It’s another Christmas Eve at the Tanner house. And this year Michelle has gotten the perfect gift for Danny: a party tie with built in cup holder! But when she see’s that Aunt Becky has bought the same tie for Joey as a “gag gift” and Danny thinks it’s awful, she’s totally crushed. I mean this is the stuff of early-childhood emotional scarring.
So let me just say here, in defense of the party tie: I for one would love to have a hands-free cup holder at just about every function or event on the planet. If you’re holing a drink, you’re still forced to make idle chit-chat. But if you have a hands-free cup holder, then you can stuff your face with snacks and not have to talk to people that you don’t want to hang out with. Then when you get super thirsty from all of the snacks, you’re drink is right there in front of you! But I do have to say that this tie looks a little heavy and may create a choking hazard. So like…use at your own risk.
Uncle Jesse catches Michelle trying to burn her gift in the fireplace. Oh my gosh, danger on the Full House set! But she guilts him in to taking her to the store to buy a replacement gift, so she perks up pretty quickly. But Mickey Rooney owns the store that she bought the gift from and he gives her a hard time about not having her receipt.
When he won’t let her exchange the gift, even though he recognizes her from when she made the purchase earlier, Jesse decides to conduct an “even exchange” of his own. He puts the ugly tie on the counter and takes an item of equal value. But Mickey Rooney locks them in the store and calls the cops.
But the police aren’t really coming. He’s just a lonely old man and he’s sad on Christmas. Then Jesse decides to tell him how important family is, which is obviously the most dickish thing on the planet he could do right now. But luckily, Michelle is there to help manage the situation. She invites their would-be kidnapper over to their house for dinner. That’s really nice, but then again this dude held them against there will not twenty minutes ago and is obviously a little unbalanced.
Then Jesse forces Mickey Rooney to call his family because he’s a meddler. He’s just lucky that this doesn’t backfire horribly.
Oh and then cool, new gift that Michelle bought Danny? An electric toothbrush that plays “Deck the Halls.”
Well, actually. I kind of want that now.
Very Special Lesson: When it comes to gift giving, it’s the thought that counts but not really.
I looked at my stats and my most popular post ever is The Facts of Life: The First Time. So in honor of all of you being perverts, I’ve decided to cover another episode about virginity loss.
Before, Kirk Cameron was an evangelical Christian, he was just a teenage actor who played a character who contemplated losing his virginity to a girl (Dana Plato, may she rest in peace) who dresses exactly like Madonna (this episode aired the same year Like A Virgin was released).
This “Madonna girl” is named Lisa and she just broke up with her twenty-seven year old boyfriend. She calls Maggie “Maggie” instead of Mrs. Seaver, and Carol slut shames her for wearing a lace top. Then Maggie calls her a tramp for dating a twenty-seven year old instead of a fifteen year old–someone her own age. Good Lord, how far we’ve come in 30 years. I feel like at least now this episode would focus on like calling the police on the statutory rapist and improving that girl’s self-esteem, while also keeping Mike safely away from her because she is “troubled.”
Lisa invites Mike on a date, but Mike has to babysit Ben & Carol…uh, isn’t Carol like 1 year younger than Mike and like 22 years more mature?? Oh well, since Mike has to babysit then Lisa agrees to hang out at the Seaver house with him.
Maggie gets all freaked out and wants to stay home instead of going out to dinner with Jason and friends. Jason tries to reassure her that they have raised Mike right and even if they haven’t, there’s not much she can do to stop him from having a good time with the ladies. Feeling marginally better, Maggie agrees to go out to dinner. And that’s when Lisa shows up in the full-on wedding dress from “Like a Virgin.”
Lisa gets Mike to give her a tour of the house and then she only wants to hang out in the guest bedroom. So then Dana Plato tries to seduce Kirk Cameron, which is kind of funny in retrospect. Realizing that he’s in way over his head Mike tries the following diversions following this kiss:
Saying, “So how bout that Social Studies test?”
