I looked at my stats and my most popular post ever is The Facts of Life: The First Time. So in honor of all of you being perverts, I’ve decided to cover another episode about virginity loss.

Before, Kirk Cameron was an evangelical Christian, he was just a teenage actor who played a character who contemplated losing his virginity to a girl (Dana Plato, may she rest in peace) who dresses exactly like Madonna (this episode aired the same year Like A Virgin was released).

This “Madonna girl” is named Lisa and she just broke up with her twenty-seven year old boyfriend. She calls Maggie “Maggie” instead of Mrs. Seaver, and Carol slut shames her for wearing a lace top. Then Maggie calls her a tramp for dating a twenty-seven year old instead of a fifteen year old–someone her own age. Good Lord, how far we’ve come in 30 years. I feel like at least now this episode would focus on like calling the police on the statutory rapist and improving that girl’s self-esteem, while also keeping Mike safely away from her because she is “troubled.”

Lisa invites Mike on a date, but Mike has to babysit Ben & Carol…uh, isn’t Carol like 1 year younger than Mike and like 22 years more mature?? Oh well, since Mike has to babysit then Lisa agrees to hang out at the Seaver house with him.

Maggie gets all freaked out and wants to stay home instead of going out to dinner with Jason and friends. Jason tries to reassure her that they have raised Mike right and even if they haven’t, there’s not much she can do to stop him from having a good time with the ladies. Feeling marginally better, Maggie agrees to go out to dinner. And that’s when Lisa shows up in the full-on wedding dress from “Like a Virgin.”

Lisa gets Mike to give her a tour of the house and then she only wants to hang out in the guest bedroom. So then Dana Plato tries to seduce Kirk Cameron, which is kind of funny in retrospect. Realizing that he’s in way over his head Mike tries the following diversions following this kiss:

1. Saying, “So how bout that Social Studies test?”
2. Riding his parents stationary bike while claiming, very unconvincingly, not to be a virgin.
3. And then we don’t get to see anything else because the camera zooms in on a picture of Maggie holding baby Mike.

So then Maggie and Jason come home and Mike’s all in a funk. Maggie tries to nonchalantly ask how things went with Lisa, but Mike sees through her rouse and yells at her that nothing happened. He feels like a loser, but it turns out that he doesn’t really like Lisa that much. Like they basically just like each other in the sense that they would both be sad if the other got hit by a truck. And Maggie tells him that he shouldn’t feel bad about  “wimping out” on “sharing something very special with someone whose face you wouldn’t want to see on the grill of an eighteen wheeler.”

Also, the B plot of this episode is that Ben kills Carol’s plant by accident. Not your finest work, Growing Pains.

And then then episode ends with Mike riding the stationary bike in the guest room so like I don’t know if we’re supposed to read into that at all or not, but yeah.

Very Special Lesson: Don’t lose your virginity to someone who you only wouldn’t want to see hit by a truck. But also, don’t lose your virginity to someone who you would want to see hit by a truck. And for followers of present-day Kirk Cameron, don’t lose your virginity.