After my dissertation on Murder, She Wrote yesterday, I am truly aiming for a shorter post today. Thankfully, “Fresh Prince. The Movie” is a twenty-three minute episode and not, in fact, a movie.
Over a game of poker, Will tells his friend Jazz that he recently spent time in Alabama as part of the witness protection program because he a mob hit while working in a Philly restaurant. There’s a whole lot in that sentence, so I’ll pause while you take that in.
Will narrowly escaped death himself, but luckily a postal worker arrived and interrupted the hitman. Postal workers — heroes in 2020 — heroes in this one 1994 episode of Fresh Prince. Bizarro episodes are truly timeless.
After Will identifies the hitman in a lineup, the hitman is somehow left alone to fix his hair in the two-way mirror. Will decides to taunt him only to have the hitman punch through the glass and attack him. A guard shows up and saves Will in the knick of time. But the hitman escapes, leaving Will in danger.
The feds send Will to Deliverance, Alabama where he lives in a trailer park and goes by the name “Floyd Palmer.” Will doesn’t love the idea of living in a small unincorporated area. He wants to know where the closest club is. The federal agent tells him, “The closest town is Hatred, Mississippi. I can check if there’s dancing.” Things don’t sound too promising.
That night a shadowy figure hovers over Will as he sleeps. (Meanwhile in the present day, Jazz is so enthralled with the story that he folds on a full house while Carlton wins with a seven high.) Will reveals that the shadowy figure is Uncle Phil! He and the family must assume new identities in Deliverance because they were also being targeted by the hitman — who is still trying to track down Will.
They’re all mad at Will for agreeing to testify against a murderer and ruining their Bel-Air lives. But eventually Uncle Phil comes around and tells Will that he did the right thing. The mood is better for a moment until Uncle Phil remembers he has to start working at the manure plant the next morning.
Will then describes how the hitman searched their vacant house in Bel-Air and found a letter from Hillary to Neiman Marcus asking that they forward her catalog to Deliverance. It’s unclear why this letter is still at the house and not in the mail, but oh well just roll with it.
Wait is this the brother from Everybody Loves Raymond?
With murder literally in his eyes, the hitman heads to Alabama. (In the present day, Jazz needs to go home. But Will and Carlton convince him to stay and keep playing poker because the next part of the story involved an encounter with a bear!) As it turns out the bear is a pet that belongs to another trailer park resident. The bear’s owner, Bertha, takes a liking to Will.
She then accuses him of getting her pregnant and her entire family shows up with shotguns, ready to kill Will This episode suddenly has some really bad To Kill a Mockingbird vibes. As it turns out it’s just a shotgun wedding and not an actual attempt to murder him.
Will persuades Bertha’s father, Hatfield McCoy, to wait until Will’s mother can get to Alabama for the wedding because he wouldn’t feel right getting married without her there. Hatfield is very understanding of this and supports postponing the wedding. Bertha then shows Will a photo she has of him that she will cherish until they can truly be together.
But wait, how did Bertha get a picture of Will?? Turns out it’s a copy of his high school graduation photo. The hitman has posted it around town in the hopes of locating Will. This is where Hatfield and his love of family really comes in handy. The shotgun gang agrees to protect Will and the Banks family.
When he shows up at the trailer park, Will confronts the hitman and says he isn’t afraid because he has “FAMILY.” That’s suppose to be the trigger word for his shotgun gang to jump out and help him. But they’re all passed out from moonshine.
At this point in the poker game Jazz runs out of cash, so Will and Carlton come clean and admit that they made up the whole story to distract Jazz — who is usually a much, much better poker player than they are. Later that night, Will wakes up at 3 am to someone banging on his door. It’s the hitman!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Just kidding, it’s Jazz with a mask that looks identical to the hitman Will made up in his mind. But honestly, that’s way way way scarier if you ask me.
Very Special Bizzaro Lesson: Lying to your friends makes them retroactively clairvoyant, which is scary as shit. I would just need to be sedated forever if I was awakened at 3 am by a physical manifestation of a spooky fantasy.
I’m going to ask you to engage in a little activity before you read this post. Hold an image of Murder, She Wrote in your mind and think of all the words you associate with the show. Here are some of the ones that come up for me: Cozy, gently-paced, feels like the inside of a leather bound book, less violent than an Agatha Christie novel, usually involves a murder but I still somehow feel like I’m drink a warm cup of tea — okay you get the picture. This, my friends, is none of those things. (If you want to watch along, Murder She Wrote is free on Peacock.) Are you ready? Let’s go.
1988’s “Snow White, Blood Red” feels like an aspiring writer went to the video store, rented The Lost Boys, decided Murder, She Wrote needed the same treatment, did a line of coke, wrote something on spec, and somehow that script ended up in the production pile for season 5, purely by accident.
In this episode, Jess is enjoying a ski vacation at the Sable Mountain Lodge courtesy of her nephew. While she waits for his arrival, she witnesses a lovers spat involving the owner of the lodge, a phone call with her “boyfriend”(Gunnar), and a very aggressive other man who snatches the phone from her hands.
Cut to the lodge bar where we meet Pamela. Let me pause here and mention how much I love her whole aesthetic. Pam is pissed because she signed a ski pro (omg you guys this is Gunnar from the telephone) on to endorse her company’s ski gear. However, she has just heard that he’s planning on not competing in the World Cup. Also she’s also heard he’s some kind of playboy. Wait, wait? Gunnar is the playboy??? The earlier scene made me think that the lodge owner was the player. To use an 80’s term: who’s zoomin’ who?
If you are on Etsy and you take custom orders, pop a link in the comments because I am willing to pay money for Pamela’s sweater situation.
So the big drama continues to be Gunnar’s potential retirement. His coach confronts him in the gym and they get into it. Things even get a little physical, but everyone emerges unscathed (thus far). Meanwhile, Pamela continues to shop around for a better pro to rep her brand. She has dinner with another pro, Larry, and tries to convince him to sign with her even though Gunnar is still under contract.
