Very Special Movie

The Definitive Ranking of Teen Witch Songs: Worst to Best

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Guys, we need to talk about the original music in Teen Witch. I previously posted about the *stellar* costumes in this movie, but I neglected to give the soundtrack the respect it deserves. The Very Special Blog leaves no pop culture stone unturned! And thus I give you, the definitive Teen Witch song ranking from worst to best.

High School Blues
Not to be mistaken for a New Kids on the Block audition tape, this song introduces us to the the resident group of “tough guy” rappers. It’s also making it painfully obvious to me that I don’t remember seeing any black people in this movie.

Get Up and Move (stop this video at 2:42 or spoilers!)
The second half of this is okay, but the beginning is too boring for words. Get up and move? Sorry, I’m already asleep.

Shame (The Harvest Dance Song)
This song plays while Louise changes into her “cool dance outfit.” Shout out to the creepy DJ who encourages everyone to “sow some wild oats” and the dance committee that was so committed to the harvest theme that there are literally bales of hay on the dance floor. This song is ambient and catchy and I would dance to it at an 80’s party.

Finest Hour
 This is the Teen Witch version of “Time of My Life,” which is to say cheaper and cheesier. This song runs at 2 minutes and 45 seconds but somehow manages to feel like a solid eight minutes. It’s also somehow the climax of the movie, so there’s no avoiding it.

I Like Boys
This is a “cheer,” apparently. But it’s cute and I feel like whoever made the stage version of the movie must have had this song in mind specifically. It seems like this song would be right at home in Legally Blonde: The Musical

Never Gonna Be the Same Again
This is the film’s opening. The OPENING CREDITS, you guys! I for one, would like to thank this song for setting up the bizarre wonderland that is the rest of this movie. Also, I’d rate this song higher if it were sung by Taylor Dayne.

Top That
 If this movie is a cult classic, then this song is a cult classic in and of itself. What to say about “Top That”? I think this masterpiece speaks to itself and has clearly spoken to an entire generation of movie watchers. I’m included both the original and a shot-for-shot remake featuring Arrested Development‘s Alia Shawkat.


Popular Girl
This song is the quintessential Teen Witch song. It is the epitome of bubblegum, but play this when you’re having a rough day and tell me it doesn’t get you back on your feet.

Unfortunately, some fool decided to NOT release an original soundtrack to this film. But here is a super cut of “I Like Boys,” “Top That,” “Popular Girl,” and “My Finest Hour.” So go ahead. Have yourself a little Teen Witch dance party

Adventures in Babysitting

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Tonight on a very special episode of The Very Special Blog, I provide you with more in depth analysis than you ever wanted on the 1987 tour-de-force, Adventures in Babysitting…

I was talking to my BFF Anne about how I haven’t watched any of the Pitch Perfect movies because I was afraid that they would give me a very specific type of FOMO. I call it the “I want to be up there and randomly signing with my friends! FOMO” though this can also happen with things involving choreographed dances. Suffice it to say, I have a really odd mixture of FOMO and adoration every time I watch Teen Witch.

Adventures in Babysitting also gives me a little FOMO and I think that’s somehow got a lot to do with this opening scene:

This all starts off with Chris (national treasure, Elisabeth Shue) prepping for a big date. Her boyfriend cancels on her at the very last minute, telling her that he has to babysit his kid sister and she’s “contagious” so Chris cannot come over and help. Chris’s best friend, Brenda, calls bullshit on the situation. But Chris won’t hear it. And with no plans for the evening, she goes to babysit for the Andersons.

large_atiryv7ysscidi4ionui0m8dp7So we head over to the Anderson home to meet the kids. But one of the kids, Brad, is like 15 years old and I can’t understand for the life of me why he’s not babysitting his little sister. In the opening sequence, we established that this is the kind of movie in which older male children babysit their younger female siblings. So like does one have to be 18 to babysit a younger sibling? Cause I’m pretty sure a 15 year old can make sure that an 8 year old doesn’t burn down the house. If this is not the case, then I think we all need to have a serious discussion about The Babysitters-Club.

The little girl, Sara, is obsessed with Thor, so obviously she’s cool and probably my favorite character in this movie. She’s also got a backpack featuring Gizmo from Gremlins.

300x300Now, there are some obvious problems with this script. The most glaring of which I find to be an extended exchange between the Anderson children, in which Brad tells Sara that Thor is a “total homo” and Sara repeatedly tries to make him “take-it back.” My first thought is of my friend’s fiancee, who as a closeted person in 1987 went alone to the movie theater to see Adventures in Babysitting. Obviously, he already had to go to see this movie on the DL since it isn’t the most “manly” movie to attend and I imagine it must have felt pretty shitty to see a light-comedy shit on your sexual orientation within the first ten minutes. Plus Anthony Rapp, from Rent, shows up a little later on in the film in a major supporting role as Brad’s friend Darryl. I felt like homophobic lines in the script must have been tough for him as well, and actually he commented on it in his Reddit AMA, which you can check out here. He basically says that he feels that it was true to the time and would not exist in a script today. I don’t feel like I would be so zen about it if it were me but to each his own.

