Remington Steele: Dancer, Prancer, Donner and Steele

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Hello! We’re still a couple of days out from A Very Special Holiday Season, but I’ve got an early edition (addition, actually) for you! I am participating in You Knew My Name: The Bond Not Bond Blogathon with Remington Steele‘s Christmas episode, “Dance, Prancer, Donner and Steele.” The rules of the blogathon are that you pick an actor that played Bond but write about a non-Bond entry on his resume. So I picked Pierce Brosnan, of course.

Full disclosure: I have never in my life seen an episode of Remington Steele, but I must have seen it on I Love the 80’s or something because I do know the premise. For the unfamiliar, here’s a brief summary: a female private investigator, Laura, has her own agency but no one trusts her competency because misogyny. She invents a fake boss named Remington Steele and a former con artist, played by Pierce Brosnan, assumes his identity. Mystery-solving and flirtation ensues. For what it’s worth, Remington has a lot of low key Bond energy. (The show even prevented Brosnan from assuming the role as planned in The Living Daylights.)

In this episode, the agency is having an “open house” holiday party, but Pierce/Remington is moping in his office instead of partying because it’s 97 degrees on Christmas Eve. I assume we’re in like LA or something where maybe that’s normal? IDK I’m an east coaster, but 97 degrees on Christmas is my climate change nightmare, so I do understand the need to mope.

Anyway, the open house party is basically just like random office tenants and the vibe is awkward. There’s a podiatrist, an advertising agent, some man in a suit, and a plant lady — who can’t stay long. Also there’s no booze. There is, however, a scheduled Santa appearance…which is an odd choice for a party full of random business neighbors.

Unfortunately, Santa is two hours late. And…he also has a gun and is part of an entire series of Santa psychos named Dancer, Prancer, and Donner. This episode is like if The Taking of Pelham 123 and Die Hard had a sparsely-decorated, mid-rise office building baby. All these Santas are waiting for a fourth Santa named Blitzen. He’s the ringleader and also has the exit plan. Seems like you’d want to make sure the guy with the exit plan was there before you started the heist…but I’ve never heisted before so what do I know?

Remington Steele" Dancer, Prancer, Donner and Steele (TV Episode 1985) - IMDb

The Santas insist that Remington hand over the “hardware.” And Laura’s like sure I’ll go get you “the agency gun.” What??? I’m not pro-gun, but shouldn’t an agency of private investigators have more than one gun? Like if you’re going to have a gun, then why not have a 1:1 gun/investigator ratio. How are you sharing the agency gun in the field?? That’s a dangerous relay-race that I don’t even want to imagine. I can only hope she’s lying to hide the fact that there is more than one gun.

Luckily, agency employee Mildred (Doris Roberts) has a secret gun. She briefly looks like she’ll get control of the situation, but the Santas overpower her. Remington jumps through the throng of Santas and recovers the gun. Unfortunately, he can’t actually use it because he knows it is unloaded since he found the bullets in his office. OH MY GOD THERE GENUINELY IS ONLY ONE AGENCY GUN.

Remington Steele" Dancer, Prancer, Donner and Steele (TV Episode 1985) - IMDb

With this in mind, I would only recommend hiring Remington Steele if you need help with asset tracing or getting a telephoto lens shot of your cheating lover. For everything else, you’re probably going to want to go with Magnum, P.I. or Charlie’s Angels because all of those ladies know martial arts and would probably have already overpowered the Santas.

remington steele christmas

Okay, I might have sold these Santa’s short on the ruthlessness — they’re not exactly Hans Gruber — but they are planning on blowing up the building unless the owner pays a ransom. Suffice it to say the stakes of this are a lot higher than I originally thought.

Also turns out the Pelham 123 reference is meant to be explicit. Remington explains the whole plot of the movie to the other hostages and describes how the Santas are riffing on it.

Remington’s big plan is to get the podiatrist to fake going to the bathroom while actually setting a fire in there. Meanwhile, he tries to get one Santa, who has been expressing doubts about the hostage situation, to break. In the midst of this, the landlord and the cops show up.

The Santas allow Remington to speak with the authorities privately in the hall just outside the office’s glass door main entrance–wait seriously? NO WAY would they actually do that…but okay…Remington tells the cops to allow Blitzen through when he arrives. He’s too worried the other Santas will get spastic without him. And he’s right to worry, because while he tries to negotiate with the landlord for the hostage money, a whole kerfuffle happens in the office. Shots are fired. But thankfully no is hurt.

When Blitzen finally shows, the Santas are super relieved to see him. And in a plot twist I truly did not see coming — it isn’t really Blitzen. It’s the SANTA THE AGENCY HIRED and he is TRASHED. He is truly drunk as a skunk. That does explain the whole lateness thing.