This is another sweater that I would be willing to pay money for if you can link me to an online thrift store with a good reputation. Thanks in advance.
While Pam tries to negotiate a new deal, Jessica arrives for dinner and cannot find a table because it is so crowded. This is 100% my experience of every single restaurant on a mountain during ski season. Jess ends up sharing a table with Ed, who is a detective from New York, and his wife, Sylvia. Dinner goes well. Everyone has a good time.
Cut to some night skiing where Gunnar is murdered by a crossbow. Yes, you read that correctly. Murdered by a crossbow ON MURDER SHE WROTE.
Honestly, my chief complaint about this show is that it can be a little too dull, so I’m really enjoying this change of pace and I truly want to see what happens. OH and also. There is a blizzard. And everyone at the lodge is now snowed in. So if you were the murderer and your plan was to kill Gunnar with a crossbow and then get the heck out of Dodge, you would be in some seriously deep shit right now.
Meanwhile, no one from the outside can reach the mountain to attend to Gunnar’s corpse! (This seems a little odd to me…I don’t know enough about inclement weather travel logistics to dispute it but…there was a murder…and you’re telling me they all just have to hang out with the body for a while????)
That is, in fact, exactly what they do. The lodge owner (I promise to learn her name before the end of this post) and her husband — not boyfriend — (whose name I also need to learn, sorry, sorry) enlist Jessica to help them with the dead man and obvious crime scene. At first, she resists…and that’s saying a lot for a woman who loves to get involved with murder whenever possible. But she’s like, no seriously you guys I’m a book writer who sometimes does some Nancy Drew stuff on the side, but I’m definitely not someone who could examine a body.
Cut to Jessica examining the body:
That’s a private security officer, presumably, in the back of this photo doing absolutely jack shit because he’s really just there to make sure people don’t get too high and fly off the mountain.
She is conducting this post-mortem examination with a gynecologist by the way. Being the only doctor on the entire mountain, he has been roped into helping. Meanwhile, Ed from dinner (who everyone thought had gone home) returns because they “ran into a snow bank the size of the Chrysler building,” which is the first of many annoying at best and offensive at worst statements in reference to Ed’s life in New York City.
Upon seeing the dead body, this dude promptly says, “Oh, beautiful. Well, in the South Bronx we learn to live with stuff like this. But here? How does it figure?” which is a genuinely awful thing to say. It’s especially shitty coming from someone who was presumably on the force during a number of high profile murders that happened right in the heart of midtown Manhattan around the time this episode was filmed. Did we learn to live with those too, Ed? Or do the rules only apply to the South Bronx?
But I guess it was better for tourism if the writers established the New Yorkiness of a character by denigrating a low income neighborhood where — this episode would have you believe — people get used to murder.
Nevertheless, Jessica tries to get Ed to take over the investigation…which like fine…he has a badge or whatever…ughhhhhhhh. But he refuses. And just in case you didn’t hate Ed before, wait until you hear his reason for not wanting to help: “If this was some punk pusher getting knifed under the the Deegan expressway, fine. But bows and arrows? I mean this is a little out of my league.”
In other words, Ed is a piece of shit.
Once Ed has made it abundantly clear that he is not capable of investigating rich, white people at a ski lodge, he finally agrees to help out as long as Jessica runs point. And you know what, she really should be in charge. She’s got a square head on her shoulders and she isn’t an insane piece of shit who thinks one murder victim is less worthy than another.
The cop and the gynecologist leave Jess alone with the body while she goes through his personal effects. In his pocket she finds a key to room 301. Shortly thereafter, the lodge owner gives her an urgent message that had been left for Gunnar that morning. It’s from a woman named Vicki and she has a Nevada area code. Jess calls the number and the man who answers the phone identifies the number as that of the “Tartaglia residence.” Jess asks for Vicki, but the man says she isn’t there and he doesn’t now when she will be back. By the way, he’s super irritated.
The establishing shots are great in this episode.
Jess takes the key to room 301 and starts poking around the room. The lodge owner’s boyfriend shows up and starts snooping while Jess is lying in wait. She confronts him with a lighter that belongs to his girlfriend, Anne. (The lodge owner’s name is Anne!) It’s obviously that’s what he’s there to retrieve. When Jess doesn’t hand it over immediately, he gets a little threatening. Dude seems unhinged, frankly. So she puts the lighter down on the end table where he can take it back without getting closer to her. She then moves closer to the hall door.
The husband softens up a bit after this, allowing Jess to get some key information out of him. Anne and he were engaged when he had an accident. Even though they did get married, he never felt that he was enough for her. But he swears that she was in the room for an hour after Gunnar left because he was staring down the hall watching the door like a creepy, stalker. I get that they’re married and she’s stepping out on him and so I’m judging a little less on the door staring…but it also doesn’t feel like that can go anywhere good.
Now we jump to a scene with a little light acoustic guitar concert at a table with a pitcher of beer. This appears to be some sort of memorial service for Gunnar. During the memorial, Larry gets upset that everyone is having a little too much fun and leaves mid-celebration of life. In the meantime, Jess starts up a conversation in the cafe with Pam. She complains to Jess about the contract situation. She even says she “could have killed him,” but she’s just being metaphorical. Or so she says.
Cut to a spooky gloved hand with a crossbow. I mean we’re getting zoomed in shots of the arrow tip with spooky-ass horror music. What is happening on Murder, She Wrote right now???
I am honestly terrified right now.
We cut from the crossbow to Larry and Pam working out in the gym. Larry is still complaining about the memorial service not being somber enough. He then leaves Pam alone in the gym where Gunnar’s drunk coach accuses her of trying to force Gunnar out of his endorsement contract. He says she was embarrassed by Gunnar’s womanizing and set out to sabotage him. He also accuses her of having something to do with the murder. He wrenches her wrist and says that he’d kill her if she wasn’t a woman. GEEZE. So many terrible people in this episode!
