Reboot-o-Rama

Fuller House: Moving Day and Funner House

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ep2In this episode, DJ promises Kimmy’s daughter that she can have her own room, forcing Jackson to move-in with his little brother–kind of like DJ and Stephanie moving in together once Jesse moved in.

Speaking of Jesse, John Stamos shows up and over hears Stephanie giving Jackson an “inspirational” talk. While he’s busy telling her what an amazing job she did with teaching the kid a valuable lesson, Jackson sneaks down the stairs (presumably to run away where he can live alone). As it turns out, Jackson sneaks into the backseat of Jesse’s LA-bound car.stamos

Meanwhile, Stephanie and Kimmy don’t realize that they’ve lost a kid. (DJ has left them in charge while she takes care of a veterinarian emergency.) She comes home after getting a text from Jackson–Jesse discovered him in the car and no-doubt forced him to text his mom. And she’s all ticked off and calls a family meeting. And then they like decide to get along? I don’t know…this was literally the entire episode and I’m not really sure what the point was. This show is so, so bad. It makes Full House seem like cutting-edge comedy.

Very Special Lesson (according to DJ): Respect, Compromise, and Honesty.

Best Joke/Only Kind-Of Good Joke: “I changed so many of Michelle’s diapers, I feel like there were two of her.”

So in a Very Special Blog first, I’m combining two episodes into one post because “Moving Day” was the most boring thing on Earth. So this is “Funner House” and let’s hope that it lives up to that title:
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Also, this is my last episode unless things get much better immediately. I know I said I would review all of these, but I am not a masochist. It’s fun to review things that are ridiculous, but I’m not down to talk about something that’s just plain boring.

Anyway, it is “girls night” so Kimmy, Stephanie and DJ go to a club, where they pick up Val and Maks Chmerkovskiy from Dancing with the Stars and decide to do some tequila shots. This is something that would not have happened on Full House and I’m interested to see how this plays out.

Then Macy Gray shows up! Where has she been? I missed her. This was my jam in 2000:

Apparently, Stephanie and Macy are like BEST friends. Um, but they only talk for 30 seconds. Wait, did Macy Gray literally just make a cameo on Fuller House?
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In some kind of attempt to make Kimmy’s ex jealous (oh yeah, he’s at the club by the way), Stephanie and Macy Gray sing “Time of My Life” from Dirty Dancing while Kimmy and DJ dance kind of like Romy and Michele. It’s actually quite adorable and not nearly as awkward as whatever this was:

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Also, if that’s really Jodie Sweetin singing, then we need to give Stephanie Tanner way more screen time. I’d rather hear her sing for 3 minutes each episode and not have to listen to as many stupid jokes.

Finally, Kimmy & DJ and Kimmy’s-Ex & His Lady Friend are the only couples left in the dance-battle. It all comes down to the final lift. Luckily, Val and Maks are there to jump in when DJ obviously cannot catch Kimmy. And it’s a perfect landing.

Best Joke: Kimmy’s Ex-Husband (to DJ while dancing)- “You’re way out of your league.”
DJ: “For your information, I’m in a league. A bowling league.”

Okay, this still sucks but it was definitely watchable. I legit enjoyed whatever that weird dance was. If you’re looking for the nostalgia factor then watch 1 and 3 and definitely don’t waste any time at all on episode 2.

P.S. The B-plot of this episode was Joey and the three kids having a full on silly string and slime war. So actually, I don’t think I hate Joey. But I do hate that woodchuck.

Fuller House: Our Very First Show, Again

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24920113It’s been 29 years and 90 seconds into this show and I still want to punch Joey in the face. He’s wearing a onesy and already doing some kind of weird voice that is somewhat reminiscent of the wood chuck. Or is the wood chuck? I don’t know.

