Just What 2020 Needed: More KFC Erotica!

A few years ago, KFC released a special for Mother’s Day romance novella featuring none other than Colonel Sanders. Well, it looks like Lifetime is running with that idea and airing a mini-movie with Mario Lopez this Sunday!

Unfortunately, if you’re looking for the novella that started the whole “Col. Sanders is a hottie” craze, they’re no longer available. But it doesn’t look like you missed out on much anyway. Here’s hoping the mini-movie is better or at least better at being bad.

Some Very Special Movies

I’ve been really sick the past couple of days. While working from home, I’ve been watching some awful and some awesome things:

Augusta, Gone-I knew something was wrong with me when I had some seriously fun schadenfreude over watching a 14 year old girl ruin her life with drugs. It was like Go, Ask Alice but with emo outfits. I mean everything turned out okay (whoops, sorry spoilers) so I don’t feel too guilty about it but I’d also like to say that this was the last thing I watched before waking up in the middle of the night and feeling like all of my bodily fluids had turned to ice water and my organs were freezing…so like maybe I wasn’t in my right mind. P.S. This movie was brought to you by The Lifetime Movie Club.

Me watching all of these movies.

Benny & Joon– I expected more from this movie. Yes, I know it’s a cult classic. But I think I built it up too much in my mind. Aidan Quinn really made the movie for me. Mary Stuart Masterson was pretty remarkable and Johnny Depp was Johnny Depp. So yeah. I mean Aidan Quinn was pretty cool. Also, I now want to attempt to make grilled cheese with an iron.

Roadhouse-This is my new favorite movie. It really shouldn’t be, but it is. I’ve been avoiding Patrick Swayze movies for the last six years because it hurts my heart and I miss him. While I don’t think I can handle Dirty Dancing again just yet, I decided tonight was the night for Roadhouse. I spent most of this movie being like “wtf is happening?” and “is this tai chi scene character development?” I feel like this movie is kind of like Footloose but with violence instead of dancing. It’s like a cool dude goes to a weird little town and makes life better. Also Sam Elliot is in it and The Jeff Healey Band. This all spells a recipe for success.

I am now a member of the Lifetime Movie Club

For the low cost of $3.99 per month (after my 7 day free trial ends) I will have have access to 30 Lifetime Original Movies per month to stream on my iphone. I know. It’s so shameful. I tried to tell myself, “It’s okay. It’s for The Very Special Blog.” Sometimes I use you guys to justify my guilty pleasures.

Honestly, I’m pretty sure some of these movies are too bad to even hate-watch, but I’m in it for the few gems that are so bad they’re good, nay amazing. But then again this might also be the stupidest thing I’ve ever spent $4 on. We’ll see if I make it past the free trial period.

Cradle of Conspiracy

Cradle_of_Conspiracy_posterYouTube does not have the first part of this movie, but let me briefly summarize the first ten minutes of every Lifetime drama. There is a girl (Danica McKellar/Winnie Cooper from The Wonder Years) who comes from a nice family but is bored with her home life. Aside from her strict parents, life is great. Then she dates some boy that they do not approve of. This “boy” looks (may actual be) twenty-five and her mom notes that he seems too old (probably because he is a creepy baby snatcher). This is a movie about a creepy baby snatcher.

Danica plays a really naïve girl. She dates a creepy dude who is all like I totally understand you and nothing bad will every happen with me, which of course means he is manipulating her and all of the bad things will happen. Danica seems to be a student of the fingertip-method. She’s constantly rubbing the creepers back and right now she seems to be playing with his chest hair, which I do not appreciate.

She gets pregnant almost immediately, which you should have expected because this movie is about cradles. And conspiracies. Kenny (that’s the baby snatcher’s name) tells her from the comfort of his trailer that he does not want her to have an abortion because he is personally opposed to it (so glad he has an opinion) and that he will take care of everything. (He kind of does if “taking care” means baby stealing).

On Danica’s seventeenth birthday her parents give her a prized family heirloom (one year ahead of schedule) and tell her that she’s the perfect child. This loving home environment creates an intense amount of pressure, and she runs away instead of confiding them. She brings a stuffed animal with her because she is still a child herself!kenny

Kenny convinces her to give the baby up for adoption because the two of them are not ready to be parents. He then takes her to a very sketchy motel in Louisiana full of pregnant ladies just waiting to give their babies away. She even meets one lady who has no other place to go, so she stays at the motel and keeps having babies for the adoption agency via artificial insemination (which creepily reminds me of The Giver).