This is maybe not the right time to bring up how much I like her headband but I think we could use another photo here anyway.
Pam heads into the locker room and finds some bloody workout clothes that look suspiciously like Larry’s. She enters the showers to look for a presumably injured Larry and holy crap honestly I have never seen something so graphic on this show as what she finds in that shower. There is a lot of blood and he’s been strung up over the shower head. Watch at your own risk:
This does not look like a scene from Murder, She Wrote. When was anything else on this show ever filmed in such a manner? The title of this episode feels extremely accurate because I am quite certain I have never ever ever seen so much blood on this show.
I know you’re all upset and I’m here to comfort you with another photo of Pamela’s excellent fashion sense:
Even in a tragedy, she is impeccably dressed.
As if the shower horror wasn’t enough, this episode raises the stakes yet again. The phones don’t work! They can still call within the lodge because of a generator, but Anne says they are “totally isolated from the civilized world.” Ed orders the entire lodge searched from top to bottom for the crossbow. And Jess is like Ed, you idiot we’re not just going to find it lying around somewhere.
Ed says there’s something a little off about the Coach in his opinion. This is is the first thing Ed and I have agreed upon all night. While he investigates this theory, Jess and Anne’s husband borrow a CB radio in a guest’s car. They manage to make contact with the sheriff just long enough to report the two murders, but then the radio loses the signal.
Back at the lodge, Jess asks Mike (that’s Anne’s husband’s name!) why he and Anne invited all of their friends to the lodge that week…you know…cause now they’re all dying…He tells her they were hoping to drum up some business and nothing more. She notes two out of the four previous World Cup team members are now dead. Just then, Johnny (the only remaining living team member aside from Mike) stumbles into the room. He’s been shot by an arrow, but he cannot identify the culprit.
Jessica theorizes the killer is left handed based on the way Johnny was injured. However, she also posits that his wound might have been self-inflicted. She thinks he could be picking off other team member in order to secure his spot on the next World Cup team.
I don’t like Ed, but I do like his sweaters.
That night Jess is awakened by a phone call from Ed’s wife. She says that Ed received a mysterious phone call and left their room with his gun! So now Jess has to trudge down this giant staircase in the blizzard to look for him.
As she tries the doors of the ski shop, Ed almost shoots her. He’s there waiting to meet a man who called him and said he had information. While Ed and Jessica discuss that this situation could very easily be a trap, the killer set them in the sites of his crossbow. Luckily, he misses.
Come on, Jess! You know better than that.
They see a man on a skimobile headed towards them. Ed shoots the person one the skimobile and he falls to the ground. With the unidentified assailant now down, Ed and Jess rush over to find out who the killer is. It turns out it’s…drum roll please…the coach!
But Jess isn’t so sure. She’s enlisted the gyno to extract the bullets from the coach’s body. She then meets Sylvia in the restaurant and inquires as to why Ed is in such a hurry to leave when he was part of the investigation. What hot shot cop wouldn’t want to brag to other cops? Ed’s wife said he just doesn’t want to fill out the paperwork…uh…okay.
When Ed walks in and says they have to wait for their fuel line to be repaired– I assume that’s Jess’s doing — she confronts him with the coach’s winter coat. Jess shows him that the coat only shows a bloodstain from one shot — meaning that the coach was already dead when the second bullet hit him. Jess thinks that Vicki’s husband sent Ed to kill Gunnar. Then Ed killed again to cover up his original crime by making it look like Gunnar was targeted for being on the World Cup team. She also thinks he’s pretending to be a cop…which would make sense with all the really on the nose stereotypes and the fact that he didn’t want to help investigate at all.
Jess then accuses Sylvia of helping Ed. After all, she was the one who lured Jess out of her room. And someone had to shoot the crossbow and start the skimobile. Also they were the only two people who even tried to leave the lodge before the roads were closed. Plus, when Jessica was double checking the crime scene, she noticed an internal phone next to sleigh bells in the car barn where the skimobiles are. And come to think of it, she is sure she heard sleigh bells in the background while speaking to Sylvia.
Very Special Bizzaro Lesson: If you’re an arrogant jackass, who tries to flee a crime scene, a lovely mystery author will ensnare you in a trap you never see coming. Is this my favorite episode of Murder, She Wrote ever??? I’m really liking the Murder, She Wrote bizzaro world. I liked the thriller/suspense vibe in terms of holding my attention. I also very much love that this dude who was so flagrantly a jackass right from the beginning gets knocked down a peg by Jessica when he thought he was pulling one over on her. Annnnnd in a bizzaro world, it’s not even bizarre that murder follows Jessica literally everywhere she goes.
If you’re still reading this (probably my longest post ever) thanks for sticking around! And also please check out Murder She Drank as they live tweet this episode on Friday, December 18th!
Finally, quick shout out to Joanna at Murder, She Watched. That photo of Ed & Jess talking about motive came from her post on the episode. She also has a beautiful cast of characters for your reference! (Way better than me forgetting everyone’s names.)
As the holidays draw near, a young heiress contends with the affections of a suitor handpicked by her mother. When the handsome chef, Harland Sanders, arrives with his secret fried chicken recipe and a dream, he sets in motion a series of events that unravels the mother’s devious plans. Will our plucky heiress escape to her wintry happily ever after with Harland at her side, or will she cave to the demands of family and duty? Mario Lopez, Justene Alpert, Tessa Munro, Chad Doreck, Martin Mandela star.
Official Description for “A Recipe for Seduction” from Lifetime. You can stream the full mini-movie on their website.