We see all of the original adults first before we meet the “new adults” (a.k.a. the “old kids”). Here’s what they are up to:
-Joey is doing absolutely nothing (okay actually he’s doing comedy at the Venetian and “kicking Carrot Top’s butt.” Great. Now, I hate Joey even more because Carrot Top is one of my biggest fears, we’re talking actual NIGHTMARES that this dude has haunted in my life. And Joey has just reminded me all over again!)
-Rebecca and Danny are about to start hosting a nationally syndicated morning talk show in LA
-Jesse is going to be in charge of music for General Hospital (hah John Stamos on General Hospital hahaha so clever. Gag me with a spoon.)

Then DJ and Stephanie start taking over the show and want to know where Michelle is. Their dad says she’s too busy running her fashion empire and then everyone stares down the camera. Talk about an incredibly weird way to break the fourth-wall. It’s so awkward.

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So here’s what the new adults are up to:
-DJ Tanner is a veterinarian
-Stephanie is a musician (called it). Actually, she’s a dj called “DJ Tanner.” Uh, okay.
-Kimmy is really weird and I’m not really sure what her job is but she’s like talking about not having ever dropped acid but having once taken an antacid…what? I don’t know but she’s actually for once less annoying than Stephanie who will NOT stop doing a really terrible fake British accent for what, I believe, is meant to be comedy.

Then Kimmy Gibbler puts her feet on the table and Steph says, “How rude!” I’d like to give her props for very naturally making a catch phrase happen again after 20 years, but mostly I’m just realized that this has “snapped” her out of her British accent. (So apparently it wasn’t “fake” and she was stuck in it because of all her her time spent in England…omg…)

The best part of this show is the credits. Carly Rae Jepsen is amazing AS ALWAYS! And the opening credits for the new leads are super adorable. The opening credits for the old leads are split screen shots of them doing exactly what they did 20 years ago in the opening credits, next to the original opening credits from 20 years ago. So basically you get to see how much Lori Loughlin and John Stamos have not aged at all–Bob Saget and Dave Coulier…well they look a bit different…

Anyway, everyone goes to the party that DJ Tanner (Stephanie) is dj-ing it, except for Joey. He needs to prove his usefulness, so he stays home with infant Tommy.

OMG IT’S THAT DAMN WOODCHUCK. He stayed home so he could play with that damn woodchuck! Also, is that a wedding band on Joey’s finger? Someone married that dude? Hm…

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Tommy is now sobbing because the woodchuck is terrifying. I mean, your instincts are dead on, kid. I too think this is horrible, and even more so if I was an infant with a 55 year old man I barely knew crouched by my crib with a GIANT puppet and using a creepy-voice-from-hell to make the woodchuck “talk.”

Oh wait…the party is in the living room? So yeah, everyone gets to go to the party. Once Joey is done terrifying the baby, even he goes to the party. Kimmy’s ex-husband stops by to drop of their child (Ramona). He’s pretty hot and still really into Kimmy and no one can understand why. Apparently, she’s really good in bed. Well, good for her. It’s high time that Kimmy Gibbler found her niche.

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Steph plays New Kids on the Block and all of the girls get excited before they even know what song it is. Luckily, it’s “The Right Stuff”–the only New Kids song worth getting excited about. But then they stop it after 30 seconds, so I guess this show couldn’t afford the full royalties and had to settle for the public use sample.

DJ’s ex boyfriend shows up and tells THE RECENT WIDOW that he’s ready to start dating again whenever she’s ready??????? He says it nicely but this is so madly inappropriate. But he does explain how they get their new puppy. Apparently, he’s the owner of a pregnant Comet Jr, jr.

I know I called this too, but I didn’t think it would happen quite so soon.
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Jesse and Becky’s kids are kind of cute now. And they’re not trying to force them in front of the camera now that they’re adults, so I don’t really hate them anymore.

Then they all make Jesse sing “Forever” and the entire party sings backup in perfect harmony. But then Bob Saget takes over and sings “Wild Thing,” which is actually the funniest thing to happen on Fuller House to date. (I should mention that it’s not that funny, but luckily this is only the first episode).