Per Blitzen’s instructions, they pick the seemingly most unhinged hostage to transport the money: The Plant Lady. But she doesn’t come back with the money…so they go through her bag and find a recording device with Blitzen’s voice giving the instructions. It turns out SHE’S BLITZEN. Okay, that’s kinda cool and unexpected. It does feel like a bit of a plot hole that she was able to sneak off and play this tape into a 1980s satellite phone or whatever — without anyone noticing — but idk maybe she also employed the bathroom fake-out trick.

Remington Steele" Dancer, Prancer, Donner and Steele (TV Episode 1985) - IMDb

Plant Lady/Blitzen tries to make off with the money. She heads into a store room and changes into a cop costume (once again, undetected). But now the Santas are obviously pissed at being double crossed. Luckily, Doris Roberts saves the day with a hot pot of coffee to the face and a gun that presumably has ammunition.

Remington and Laura rush downstairs where they just announce their identities to the cops, who let them through what is supposed to be a sealed-off building. They hop on an unattended police motorcycle and chase Plant Lady–who is fleeing on another police motorcycle. Laura jumps off the back of their bike and onto the Plant Lady’s bike, causing her to crash into a Christmas Tree lot. Their fall is cushioned by all the fake snow and then Laura overpowers her to recover the cash.

Would i seek out more Remington Steele episodes? Probably not. But Pierce was dreamyyyy and I love Doris Roberts. I also like that the lady who supplied the office with plants was also a plant. Who doesn’t love a deep pun? All in all, not a bad watch.

To view the other blogathon participants and their entries, please click the image below:

Hope to see you on Sunday for the start of A Very Special Holiday Season!

New Sweet Valley High Series In Development At The CW

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I’m honestly SHOCKED it took The CW this long to reboot Sweet Valley High. I have to think it’s the pandemic’s fault because 90’s reboots have been all the rage for a while now. And yet here we are in late 2021 and we’re only just now getting a Sweet Valley entry into the reboot craze.

Sweet Valley High (TV Series 1994–1998) - IMDb

According to TVLine, the Sweet Valley adaptation will be helmed by Gossip Girl‘s producers and writers — which is probably the right vibe for this content.

If you never caught the original tv series version of Sweet Valley High in the 90’s — think 90210 subject matter for a 7th Heaven audience with the production value of Clueless (the TV series). The Wakefield Twins are played by real life twins, Brittany and Cynthia Daniel.

If the original series is any indication, there’s a lot of room for creative liberty. One first season adaptation of the second entry in the book series, Secrets, takes a plot about winning queen at a school dance and turns it into winning the opportunity to be an anti-drug spokesperson.

In the episode, a student worries that she’s not going to be a good anti-drug spokesperson for the school because she did drugs one time (and only one time) and was a passenger in a car accident (I repeat, passenger) while under the influence. This caused her parents to move the entire family to Sweet Valley.

She’s worried she’s not “the right person to be telling people not to do drugs.” But idk Magic Johnson told everyone not to have unprotected sex after he got HIV and I feel like he was a pretty good spokesperson for that. But maybe they don’t watch basketball in the town she moved from. MAYBE this is something a Gossip Girl writer could put a better spin on.

Oh I also forgot the part where the prize of being anti-drug spokesperson includes touring the country with Aerosmith’s Steven Tyler — so shaming this young, one-time drug using teen girl makes even less sense in that context.

Also apologies in advance to whoever visits this page and finds broken links when/if The CW picks up this show and wipes all other Sweet Valley productions from the free web.

Very Special Movie: In The Spirit

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I first saw this movie as like an eleven year-old. My parents had me kind of later in life and I have this theory that they forgot the content of certain movies they showed me (see also Jumpin’ Jack Flash where my mom scrambled for the remote and hit mute every third word so that a seven year-old me wouldn’t learn the f-word from Whoopi Goldberg). Anyway, In the Spirit is rated R so don’t show it to your 11 year-old though to the best of my memory it’s probably more along the lines of a PG-13. It’s fully possible that I have the same memory issues as my parents because I haven’t seen this in years. Maybe it’s a hereditary thing. (Oh yes, I’m revisiting this paragraph from twelve and a half minutes into the movie and, yes, it is definitely rated R.)

Anyway, eleven year-old me did find this movie HILARIOUS and I was already a big Marlo Thomas fan from watching reruns of That Girl. (Seriously, everything about Marlo Thomas is just wonderful.) The movie also stars Elaine May and Peter Falk and features Olympia Dukakis and Melanie Griffith in supporting roles. So there you go, if this movie sucks or you find it offensive (fair warning that this movie is from 1990 so there’s a lot of derogatory words thrown around for sex worker) or just think the writing is crap, it has a good cast and you can’t argue with me on that.