0:23 Title Card: A Recipe for Seduction 0:24 Camera zooms in on holiday family dinner. 0:30 Credits roll over tight shots of crispy fried chicken. 0:40 Dinner attendee compliments hostess, Bunny, on the excellent chicken. 0:42 Bunny claims she cannot cook; credits new chef with delectable chicken. 0:58 Dinner guest’s girlfriend rolls her eyes at another guest across the table. 1:20 Annoying dinner guest proposes to girlfriend, Jessica, who clearly does not love him. 1:38 Jessica stage whispers her resentment at the public proposal. 1:40 Bunny admonishes Jessica, who is clearly her daughter. 1:42 Jessica excuses herself from the table. 1:57 Bunny blames the rejection on Jessica drinking too much at dinner. 2:00 Camera dollies in. Bunny, reads the paper at breakfast table. 2:05 Jessica enters. 2:08 Bunny reams Jessica out for not using her body to improve the family’s status. 2:25 Bunny mentions that the bank is going to repossess their stately mansion. 2:40 Bunny tells Jessica she has to marry Billy so that Bunny doesn’t lose her nice house. 2:42 Harland Sanders enters. 2:43 Jessica is smitten by Harlan’s dimples and goatee. 2:58 Bunny tells Jessica that Harland is a head chef at a fancy restaurant, but she insisted that he leave the city, live in the mansion’s guest house, and cook exclusively for their family. (No mention of the families mounting debt is made in reference to this.) 3:29 Jessica ignores a call from Billy, the proposer. 3:47 Jessica offers Harland a tour of the grounds. 3:42 Bunny watches from the main door like she’s Jessica Lange in Hush. 4:08 Jessica tells Harland how much Billy sucks. 4:20 Harland tells Jessica about how he’s trying to change the world with his “secret recipe” (which does not appear to be sexual in nature). 4:40 Billy appears and confronts Jessica for embarrassing him. 4:48 Harland tells Billy to back-off. 4:54 “Beat it crouton, get back to the kitchen, and let me and my fiancee talk.” 5:03 Billy threatens Jessica. 5:08 Jessica runs away. 5:13 “Don’t call me crouton.” 5:17 Establishing shot of Whittendale Country Club. 5:23 The other guest from dinner answers a call from Jessica. He tells her he is meeting a guy from the farmer’s market for a date at the country club. 5:42 Jessica tells her friend that she hasn’t decided whether or not to accept Billy’s proposal but that she’s into Harland the chef. 6:00 “He told me he has this secret recipe that’s gonna change the world. And you know something? I believe in him.” 6:06 Jessica’s friend comments that this is the happiest she has ever been. [Presumably viewers around the world cheer for Jessica as she experiences a cis straight man being polite to her for the very first time ever.] 6:11 Jessica tells her friend, Lee, that her mother needs her to marry the man who threatened her in order to pay their debts off. 6:25 Lee ends their call because it is time for his date. 6:34 Jessica texts “We need to talk” to an unknown recipient. [Billy, perhaps?] 6:39 Jessica leaves the room. 6:41 Bunny creeps around the corner. 6:42 Shower water running offscreen. 6:50 Billy responds: “At country club, what’s up” [no punctuation.] 6:53 Bunny texts back pretending to be Jessica and asks him to wait for her there. 7:07 Billy drinks dark colored liquor while holding the ring box and feeling sorry for himself. 7:25 Bunny arrives and informs Billy that Jessica has feelings for Harland. 7:34 Billy laughs at the thought of Jessica dating a cook. 7:42 Lee and his date enter the room undetected by Billy and Bunny. 7:43 Bunny tries to convey the gravity of the situation to Billy, stating that Harland has a “secret recipe” that might make him famous. 8:00 Lee notices Billy and Bunny getting cozy at the bar. 8:02 Billy still isn’t taking it seriously so, in an even more twisted riff on The Graduate, Bunny offers to sleep with Billy whenever he wants if he marries her daughter. 8:24 Billy enters the empty kitchen. 8:38 Billy tests the blade of a large knife. 8:40 Billy puts the knife down. 8:46 Billy discovers a knapsack containing a color coordinated leather-bound journal. 8:55 Billy finds Harland’s secret recipe in the journal. 8:59 Billy hears someone approaching and hides the recipe. 9:00 Harland enters and tells billy that Jessica isn’t home. 9:14 Billy offers to buy Harland off. 9:20 Harland tells Billy he isn’t interested. 9:25 Billy tells Harland he knows about the recipe. 9:28 Harland looks shocked. 9:33 Billy lies to Harland and tells him that Jessica accepted his proposal. 9:55 Billy puts a check for 500,000 dollars in Harland’s pocket. 10:11 Lee arrives at the house and demands to see Jessica. 10:17 Bunny tells Lee that Jessica is out purchasing a new phone. [Wait why has Jessica been missing for so long. Is she okay???] 10:36 Lee tells Bunny he saw her seducing Lee. He’s going to tell Jessica everything. 10:43 Bunny hits Lee with a croquet mallet. 10:51 Jessica tries unsuccessfully to contact Lee with her new phone. 11:04 Harland confronts Jessica about the fact that Billy knows about his secret recipe. 11:34 Jessica stops Harland from leaving the property and confesses that she love him, not Billy. 11:49 Bunny calls Billy and tells him about this new development because she’s spying again, of course. 12:04 Jessica tells Bunny that she is happy with Harland and will not marry Billy. 12:16 Bunny tells Jessica that Harland has left the property. 12:28 Jessica searches for Harland in the kitchen. 12:45 A distraught Jessica hears muffled screams on the grounds. 13:00 Jessica rushes into a storage shed to find Billy attempting to murder Harland 13:12 Bunny rushes in to tell Billy that Lee has gotten free and she urges him to kill Harland quickly. 13:23 Lee catches Jessica’s eye from behind the shadows of the storage shed. He motions for her to keep quiet. 13:25 Harland head-butts Lee. 13:33 Billy comes at Harland with a knife. 13:34 Lee hits Billy with a croquet mallet. 13:39 Jessica pushes Bunny into a shelving unit. 13:50 Jessica and Harland kiss. 14:04 Title card: One Year Later 14:07 Lee officiates Harland and Jessica’s wedding. 14:26 Serenity Falls Health & Wellness Center establishing shot. 14:30 Camera dollies in on Bunny sitting alone on a bench. 14:40 Billy joins Bunny on the bench. They both have gray hair now. 14:45 Billy announces that he found Jessica and Harland before taking a big juicy bite of chicken leg. 14:56 Credits
Wait…why didn’t Bunny just marry Billy for the money instead of Jessica?
