Home Improvement: Home for the Holidays

December 21, 2015March 12, 2016 ~ theveryspecialblog ~ 2 Comments

Randy comes home from Costa Rica for Christmas and is immediately pissed that things at the Taylor house haven’t stayed exactly the same since he left.

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He buys his whole family a protected tree in the Costa Rican rainforest, but Tim is more excited about the cool lights that Brad and Mark got him for the roof. It’s an admirable gift, Randy.

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But you shouldn’t have been surprised that your dad was more into Christmas lights. He’s been waging a full-out war with Doc Johnson next door for at least seven years. And this year he’s taking on Al. So…

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Then Randy speaks some Spanish with Wilson and that’s pretty cool. I can’t figure out if my Spanish is just that rusty or if his accent sucks, but I admire the effort. Randy is so short that he has to stand on the bottom rung of the fence to talk to Wilson lol.

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So Randy deals with the fact that things have changed without him and Jill admits that she and Tim should have made more of an effort to spend time with him. I mean he did come all the way from Costa Rica.

Also, Al defeats Tim in the holiday lighting contest. I think Al needed this win.

Very Special Lesson: This show sucked without JTT. Why did they even do a final season without him???

Home Improvement: I Was a Teenage Taylor

October 28, 2015October 11, 2015 ~ theveryspecialblog ~ Leave a comment

Halloween is a BIG deal to the Taylor family. Tim and Al prank each other on Tool Time and the Taylors prank each other around the house. Basically, they all have to spend the entire month of October looking over their shoulders.

After Randy and Brad freak their mom out by preparing dinner a.k.a. a gory-severed head (not real, don’t worry), some creepy man shows up at the door. He hints at an awful incident that happened when he lived in the house and wants to see “the basement,” which is now Randy’s room. Brad thinks it’s just their parents trying to get even with them, but Randy is not so sure.

They decide to talk to Wilson. If Wilson knows about “the incident” then it’s true. If he does not, then their parents are playing them. While Randy and Brad are walking over to Wilson’s, Jill and Tim pay off the creepy man. It turns out that Brad and Randy have been picking on Mark AGAIN and they’re enacting revenge.

Wilson plays along and gives them this awful story about how the creepy man was long-ago suspected of killing his brother, Ezekiel. However, it’s also possible that Ezekiel simply ran away. Either way, the creepy dude was locked away in a mental institution. Wilson hints that he should still be there but Randy and Brad tell him that he’s out and trying to get a look at their basement.

Wilson even has a fake newspaper article from the “time of the incident,” suggesting that Ezekial is buried in the basement. But Al shows up at the Taylor home and sees the boys reading the newspaper. Al’s never in on any of the secrets, so he innocently identifies Larry (aka Creepy man) as “your dad’s Halloween guy,” having met him earlier at Tool Time.

So now Brad and Randy are in the revenge business, and they want to bring Al into the fold. With Al on their time, Brady and Randy start weaving a web of intricate lies. Al goes to Jill and Tim “concerned” that Randy is now terrified of the basement. In the meantime, Brad is trying to make Randy look like he’s crying by squirting Visine in his eyes. In the process, he pokes him in the eye with the bottle, so the tears quickly become real.

Brad and Randy have their parents exactly where they want them, until Al accidentally refers to the creepy man as “Larry.” So they all decide to call a truce. Jill and Tim head to a Halloween party while Randy and Brad hand out candy to trick-or-treaters. Randy opens the door to two kids dressed as Buzz Lightyear and Simba and he gives one candy bar to the “space-man” and seven to the “cute little lion” because Lion King!!!

Then Larry shows up at the house again and he’s pissed because Jill & Tim didn’t pay him the full amount for his services. He looks like he’s ready to destroy Brad and Randy over $100 that they don’t have, so they head up to the attack to look for their parents secret money stash. (But he’s playing them again.)

Jill and Tim have basically turned the attic into a haunted house. Just when Randy and Brad start to get really jumpy, Jill/Tim/Mark reveals themselves as the ultimate prank victors. And Larry walks up the attic stairs to let the boys know he wasn’t really plotting to shake them down for $100.Then Al gets them back by trapping them all in the attic. Good for Al. Al needed a win.

Halloween Lesson: The family that pranks together stays together. (Unless you’re a Brady. Then that shit is strictly forbidden.)