There’s even a cute little fake-interview promo that the cast filmed because this production is nothing if not zany:

So as it turns out, I actually do not feel like reviewing this movie. I mostly just want to remind the world that it exists. It’s a new age-suspense, buddy-comedy, amateur-sleuth kind of thing with a weird voice over narrator! Who wouldn’t love that? (Critics, evidently.) Anyway, the last time I saw this movie anywhere in the digital age was YouTube five years ago and I fear that it could disappear again. So I’m going to drop the link below. Get it while it’s hot:

Live In Front Of A Studio Audience | Diff’rent Strokes: Willis’ Privacy

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And we’re back for part 2 of the most recent episode of Live In Front Of A Studio Audience with Diff’rent Strokes. The common link between this and the earlier show of the night (The Facts of Life) is, of course, Mrs. Garrett. If you’re reading this blog, you probably already know that Kimberly Drummond from Diff’rent Strokes is a commuter student at Eastland and that’s how Mrs. Garrett gets the job of dorm mother (she’s formerly the Drummond’s housekeeper) in the backdoor pilot of The Facts of Life.

Are Any of the 'Diff'rent Strokes' Cast Members Alive Today?

I don’t write about Diff’rent Strokes on this blog because I find the real life stories behind it to be, frankly, a little too sad. Each of the show’s child cast members were exploited in some way by their industry and/or the community around them. I’ve seen a lot of negative comments on the internet about Dana Plato (who played Kimberly) in particular by people who seem to not grasp the fact that she was a child throughout the entire height of her career. It’s bone chilling to read some of these comments and think about the fact that these grown adults are talking about a fourteen or fifteen year old girl. So I tend to avoid the reruns of Diff’rent Strokes because I think Gary Coleman, Dana Plato, and Todd Bridges were all so immensely talented and I find it incredibly painful to watch the show knowing what they were all going through and how much they suffered. Thankfully, Todd Bridges has turned his life around in the most amazing way and is now the show’s only surviving cast member. I’ve caught a couple of interviews with him and I find his vulnerability and strength to be incredibly inspirational.

How Jimmy Kimmel and Norman Lear Choose Which Shows to Do for 'Live in Front of a Studio Audience'

Now that I’ve written like 300 words of sad commentary that’s not even about this live showing, are you still with me?

Oh good, you’re still here! Todd Bridges introduces the show and Shawn and Wanya from Boyz II Men sing another Alan Thicke classic theme song!

This is not a Kimberly episode so I might have made you all sad about Dana for no reason, but it needed to be said. Kevin Hart plays Arnold and Damon Wayans plays Willis. I feel like I vaguely remember having seen this episode before (whereas The Facts of Life episode as totally new to me). It’s about Willis and Arnold struggling to share a room when Willis’s friend Vernon (Snoop Dogg) comes over to study.

Of course, the role of Arnold comes with the great difficulty of delivering the “watchu talkin’ bout Willis” line without being Gary Coleman. I’m glad they cast Kevin Hart for this because he’s able to deliver it very well and also manages to do a good job capturing Arnold’s childish spirit while being — you know — a forty-two year old man.

We’re only like five minutes into the show at this point, but I feel like it’s much stronger than the episode of The Facts of Life. John Lithgow is a really good choice for Mr. Drummond and all of the actors are playing it straight. No one is hamming it up — except for Hart as “Super Arnold” but that’s literally within the character’s description so it’s appropriate.

Also, the level of commitment is so much greater in this episode. John Lithgow straight up carries Kevin Hart just like Conrad Bain carried Gary Coleman.

Basically, Arnold is desperate for attention and keeps messing up Willis’s photo project by interrupting all of the shots. And it’s just tough because of the five year age difference, you know? Also this cast deserves an Emmy:

After Mr. Drummond and Arnold talk, Arnold agrees to give Willis a little more space. Unfortunately, he has to go to the bathroom — where Willis is developing his photos. Arnold accidentally ruins the photos and they’re angry at each other all over again.

After shaking hands solely for the benefit of Mr. Drummond, Arnold and Willis decide to divide the room in half.

I think this was a much better episode than The Facts of Life both in terms of episode selection and in execution. The direction felt a lot more clear here and I really did like seeing everyone play it straight. Having middle aged actors is enough of a gag in and of itself. Having them play it straight subverts this and it’s a really nice balance in the humor.

When the TV ends up on Willis’s side of the room but the remote ends up on Arnold’s, things get rowdy. And Mr. Drummond intervenes again.