I’ve been cooking up a fun little end of the year celebration for this blog. In the midst of drafting one of my posts, I found this really great website called Murder, She Drank. They have printable bingo cards (fun whether or not you drink) and live tweet episodes twice a month. And it just so happened that I found them while drafting a post on one of their upcoming episodes “Snow White, Blood Red.” So if you want to have a little fun on Twitter this Friday, December 18th, here are the details:
A few years ago, KFC released a special for Mother’s Day romance novella featuring none other than Colonel Sanders. Well, it looks like Lifetime is running with that idea and airing a mini-movie with Mario Lopez this Sunday!
Unfortunately, if you’re looking for the novella that started the whole “Col. Sanders is a hottie” craze, they’re no longer available. But it doesn’t look like you missed out on much anyway. Here’s hoping the mini-movie is better or at least better at being bad.
At the top of this episode, the gang’s resident advisor (Mike) who is about thirty-five years old announces that he will be hosting Thanksgiving dinner for a group of underprivileged kids. For this reason, he can’t use his NFL tickets.
Mike offers the tickets up to the group and only-child Zack pitches a whole sob story about how his “brother” Teddy has just returned from the Peace Corps and would love to attend an NFL game with him because Zack is a sociopath. He doesn’t even want to go to the game. As it turns out, his plan is to scalp the tickets.
Meanwhile, Slater coaches his girlfriend, Alex on how to make a good impression at his family’s Thanksgiving Dinner.
Don’t talk politics with Slater’s father
Laugh at his uncle’s jokes
Pretend to be Mexican when speaking to his grandma
Sounds like this relationship is destined for long-term success!
A college friend, Leslie, declines an invite to spend Thanksgiving with Kelly, opting instead to help Mike with his dinner. She says her family isn’t big on Thanksgiving, which Zack is surprised to hear because her ancestors were on the Mayflower.
Leslie asserts that some of her ancestors were at the First Thanksgiving, and invented the three bean salad. (No amount of facepalm emojis will suffice. Please go back and click that link if you skipped over it.)
Leslie spends most of her day making turkey place cards out of construction paper and school glue. They’re actually pretty cute. But Mike reprimands her, saying: “These are tough street kids, not the Olsen kids.” Because I guess only wealthy white kids enjoy crafts? What the actual fuck, Mike?
A lot of things happen in quick succession: Mike and Screech attempt to lift a pool table. Mike injures his back. Screech tries to help Mike by pushing his wheelchair, but Screech sucks so he rams the wheelchair into a wall at top speed. Mike ends up with a concussion. Screech decides to stay with Mike and “help” him even though Mike begs him to go back home to LA with everyone else.
Lucky for everyone else, Screech isn’t with them when they take a shortcut on the drive back to LA and breakdown in the middle of nowhere. I can only assume the one thing that would make that awful situation worse is Screech.
Zack is stressed because he wants to get back home and sell the NFL tickets. When they see a car, they all try to flag it down except for Alex who scares off the passing vehicle by pretending her flashlight is a gun because she believes them to be Pod People…because they drive a Chevy.
Everyone thinks she’s stupid, and she is deeply heart by their reactions. She sounds delusional. Like maybe it’s just the stress of breaking down on the road in the middle of nowhere in the middle of the night, but like she may want to consider seeking professional help.
After spending the night by the broken down car, the gang gets towed back to college on Thanksgiving morning.
Zack announces that he’s trying to fly back to LA on standby. Kelly tells him he’s selfish. (He is.) He denies it. (Of course he does.) And Slater calls him out for not adding anyone else’s name to the standby list.
After talking things over with Mike, they all decide to spend Thanksgiving with the underprivileged kids. The only problem is that Screech switched out the order for cooked turkeys to an order for frozen turkeys in order to save a little money.
So the kids show up to eat while the turkeys are still frozen. Zack runs off to find an open store while Screech tries to thaw the turkeys with a hair dryer. (I am sure this is not a best practice for food safety.)
Before he leaves, we learn that Zack secured a spot on the standby list by pretending to be a doctor picking up an organ donation. (Just in case you thought he wasn’t a piece of shit. Wanted to set that record straight real quick.)
Zack returns from Seven Eleven (the only open store, which he tells us repeatedly in an offensive accent like he’s trying to be Apu or something.)
While Screech tries to thaw the turkeys in a sauna (yikes), the news interviews Mike. In the middle of the interview, Screech serves the kids a platter of turkey jerky…ugh. Zack also tries to co-opt the interview to request an extra plane ticket to LA. GEEZE.
Then Jonathan Brandis shows up with an actual cooked turkey and if you’re a millennial girl then you’re heart just broke in one thousand different ways. (If you’re not a millennial girl, Jonathan Brandis was like a baby River Pheonix whose life also ended tragically at a young age.)
Sweet Angel Jonathan Brandis saw the turkey jerky news report and decided to deliver an actual meal to the kids! It turns out a few celebrities had this same idea (and all evidently live in the San Francisco area) because Marsha Warfield from Night Court shows up next with another beautiful turkey. Jenna von Oy from Blossom arrives next (btw Kelly Kapowski is announcing all of these people as they enter.) Jenna brought pie btw.
