JEM: The Movie You Never Asked For

Somewhere in the back of my mind, I knew this was happening. But it seemed so ridiculous that I thought it would die in pre-production. And while I always want to give a movie cool points for securing Juliette Lewis, this trailer reminds me of Hannah Montana mashed up with the Josie and the Pussycats movie. In the words, of Buzzfeed Top Commentor, Ze Ofdensen: “Fuck this movie. I watched an episode of Jem today on Discovery Kids and THIS.IS.NOT.JEM.”

Clarissa Doesn’t Explain It All

It’s spreading like the plague that will inevitably cause the Zombie Apocalypse. Clarissa Explains It All will be rebooted as a novel, in which Clarissa does not have all of the answers.

I can’t handle Clarissa having a quarter-life crisis. It sounds like she’s having a quarter-life crisis from the book description. :/

The fun of Clarissa Explains It All is that you really do think you have everything figured out when you’re fourteen. And maybe at fourteen, in your small pocket of the world, for like two-seconds, you do have it all figured out. I mean who is going to barge into your room and tell you that your assessment of school newspaper politics isn’t the most important thing in the world? You’re cool neighbor Sam? Yeah, right. He’s too chill to start an argument.

Clarissa, can you please explain the cultural zeitgeist that is happening right now?? What will I tell my children when we watch reruns together? My parents got to say things like “This is M*A*S*H. You don’t even understand how good this is.” And I would laugh along like I did understand, but I didn’t. I was pretending until I was old enough to actually get it.

But I will have to tell my children, “This is a continuation of a series that began thirty years earlier and you need to see twelve seasons prior to this one before understanding what’s going on here.” Or worse. I will Little Rascals-them about everything. Of course, I am referring to how my parents shamed my love of The Little Rascals movie because it wasn’t the “real” Little Rascals/Our Gang/I totally get what they were saying now and I’m going to be just as obnoxious to my children.

I’m probably going to pre-order this Clarissa book though. Let’s be real.