Shortly into her baby-sitting job, Chris gets a call from Brenda–who has run away from home. She’s calling from the bus station in downtown Chicago and she’s distraught. In what must be the most poorly thought-out plan ever, Brenda has spent all of her money on the cab to the bus station and thus has no money to purchase a ticket. She can’t leave kids at home because they threaten to rat her out, so she takes them with her to Chicago.

adventures-in-baby-sitting-2While on the expressway, they have a tire blowout. First of all, mad props to Chris for safely navigating a station wagon full of children to the side of the interstate without full tire traction. Secondly, she’s forgotten her wallet and they have no money to pay for a tow. They’re all creeped out when a tow truck driven by a man with a hook stops to pick them up. I mean I guess it IS a classic horror story trope, but like they’re really rude to this nice man who’s just trying to help them. Finally, Chris realizes she’s been an asshole. She apologizes and the man, John Pruitt, offers to tow them and by them a new tire. Everything’s good until John Pruitt gets a call on his CB radio. His lady’s been stepping out on him, her lover’s car is in front of their place, and he thinks that driving around with a bunch of random kids in his tow truck is the perfect time to seek his revenge.

tumblr_o2d6vs6b1l1qz8ui7o1_1280John Pruitt runs into a house with a gun and starts firing shots. A man with his pants open falls backwards out of a window and onto the porch. I seriously don’t think this would pass standards for a kids movie in 2016.While John Pruitt, chases his wife’s lover out into the street, Chris et al get into the lover’s car–which by the way has been carjacked. But it’s like carjacked by THE nicest carjacker on the planet. They ask him to let them off at the next corner and he’s like not going to do it because it’s a bad neighborhood. He’s going to take them to the train station instead. And then Chris is all like “Do you promise me you won’t hurt these kids?” which is like something a little rude and insulting to some dude who just promised to take you somewhere safe and like even if he’s NOT going to do that, then why the heck are you challenging him while he literally holds your life in his hands??

Since he actually is a nice guy, he promises not to hurt any of them. And then he takes them to a chop shop. The rest of the guys there are not so nice, so the kids all sneak out through the rafters of the building, lest the be murdered. But Darryl swipes a Playboy  from the chop shop. If not for this, I honestly think the chop shop guys might have just let them get away. Instead they chase them through some back alleys and into a night club. Chris and the kids run on stage in the middle of blues set in order to avoid their would be assassins. So then the band makes Chris sing. It’s really awkward. Like really awkward.

After leaving the nightclub, Chris spots Mr. Anderson’s office building, where the kids parents are currently at a function. She thinks they should give themselves up, but then she sees Darryl talking to a child prostitute and remembers that she’s supposed to pick up Brenda or else she may face a similar fate.

adventures-in-babysitting-1Brenda, in another idiot move, took off her glasses at the train station and is now legally blind. She mistakes a rat for a kitten and probably needs to get some rabies shots as soon as he gets back to the suburbs.

Meanwhile, the kids have evaded the chop shop guys and made it safely to the El train. But their victory is short lived because the train car they’ve picked is also the site of a rumble between to rival gangs. (Also, I fully expected there to be a rumble on a subway car in The Warriors but that straight up did not happen. Seems like a missed opportunity.) Anyway, Chris politely asks the gang members to wait to fight each other until she can get the kids off the train at the next stop and they call her a bitch. Then Brad is all like “don’t call her a bitch.” And then some dude stabs Brad in the foot with a switchblade and tells him not to “f*ck with the Lords of Hell.” Chris takes the knife out of his foot and threatens the gang member with it, saying “Don’t fuck with the babysitter.” So they hop off the train at the next stop (which just so happens to be the hospital).

At the hospital, they bump into none other than John Pruitt. He’s paid for all of the repairs to their car. (He banged it up pretty good when he hopped the curb chasing down his wife’s lover. Oh and he also accidentally shot the front windshield.) Unfortunately, this leaves him with no extra cash to pay for the flat tire and they’ll have to come up with $50 to pay the owner of the garage.

MSDADIN EC004Then they pass a frat party and Darryl runs away from the group to join the festivities, which by the sounds of it involve a bad Huey Lewis cover band doing a bad cover of Soul Survivors’s “Expressway to Your Heart.” Also, Sara has to pee. So Chris is all like yeah you can use the bathroom at the frat party. Uh, okay. I mean yikes. I’d hate to see that bathroom. (Also, at the party there is a whole subplot about how Chris has been mistaken for a Playboy centerfold because she looks exactly like Miss March and yadda yadda yadda that’s all I’ll say about that.)

So while one teen boy is missing in a frat house and another teen boy waits in line for the bathroom with his little sister, Chris decides to slow dance with a fraternity brother. Cut to: Darryl and some college student who is dangerously close to committing statutory rape.