Marsha & Jonathan sit down for dinner with no food.
Then Mr. Belding from the show’s original run show up to honestly as many fan cheers as Jonathan, Marsha, and Jenna got. And this sounds like a live studio audience but honestly idk I guess it could be a track. He’s in town to visit his mother and decided to bring by some mashed potatoes, which he promptly asks Jenna von Oy’s to sign her name. Considering that Jenna is approximately sixteen years old at the time of this filming, it’s more than a little weird.
Kelly makes a nice little speech about thankfulness just in time for Brian Austin Green to show up with cranberry sauce. OMG THIS WAS A LEGIT 90’S WHO’S WHO. I truly wasn’t into this episode at all but this ending was all very heartwarming to my millennial heart. (Fun fact: This episode was probably filmed shortly before Tiffani Thiessen became Brian’s castmate on 90210.)
Zack pulls Kelly aside to do something truly nice for once. He’s gotten a ticket back to LA and he’s giving it to her. Zack tells Kelly her happiness is more important that money and she says, “I think that’s the nicest thing you’ve ever said to me,” which is really kind of a bummer when you think about it.
Very Special Thanksgiving Lesson: Do not outsource your supply chain management (unless you live in an area with a lot of very giving celebrities willing to pitch in at the eleventh hour.)
In other exciting news. The SBTB reboot is now streaming on Peacock! Have any of you watched it yet? Let me know in the comments!
Let’s not mince words. We’re swiftly moving into winter, the days are short, and the quarantine is long. I’m comforting myself with the emotional weighted-blanket that it several seasons of Grey’s Anatomy. (I started watching for the first time in August! Wow, what a ride! It’s a soap opera! I didn’t realize! Now I’m addicted! But that isn’t the point of this post!)
Anyway, the point is that 2020 is weird. And sometimes when you’re binge watching, you also need a task to help with the crippling anxiety. We are utilitarian people and we need to feel handy!
As a small child, people tried to encourage me to do puzzles to help with my motor skills or cognitive reasoning or whatever and yet, for DECADES, I have felt that puzzles are unequivocally boring. However, many fellow humans have told me that they’ve found puzzles satisfying during COVID times. So idk, maybe I’ll give them another shot. (But probably not.)
In the event that I decide to give puzzles another go, I did some research on potentially cool ones. I’ve decided to share that research with you in case you do not have the same lifelong hatred of puzzles that I seem to have buried deep, deep within my soul.
Also I wrote a post several years ago about novelty television board games. So if you’re anti-puzzle like me but you love board games (also like me), then might I recommend checking that out for inspiration?
Blockbuster Clueless Poster VHS puzzle available for $10.43 at Hot Topic
1000 PIECE PUZZLES
The Golden Girls “I Heart Miami” available for $14.99 at Target
Friends Milkshake Puzzle available for $19.95 at the WB Shop
Die Hard Nakatomi Plaza available for $29.99 from Target
“The Color of Fun” Crayola puzzle available for $19.95 at The Paper Store
I know the last one doesn’t fit the theme. But doesn’t a box of crayons just make you feel safe?
You know what though, the more I think about it…the more I’m like…that Golden Girls “Stay Golden” puzzle is super cute, so maybe I will order that one. I finally came around to cooking in quarantine, so truly anything is possible.
When the weather is too bad to go out on Halloween night, the Winslow family decides to play “pass the ghost story” instead.
Carl starts the story and we are transported to the castle of Count von Winslow (Carl). He then passes the torch to Harriette, who continues the story. She describes the countess (Harriette) as “the brains of the family.” And really ups the ante in this next part — the count and countess are VAMPIRES. We then see the count and countess drinking juice boxes of blood, which is cute and gross at the same time!
Now it’s Eddie’s turn to continue the story. He describes the “teen heartthrob” son of the family — who is like a 90’s Elvis Vampire version of Eddie Winslow. The big drama thus far is that Eddie Vampire is a rebel who doesn’t torture the townspeople.
Eddie passes the story to Urkel. And I’d like to pause a moment and give Jaleel White a lot of credit for maintaining the Urkel voice for NINE YEARS on this show.
Urkel describe an Earl, who is passing by and asks to stay at the castle overnight because his carriage has broken. The von Winslows are more than happy to have some fresh blood in the house. Urkel then passes the story to Waldo.
Waldo describe the von Winslow’s faithful butler, who ushers Urkel to his room for the night. Yeah…he doesn’t really contribute all that much before swiftly passing the story to Laura. And here’s where things get really interesting.
Laura describes the Earl checking out his bedroom and eventually hanging his coat on a hook on the wall. This hook reveals a secret revolving door with one of the von Winslow’s victims (Laura) chained to it.
The Earl removes her gag and she explains that she is a peasant girl and has been trapped by the von Winslows ever since her carriage broke down!!!! She explains that they are vampires and the Earl should absolutely not drink the wine because it’s drugged so that they can suck his blood more easily.
Laura then passes the story to Rachel. She describes how the Earl avoids drinking the wine. (There’s a lot of switching the cups Princess Bride style during this portion.) When Count von Winslow realizes the Earl won’t drink the wine, he flat out admits that he wants to drink his blood and challenges him to a duel.
After a harrowing battle in which the teeny tiny Earl fights off the much bigger and stronger Count with a wedge of garlic brie and then pulls down a large curtain to expose all the von Winslows to a ton of sunlight, he rushes upstairs to save peasant Laura.
To make things truly spooky, the Earl looks up right before he is about to kiss Laura and reveals that HE IS A VAMPIRE.
Very Special Halloween Lesson: Don’t ask to spend the night at strange homes!!!
Home Improvement really went all out for the holiday episodes and this one is no exception.