Home Improvement: The Longest Day

April 10, 2015September 1, 2020 ~ theveryspecialblog ~ 5 Comments

This episode scares the crap out of me because JTT has to get a cancer test after his mom tells the doctor that he’s been so sleepy. And the doctor felt swelling in JTT’s neck!

I’m chronically tired and sometimes I have a lump on my neck. But I’m a 25 year-old workaholic, hypochondriac with bad allergies, so I guess we’re not in the same boat.

Anyway, Jill keeps the cancer scare from JTT because she doesn’t want to scare him until they know what they’re dealing with. But they can’t keep it from him. They’re too busy spoiling him and he notices something is up.

And it’s moments like this that remind you that JTT isn’t just charming and skating by on his good looks. He’s actually a talented actor. COME BACK TO US JTT! I’m sure there’s a place for you in one of the 75 reboots currently in the works.

Jill and next-door neighbor Wilson have a really great heart to heart about how quickly things can change in an instant. It’s not sappy at all and is genuinely moving, which means it creeps my emotions out too much to actual comment on it at this point.

Meanwhile, JTT has gone missing. Jill’s still awaiting the phone call from the doctor, while Tim goes out looking for him. He’s at the arcade. That’s probably where I would be too.

He’s pissed that his parents didn’t tell him immediately that he might have cancer. I’d probably be pissed too. It’s awful to discover that while researching it alone at the school library. (Ugh, bad parenting moment, Tim and Jill.) And then they all come together as a family, lovingly and rationally calming their child’s fears.

Okay, the pot episode was stupid. But Home Improvement may have just won The Very Special Episode with the story of how JTT got cancer.

Oh wait. But you didn’t actually think he’d get cancer did you? This is a sitcom, and that’s way too sad of a fate for our favorite 90’s idol. He’s fine! He has hypothyroidism. The end!

Very Special Lesson: Be sure to keep important facts about your children’s health out of their knowledge. That way, when they notice they feel crappy and have been to the doctor for a lot of tests, they can fear the worst without the benefit of your health and guidance.

I’ll Be Home for Christmas

December 10, 2014December 9, 2014 ~ theveryspecialblog ~ 9 Comments

So great was my JTT fever that I begged my mom to get this movie on pay-per-view, which means I saw it in like the summer. And I loved JTT so much that I wasn’t even jealous that it wasn’t Christmas in my world. I haven’t seen this movie since that pay-per-viewing. But that’s all changed now. This is viewing 2.0.

So first off here are some things that were lost on me as a kid. I didn’t understand that they were in high school. It’s pretty obvious that they are boarding school kids, but when I was an elementary school kid, I thought that I was watching a movie about college students. And I’d like to assert that it was actually a fairly reasonable assumption on my part because JTT starts off this movie by buying tickets to Cabo San Lucas for he an his girlfriend (Jessica Biel) to spend Christmas. Even as a kid, I knew that romantic holiday getaways were reserved for legal adults. Or so I thought. But like apparently JTT is such a sneaky high schooler that he actually manages to secure those tickets and a three bedroom condo on the beach. It’s a Disney movie, so that must be why there are three bedrooms for two people.

Lately, I’ve been really feeling my inner 90’s kid. I think it has something to do with the fact that my brain is like “holy crap you’ve been around for a quarter of a century and what is happening in your life??” This has led to a large desire on my part to go back to kindergarten immediately. Clearly, that is not an option, so I’ve been embracing 90’s specific nostalgia extra hardcore lately.

So with all that in mind, I have to say. This movie is so 90’s. I cannot even handle it. I am 11.5 minutes in right now and I had to pause it to take a breather. So far the following things have happened:

JTT referred to the internet as “the net”
The cool kids talked about trying to sneak into The Viper Room
Jessica Biel has a Lisa Leslie jersey on her dorm room wall
JTT helps the cool kids cheat on their exams WITH BEEPERS
People have been using so many cordless landlines!!!
Robby from 7th Heaven is hitting on Mary from 7th Heaven but it is NOT okay because she is with JTT in this movie.