At dinner, Willis goes out to take more photos and Willis shares his sadness with Mr. Drummond. It’s tough to be eight when your thirteen year old brother isn’t into kid stuff anymore! Willis calls from Harlem and asks if he can eat dinner at Vernon’s instead. He also wants to spend the night over there, which Mr. Drummond says is okay. But Arnold is devastated because he feels like Willis hates him.

Arnold prays to God for Willis to return. And Willis does show up almost immediately! It turns out he missed Arnold. He saw his “silly face” in all of the photos he was developing and wanted to come back home and I’m not crying, you’re crying!!

Honestly, when I looked away from the show to type, I felt like I could almost hear Conrad Bain’s voice in John Lithgow’s and I’ve already mentioned how good Ann Dowd was at playing Charlotte Rae as Mrs. Garrett. So wonderful. This was a really, really solid entry to the Live In Front Of A Studio Audience series.

Live In Front Of A Studio Audience | The Facts of Life: “Kids Can Be Cruel”

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Similar to The Jeffersons and All in the Family from a couple of years ago (and also Good Times which I somehow completely missed), we’re getting another live performance of a couple of classics: The Facts of Life and Diff’rent Strokes. I tried to originally write one post on both of these episodes, but I had too much to say (surprise, surprise) so I’ll be writing a separate post for Diff’rent Strokes.

On a personal note, The Facts of Life was my FAVORITE show as an eleven year old because I went to school with a lot of mean girls and it was depressing as shit. When the girls on The Facts of Life were mean, it was played for laughs, and they always learned a lesson so I knew they weren’t actually shitty humans. And I actually think my love of that show was the verrrry tiny seed that grew into this blog because every episode of that show was a very special episode.

The Facts of Life' Is the Ultimate '80s Comfort Food Sitcom | PopMatters

Our hosts for tonight’s episodes are Jimmy Kimmel and the great Norman Lear (who by the way looks amazing at 99). What’s interesting about both of these episodes is that the characters are all played by adults who probably grew up watching these shows when they originally aired — a fact that I find very charming.

Now let’s get into the episode. Lisa Whelchel sings The Facts of Life theme song (an Alan Thicke classic) in an Eastland uniform and is joined on set by Kim Fields and Mindy Cohn (who looks super cute with gray hair). I don’t know where Nancy McKeon is, but I guess she’s continuing to skip all the reunions. The originally cast briefly waves to the audience and then we start the show.

Kathryn Hahn is playing Jo in this episode and it’s WONDERFUL casting. I love Kathryn Hahn in just about anything but boy is this casting a gift that I did not expect. She’s definitely doing a caricature though while the others seem to at least be trying to play it straight. Jennifer Anniston as Blair is also kind of magical, but she seems a little too smart to be Blair. I’ll also add that Ann Dowd is playing Mrs. Garrett in both of these episodes and she completely nails Charlotte Rea’s Mrs. Garrett voice. Gabrielle Union and Allison Tolman do such a good job as Tootie and Natalie, respectively, that I wasn’t distracted by the fact that I was watching Gabrielle Union and Allison Tolman. I just kinda accepted them as the characters, which I’m surprised I was able to do because they’re obviously not the right age for these parts lol.

In this episode, the girls are preparing boxed picnic meals that the boys from their sister (brother?) school will vote on as a fundraiser. It’s supposed to be anonymous, but Blair told her crush (played by Will Arnett) what was in her box so that they could have a picnic together. Natalie, however, was less direct and simply packed her box with her crush’s favorites. She’s also gushed about him in Blair’s Slam Book (think Burn Book for all you millennials out there who didn’t watch 80’s reruns in excess). Unfortunately, Blair tells Natalie’s crush (played by Jason Bateman) about Natalie’s notes and her boxed meal, so he rejects her before the bidding even starts. He does it in a very nice way (he has a steady girlfriend) but Natalie takes is super hard.

Everything goes according to plan for Blair, until Natalie seeks her revenge by urging Carl (a nerdy young man played by Jon Stewart) to outbid Blair’s crush. She does this by calling Carl and pretending to be Blair. Ick.

Jennifer Anniston’s Blair seems way meaner than I ever remember Lisa Whelchel’s version being. This is most apparent when Blair confronts Natalie in the kitchen for her revenge prank. It feels like I’m watching Alex from The Morning Show yell at Natalie and I’m uncomfortable. And honestly, I’m shocked to say this because Natalie feels way crueler in this episode than Blair, but Allison Tolman just seems way less intimidating than Jennifer Anniston.