Brad is having a Halloween party and he’s dressing up as Raggedy Andy because his first girlfriend is going to be dressing up as Raggedy Anne. He feels really embarrassed by the costume, but his dad reassures him “A lot of times men do things they don’t want to do so the women they’re going out with will do things they don’t want to do.” Annnndddd this is your daily reminder that Tim Tayor is kind of a piece of shit. When Brad innocently asks for an example and his wife, Jill, challenges him on this terrible piece of advice, Tim offers a few innocent options — my favorite of which is “shave your back hair.”
While getting ready for the party in the backyard, Tim starts chatting with neighbor Wilson, who tells him that everyone likes being scared because of the release of epinephrine. As someone with chronic anxiety symptoms I would like to officially say that — NO — I do not like being scared. I’ve got more adrenaline than I can handle based on my natural brain chemistry so please leave me out the “fun” scaring thank you very much.
Anyway, Randy and Mark go trick or treating while Jill puts the finishing touches on Brad’s Raggedy Andy costume. Randy is dressed up as a pirate whereas I’m not sure who exactly Mark is supposed to be. He kind of looks like Gordon Gekko but if they said that officially then I missed it.
Jill is staying home for the party, but she’s decided to dress up as well. They lost her reservation at the costume shop and she had to take the only thing they had left — a giant carrot. Now listen, I don’t know if it’s the fact that I did not get much sleep last night or what but I find this absolutely HILARIOUS. I laughed out loud, I kid you not.
Moments later, Brad answers the door to greet his guests and finds that Jennifer has arrived to the party dressed as not Raggedy Anne but rather a biker chick. And she’s at the party with Shawn from Boy Meets World. (Okay, not literally Shawn but it is Ryder Strong and while they said his character name when he showed up on screen, I have immediately forgotten it and will be referring to him as Shawn henceforth.)
Additionally, this is a pre-Boy Meets World Shawn, so he has a sweet little angel face — and before you’re like wait wait wait didn’t he just steal Brad’s girlfriend? The answer is no. Evidently, Brad was being a little shit (probably about the costume) and so Jennifer decided to attend the party with someone who was nicer to her.
Okay, okay it’s still Brad’s party so I recognize that this is shitty behavior regardless. But they’re preteens and this is their version of communication. As a former middle school girl, I do remember that power plays were commonplace albeit incredibly detrimental to actual human relationships.
Shawn makes fun of Brad’s Raggedy Andy wig, which coming from someone with incredibly good hair, is an extremely low block. Things come to blows — aka a sixth grade shoving match — and Brad runs out of the house after Tim breaks things up.
Tim goes outside to talk things out with Brad and winds up encouraging him to direct his desire to hit someone towards Jennifer (!!!) instead of Shawn, but this is played for laughs because you know joking about domestic violence with your young son is prime parenting.
Tim tries to help determine what Brad did to upset Jennifer, but Brad can’t think of anything and laments the fact that Jennifer said he “should know.” In further misogynistic parenting, Tim tells Brad to go inside and tell Jennifer “I understand,” which in his words makes women “forgive you for just about anything.”
Tim also advises Brad to take the wig off before he talks to Jennifer, which reminds me that this episode was shot back when Brad had a mullet.
Brad confronts Jennifer about not showing up to the party as Raggedy Anne and she tells him, “I was going to.” He replies and, per his father’s instructions, says, “I understand.” Jennifer is like wtf. And Brad clarifies: “I understand that you’re mad at me.” (Nice save.)
It comes to light that Jennifer is upset with Brad because he picked a different girl to be on his kickball team over her. Brad defends his decision by saying that he wanted to win and he did win so there! But Tim (eavesdropping across the room) clears his throat loudly while saying “don’t start talking like that” under his breath. Brad gets the message and course corrects.
Brad tells Jennifer that picking her was more important than winning and he apologizes. Jennifer apologizes for not wearing her half of their couples costume. And then everyone gets to enjoy the Halloween party!
Tim has turned the entire basement into a haunted dungeon with lots and lots of fog machine smoke. He’s dressed up kind of like the old lady from Psycho but there’s no official mention that’s what he’s supposed to be. He does pretend to eat a maggot and then say he wants to kiss one of the kids, who all run screaming up the stairs because that is a truly truly terrifying prospect.
All the kids except for Shawn that is. Shawn stays behind to insult the entire family. He tells Tim that he can’t build anything and his show should be called “Fool Time.” I mean, he’s not wrong but he is a little jackass.
In response, Tim tells him to check out the tool box across the room. At first Shawn thinks it’s stupid, but then he opens the box to reveal Al’s disembodied head. And that’s enough to really freak him out. Then all of the creepy spooky creatures (including Wilson whose face, don’t worry, you still can’t see) pop out and scare the crap out of him. Good. He deserved to get knocked down a peg.
Oh by the way I found it so off-putting that I didn’t even mention it throughout this post, but Jill has been getting low-key bullied by one of Brad’s classmates all night and I sincerely hope she spoke to his adult at home about this.
Very Special Halloween Lesson: I’m going to take a hardline stance on this one. Eleven is too young for couples costumes. You date and break-up every two-days in the sixth grade. There’s no way you’re staying together consistently enough to coordinate outfits.
We all know the Clueless TV series “aka Cher with a Canadian accent” can be iffy at best, but this one is an homage to Scream so please, as George Michael would say, “listen without prejudice.” Or in this case, read without prejudice.
Cher is dressed up as US Attorney General Janet Reno and Dionne is dressed as Ginger Spice. They are arguing over who the better role model is when Cher receives a creepy phone call from (presumably) the Ghostface killer! When he describes her costume over the phone, Cher yells out to Dionne to get away from the window.
Dionne tells Cher it’s probably just Murray riffing on Scream and that she shouldn’t be worried about it. She even answers the next phone call and starts taunting him. But when Murray shows up at the door (while they’re still on the phone with Ghostface) Cher and Dionne turn back to see the window behind them open and shriek in fear.