When DJ is giving Steve all of the leftover food from the party, he takes this as another opportunity to mention that they should be together. He even (badly) sings “Forever” to her and says he should have asked her to marry him at the prom.
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Anyway, in case you are still at all interested, Steve is a divorced podiatrist. And we also learn that Kimmy has apparently been spying on a naked Danny from her 2nd story window for years. I could have done without knowing that.

So then Comet Jr, jr. has her puppies and DJ has to help birth them. The biggest difference in the setup of the original show vs. the new show is that DJ refuses to ask for help. Danny knew he was overwhelmed and called in a favor from his friends/family. But DJ feels that she’s responsible and has to do everything herself–ah, the struggles of being a woman.

But the family overhears her crying and talking to Tommy on the baby monitor, so Danny decides to give up his talk show and stay and help. Actually, all the adults agree to help. And Joey is wayyyy to ready to move back in. But Jesse still wants to live in LA hah. Steph and Kimmy decide to stay and help out even though DJ says she’s fine. Steph tells the original adults that it’s the younger adults’ responsibility now and they should live their own LA lives. And thus, there is Fuller House!
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This acting is a bit stilted. The original leads are strong as ever, but they’ve been acting ever since the first show ended. Jodi Sweetin is probably the strongest of the new leads, but Candace Cameron Bure is most comfortable when directly relating to the kids on the show. Since she’s a mom in real life, I’m guessing this is the more natural acting for her. But she might fall back into it. Andrea Barber is still funny, but she admitted that she hasn’t acted in a while and felt a bit rusty…I mean you can kind of tell but we’ll see how it goes.

Also, DJ’s middle son (who is basically a mini Danny Tanner) is the only kid who I find entertaining at this point. There’s some kind of mild flirtation happening between Ramona and Dj’s oldest son, whatever his name is. But otherwise, I feel like they don’t have characters yet.

Oh well, I enjoyed this more than Girl Meets World.

The Best and Worst of Fuller House’s New Trailer

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If you haven’t seen it, check it out below. A LOT is going on.

I think it’s plain to see that this is going to be awful. And I am so freaking excited. But some parts of this look worse than others, so let me go ahead and break it down for you:

The Worst
-Steve. I was excited for him to return to the show, but then I saw him in this preview and I remembered why that episode where DJ breaks up with him on the mountain is so oddly satisfying.
-Kimmy being “stuck in the 90’s.” This better be a one-off gag in a bottle episode because a reboot character being “stuck” in the decade of the original series makes me want to vom all over the place.
-The three boys and one is a baby thing. Yep, I find this “major premise of the show” to be one of the worst parts of the reboot. Not only is this the same number of kids/adults but opposite gender roles from the original cast but they’re all like exactly the same age! Like wtf are the odds that your spouse dies at roughly the same age as your father’s spouse and you just so happen to have an infant and two older children roughly the age of you and your sisters when your mother died. That is NOT a universe I want to live in. I dunno…was that coherent? I just got back from a work even in which there was a surprise round of tequila shots, so I’m not editing for coherency right now…but could they not at least make the kids different ages?? Like maybe one’s a toddler and one’s in high school?

The Best
-Carly Rae Jepsen’s revitalized “Everywhere You Look” theme song. But I’m not surprised. She’s awesome. And “Call Me Maybe” is and will always be my car’s favorite song.
-Stephanie Tanner being a badass. She’s the only one of the main characters who lands all of her jokes in the trailer. Plus, is that a Stephanie Tanner dance performance I see?
-John Stamos. This should come as a surprise to know one. This man is television gold.

I’m on the fence about
-the catch phrases…
I want to gouge my eyes out every time I see Joey do the stupid “cut it out” hand motion. And calling “Michelle” at 5 am EST to yell “You got it dude” into her voicemail is the worst thing I’ve ever heard. But the whole John Stamos/Jodie Sweetin catchphrase exchange was very adorable and it didn’t feel forced at all (ahem, Dave Coulier you can just cut it the f*** out, thank you very much).

