Today’s contribution goes to Meals on Wheels because one day, if we’re lucky, we’ll all be as old as the Golden Girls, but we may not all be so lucky as to have amazing roommates. Meals on Wheels provides companionship and nourishment to our most vulnerable elders.

Dorothy and Stan are seeing a therapist together, which has created a situation in which Stan has transferred his feelings for Dorothy to a surrogate–a fake monkey, to be exact. (More on this later.)

Meanwhile, Rose has gotten 8 hours of television airtime for a telethon to save a lighthouse. She asks the girls to help her get everything organized.

Furthermore, Dorothy’s sister, Gloria, pops by for a visit and major sibling rivalry ensues.

This is a two-parter and we already have an A, B, and C-plot. Are you keeping up? I want to make sure we’re all on the same page, so please take a moment to review.

Okay, you good?

Gloria tells Dorothy that she’s not a real teacher because she’s just a substitute. Rude. I don’t understand why family members come into your home and just think they can get away with insulting you. Like you MAY be my flesh and blood, but you’re still in my home and you need to GTFO if you’re going to be rude.

Then Stan shows up with the (fake) monkey. Gloria is there to see all of this of course, and Dorothy doesn’t miss the opportunity to let Stan know that Gloria has run out of money, which Stan mistakes for “monkey,” and he somehow manages to become more possessive of the fake monkey than he was before. He doesn’t hang around for long though because he has an important business dinner, where he plans to seat the monkey with “the other wives.”

The monkey is some fake fur and a little plush face wrap around an orange traffic cone, just so you have an accurate mental picture. Oh wait, here’s a real picture:

Dorothy is delighted that Stan is into a traffic cone these days and therefore leaving her alone. Sophia pressures her to use this extra non-Stan time to bond with her sister. But instead Dorothy decides to pour salt into her wounds.

Okay, sometimes I forget that Dorothy was horrible and mean because she was the funniest one on that show. But when she offers to give Gloria some romantic advice, everyone laughs at her…because her ex-husband is in love with a fake monkey. So yeah. Maybe she doesn’t have the best taste.

And then Stan transfers his love for Dorothy from the monkey to Gloria. Here’s the SFW version of what happened between them:

Oh and by the way, there’s a hurricane on the way. So we’ve got: sibling rivalry and romantic transgressions, fake monkey love, a save the lighthouse telethon, and a hurricane. Sophia is very excited about (potentially dying in) the hurricane*:

Finally, it’s time for the telethon. And none of the acts can make it. DUE TO THE HURRICANE. So Blanche and Rose set out to do everything themselves. Rose sings a lovely song from Minnesota, called “I Never Thought I’d Grow A Hair there.”

But the only pledges this earns are a $20 and a $50 from Sophia who will only make the donations if Rose stops playing.

After a very sad performance from their only act to show up (a man who impersonates crickets) Rose receives word that they’ve been taken off the air and that the studio is going to be used as a hurricane shelter.

Meanwhile, Dorothy finds Gloria and Stan in bed together again. Oh and I might add that they are in Dorothy’s bed. Ewwwwww.

Oh my gosh, I’m sorry. Let me back up. Dorothy discovered right after she found them together the first time that Sophia had actually tried to set Gloria up with Stan. I say “tried” but maybe I should say “Sophia had successfully set up one of her daughters with her other daughter’s ex-husband.” Sophia then runs off and did I mention that there is a hurricane???

So now Dorothy is frantic, but she really shouldn’t be. Sophia is chilling with her brother Angelo. Angelo tells her she was out of line with the whole Stan thing (duh) and they decide to head to the shelter. Alas, a tree has fallen and trapped them in the house!

Back at the shelter, Stan confesses that he was only with Gloria and the monkey (uh, okay) to make Dorothy jealous. Ugh, poor Gloria. Her mom sets her up with her sister’s ex and he’s just using her to make her sister jealous. But then again, now that I’ve written the previous sentence, I’m not sure why Gloria felt like hooking up with Stan was ever a good idea in the first place.

Oh and remember how Sophia was trapped in that house with Angelo? She’s fine. She literally just walked into the shelter. She makes the girls hug by threatening them with running away into the storm again. (Remember that morbid shirt from earlier??)

Also, remember that targeted advertising I discussed several posts ago? Well, I’ll have you know that I saw a pregnancy test commercial at every single break in this two-part episode. So…not quite sure what to make of that.

*SEE it ain’t easy being an older adult, scroll on up to that Meals on Wheels donation link.