So Robby (for purpose of this film, Andy) so badly wants to get with Mary (for purposes of this film, Allie) that he goes full on sociopath and sabotages JTT’s beeper cheating scam, so that he can then rally the cool kid to kidnap JTT and strand him in the middle of the desert wearing a Santa suit. I mean it’s all fun and games until someone dies in the middle of the deserts all because of a beeper cheating scam. So anyway, the reason why it’s particularly awful that JTT is stuck in the middle of nowhere as Santa is that his dad has managed to discover the Cabo San Lucas tickets and bribed JTT with a 1957 porsche if he comes home for Christmas Dinner. Moreover, he has exchanged the tickets for two plane tickets to New York (since Allie got super mad at him for trying to sneak her away to Mexico when she just wants to go home to a snowy, family-filled holiday).

When JTT doesn’t show up to go to the airport with her, Allie gets all mad at him for being a slacker. She isn’t into Andy, but he offers her a ride home and she feels like she should take it. I mean hello there is a MISSING CHILD and no one calls a police officer? See why I thought they were all adults in this movie?! When JTT finally manages to call his dad to explain his circumstances, his dad thinks he’s just making up an excuse and dragging his feet about coming home.

So from here on out when cut in between JTT trying to get to New York (for both the porsche and his girlfriend) and Andy trying to seduce Allie. Allie in this movie really reminds me of Jo from The Facts of Life, but I believe that she really does love JTT and is not in a secret lesbian relationship with her roommate. But like anyway, it’s easy to see why Andy likes her.) Also, their road trip features this non-“Barbie Girl” song by Aqua. Yep. I mean holy crap the 90’s, am I right?

Stop the presses! JTT just said “Yeah, no duh” non-ironically! And he says this while trying to reunite a police officer with his scorned wife. Oh my! But now that I’ve interrupted the flow of this commentary, I would like to ask a simple question. How come all of these teenagers are driving themselves home for the holidays? When I was in college people still had to have their parents pick them up at end of the semester. Where did all of these people get cars? They obviously come from super wealthy families. But like their parents are just like no it’s cool, honey, you drive home cross-country with a mere acquaintance and stay in multiple hotels. And I’m not even talking the obvious hanky-panky. I mean like I actually cannot fathom staying in multiple hotels as a high school senior and driving from California to New York. I would have lost my freaking mind with stress, and also I don’t think anyone would have let me into a hotel room. I think they would have called the department of social services.

Okay wtf someone just rented them the honeymoon suite! Okay, now I’m concerned about the obvious hanky-panky. He has been so creepy this entire time and now she is forced into sharing a sex-room with him?! Disney, like who are you guys?! But like I guess he is kind of sweet because she makes him wear all of his clothes (including his mittens) to make sure that he has to behave himself, and he’s totally game put everything on including winter coat and mittens. He also sleeps on top of the sheets. But that actually may have been so that he did not die of heat stroke.

Okay, so JTT does a ton of obnoxious stuff in order to try to get home, but the most ridiculous (and the only one I feel super obligated to point out) is find a weird man who is about to eat some straight up raw meat and then passing that raw meat off as a liver that needs to be donated to Allie (at a hotel room) STAT. It’s pretty hard to keep all of this from Allie (the porsche, the fake liver, etc.) and she calls him a “butthole,” which in 90’s teen-speak I think means they broke up. But this gives way to Andy and JTT getting to ride the rest of the way home together and like it’s hilarious! Omg 90’s teen stars! (Also, why do all of these people live in New York and go to school in California? The have SO much money. Why aren’t they at NMH or Phillip’s? This is such a party boarding school, isn’t it. This is like the Faber College of boarding schools, isn’t it?) I got a little distracted and anyway JTT ends up in a Santa race. Why did I get distracted? I spilled water all over my untreated wood coffee table. Why do I have an untreated wood coffee table? Because it was free on the street.

Okay, so Wikipedia says that JTT participated in the Santa race because Andy decided that he was ultimately too jealous to be nice to him/give him a ride and then JTT had to enter this race because the prize was an airline ticket and he has to get home. But it turns out that the mayor always wins the race and gives the money to the less fortunate, so JTT gives him the winnings even though he won the race.

Then JTT’s kid sister takes pity on him and buys him a plane ticket with her life sayings. (Um what happened to must be 18 or older to call?) But JTT cannot get on the plane because he doesn’t have ID. So then he like stows away in the dog kennel area I think…and manages to survive that…only to be tossed off of a metronorth train (how did he get to metronorth form the airport?!?) and then he finally makes it home by holding onto the roof of a car. Oh wait just kidding! Not home yet! Nope, he has to use a sleigh stolen from a parade for that. Well, this kid is just straight up squandering his chances of getting into a good college. But hey! He does eventually get the girl. And then he intentionally shows up late to dinner, so that his family will know that the car was not the important thing!