The Very Best
-Kimmy Gibler’s earrings at 0:37 and that bacon and eggs scarf at 1:03. Etsy friends, can you hook me up with one or both of these?

3 Things We Learned from the new Fuller House Teaser

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With little over a month to go before the big premiere, Netlfix is dropping a few more hints about what the Tanner Family has been up to over the past couple of decades.

-Stephanie has continued to follow her Uncle Jesse’s musical footsteps. Maybe. (You can see Danny carrying a box that says “Stephanie’s Music Fragile.” What kind of instruments fit in that little box and are fragile? Or are her compositions written on fragile parchment paper? Is she only recording on vinyl and wants to be sure no one drops the box? But I replayed this like 22 times and finally heard Jodie Sweetin say, “It’s my rare records.” So maybe she’s not a musician…or is she?)
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-Joey still has that dumb puppet. (Kimmy has a box labeled Mr. Woodchuck and Joey’s like all excited to bring out that godforsaken puppet. Why are they unpacking it? Is Mr. Woodchuck moving in with the Tanner girls & Kimmy? I hope not. Maybe they’re going through the attic while move in? I’m not going to watch Mr. Woodchuck, guys. I will NOT.)
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-Kimmy Gibbler has become a lot more normal. Throughout this entire promo she’s in normal-mom mode. And none of the Tanner-Katsopolis-Gladstone adults seem to mind her like they used to. Is Kimmy all good with the family now or are they just distracted by moving? Will everyone still think she’s annoying except for DJ?

I have so many questions! I don’t know if I can wait until February! I hope this is one of those things that they “accidentally” release early and that I happen to be on Netflix when that happens.

Girl Meets Cory and Topanga

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I’m so late posting this, you’ve probably all read 70 reviews already. No, I’m the only one who reads that many reviews of one episode? Well, I’m hoping you have time for one more very special review of last night’s episode of Girl Meets World. But this post also has a very special guest star! My boyfriend, who so kindly critiqued this episode with me has allowed me to share his snarky thoughts as well.

In this episode, Riley starts to feel crappy that she’s not very good at anything, whereas Cory and Topanga are pretty much awesome. The boyfriend says, “Well, I’m glad they’re addressing this. She does seem useless. At least little Cory liked baseball.” That’s a fair assessment. For being the lead character in this show, Riley really doesn’t have much of a character.

Riley takes this really far and decides that she’ll never amount to anything in life. Ever. So she tries to become a nun so her life will have meaning. A nun tells her that no one is perfect and no one even comes close to the most perfect person she knows. I thought she was talking about God, but then out walks Topanga–who has just saved their orphanage.

Naturally, the only thing for Riley to do is imagine herself in the stories her parents tell her. That’s right folks, this is NOT A TIME TRAVEL EPISODE. It’s an imagination episode. And it consists of Riley observing her parents in two scenes. The first is where Cory and Topanga bond over shooting “baskets” with clean socks and a laundry basket. This leads Riley to believe she is a “goof” like her dad. But her mom is still perfect.

Until the next memory, the infamous O-zone layer poem scene, in which she and Riley determine that Topanga is even more of a goof than Cory.

All of this somehow confirms to Riley that she is unique (because she is 1/2 Cory and 1/2 Topanga) and will make something out of her life. Then the episode abruptly ends.

Very Special Lesson: If you have no sense of self, but you have cool parents, then don’t worry. You’re going to be just fine because genetics.

Things Get Even Weirder on Girl Meets World

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I’m sure I don’t even have to explain to you that I’m definitely going to be watching tomorrow’s episode of Girl Meets World, but I have to say that this promo
a. makes me feel older than this show already did
b. is kind of making my head spin because like wtf 90’s America + modern day rip off show + all of the nostalgia + my childhood + my current stress levels = what is life in this twilight zone?? and will we see Eric with his awesome hair??
c. is probably something you should watch for yourself and then talk to me about in the comments

Girl Meets World: Girl Meets Creativity

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Two Girl Meets World episodes in a row? What have I become?? I’ve become swamped by work. I work 7 days a week on salary and I want to cry and can we please get that new overtime law passed? Anyway, Girl Meets World episodes are like 20 minutes long and have improved to the point where they don’t make me cringe all the time. Plus, this is the second week in a row where an original BMW cast-member is chilling with the GMW team.