Danica’s parents eventually find out from her best friend that she has answered an ad in the newspaper. They manage to find the ad and contact the local authorities, who inform them that the adoption agency is fake and that they are really selling babies. They arrange a phone rendezvous, but Danica’s dad ruins the whole thing by telling her that Kenny is going to jail because he got some other girl pregnant and tried to steal her baby. Things get really weird when the baby snatchers straight up murder a girl who accused them of stealing her babies. Then Kenny tells Danica that they have to run away because she’s a runway and runaways go to jail for running away. She’s more naïve than I thought because she believes him completely. Luckily, the cops show up right as they flee the building.

Then Danica’s mom tries to make her keep the baby. (She’s overbearing in case you forgot). She even brings the kid that Danica wanted to put up for adoption into the hospital room to hang out for a while. I guess she wants her to think about her decision, but it kind of seems like she’s not respecting her decision. So it turns out that the reason her mom has been freaking out about keeping the baby is that she was also a teen mom and her parents made her give up the kid. She tells Danica that this horrible experience was what made it so important to her to give Danica a choice. But really it seems like she decided that she wanted a baby and kept being like hey let’s keep my grandchild, hey let’s bring my grandchild home, hey let me tell you this heart-wrenching story from my youth while I’m bottle feeding the baby you didn’t want to have.

hqdefault (1)The next day, Danica is okay with being a mom because she has to comfort her crying baby when no one else is at home to do so. Then Kenny shows up at the house and literally snatches the baby from her arms. And by literally snatches, I mean she hands the baby over to him because he is the dad. Ugh, look I get it at first, but this is ridiculous. You are such an idiot, Danica! The cops pull Kenny over for speeding and recover the baby. Then she gives him a mushy speech about family that obviously means nothing to him. She buys him off with a ring and he gives up custody.

Very Special Lesson: I think there are a few lessons we can all learn from this. Number one, don’t become impregnated by a sociopath and (if you do) do not follow said sociopath across state lines. Secondly, do not put undue expectations on your teenagers, though it’s probably a bit of an extreme reaction for them to become impregnated by sociopaths and cross state lines. Finally, do not live vicariously through your pregnant teen daughter to fill the void of the baby you lost, even though she seemed cool with keeping the kid after you already made her take it home.

Mother, May I Sleep with Danger?

Mother_May_I_Sleep_With_Danger_NR_HD_230x322_poThis movie fades in from white, so you know it’s gonna be intense. There’s also some ominous David Lynch style music and some dude watching a house from his car. I wish I could scream at the nondescript blonde female, “Don’t undress in front of your window! You don’t know who is out there!” But alas, I cannot get this TV movie character to hear me. I must helplessly watch the sad tragedy unfold.

The super creepy dude is actually the blonde girl’s boyfriend. He flips out when he notices that the pictures and poems that he gave her are all boxed up. She explains that she is having her room painted. But even if she were lying that, is no reason to straight up murder her, which is what he does less than five into this movie.

Next, we meet Laurel, a college student played by Tori Spelling. Laurel is trying to move up in the track team, but her mother calls her coach and says that Laurel has an eating disorder. Concerned that Laurel is over-training, the coach cuts her from the team. This is clearly a devastating blow, but Laurel is excited about her new boyfriend, so she forgives her mother’s meddling and they plan an introductory dinner.

OH MY GOSH THE NEW BOYFRIEND IS THE MURDERER! His name is Kevin but it may as well be Danger. It turns out that Kevin lost his parents in a helicopter-skiing accident (he says, “they died doing what they love”), but I can’t help but wonder if he murdered them. He’s already planning how he and Laurel can work at the same place and “never be apart”…

Kevin ends up in a major depressive episode when Laurel tells him she needs to study and can’t hang out. The next day, he sends her flowers and she decides he is not so bad. Kevin also does this weird serial killer hand twitch thing when he talks about his abandonment issues or stalks his girlfriends. He is doing it while talking about how he was worried that Laurel would leave him forever and she’s all like “aw you’re so sweet and not at all scary, let me have sex with you.” And it’s just like, Tori Spelling, NO! Did you learn nothing from that time you had the abusive boyfriend on 90210?

VertigoBut she has not learned cross-film and so she has to learn that lesson again as a different person in a different television feature. Kevin convinces Laurel to dye her hair blonde. He’s Kim-Novack-ing her Vertigo-style. She now has the exact haircut and color of the girl he murdered at the beginning of this movie.