*Oh and by the way Robby from 7th Heaven is actually named Eddie in this movie, but I had already written 1000 words calling him Andy, so I figured it was just easier to make this note at the end of the post. Also, I didn’t know where to write about this earlier, but there’s a weird scene in which JTT removes Robby/Eddie/Andy’s towel in the hotel room in what I guess is supposed to be an inappropriate power play, but also isn’t showing your girlfriend some other guy’s naked body like probably not the best move?

Very Special Lesson: JTT just commands an audience man! He’s so fun to watch. Sorry he wanted to leave acting and like study and get degrees and stuff. But he’s probably a better person for it. We should all strive to be more like JTT. And I think also something like home is for the holidays and cars aren’t as important as people?

Also, shout out to *Nsync for providing the credits music. They made a great holiday album guys.

I feel like I just wrote an Opus. Did any of you make it this far?

Home Improvement: What a Drag

November 13, 2014April 9, 2015 ~ theveryspecialblog ~ 5 Comments

Home Improvement was not a show known for high drama or life lessons. It was pretty much a ridiculous (ridiculously hilarious) show about an incompetent handyman and his witty family. But (as you well know) it’s not an 80’s/90’s sitcom without a very special episode.

Can you guess what this episode is about based on the title?

That’s right, ladies and gentlemen, this episode is about weed! During an on-location shoot for Tool Time (the show with in a show) Tim scales a tree in his backyard to demonstrate the hazards a blizzard can take on suburban homes. Turns out blizzards also damage trees, and Tim (the incompetent handyman) falls into the rough of his gazebo/all of the wooden lawn furniture.

As Tim and his sidekick, Al, are sifting through the wreckage, Al finds a baggie of “oregano” that he assumes Jill (Tim’s wife) keeps outside in the cold to maintain optimum freshness. Tim tells Al that what he’s holding is a bag of weed, and Al freaks out because his “prints are on the bag.” Naturally, at this point the only thing to do is to stage a stakeout behind next door neighbor Wilson’s fence. Wilson expresses his shock that drugs were found in his very own neighborhood because he has only ever heard about “kids and drugs in the newspaper.” Clearly, Jill and Tim are the only adults in this show who are edgy enough to have any experience with illegal substances. After a Friday night spent in ten degree weather, Jill and Tim finally see their eldest son Brad go into the gazebo to retrieve the pot.

After lecturing Brad on how pot could ruin his whole life, they send him up to his room while they figure out how to deal with them. But Jill is left reeling because Brad accused them of being hypocrites since they probably smoked too when they were his age. Tim is all like no way all I did was drink beer! but Jill is all like omg I smoked so much pot. I should have helped my son learn from my errors. Then Jonathan Taylor Thomas (as middle child Randy) accidentally stumbles onto his parents freaking out. At which point his dad accuses him of smoking too, and JTT is all like “what no way!” and he really means it because JTT is a golden boy and above the influence and funny and the greatest 90’s heartthrob ever.

So then JTT goes upstairs to talk to Brad because he’s shocked that Brad smoked and he didn’t even know it. The Brad is all shocked that JTT has not smoked and JTT is like clearly too intellectual to get high and then have pseudo-intellectual conversations. Then you hardly see JTT anymore for the rest of the episode because you can tell by this point in the show’s run that he’s pretty much over acting and ready to enroll in Harvard.

Finally, Jill and Tim agree that the best way to handle Brad is to come clean about their own experiences (and ground him for months). As it turns out, Jill was a huge pothead in high school. One time she went to a Led Zeppelin concert, smoked some pot laced with something weird, and ended up in the ER thinking that her name was Charlene Fogelman. Personally, I think that sounds horrifying and like a terrible waste of a Led Zeppelin concert. I’m also glad that this stuff is slowly getting legalized, so that people in real life will be able to purchase from reliable (legal) sources that don’t mix PCP into their product. But I digress. After this, Jill ends up in jail and Tim has to bail her out because her parents won’t even speak to her. How lucky is Jill that she was still a minor, right? I don’t even think we could have Home Improvement if Jill had been a mom with a criminal record! It would have been like Orange is the New Improvement. Ultimately, Brad decides that smoking pot is not worth the risk of his soccer scholarship. Well, like no shit it isn’t.