Screen Shot 2015-08-22 at 7.54.28 PMIn this episode, the affluent and by-far newest looking public school in New York city, John Quincy Middle School, is cutting art, dance, and music classes. I felt like this had to be a charter school because of how ridiculous this schools resources are but looks like I stand corrected. Anyway, now everyone is up-in-arms because the “underprivileged” character, Maya, cannot paint anymore. Uh, hello you live in New York City–a place where public schools suck and art is widely accessible. So I don’t get the drama of this episode, but what’s new? Except that public schools should have art, duh.

Screen Shot 2015-08-22 at 7.55.25 PMAnyway, the kids yell at Mr. Turner (superintendent, remember) and then they perform their love of art in front of the school board. Their performances suck and sort of just made me agree with the school board since obviously no one taught these kids anything anyway. But then Farkle alternates between rattling off prime numbers and doing a beautiful tap dance and like I am moved. I mean this kid is a good dancer but like the juxtaposition is just speaking to me right now. (This is your brain on over a month of 80 hour work weeks).

Screen Shot 2015-08-22 at 7.55.56 PMThen Riley does another interpretive dance and I once again do not care that these programs are losing funding. They need to remove her from this meeting, seriously. Then it turns out that one of the board members is a studio art major. And so then she has a moral dilemma. With only 3 minutes left, how will it end?? They decide to like put off the decision and try to be more creative, I think.

Screen Shot 2015-08-22 at 7.55.16 PMThere are still so many unanswered Mr. Turner questions. He an Shawn have yet to have screen time together. I need them to face-off. There must be a day of reckoning. Why did Mr. Turner heal, never to bond with Shawn again? Why did he only teach classes with Minkus on the other side of the school? And where can I buy a cool shirt like, Auggie is wearing? I need answers!

Girl Meets World: Matthew Lawrence Returns

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It’s semi-formal time at John Quincy Adams Middle School. For whatever reason “The School Board” sends over an etiquette video from the 1950’s for Corey to show the kids. I’m 99% sure the narration for this video is voiced by Will Friedle. Anyway, Corey’s kid freaks out because her (unofficial?) boyfriend hasn’t asked her to the dance. And I don’t really care. I’m writing about this episode because the biggest dream-boat to ever grace our screens as a Boy Meets World cast member is making a return appearance in this episode.

Eric is in town to meet with a sleazy big business guy .who is going to try to buy his vote. He’s a senator now, by the way. It turns out that Jack (having joined the Peace Corps with Rachel) has shunned his altruistic ways and joined this nasty company. He’s the guy Eric has to meet with. Well, I guess Eric isn’t required to meet with him, but this explains why he took the meeting.

So Eric decides to take Jack to the school dance, which he describes as going “back in time.” He calls Cory “Feeny” lol. And Jack is all like Remember when we were just like these kids? And I want to be like No. They didn’t know you in middle school. They knew you in college. Who compares a college memory to a middle school memory? But whatever. I like seeing the original show’s cast back, so however they need to force it is fine with me.

Jack asks Cory what it’s like having a daughter, so Cory asks Jack to help Riley with her love life. (She’s trying to decide between two boys or something). I mean like wtf why would you ask a friend you haven’t seen in years to do something so ridiculous right in front of your kid? Like deal with your own kid, jerk.

So Jack compares Riley’s middle school situation to that time that he and Eric lived with Rachel and both wanted to date her. Well, I mean he makes it way more PG. Riley asks how Rachel felt about each of them and Jack tells her that she liked him as a boyfriend. Eric tells her that Rachel liked him as a brother. We then learn that Rachel and Jack haven’t talked in a really long time, whereas Eric and Rachel talk all the time. So Jack tells her that having close friends is “the best choice you can make.”