Then ALL the girls get a talking to and Mrs. Garrett says they’re all lacking in compassion — which definitely seems unfair because Tootie and Jo didn’t even do anything. Having figured out what was really going on through a discussion with the other boys, Carl enters the kitchen and returns Blair’s dinner box to her.

Jo then volunteers to take the box and eat dinner with Carl (cause she didn’t want to have dinner with anyone and bid on her own box — like honestly as a grownup Jo is by far my favorite character). But a very guilty Natalie, tries to take the box from Jo. And then Jo is like um no why would he want to eat with someone who was mean to him?? And then Blair finally decides to do the right thing and takes the box back, so that she can have dinner with a very nice person. Turns out they have a lovely dinner when they both realize they love modern art!

Honestly, this was an insane premise. Mrs. Garrett, this is kind of on you for thinking high school kids wouldn’t get up to some serious shenanigans with picnic box bidding. That said, Natalie had the cruelest intentions of all. Dark stuff, man. Dark stuff. This is definitely NOT my favorite episode, but I thought the cast did a nice job with it and I am glad they picked an episode from earlier in the show’s run.

Anyway, we’re then treated to a lovely post show with Kim, Lisa, and Mindy! They all commended Ann Dowd’s performance! I agree with them!

Cheers: Ill-Gotten Gains

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The plot of this episode is a major bummer. Woody catches his wife’s father cheating and has to decide what to do about it. YIKES. Luckily, we’re here for the B-plot, so let’s ignore everything about what’s going on with Woody.

Rebecca is hosting a friends-giving and she’s invited the whole Cheers crew. Unfortunately, she might have given everyone in her family food poisoning the last time she cooked Thanksgiving dinner. This leads Sam to suggest hosting a potluck at Cheers instead. Rebecca was going to make grilled cheese for everyone (less risk of food poisoning) but with Sam hosting, they can have a turkey.

Norm can’t remember whether or not his father-in-law is dead, so he repeatedly asks Vera who won’t respond to him because WTF. Then a pissed-off Vera decides to spend Thanksgiving at her family’s house without Norm. So Cliff suggests that Vera call her parents’ house to see if her father answers. Only when Cliff hands Norm the phonebook, he can’t remember Vera’s maiden name! Okay well now that I’ve typed it out, it sounds awful. But it was very funny when George Wendt said all the lines.

Anyway, Thanksgiving at Cheers is probably Norm’s ideal Thanksgiving. Sam’s even allowed him to bring his barcalonger into the bar — though he did have to sign an agreement stating it would be removed by the end of the day.

Meanwhile, Rebecca has decorated the bar for Thanksgiving…which is interesting because Thanksgiving decorations are not like a thing, are they? Anyway, she’s used Halloween decorations that the store was throwing away. But she’s got a pretty good explanation for it: “The witches came over with the pilgrims and then the pilgrims burned them all at the stake.” This explains the skeletons as well (ick) and she doesn’t mention it but I will, the ghosts too. Honestly, it tracks. That’s airtight logic, Rebecca.

She intends to borrow plates from Melville’s because they’re closed for the holiday. And she’s also cooking the turkey in their oven on the sly. Fraser then suggests she borrow the candlesticks while she’s at it. And Sam mentions that she better take some silverware because they don’t have enough plastic sporks.

No one wants to listen to Cliff’s stories for an entire meal, so Sam tells him that he’ll be sitting at the kid’s table as the “adult supervisor” — a role he takes very seriously and seems a little flattered by. Meanwhile, Norm eats his meal in the barcalounger.

As the gang toasts John Alan Hill for “donating” all of their borrowed items, he appears in the bar. Evidently, Melville’s has a silent alarm. But strangely, even John Alan Hill is generous on this day of giving thanks. So he lets the Cheers gang eat in peace (but makes them promise to sanitize the Melville’s items before returning them).

Very Special Thanksgiving Lesson: Honestly, I didn’t think Rebecca’s grilled cheese meal sounded bad. But I guess the lesson here is that you really gotta be mindful of those silent alarms.

Murder, She Wrote: The Dead File

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Hello! Today is the 29th anniversary of this episode. And I’m low-key obsessed with it. Why, you ask? Because our friend, Jessica Fletcher, has been turned into a controversial comic strip character. And she’s a fox (which of course we already knew) but a literal fox in this case. Oh and Harvey Fierstein is in this episode. What I’m trying to say is, it’s perfect.

The fox is accusing NYPD officers of doing corrupt shit — so actually this comic strip could be a public good — but unfortunately Jessica isn’t involved in the comic strip and can’t verify the information. Of course, everyone thinks she’s behind it — I guess because she’s a writer — but she’s genuinely not involved. She sincerely asks a lieutenant if he’s stealing drugs from evidence and he just straight up doesn’t answer — which feels like a YES to me — but it’s MSW so he’s probably falsely accused.