But he’s also kind of Kim-Novack-ing himself. It turns out that he has stolen the identity of the dude who his original girlfriend was hanging out with on the day that he murdered her. (Right? I know. It’s so intense).

Billy (fake Kevin’s real name) then stalks the real Kevin (who has resurfaced and applied to the same college that Billy is attending as Kevin). He follows Kevin and pretends to work at Kevin’s hotel–under the guise of catching up with an old high school acquaintance–and murders him Psycho style in the hotel bathroom. This movie has a lot of Hitchcock references.

Billy’s next move is to isolate Laurel in a cabin. He then attempts to drive a wedge between Laurel and her mother by telling Laurel that her mom says Laurel needs to be put in an institution because of her eating disorder. He promises her that he won’t let that happen and they make out vigorously. Their passion knocks over a bottle of red wine and it oozes ominously over the floor, foreshadowing the bloodshed yet to come.

Laurel catches onto the situation when Billy sabotages her car and she has to walk two miles to a pay phone. A male friend picks her up (which stalker Billy sees and does not like) and stays with her while she calls the phone company. When she discovers that Billy never placed an order to have their phone line setup, she knows that he is trying to isolate and control her.

StalkerMeanwhile, Laurel’s mom has no idea where Laurel is, so she starts to investigate the conflicting information Billy has given while spinning his web of lies. In a police station, she notices a missing person’s picture that she recognizes from Kevin/Billy’s apartment (which she broke into). She also notices the eerie resemblance the missing girl bears to her post-makeover daughter. Then a detective sends her a copy of the real Kevin’s driver’s license because cops just hand that stuff out to inquiring mothers. Laurel’s mom tells the detective that he is not Kevin and they begin to investigate Billy Jones (!) whom the detective was suspicious of in the original case.

Laurel tries to move out, but Billy catches her and is totally going to murder her. Laurel manages to get away from him and decides that the best choice in her self-protection is to go dancing. We already know that Billy is an expert stalker, so he finds her and assaults her male friend. Frankly, I find it remarkable that Laurel is still alive. Billy has obviously gained a modicum of self-control since he murdered that other girl at the beginning of the movie.

si-pres-du-danger_201933_16924In the last twenty-minutes of the movie we get a creep shot of Billy getting on his motorcycle at the cabin in the woods. Now he is the one being stalked. But who is his stalker? It appears to be Laurel attempting to retrieve the rest of her things. Why, Laurel?? She leaves the house only to find him sitting on her car. You cannot out stalk this guy. You just can’t!

He tells her he wants to make one last toast, so they can leave as friends. Laurel, why did you drink that tainted wine? Why, Laurel, why?? Luckily, Laurel’s mom is hot on the trail and she confirms that Billy Jones is Laurel’s boyfriend. She discovers that “Laurel” a.k.a. Billy has just used her AAA card on the way to her cabin.

mothermayiIsolated in her mother’s cabin, Laurel must once again try to escape. Billy chases her with an ax. When her mom shows up, he roundhouse kicks her in the face. Laurel attempts to escape in a rowboat. This is not the most effective means of escape. She probably should just swim for it–like Billy who capsizes her rowboat from beneath the water. Then he attempts to murder them both on the dock with the ax. There’s less than 2 minutes left in the movie now. Screen Shot 2014-09-09 at 7.49.59 PM

Omg. Tori Spelling uses her mom has a human shield. This is so wrong. Oh wait, at the last minute she throws her mom out of the way and hits Billy in the head with an oar. Billy drowns. Mother and daughter walk off arm in arm. Woah.

Oh crap. Billy isn’t dead. He shows up at the end of the movie with another blonde co-ed and he’s looking oddly like Adrian Grenier.

Very Special Lesson: Don’t date anyone ever. This person will stalk you and ruin your college education.

Very Special Movie: Fifteen and Pregnant

Hi there! I’m going to be trying a new thing where I post a “Very Special Movie” each month. This month’s movie is “Fifteen and Pregnant,” starring Kirsten Dunst. 

Fifteen and Pregnant 

This movie starts with them having sex, so like wow we are seriously getting down to business here. During foreplay, Kirsten Dunst is also talking about how bummed she is that her dad doesn’t live with their family anymore…so if you weren’t already thinking that this was a bad decision, you should probably be pretty sure of that now.