Then no one can figure out who Riley is at the dance with. Like who is her date? And they’re like oh well. “We’re all friends and we’re all dancing. What else is there to figure out?” I mean this is like a sentiment I would have accepted in college, but this is like freaking middle school. Where is the drama? The catty and possessive behavior? It’s a black-and-white world in your thirteen year-old mind and you have to pick one of the boys to be your boyfriend. Then a week later you have to dramatically break up with that boyfriend and realize that the other boy was your true love forever. I mean it’s like these writers have never been to a middle school dance!

Anyway, Matthew Lawrence still looks good, and isn’t that all that really matters?

Girl Meets Mr. Turner

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Those rascally kids at John Quincy Adams Middle School have scared off their English teacher! And so they get a lady version of Mr. Turner. She walks into the room wearing leather of the motorcycle variety. Her first English lesson involves handing them all band new copies of Batman: The Dark Knight Returns. So. I would like to sign up for this 8th grade English class please.

Riley, little disrespectful brat, says to the cool new teacher, “Um. Aren’t you supposed to be teaching us the important books?” RUDE. The cool teacher tells her it is important. She also tells the class to call her by her first name, Harper. And that they will “figure out” her namesake.

Alas, this revolutionary teaching is short-lived. The principal sees “comic books” out on the desks and shames Harper into teaching To Kill a Mockingbird instead. I guess those kids will be figuring out that namesake sooner rather than later. But maybe not. Harper defies the principal’s orders and proceeds with teaching The Dark Knight Returns. 

At dinner, the girls are so psyched about their homework that they’re rushing through everything. Topanga asks them what’s up and they talk about how cool the new teacher is. Recognizing that they are describing a lady version of Mr. Turner, Topanga asks Cory if he was on the search committee for the new teacher, and he replies that he was. And then they tell their children how they had one teacher other than Mr. Feeny and that Mr. Feeny was that teacher’s principal.And the kids are like No, way would one teacher teach you forever AND be your principal in today’s world. And Cory is all like, “we’ll see.”

The next day the principal fires Harper and won’t even let her explain her lesson plan. To be fair, as a new teacher she probably should have explained her lesson plan as soon as he asked her to teach a different book. But no, she’s a rebel and she decide to just ignore him and continue doing what she was doing. Maya and Riley get Cory to intervene and he’s all like, “how can you possible fire someone like her?” And then he does that whole if she goes, I go thing. So they both get fired.

But Topanga’s all lawyer-y and she’s all like NOPE. A principal can’t fire a tenured public school teacher. Duh. So now the principal will have to take this up with the superintendent, and he can fire both of them. Except, no. He cannot. An independent hearing officer is responsible for dismissing tenured teachers in New York City and it is basically impossible to dismiss a tenured teacher. But fine, since this is the freaking twilight zone of Boy Meets World, let’s just take it up with the superintendent–who happens to be Mr. Turner.

This should be no surprise at all as it seems that literally everyone from John Adams High has made the 90 minute trek up I-95 and relocated to the village. Even those people that we haven’t seen in a freaking decade. So Mr. Turner is all like, “I taught the X-Men on my first day.” And the principal is all devastated that he has clearly screwed up here, but who gives a crap? We’re finally getting the answers we need about Mr. Turner’s post-accident days!

Here’s what he’s been up to:
-He married his nurse
-He hired Cory to his teaching position
-He frequently visits Cory at his home (except Auggie apparently has never met him until he comes over for dinner at the end of the episode)

Omg. Wtf. That’s all we get to know???

Then Maya and Riley lurk outside the window because all they care about is spying on the adults in their lives.

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Oh well, Mr. Turner does immediately recognize Farkle as Stuart Minkus’s son–no introduction needed–so maybe he was over on the “other part of the school” teaching honors classes.