It looks like Jessica Fox is also exposing a Wall Street scandal. And Jessica Fletcher will now be sued for libel (which makes noooo sense) along with the artist and comic strip syndicator.

With actual money on the line now, Jessica tracks down the artist, Mr. Hatter. And that’s how we finally get to see Angela and Harvey on the screen together!

That’s when Mr. Hatter explains that he didn’t draw the comic strips that appeared in the newspaper. And his syndicator cannot figure out how the artwork got switched. He shows Jess his real comic strip which involves Jessica Fox solving innocent little barnyard animal mysteries. It’s all quite wholesome (aside from the murder).

Anyway, Mr. Hatter agrees to kill off the Jessica Fox character, which would seem like the end of all this. Except then the lieutenant comes back to see Jess and shows her a blackmail letter. Some of the letters in the note were cut out of the Cabot Cove Gazette.

Jess finds the letter perplexing, but she explains that she hasn’t been in Cabot Cove for three weeks. Even more importantly, she was in Italy on the date the newspaper shown in the letter cutout was published. So she goes back to Mr. Hatter and blames him for everything — saying he could have purchased the paper from a stand at Grand Central that carries one-week old issues of Cabot Cove Gazette — which like yeah, right I’m sure it does…

But Mr. Hatter shows her the strange comic strip in the day’s paper and points out explicit stylistic differences between the printed copy and the versions he showed her in his studio. His whole team backs him up, stating that the printed copy is most definitely a forgery.

The whole thing explodes into a very public argument between Mr. Hatter, Jess, and the people who want to sue them. So Jess decides they should all sit down and try to figure out who has motive to print all this stuff in this dirty laundry sort of way. And Mr. Hatter is kinda like well, I do have a lot of enemies.

The next morning, Mr. Hatter’s letterist (I’m not sure the correct term for someone who draws letters in comic strip so I am going with letterist) heads to work at 3:45 am (evidently, he likes to get an early start) and is hit over the head by an unknown assailant. Hopefully, he’s knocked out and not dead, but I’m not sure because we cut to Jess interviewing a potential suspect.

This guy, Mr. Whiting, says that Mr. Hatter used to be his assistant and stole the idea for the comic strip from him. And then all of his artwork disappeared in a mysterious fire. He says Mr. Hatter is just trying to get attention/money for his work and urges her to sue him. And she’s like no, I’m trying to avoid lawsuits, thanks. Plus she doesn’t think Mr. Hatter would make his characters look bad because they mean so much to him. Kind of a thin argument. But she says it’s exactly how she feels about the characters in her books.

Unfortunately, we do get confirmation that the letterist is dead. The detective on the scene doesn’t notice the damaged award (that was totally the murder weapon) until Jess points it out.

At this point, the detective openely accuses literally everyone around her of the crime — including Jess! (To be fair, I’ve frequently wondered about Jess’s proximity to all these murders myself…)

Meanwhile, it finally occurs to Jess that she should look for the source of the information in the comics. This leads her to a tabloid writer (who has been lurking around this whole time and for some reason she never checked up on him until now). She accuses him of being involved in blackmail and he claims that his files were stolen.

This leads Jess back to Mr. Whiting who says he was too busy having an affair to kill anyone. And then Jess is abruptly like okay, cool so if it’s not you then I know who it is. This leads us back to the studio in the middle of the night.

Jess notices that a plant has been rotated and discovers that this was done to hide a bloody artist’s glove. So she calls every single person that the letterist worked for and found out that he wasn’t scheduled to be in the studio when he was — meaning the murder wasn’t premeditated. There’s also no evidence on the glove except for the letterist’s blood. So Jess replaces the glove and calls Mr. Hatter.

That night, she catches one of the artists going back to remove the evidence. He explains that the letterist caught him drawing the libelous comic strips, so he faked his suicide.

Jess then explains that she really had no evidence on him whatsoever, but luckily he took the “message for Mr. Hatter” as bait. And most importantly, I need to point out that the detective has been making the below face for like two solid minutes:

But you know what, maybe that is the correct reaction to whatever the hell just happened in this episode.

Fictional Book Covers: Mapleworth Murders

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I now have a multi-part series on fictional book covers. I honestly didn’t see that coming. But I really like them! And actually this one is sort of like an off-shoot of my previous two. Mapleworth Murders is a parody of Murder, She Wrote (which you can watch for free on Roku) and features a lead character who imagines herself as the protagonist sleuth she writes about in her novellas — not unlike Tom Selleck’s character in Her Alibi.