Riding his parents stationary bike while claiming, very unconvincingly, not to be a virgin.
And then we don’t get to see anything else because the camera zooms in on a picture of Maggie holding baby Mike.
So then Maggie and Jason come home and Mike’s all in a funk. Maggie tries to nonchalantly ask how things went with Lisa, but Mike sees through her rouse and yells at her that nothing happened. He feels like a loser, but it turns out that he doesn’t really like Lisa that much. Like they basically just like each other in the sense that they would both be sad if the other got hit by a truck. And Maggie tells him that he shouldn’t feel bad about “wimping out” on “sharing something very special with someone whose face you wouldn’t want to see on the grill of an eighteen wheeler.”
Also, the B plot of this episode is that Ben kills Carol’s plant by accident. Not your finest work, Growing Pains.
And then then episode ends with Mike riding the stationary bike in the guest room so like I don’t know if we’re supposed to read into that at all or not, but yeah.
Very Special Lesson: Don’t lose your virginity to someone who you only wouldn’t want to see hit by a truck. But also, don’t lose your virginity to someone who you would want to see hit by a truck. And for followers of present-day Kirk Cameron, don’t lose your virginity.
If you were a girl child in the 90’s, you lived for the direct-to-video release of an MK & A party.
Each 30-minute party let you live out your bff fantasies as they played directly to the camera, a.k.a. totally looking right at you because you are bffs and they invited YOU to their party.
But which parties were the best?
Which could you skip out on and which could you not afford to miss?
Fear not friends, The Very Special Blog now contains the definitive ranking of the You’re Invited series:
10. You’re Invited to Mary-Kate & Ashley’s Costume Party (1998)
This one is really just plain boring. They basically play dress-up the entire time and are like “oooh this is an outfit from the 50’s.” The songs are super-grating even for an MK&A special. I feel like this one was just filler for them to stay on schedule with releasing these VHS tapes.
9. You’re Invited to Mary-Kate & Ashley’s Birthday Party (1997)
This one is cute, but there’s not much to it. (Well, there’s not much to any of these, but that means there’s even less going on in this one.) The twins have invited their friends over to celebrate their birthday, but they’ve forgotten to make any plans for the party. Like how did you even let it get to this point, girls?? So they spend their time fantasizing about what they can throw together, only to end up going to Six Flags instead.
8. You’re Invited to Mary-Kate & Ashley’s Hawaiian Beach Party (1996)
This one is primarily just scenes of Hawaii, which makes me really jealous. The songs are much less annoying than some of the other episodes, thankfully. But ultimately, all this episode will do is make you sad you’re not splashing around in the Pacific.
7. You’re Invited to Mary-Kate & Ashley’s Mall Party (1997)
This is pretty much just one big commercial for the Mall of America. But nothing was cooler than the Mall in the 90’s and the Mall of America was the king of all that. Plus, they’re like actually doing things in the mall. So much of this series is just like “I’m singing a song about doing this thing! And I’m doing some lame choreography!” (which I loved as an eight year-old, so seriously no hate.) But in this episode the girls like destroy some boys from school in mini-golf and then they perform with their band for the entire mall. Pretty sweet.
6. You’re Invited to Mary-Kate & Ashley’s Christmas Party (1997)
It’s really hard to mess up Christmas. There’s some bad remixes of classic songs, but there are also a lot, a lot of cookies to make up for that. And there’s a song dedicated to skiing. This episode has made me long for winter and I probably ranked it higher than I should have because I love Christmas.
5. You’re Invited to Mary-Kate & Ashley’s Fashion Party (1999)
I’d like to think the twins pushed for this plot line because they were already budding-designers, over the whole acting thing. One of their friends has an older sister who gives them a tour of her college, Fashion Institute of Design & Merchandising. Then MK&A get to be in a fashion show. They also start sketching their own designs and learn about how clothing is constructed. I feel like they seem to be genuinely more interested in this than like any other episode, which makes sense because that’s how they make their living these days. Also, it is the 90’s so Mary-Kate’s fashion show outfit is one of those cultural appropriating “Chinese Dresses” that everyone liked to wear. Thankfully, they didn’t give her one of those purses fashioned in the style of a take-out box.
