george clooney

I know, I know. You’re gonna hate me. I don’t post for months and months and then I give you TWO BACK TO BACK EPISODES OF THE FACTS OF LIFE.

index-gettyimages-140925807-1556724274 — Thank God, George has aged like a fine wine cause this mullet is not good.

First of all, let me introduce you to this episode with absolutely no context. (Yeah, I’m just being a jerk now).

So I’d like to go ahead and jump in here and say WHAT THE FUDGE IS GOING ON? Tootie is forlornly watching a pop star through a window and then Cloris Leachman just appears over her shoulder???

[And look, I don’t want this blog to turn into me shitting on Cloris Leachman. I think she’s a wonderful actress. I just don’t understand her role in this series and it feels like a big career misstep. She was on The Mary Tyler Moore Show for God’s sake! And I loved her as the grandmother in Now and Then).

But I digress, the reason I’ve called you all here today is I realized why George Clooney is in so few episodes of The Facts of Life. Or rather, why his character “George” is in so few episodes. (I imagine George Clooney the actor was like woah yikes the premise of this show doesn’t work anymore and I better get out of here as soon as I get literally any other decent opportunity.)

You see, here we are in the fifteenth episode of the season and George the Handyman leaves to become a roadie for pop singer, Stacey Q — who is playing the fictional character “Cinnamon.” She apparently played the same role in a previous episode where she won a role in a Broadway musical over Tootie. (Hence the forlorn look through the window, I believe.)

Anyway, Cinnamon is hanging out in Peekskill because she is afraid of going on her first national tour. She and George meet while they both work retail in the store that Cloris Leachman owns with Blair, Natalie, and Tootie.

Tootie is jealous that Cinnamon is running away from an opportunity that Tootie would kill to have, so she’s kind of a jerk to her until she finally apologizes live on the college radio station. Cinnamon and George overhear this in the studio because they have come to the station to tell Tootie that Cinnamon has decided to go on the tour with George as her roadie.

Tootie invites Cinnamon to sing on the air and Cinnamon is all reluctant to do so, but George conveniently has her backing track on-hand. So she sings We Connect:

And we never see George Clooney on The Facts of Life again.

I was watching a trailer for Lifetime’s College Admission’s scandal earlier today and wondered why the name Penelope Ann Miller was familiar to me. It’s probably not because she guest starred in this episode of The Facts of Life (I think as a character with a really cartoonish voice), but I decided to watch it anyway.

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First of all, I don’t understand the premise of this show in its final season. Why are these grown women living with Cloris Leachman? Why was anyone watching the episodes where George Clooney wasn’t present?

[No George sighting as of yet.]

Also, I would like to go on record here — there is no way that Jo and Blair weren’t closeted lesbians. I know Jo marries that man next season or whatever but the sexual tension between her and Blair is palpable. I know the writers want me to think that they’re frenemies, but that is NOT THE VIBE THEY ARE THROWING AND I WILL DIE ON THIS HILL.

141038851-e1487497321723 — Idk. They don’t seem that excited about it to me.

Anyhow, the major controversy of this episode appears to be that Tootie is rushing a sorority and Natalie wants to write a story about it for The Peekskill Press. Oh and she’s undercover so she’s wearing this insane and not at all low-key outfit and wig:

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The B-Plot of this episode is Jo convincing Blair to play field hockey. Blair getting injured. And then Jo helping her around constantly because they are in L-O-V-E. I’m not the only one who feels this way.

Obviously, Tootie can easily see through Natalie’s disguise. And they get into a big argument because they each feel that their goals are being undervalued in the relationship. (Once again, I think it may be a good time to point out that it is not always good to live with your best friend for twenty-seven years or however long it has been at this point unless you’re in a Golden Girls situation, which I wholeheartedly support).

Tootie wants Natalie to stop jeopardizing her chances of getting into this sorority by not-so-subtly writing an article on it in a poor disguise. And Natalie wants Tootie to support her first article in the newspaper–

Oh and I should point out that Natalie was not given this assignment. She got some weird vague opportunity to write “an article” for the newspaper and seemed to be able to pick whatever she wanted to write. This includes and idea she floated to the group (including Cloris Leachman’s young teenage son) called “Illicit Sex in Peekskill.” (Once again, I’d like to point out that these living arrangements feel really weird and rapidly leaning towards creepy. I’ve never been a big commune person but this is starting to feel like one and a bad one. I would advise Jo to run if anyone pulls out the kool aid packets because she’s the only character I feel at this point could function in society.)

fol1011 — We regret to inform you that George Clooney is still not in this episode.

Anyway, Blair convinces Tootie and Natalie to support one another in following their dreams or whatever. This involves Natalie writing her article and Blair proofing it (and Tootie not trying to stop her). However, when a sorority sister comes over to pick up Tootie (who has her own car) for the rush party (for entirely plot-contrived reasons), the sorority sister steals Natalie’s article. And this is 1987 SO THERE ARE NO DIGITAL BACKUPS. Natalie then heads over to the party and accuses Tootie of stealing the article.

While Natalie is at home re-writing her article, Tootie finds out that the sorority sister is a thief when she literally hands Tootie the article. And she’s all like “your sorority sisters are the most important things in your life now I STOLE THIS FOR YOU!!!” Please note, this is not an accurate quote and I fully made it up, but it is still 100% true to the spirit of the text.

Tootie decides not to pledge the sorority. Natalie admits her jealously about Tootie having new friends (omggggggg). And Natalie and Tootie pledge their undying loyalty to one another.

Very Special Lesson: I would suggest group therapy for this crowd, but I’m legitimately frightened by the thought of them spending any additional time together.