Peppered throughout the series are book covers featuring the Mrs. Mapleworth mysteries.

Anytime our lead, Abigail (played by Paula Pell), finds herself in a jam, she imagines what Mrs. Mapleworth would do to get out of a bad situation. The fantasy never matches up with the reality and the results are hilarious.

There are also a lot of great guest stars from the greater NBC family, including multiple SNL alums, Terry Crewes, Jack McBrayer, and Paul Lieberstein.

Honestly, I think I need to figure out how to be a book cover designer. I think I’ve uncovered deep passion here.

Tower of Terror

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Happy Halloween, Very Special Readers! I’m so excited to tell you all about one of my favorite TV movies: Tower of Terror. Originally aired on The Wonderful World of Disney in 1997, the film stars Steve Guttenberg, Kirsten Dunst, Melora Hardin, Nia Peeples, and Lindsay Ridgeway (a.k.a the second Morgan on Boy Meets World.)

This film also has the distinction of being the first of its kind in the “based-on-a-ride” series that Disney would explore with the wildly successful Pirate of the Caribbean, the much maligned Haunted Mansion, and more recently, Jungle Cruise. Filmed partially on-location at the theme park ride, the plot of the film draws its inspiration from the opening reel that riders see at the attraction before making their own journey into the fateful elevator! You can check out a making of for the theme park reel below:

Okay, now back to the movie. Miraculously, this film is available for you to watch on YouTube in its entirety. It scared the crap out of me as an elementary school kid, but I’m happy to say that I’m a lot braver in my thirties.

But I will say that the heroes of this film are like a little more dark than child-me realized. They’re grifters. Steve Guttenberg’s character, Buzzy, is a photographer who sells stages pictures of supernatural phenomenon to tabloids and his niece, Anna (Kirsten Dunst) helps him. She questions whether he ever wants to engage in legit journalism and he counters by telling her that the truth doesn’t matter. And, speaking from post-Trump America, feels bleak and prescient.

There’s also some underdeveloped romance plot where we’re not sure if Steve misses his ex-girlfriend (Nia Peeples) or just misses working at a legit paper. Was she his boss? Unclear.

Things turn spooky when a mysterious visitor shows up at Buzzy’s house — an old lady says she she lived in the Hollywood Tower Hotel when a child star disappeared in an elevator back in 1939 and KNOWS THE TRUE STORY.

If I didn’t get you with DISAPPEARED IN AN ELEVATOR then you should stop reading now because you’re definitely not going to be interested in this post.

Furthermore, this old woman shares that she saw Mrs. Partridge, who was the nanny of Sally Shine (a child actress knock-off of Shirley Temple played by the second Morgan from Boy Meets World), cast a black magic spell that made an entire elevator full of people disappear.

She insists that he take her very old set of keys and break into this very abandoned hotel — and look for a BOOK OF SOULS that will prove Mrs. Partridge was an evil witch.

Luckily, Buzzy’s career is in the crapper so he kind of has to take her up on this offer.

Buzzy goes to the hotel where he bribes the caretaker, a descendent of one of the missing elevator inhabitants, to show him around. The bellhop was the son of the hotel’s builder and, as such, he left it in his will that the property must remain closed until someone solves the mystery.

After something like two solid minutes of exploring the set and getting you all excited to go to the theme park — Buzzy does indeed find the book of souls. As Buzzy leaves the building, Mrs Partridge STICKS HER GHOSTLY HEAD OUT OF A MIRROR AND HE DOES NOT EVEN SEE IT. What kind of ghost detective are you even, Buzzy?

Anyway, he decides to stage a photo because that’s all he knows how to do. So he makes his fifteen year old niece dress up like this ten year old child star and, yes, it is as awkward as it sounds. He also hires a woman from an acting agency (Melora Hardin) to play Mrs. Partridge but the woman who shows up is wayyyy too young and also suspiciously accurate at appearing to be from the 1930s.

Before we have too much time to wonder if this actress is actually a ghost, we’re lured away by the sounds of ethereal music and the sounds of kitchen staff preparing for the big party in 1939. This quickly transitions to the spooky rendition of “It’s Raining, It’s Pouring” that you’ll have heard on the Tower of Terror ride if you’ve ever been. Buzzy and Anna then see a child’s ghost singing. And Buzzy is like, yeah, this is good stuff I can go ahead and pitch it to my ex-girlfriend at the newspaper. Spoiler alert: this goes poorly.

Meanwhile, Anna and his source are discussing how the spell trapped everyone in the elevator. Their theory is that Mrs. Partridge only had an identifier for one person in the elevator (a lock of Sally’s hair) and because she didn’t have anything for the other passengers, they were all trapped in limbo in the hotel — rather than Sally just straight up being murdered which was the original intention of this spell and OMG THIS IS DARK FOR A KID’S TV MOVIE.