4. You’re Invited to Mary-Kate & Ashley’s School Dance Party (2000)
Points for this one actually having a plot. MK&A are stressing because of the school dance. Ashley is worried that her boyfriend will be voted king of SpringDance.com (the title of the event) without her being voted queen, and Mary-Kate is trying to ask out the bad-boy of jr. high. They sing a really, really terrible “rap song.” The choreography is horrible and it seems like everyone learned it at the last minute and can hardly remember the pacing. Also, they must have recruited the supporting cast from Disney because the mermaid kid from The Thirteen Year and the mean-girl from Zenon are both in this. At this point, it’s undeniable that the Olsen Twins are not singers and it’s no longer cute to hear them sing simple songs. You can also tell this must have been an entirely contractual obligation and they do not want to make this video.
3. You’re Invited to Mary-Kate & Ashley’s Camp Out Party (1998)
In this episode, Mary-Kate shows all of her friends that nature can be fun. Everyone is like really bad at fishing and co-existing with bugs, but she gradually wins them over with some butterfly chasing and marshmallows. Then they get scared of shadows outside their tent and decide to go sit by the fire (after we endure another awful song). Then they get freaked out by noises as they sit by the fire and run back into the tent without putting out the fire. I’m freaking out on behalf of the viewers-at-home by this point, until their mom yells at them to go to bed and says their dad is putting out the fire. It turns out they’ve been camping out in the backyard this whole time. I still think they deserve a lecture from Smokey the Bear on this one though.
2. You’re Invited to Mary-Kate & Ashley’s Ballet Party (1997)
This one is just so sweet. The ballet numbers are adorable and the songs are 72,000 times better than the rest of the series. Mary-Kate and Ashley take a trip to Lincoln Center to practice ballet and there are some legit ballerinas that you get to see dance too. Also, MK & A are much better at dancing than they are signing. They must kind of like ballet too because they seem a lot more invested in selling this than their lame-choreography in the rest of the series.
1. You’re Invited to Mary-Kate & Ashley’s Sleepover Party (1995)
The one that started it all is clearly the best You’re Invited episode. This one is just adorable and makes me miss sleepovers. Maybe when I get married, I’ll have a sleepover bachelorette party instead of going out to bars wearing a bachelorette sash and being harassed by creepers. Anyway, this episode is sweet and has pretty decent music. I mean there’s still some weird stuff. Like one girl wants to put a raw fish on their pizza and they make the black girl wear a Tina Turner wig in this episode:
You know you’ve found a very special episode when the dialogue uses words like “you’re special” and “I feel special” in an entirely non-ironic manner. As much as I expect to watch an episode of this show and feel overwhelmed by cheese and predicability, it’s so often not the case. I don’t know why I’m surprised by this, as someone who regularly blogs about Full House. But the Brady’s are just so nice that you think hey it might be kind of fun to have a large blended family and never have a room to myself or a moment alone.
Anyways, the best part of this show is clearly Eve Plumb. She’s the kind of kid that you feel like would actually be a bummed out middle sister. And yep, that’s the episode we’re talking about here. (I guess the broken nose episode is also full of very special lessons but Marcia, Marcia, Marcia so no.) If you’re not familiar with this very special classic, Jan starts off the episode being mopey and lonely and unnoticed by her parents. She’s all bummed because Carol & Mike have taken the other girls to fun activities, and this is a gender-divided household so God-forbidden she see what her brother’s are up to.
Marcia making a snide comment to Cindy has to how it’s no mystery as to who sent the locket because only ONE boy likes Jan.
