Mrs. Potts
Month: October 2015
BraveStarr: The Price
First of all, I would like to thank very special reader, DT Nova, for informing me that this exists. From the title alone, I would have expected it to be some weird 70’s porno and thus we would never have had this post. This post is brought to you by the Arthur Vining Davis Foundation, the Pew Charitable Trusts, and by readers like you (well, actually only the last one).
Looking at this as a total outsider/new viewer, I would say that BraveStarr kind of throws a Jem vibe–except if Jem were filled with cultural misappropriation. So basically they live in a futuristic space-cowboy land. It’s a space-version of the wild west complete with fringed tops and bolo ties. And BraveStarr is the marshall of this space town.
Things get pretty intense pretty quickly. Like 3 minutes into the show, some dude is flipping out and ready to kill everyone because he thinks there are spiders everywhere. There’s also a line that I swear sounds like “You want to eat me, but I’ll let you.” What is the rating on this? Am I old enough to be watching this?
So then Bravestarr’s horse/partner restrains the hallucinating guy, who is apparently high on a drug called “Spin.” All’s well, right? Nope. We cut to a personified wolf selling Spin to kids. They probably trust him because of his British accent and three-piece suit, but one of them is smart enough not to let him pour the effervescent/seemingly on fire liquid that is “Spin” into the palm of his hand.
Yep, that’s how you do Spin, kids. A creepy wolf-man will pour some magic liquid into your palm, and nope you are not yet high on drugs. I will say that this episode is probably the best personification of the “drugs as black magic” motif that seemed to haunt all of my “educational” anti-drug lessons as a child.
With each passing moment, the people of space-cowboy-town are dying from the Spin epidemic. The little kid who was like hell no, I am not doing Spin, almost tells the marshall about the wolf-man pusher. But he remembers that he promised he wouldn’t tell. So then his friend keeps doing drugs, and then he starts to speak in a creepy voice. He literally sounds like he has had a lobotomy and like spin is the only word he can remember how to accurately pronounce.
But the straight-edge friend is still trying to keep his promise, so he leaves his friend to hallucinate alone in a room while he goes off to think. The kid’s just kind of like well, my friend is in trouble but I promised I would keep a secret. But he might die. And the shaman is like promises are important but so are lives. And the kid is like omg, yeah! But he doesn’t tell the shaman. Instead, he runs off to find BraveStarr but he just narrowly misses him. See, it seems like maybe he should have told the shaman.
OH my gosh those wolves are dingoes! Okay, so are we in Australia? I’m not sure exactly what’s going on with this galaxy, but BraveStarr arrests a lot of dingoes for selling Spin. Finally, the kid gets in touch with BraveStarr and they try to save his friend, but it’s too late. This death is supposed to remind us all not to do drugs. But I feel like maybe it’s just reminding me not to take weird liquid from a wolf-man. I’m pretty sure that I would never do that anyway.
Very Special Lesson: I feel like I should let you watch this PSA for yourselves:
Family Matters: Stevil
This episode is terrifying. It’s so abnormal for Family Matters to pull something like this that they had to have Steve warn the audience that this episode is “a little scary” (a.k.a. get the kids out of the room, or they will all have nightmares forever). Well, I was a kid that was not removed from the room, and thus ventriloquist dummies have been horrifying to me ever since. Today, I conquer that fear.
Steve makes a ventriloquist dummy that looks exactly like him. But he sucks at being a ventriloquist. So he goes to bed feeling dejected, and in the night lightning/a demon spirit strikes the dummy and he basically becomes the spawn of Satan. You know, good clean Halloween fun.
Steve wakes up in the night and the dummy speaks to him in the most frightening voice I can imagine. It’s second only in scariness to a Furby when the batteries start to die. (I even removed the batteries from mine and it still talked!!! So I locked it in a cabinet for years because it was obviously evil.) Steve tries to tell everyone about the demon in their house, but no one believes him.
Then we learn that apparently this only happened because Steve wished that the dummy could talk. Also, the dummy hates the Winslows and pretty much wants to murder all of them. And by pretty much I mean literally. Wtf. This is a family show. It’s called Family Matters. You can’t just have creepy dummies murdering the family puts the family in Family Matters.
Blissfully unaware, the two youngest Winslows head out to trick-or-treat as Michael Jordan and Scottie Pippin. Carl warns them not to eat any of it until he has time to inspect it because everyone was worried about razor blades in candy in the 90’s. Anyway, Steve thinks they’re all safe because he’s locked Stevil away (just like my Furby), only Stevil finds a way out of his prison!
He sneaks down the chimney and tricks poor, dumb Eddie into thinking he’s Santa. Then he straight up kills him. One of the Winslows is already dead! Then Stevil chops Laura up into pieces and puts her body in all of the kitchen cabinets. It’s horrible, but she can still talk and quip and I guess that’s somehow supposed to make us feel better. But it doesn’t make us feel better! It makes us think that we could be chopped into pieces and live to tell about it as a decapitated person. Ugh!
But the worst, the absolute worst, is when Stevil turns Harriet into a jack-in-the-box. Like this is actually going to give me nightmares right now at 25 and I have no shame in that. So then, Steve goes into the living room to tell Carl that Stevil has dismembered literally everyone in his family.
And Carl laughs. He doesn’t believe him. It’s all so ridiculous. He tells Steve to lighten up. AND THEN IT TURNS OUT THAT CARL IS STEVIL’S VENTRILOQUIST DUMMY. The only thing left to do is for Steve to physically fight Stevil, which is surprisingly hard. I mean Steve doesn’t have the best hand-eye coordinator, and for a while it seems like Stevil will probably win this fight.
But then Steve rips off Stevil’s head and dismembers him like Stevil did to the Winslows. But then Stevil’s body parts find all of their missing pieces and reconnect. And like basically at this point, if I were Steve, I’d pretty much decide I was doomed. But then Steve wakes up and it’s just a dream. (Ah, yes. The dream trope.) And then Eddie threatens to lobotomize Steve with a hand-mixer. But that’s just a dream too! So then Steve wakes up for real and he and Eddie go off to have a nice day and the dummy is just a dummy.
VERY Early Halloween Lesson: But, like do you guys think I should call my dad and warn him about the Furby that’s locked in a cabinet in my childhood bedroom?
Bye forever, crafts.
Tonight, I decided to give up crafting for good. I used to have a knack for it, but something’s gone wrong. When I was trying to make a pop-up book scene with Tanya Harding and Nancy Kerrigan warming up for the ’94 Lillehammer Olympics, I realized I was out of my league. Nancy was fine and moved along her little figure skating track with poise and ease. But Tanya’s glue got stuck on the edge of the track, and when I tried to move her piece across the page, she ripped the whole bottom of the rink. She’s always having problems. I tried to glue everything back together, but all hope was lost. And honestly, it didn’t match my vision to begin with. I’m pretty sure I’ve got the crafting yips, so I’m just going to give up and point. I’m not even going to fail gracefully or persevere until the job is done. And you know what, I’d also like to apologize to Tanya Harding. Even in pop-up books, I’ve managed to create a world where the odds were stacked against her.
But before, I go. I’d like to share with you my swan song. Oh, how I wish it had all ended here and that I hadn’t tried to follow it up with an overly ambitious task prompted by having too much card stock. As Tanya knows, ambition can make us do stupid things. But let’s now remember a time, last week, when things were simpler and I still felt skilled and adept with my use of craft products. I give you my final achievement: The Ms. Pac-Man Flower Vase:
And now I’m going to sulk myself to sleep.
The Very Special Blog 