It’s been 29 years and 90 seconds into this show and I still want to punch Joey in the face. He’s wearing a onesy and already doing some kind of weird voice that is somewhat reminiscent of the wood chuck. Or is the wood chuck? I don’t know.

We see all of the original adults first before we meet the “new adults” (a.k.a. the “old kids”). Here’s what they are up to:
-Joey is doing absolutely nothing (okay actually he’s doing comedy at the Venetian and “kicking Carrot Top’s butt.” Great. Now, I hate Joey even more because Carrot Top is one of my biggest fears, we’re talking actual NIGHTMARES that this dude has haunted in my life. And Joey has just reminded me all over again!)
-Rebecca and Danny are about to start hosting a nationally syndicated morning talk show in LA
-Jesse is going to be in charge of music for General Hospital (hah John Stamos on General Hospital hahaha so clever. Gag me with a spoon.)

Then DJ and Stephanie start taking over the show and want to know where Michelle is. Their dad says she’s too busy running her fashion empire and then everyone stares down the camera. Talk about an incredibly weird way to break the fourth-wall. It’s so awkward.

So here’s what the new adults are up to:
-DJ Tanner is a veterinarian
-Stephanie is a musician (called it). Actually, she’s a dj called “DJ Tanner.” Uh, okay.
-Kimmy is really weird and I’m not really sure what her job is but she’s like talking about not having ever dropped acid but having once taken an antacid…what? I don’t know but she’s actually for once less annoying than Stephanie who will NOT stop doing a really terrible fake British accent for what, I believe, is meant to be comedy.

Then Kimmy Gibbler puts her feet on the table and Steph says, “How rude!” I’d like to give her props for very naturally making a catch phrase happen again after 20 years, but mostly I’m just realized that this has “snapped” her out of her British accent. (So apparently it wasn’t “fake” and she was stuck in it because of all her her time spent in England…omg…)

The best part of this show is the credits. Carly Rae Jepsen is amazing AS ALWAYS! And the opening credits for the new leads are super adorable. The opening credits for the old leads are split screen shots of them doing exactly what they did 20 years ago in the opening credits, next to the original opening credits from 20 years ago. So basically you get to see how much Lori Loughlin and John Stamos have not aged at all–Bob Saget and Dave Coulier…well they look a bit different…

Anyway, everyone goes to the party that DJ Tanner (Stephanie) is dj-ing it, except for Joey. He needs to prove his usefulness, so he stays home with infant Tommy.

OMG IT’S THAT DAMN WOODCHUCK. He stayed home so he could play with that damn woodchuck! Also, is that a wedding band on Joey’s finger? Someone married that dude? Hm…

Tommy is now sobbing because the woodchuck is terrifying. I mean, your instincts are dead on, kid. I too think this is horrible, and even more so if I was an infant with a 55 year old man I barely knew crouched by my crib with a GIANT puppet and using a creepy-voice-from-hell to make the woodchuck “talk.”

Oh wait…the party is in the living room? So yeah, everyone gets to go to the party. Once Joey is done terrifying the baby, even he goes to the party. Kimmy’s ex-husband stops by to drop of their child (Ramona). He’s pretty hot and still really into Kimmy and no one can understand why. Apparently, she’s really good in bed. Well, good for her. It’s high time that Kimmy Gibbler found her niche.

Steph plays New Kids on the Block and all of the girls get excited before they even know what song it is. Luckily, it’s “The Right Stuff”–the only New Kids song worth getting excited about. But then they stop it after 30 seconds, so I guess this show couldn’t afford the full royalties and had to settle for the public use sample.

DJ’s ex boyfriend shows up and tells THE RECENT WIDOW that he’s ready to start dating again whenever she’s ready??????? He says it nicely but this is so madly inappropriate. But he does explain how they get their new puppy. Apparently, he’s the owner of a pregnant Comet Jr, jr.

I know I called this too, but I didn’t think it would happen quite so soon.

Jesse and Becky’s kids are kind of cute now. And they’re not trying to force them in front of the camera now that they’re adults, so I don’t really hate them anymore.

Then they all make Jesse sing “Forever” and the entire party sings backup in perfect harmony. But then Bob Saget takes over and sings “Wild Thing,” which is actually the funniest thing to happen on Fuller House to date. (I should mention that it’s not that funny, but luckily this is only the first episode).

When DJ is giving Steve all of the leftover food from the party, he takes this as another opportunity to mention that they should be together. He even (badly) sings “Forever” to her and says he should have asked her to marry him at the prom.

Anyway, in case you are still at all interested, Steve is a divorced podiatrist. And we also learn that Kimmy has apparently been spying on a naked Danny from her 2nd story window for years. I could have done without knowing that.

So then Comet Jr, jr. has her puppies and DJ has to help birth them. The biggest difference in the setup of the original show vs. the new show is that DJ refuses to ask for help. Danny knew he was overwhelmed and called in a favor from his friends/family. But DJ feels that she’s responsible and has to do everything herself–ah, the struggles of being a woman.

But the family overhears her crying and talking to Tommy on the baby monitor, so Danny decides to give up his talk show and stay and help. Actually, all the adults agree to help. And Joey is wayyyy to ready to move back in. But Jesse still wants to live in LA hah. Steph and Kimmy decide to stay and help out even though DJ says she’s fine. Steph tells the original adults that it’s the younger adults’ responsibility now and they should live their own LA lives. And thus, there is Fuller House!

This acting is a bit stilted. The original leads are strong as ever, but they’ve been acting ever since the first show ended. Jodi Sweetin is probably the strongest of the new leads, but Candace Cameron Bure is most comfortable when directly relating to the kids on the show. Since she’s a mom in real life, I’m guessing this is the more natural acting for her. But she might fall back into it. Andrea Barber is still funny, but she admitted that she hasn’t acted in a while and felt a bit rusty…I mean you can kind of tell but we’ll see how it goes.

Also, DJ’s middle son (who is basically a mini Danny Tanner) is the only kid who I find entertaining at this point. There’s some kind of mild flirtation happening between Ramona and Dj’s oldest son, whatever his name is. But otherwise, I feel like they don’t have characters yet.

Oh well, I enjoyed this more than Girl Meets World.