Fifteen_and_pregnant_DVD_coverIt’s okay though because Kirsten gets her period in the very next scene. Only, it’s probably not okay because this movie is called Fifteen and Pregnant. The next time Kirsten sees her boyfriend, he tells her that he is too busy to date her during football season. Kirsten immediately runs away to see her friend and her friend asks her if she’s pregnant as soon as she tells her that she and her boyfriend broke up. This strikes me as odd.

However, in the car ride home we see that her friend has a baby and maybe is a little hyper vigilant because of it. And it turns out that her questioning was warranted because Kirsten missed her previous period. Plus, the pastor at her church said it was bad to use contraceptive because then it meant that you had already thought about having sex…what??

Fifteen_And_Pregnant_45964_MediumAs a teen, I was always paranoid of teen pregnancy, which does not really makes sense because I’m pretty sure you have to be having sex to get pregnant. But I watched a ton of lifetime moves and it seemed like pregnancy was a very contagious head cold and that pretty much everyone who had sex got pregnant or maybe you just got pregnant anyhow due to proximity to hormones or whatever. But now that I am no longer a teen, I’m like looking at Kristen’s mom and thinking “what the hell. She’s got a child who is going to have a child??” That seems very overwhelming because you still have to be a parent to your kid (and maybe their kid) no matter what they decide.

Kristen’s friend suggests that she have an abortion and Kirsten yells at her and is all like “THAT’S THE MOST HORRIBLE THING EVER. I WOULD NEVER DO THAT.” And that’s fine if you believe that, but I kind of want her friend to ask her why. I know that she has to be pregnant for the plot of this movie, but I wish that someone could at least have a real conversation about her options. Oh wait, just kidding this is a Lifetime movie. How silly of me to expect anymore than this. Fifteen_And_Pregnant_45965_Medium

There’s also a strange scene where Kirsten and her younger siblings have a shouting almost unintelligible argument about the shame Kirsten has brought upon their family while the music she lost her virginity is playing in the background. Ugh. Well ugh for two reasons 1. That’s a nasty juxtaposition 2. I wish there was some other phrase that I could have used in that paragraph instead of “lost her virginity.” I’m pretty sure she didn’t misplace it and I’m pretty sure that it wasn’t stolen or given away. But yeah the same music that played when she first decided to have sex is also playing when she’s arguing with her siblings about her pregnancy. I think this is meant to highlight the consequences of her actions?

The mom’s of the two teen mom’s end up going to the gym and have a more in depth discussion about Kirsten’s choices than Kirsten does. God forbid anyone like actually talk to the pregnant teenager here, right? The absentee father shows up (oh sorry, absentee from the original nuclear family—not from the one Kirsten is starting) and says that Kirsten and her mom can “probably” raise the kid on their own (“probably” that’s great) and that if they decide to go down that path he hopes they’ll consider letting him help. And Kirsten’s mom yells at him and is all like No, I hate you! So…she sounds like she’s going to be a great grandma.rs_634x1024-140214123825-1024.lifetime-fifteen-pregnant-dunst

Kirsten has to go to school in a trailer now on the edge of the public school property. I can’t believe this is legal. I used to work at a public high school and there were unfortunately many pregnant teens wandering around. But at least they weren’t hidden away, I suppose. This feels sort of archaic. What backwoods town does she live in? Or am I just uninformed?

Eventually, no one shows up to her baby shower and it’s very sad. After the party, Kirsten and her mom have this heart wrenching conversation in which Kirsten says that she wanted to know what love feels like from the inside, and that she finally has something that belongs to her that she can look forward to. It’s actually one of the most depressing things I’ve seen in a while, especially because her mom looks so horrified and baffled as to how her kid did not know how much she loved her. Thank goodness her family gets back together and rallies around her before she gives birth because I could not  have handled it if things got more depressing in this movie.

Here are my favorite quotes from this movie:

“I just want to be a good wife and mother and make my husband happy.”—Kirsten Dunst as dumb teenager

“It’s bad enough being pregnant without having to look like a total loser.”—Kirsten Dunst as dumb teenager shopping for maternity clothes

“Well you should have thought of that before you had sex.”—Kirsten Dunst’s fictional mom who is oversimplifying the issue while shopping for maternity clothes

“I’m not doing that much with my life. Might as well have a kid, right?”—The teen father-to-be.

“We can grow up together. The three of us.”—Also the teen father-to-be.

kirsten dunst Fifteen and PregnantVery Special Lesson: Condoms.

I know the issues here are so much more complex, but oh my God it would be so much easier to deal with those if someone hadn’t condom-shamed poor Kirsten Dunst before this movie started.