Lucky for mopey Jan, she receives a present in the mail from a secret admirer. It’s a locket. Suddenly all of the Brady’s turn into private investigators and try to get to the bottom of this message. They’re sneaking around, checking typewriter font, analyzing postmarks, and everything you could possible imagine. Things reach a fever pitch when Jan loses the necklace and everyone reenacts their exact actions at the time of the “theft.” It makes you wonder a. how much time do these adults have on their hands? and b. how could Jan possibly feel like she’s “nothing special” when 8 people are suddenly dropping everything to solve a mystery for you?
But I guess that’s the whole point as to why Alice sent her the locket in the first place (whoops 40 year old spoiler). Alice was a middle sister too and she recognizes that it’s kind of the pits, so she wanted to send Jan a present to let her know she’s special. And then it’s a really cool secret between housekeeper and ward for the rest of eternity.
Very Special Lesson: Sometimes we need a little mystery to get a little attention to remind ourselves that we’re work paying attention to. (Is that a sentence? I’ve been working like twelve hours a day since I started this new job. I refuse to proof read at this point.)
Topanga spends Christmas with the Matthews and is basically the worst houseguest ever. I know she’s known Cory since like birth, but doesn’t she even want to try a little bit to not totally piss off his parents? Isn’t she like looking to one day marry this guy? She brazenly changes out all of their Christmas traditions with her own. She makes them drive six hundred miles to Vermont to get an evergreen instead of the aluminum tree that they have used for the past twenty years. She scorns their eggnog and sends them on a mission to get hot mulled cider. She even brings her own tree topper, a snowy white angel, instead of their cardboard macaroni noodle star.
Meanwhile, Shawn and long lost brother Jack are trying to figure out what they have in common. They accidentally discover that they both like iceskating and everything is just fine. They leave Cory sitting on their couch alone, and he falls asleep to dram A Christmas Carol-style. He has left Topanga on Christmas Eve (which is a douche move even though she was being insufferable). She says she will be waiting for him at his parents’ house, but Cory remains at Shawn’s nevertheless.
Here’s what happens in Cory’s dream:
He and Eric live in Shawn and Jack’s old apartment. He’s very fat because all he eats now is the last meal that Topanga ever made for him: Christmas tree pancakes, no syrup, dusted with powdered sugar. Eric is bald (sad).
Topanga and Jack are happily married in suburbia. They have three kids, open presents on Christmas Eve (not like Cory’s family), but they do have an aluminum tree. (She is capable of compromise!)
Cory wakes up from his dream and delivers the promise ring to Topanga. OMG she also gives him a promise ring for Christmas! I feel like in real life Cory’s parents would have been like don’t come to our home and ruin our traditions way before things ever got to this point.
Very Special Christmas Lesson: When you love someone, you start to make your own traditions. And sometimes that means having an aluminum tree.
I haven’t watched Saturday NIght Live in years. I stopped watching at a certain point because I felt like it started to suck terribly, and I honestly cannot say whether or not it has gotten any better. However, I do catch a clip from time to time andI love Chris Pratt (and very special episodes), so I felt that I had to share this! It’s like three weeks old, so you may have already seen it. If you haven’t, check it out:
Uncle Jesse catches Michelle trying to burn her gift in the fireplace. Oh my gosh, danger on the Full House set! But she guilts him in to taking her to the store to buy a replacement gift, so she perks up pretty quickly. But Mickey Rooney owns the store that she bought the gift from and he gives her a hard time about not having her receipt.
Then Jesse forces Mickey Rooney to call his family because he’s a meddler. He’s just lucky that this doesn’t backfire horribly.
10. You’re Invited to Mary-Kate & Ashley’s Costume Party (1998)
7. You’re Invited to Mary-Kate & Ashley’s Mall Party (1997)
5. You’re Invited to Mary-Kate & Ashley’s Fashion Party (1999)
4. You’re Invited to Mary-Kate & Ashley’s School Dance Party (2000)
3. You’re Invited to Mary-Kate & Ashley’s Camp Out Party (1998) 
2. You’re Invited to Mary-Kate & Ashley’s Ballet Party (1997)
The Very Special Blog 