Anyway, they decide that if they can bring everyone back by finding their identifier items within the hotel. Buzzy is all excited that brining people back from another dimension will reinvigorate his career and Melora Hardin’s character gets all offended that he doesn’t really care about the ghosts — of which she clearly is one.

While Buzzy and one of the ghosts discuss ethics in the garden, the other adult ghosts are threatening Anna’s life inside the hotel. She tells them she only wants to help, but they tell her to get lost. Then the little girl ghost appears and asks Anna to please fix the elevator as if she were some kind of antique Otis repairman instead of a fifteen year old girl from 1997.

But somehow this does, in fact, become the plan. As they find the last of the identifiers (the actress ghost’s locket…that contains a photo of…herself…), the ghosts reveal themselves to Buzzy and Anna and ask that they leave them alone because they don’t want people to find out about them lest they be treated like zoo animals. To which, I only ask, how is this in the Hollywood Hills and no one has ever broken in and already taken all this vintage expensive shit? But no, it’s all just sitting there and the ghosts are like please don’t mention that we’re here to anyone, thank you.

The Wonderful World of Disney" Tower of Terror (TV Episode 1997) - IMDb

So anyway Buzzy and Anna convince the caretaker, who knows nothing about antique elevators, to try to fix this broken down thing so the passengers can finally get to the twelfth floor to attend this party that ended six decades earlier.

Meanwhile, Buzzy’s ex ran a background check on his source after their conversation at the paper. It turns out that his source is actually Sally Shine’s big sister. She’s been in a mental institution since 1940 and she has a beheaded doll of her little sister plus a lot of creepily desecrated photos. Once again. Super creepy for a kid’s movie. BUT it is a story. However, Buzzy has already promised the ghosts that he will help them fix the elevator.

Anna loses all respect for Buzzy. Honestly, it was amazing she ever had any to begin with.

The caretaker doesn’t want to go into the hotel without Buzzy, but Anna, the true hero of this film, pressures him into it.

The Wonderful World of Disney" Tower of Terror (TV Episode 1997) - IMDb

This is, however, a Disney movie. So Buzzy grows a heart at the last possible moment. And also realizes that he gave Sally’s sister exactly what she wanted — the book of souls. You see, all she really wanted was to make the elevator crash cause she was soooo jealousssss of Sally. And she’s so hellbent on completing the task that she’s trying again decades later. SO DARK FOR A KID’S MOVIE.

Anna catches her setting the spell and tries to stop the elevator. She pushes little Sally out of the doorway (which in the weird world of this movie works even though Sally is a ghost) and enters the elevator herself. But the ghost bellhop can’t control he elevator because it is overpowered by the spell.

As Buzzy tries to bargain with Sally’s sister, ghost Sally (not in the elevator, of course) overhears her sister talking major shit. Of course, she doesn’t recognize her because she’s old now. But Buzzy asks Sally what she’d say to her sister if she could. And Sally says she would apologize for not making it to her BIRTHDAY PARTY.

Tragically, Sally shares that she loves her sister — who she describes as her best friend — oh my GOD this is way worse as an adult. As a kid I was like “awww see there’s enough love to go around in this fam!” and as an adult I’m like “YOUR BEST FRIEND/SISTER TRIED TO KILL YOU AND IS STILL TRYING.”

Tower of Terror | Disney Movies

The good news is: Sally’s sister profusely apologizes. The bad news is: she doesn’t know how to stop the spell. So Buzzy tries to reach Anna through the escape hatch of the passenger elevator — begging her to extend herself over the 12-story elevator shaft to where he is on the freight elevator. He grabs her just before BOTH elevators begin to drop.

Thankfully, Sally Shine forgives her sister for attempted murder and this reverses the curse.

We then see the passengers (and Buzzy, Anna, the ex-girlfriend, and the caretaker) all attend the long overdue party where we see the passengers reunite with their families and disintegrate into fairy dust — which is probably the only reason this movie didn’t haunt my dreams and cause permanent emotional scaring. A little fairy dust makes a dark movie a happy memory!

Very Special Halloween Lesson: Family therapy for everyone! Also these movie characters would make for a really great group costume.

If you liked the movie, here’s some more stuff about it:

A park visitor has noted the filming locations seen in the 1997 movie:

Scarlet Johanssen was scheduled to produce a remake and for a minute with the Black Widow dispute it seemed like it wouldn’t happen…but Screen Rant says it’s still in the works!

And here’s a 20-min short documentary on the ride. Check the amazing props! TW: Kirk Cameron