They fill Murray in on what’s going on and he tells them to turn off the lights. They all crouch down on the floor and Murray explains that the door was open when he arrived, so he came in to check on them. They’re about to crawl along the floor and out the door when Cher points out that there could be more than one person spying on them.
They retreat from the door and cower under a table. Dionne tries to get Murray to go investigate the house, which devolves into them arguing about how broke up with whom. When Dionne insists she was the one to break up with Murray, he says “and the last episode of Seinfeld was really funny.” Ohhh topical for the time and still funny today!
Moments later a gloved hand reaches through the open door and grabs Murray! But don’t worry it turns out it was his friend Sean. It was Murray playing a prank on the girls after all.
And he wants them to help him plan a haunted house and Bob Saget’s abandoned mansion! (Cue joke about Bob Saget’s career in 1998.) So I guess this was all a really, really mean trial run for a haunted house. Note to all the men out there: don’t pretend to stalk women as a joke. Also just don’t stalk women at all. Or anyone. Okay, thank you.
Moving on. Cher offers her father’s connections to help Murray with the haunted house. The special effects lead criticizes Murray and says his haunted house is basic and derivative. But Murray doubles down on his original idea — which is mostly just a lot of body horror. *cringe*
Murray ends up being so demanding that the special effects guy quits right before the haunted house is set to open. Murray sends a classmate to figure out the special effects stuff (in place of the professional so ugh yeah wonder how successful that will be). But moments later the classmate ends up dead — stabbed in the back — with a warning note to the others.
At the end of the first part of this two-part episode, Cher suspects LITERALLY EVERYONE including Dionne and her own father! Sounds like Cher would really benefit from a therapist.
At the beginning of part two, Cher and her friends are being questioned by the police. Dionne tries to tell the cops that Murray is the killer, but Cher tells them she’s just saying that because of “Post Traumatic Breakup Stress.” She assures the detective that Murray isn’t a killer (okay, strike comment from earlier about Cher having trust issues).
The coach, who is their creepy faculty sponsor and left with Amber prior to the murder to buy trash lingerie…um…yeah I cannot believe this is played for laughs, suddenly reappears at the bottom of this creepy tall staircase. She’s dead too.
Moments later Amber appears again, playing dead. Dionne accuses her of being the murder but she’s quickly ruled out because everyone agrees that Amber would have killed Dionne first.
As they continue their search, the detective opens an armoire to find Murray with a knife. He shots him dead only to have the real Murray walk into the room moment later. It turns out the Murray in the armoire was just a special effects gag.
The detective leaves the house to use his car radio and says, “I’ll be right back,” leading everyone to freak out that he won’t because Horror Rules 101 dictate that you should never say such a thing.
The detective gets locked out of the house and Murray refuses to let him back in when he knocks. He’s worried that the detective is the killer or the killer is faking the detective’s voice. When they finally persuade Murray to open the door, they are greeted by the detective’s dead body followed by the Clueless version of Ghostface.
They all rush into the kitchen (Amber has never seen one before) where they spot Sean’s dead body through the window. Just then another classmate walks in. She’s holding a knife. But it turns out she’s not Ghostface. She’s just creepy and insane. We know she’s not Ghostface because he flies through the window seconds later, and Cher hits him over the head with a frying pan.
Meanwhile, the creepy classmate was impaled by a giant shard of broken window (yikes) and dies. Ghostface begins to stir, so Cher hits him over the head with the frying pan and they all run away. UGH! I was really hoping for an unmasking!
While they others flee, Ghostface grabs Amber. Murray, Dionne, and Cher leave her behind because no one really likes Amber anyway. As they try to figure out the best way to get out of the house, Ghostface (there’s always two, right?) springs through another window behind Cher and pulls her threw it. Murray and Dionne try to escape through an adjacent door only to discover the special effects guy’s corpse.
The end up barricaded in a separate room with their only means of escape being through a skylight. Murray declares his undying love for Dionne and tries to have sex with her, but she says they have to remain virgins in order to survive (more Horror movie rules). Idk how much of this show is not cannon (I didn’t watch much of it) but this clearly contradicts some of the events of Clueless the movie.
Anyway, Murray confesses to Dionne that he slept with someone while they were broken up, so he’s definitely going to die (Horror movie rules style). Just then Ghostface breaks into the room. Dionne fights him off of Murray, but when Murray tries to save Dionne his legs stop working. This truly is a nightmare!
(I figured this was all special effects gags to teach Murray a lesson, but maybe they’re going to sue the “all a dream” trope instead. What do you think?)
Dionne unmasks Ghostface in the scuffle and reveals him to be Sean. Turns out he wasn’t dead!
Murray thinks it’s all a joke until Sean tells him he’s serious.
Just as Sean is about to stab Dionne, Cher and Amber appear behind him and shoot him. (Idk how they got two guns, but this is America and we do have a known problem with that. Smh.)
As he is dying, Sean calls out to Murray who is such a good friend that he goes over to him and comforts him even though he just tried to murder him. Sean using the last of his strength to shake Murray and then starts laughing and tells him he was right and this really was all just a joke.
Having learned his lesson, Murray tells the girls: “I’m gonna lay off all the slasher stuff. It’s a lot less cool when all of the sudden it become real.”
In the end Murray turns the mansion into a really tame venue that once kind says “makes Barney look edgy.”
Either I’m bored as shit in quarantine or this was actually a pretty good episode. Maybe both!
Very Special Halloween Lesson: Ordinarily, I would feel like this is way over the line. But then again, a teenage boy calling teenage girls and pretending to be a criminal stalker is highly concerning to me, so maybe Murray needed to learn this lesson. I won’t go so far as to *endorse* it because this is a friendship ruining level of pranking. It’s also weird that they only “got back” at Murray and Sean was the one actually making the weird phone calls. Pretty solid Scream homage though. I’ll give it that.
The Very Special Blog 