House that I’m sure you’ve already heard a lot about this past week. Like wtf how many of us get to literally role-play potential crimes and then are like “yeah sign me up for the cheating and the fraud, please.” Psychologists of the world, let me read your case studies.

Okay, bear with me as I now undertake the HERCULEAN task of reviewing two Full House episodes SIMULTANEOUSLY. (Lord, I don’t even know if I can handle it. Will I go into a diabetic coma from all of the saccharine schmaltz. Pray for me, Very Special Readers. Pray.) They are: “Be True to Your Pre-School” and “The Test.” I will not have time or patience for B-plots!

Screen Shot 2019-03-17 at 6.25.14 PM — First of all. I think this a wig. I no longer trust this woman to have real hair. Thoughts?

During a play date, Rebecca and Jesse realize that they’re behind on the preschool game. They haven’t been researching preschools, so they other parents tell them that there is a big risk their kids won’t be “on the fast track for life.” Okay, are we noticing some similarities to REAL LIFE yet, people??

The questions on the application are very difficult for two year-olds and include things like, “Evaluate the scope of your child’s verbal skills.” Joey recommends that Jesse lie on the application. (I hate Joey but I do feel that this is a little out of character). Basically, Jesse feels that he’s only helping his children out because if his parents had sent him to a good preschool then he probably wouldn’t be in night school trying to earn a high school diploma.

With Jesse’s lies, the boys make it to the next stage of admissions: THE INTERVIEW (cue ominous music). As they walk into the interview, he confesses to Becky that he embellished on the application “little bit,” which included claiming to be an ambassador.

Screen Shot 2019-03-17 at 6.41.40 PM — Evidently, this is how Jesse thinks an ambassador dresses.

Although, Becky goes along with the shenanigans at first. She comes clean pretty quickly in the interview and admits that her husband lied. The admissions person tells her that they figured that out when they read the portion of the applicant that referred to the boys as “proficient on the bassoon.” However they don’t care because: “it only shows you want whats best for your boys.” UGHHHH WTF I DISAGREE WITH THE PREMISE.

Anyway, Becky is yet again the voice of reason when she tells Jess (who is rigorously trying to cram some knowledge down the boys’ throats) that they’re not letting their kids “be kids” and he’s asking too much of them. Almost like you should let your children be guided by their natural abilities…hm…

“When they’re ready to go to preschool, we’ll find the right one and do everything we can to encourage,” she says. I guess this doesn’t apply to ASU. That must be an exception.

Now, let’s move on to “The Test.” In the opening of this episode Joey calls out Jesse for trying to reuse a stamp a.k.a. “trying to cheat the U.S. postal service.” WHAT ARE YOUR MORALS JOEY? Anyway, DJ is stressing because she has to take the SAT and she MUST do well so that she can go to Stanford.

When DJ says she is too stressed out to eat dinner, Danny coaches the family to tell DJ the whole SAT isn’t a huge deal and to not be so stressed. This doesn’t work and she has a stress dream in which Uncle Jesse steals an SAT answer booklet off of the proctor’s desk and proceeds to read the answers to her through a walkie-talkie hidden in a breakfast burrito.

screen-shot-2013-05-22-at-1-07-59-am

Joey overhears this and is very upset about the cheating. Once again, I would like to know what happened in Joey’s life between season six and season seven that caused him to go from cheating-instigator to cheating-police.

The next morning, DJ is so upset from her dream that she asks her dad, “Can you write me a note to get me out of college?” And her dad’s like no and apologizes for minimizing her stress, which actually only made her more stressed. And then he’s like just do your best cause he’s a normal dad and believes in his daughter.

I do believe I’m getting older though because this was the first time I watched an episode of Full House and realized that Bob Saget was kind of a DILF. So now I have to live with that knowledge.

I would also like to take this opportunity to say that standardized testing is some bullshit, patriarchal tool of the oligarchy and plenty of smart people are setup to fail on it. GOODBYE.