On a side note is “Gimme Shelter” the most used song ever in television/film? It even makes an appearance in this movie as Chris’s new frat bro boyfriend drives them to the garage to pick up the car. He’s also loaned them $45 but claims that’s all he can find. He is so obviously a dude with a trust fund though, so I’m skeptical that this was seriously all he could come up with.

As it turns out, the owner of the garage looks exactly like Thor. But he’s not willing to accept $45 for a $50 job and instead crushes a little girls dreams by demanding an extra $5 from her babysitter before he will release their car. (He is played by a very young Vincent Donofrio and I gotta say he’s looking fine.) Eventually he comes around much like Mean Joe from that old coke commercial. But like if the coke was actually a Thor helmet. Watch it for yourself here:


But God forbid this movie ever actually end, so we cut to the chop shop guys stalking the babysitter and crew yet again.

s-l225Also, remember that guy from the very opening scene? Yeah well Chris spots his car at the fancy French restaurant where he was supposed to take her for dinner. He’s with some other girl. Chris and her charges tell him off. He’s such a scum bucket so this is really rewarding to watch. Oh yeah and in the meantime, they’ve managed to misplace Sara–who wandered away from the restaurant to look inside a toy store window and is now scaling the side of the building in order to avoid the chop shop guys. Oh yeah and that building just so happens to be where her parents are attending a party which is the entire reason they hired a babysitter in the first place.

Miraculously, Chris and company make it home first and the parents are none the wiser. Also, Sara left a roller skate in the back seat of the frat bro’s car. So he shows up at the house just as Chris is leaving and they live happily ever after.

Oh and there’s a whole subplot about Brad having a schoolboy crush on Chris. I left that out even though it’s pretty heavily covered in the movie. But someone else can write a post about that.

And there is a throw away line to the parents at the end of the movie that “Brad stayed home.” I guess we can assume that he was meant to go out that night and that Chris was only hired to babysit Sara, so that does indeed lend more credibility to this setup than I originally acknowledged.

Very Special Lesson: To all the moms out there, drop your 17 year old daughter off at her babysitting assignments and under no circumstances leave her lone with your station wagon. Furthermore, having sufficient amounts of cash on hand at all times could have solved most of these problems.

Also, this soundtrack is awesome. Highly recommend it.

Lastly, has anyone seen this Disney reboot of Adventures in Babysitting? Tell me all about it in the comments.

I Know What You Did Last Summer

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I really don’t like slasher movies. But this was a “cool teenager” movie that I wasn’t allowed to see as an elementary schooler back in 1997, so I’ve always been a bit curious.

i_know_what_you_did_last_summerThe movie starts off with a beauty pageant. Sarah Michelle Geller (Helen) is winning, but I think we’re supposed to think that she thinks it’s a bullshit contest. We cut to Freddie Prinze, Jr. (Ray), Jennifer Love Hewitt (Julie), and Ryan Philippe (Barry) sitting not with the crowd but rather alone in the balcony, seeming to imply both literally and figuratively that they are “above” this small town pageantry. (Oh yeah, VS Readers, this is a critical analysis kind of post.)

Julie is sad that she and Ray will probably split up when they go to college at the end of the Summer. But he tells her that “the success rate of high school sweetheart relationship is higher than any other type of relationship” and she tells him to “cite your source.” So then he puts his hand over his heart like his heart is his source and I would ordinarily puke but Freddie Prinze, Jr. can get away with a lot of stuff in my book. So then she takes off her cardigan sweater, which I guess is like BIG. I mean maybe she just ALWAYS wears a cardigan and taking it off is like the equivalent of removing one’s pants in her world because Ray says, “Are you sure?” and she nods (aw I mean I appreciate the clear consent, so yay) and then they have sex. SO I don’t know how we got from cardigan removal to “are you sure you want to have sex with me?” but at least they are on the same page and that’s all that matters. Or like wait. Maybe she was just saying yes she’s sure she’d like to remove her cardigan…erm well maybe a teen movie from 1997 is not the best source of guidance on this topic.

rs_560x415-140915195510-1024-i-know-what-you-did-last-summer-1-ms-091514_copyAnyway, Barry gets so drunk that he can’t drive his BMW home. But rather than just chilling in the back seat and letting his friend drive his sorry drunk ass home, he sticks his head out of the sun roof and drops an open bottle of alcohol all over Ray’s lap–causing him to careen into a pedestrian, who admittedly was crossing a dark road on a curve but still… So because they are selfish bastards who don’t seem to be concerned as to whether or not this dude has a family that may be worried about his disappearance, they decide to dump the body in the ocean.

But before than can do any body-dumping, David from Roseanne shows up as some dude named Max. Julie and Ray get rid of him by playing it cool and acting like Barry is just casually drunk vomiting on the side of the road. Ray decides that speaking like a middle aged country clubber is the best way not to arouse suspicion and says thing like “What can I do for you, Max?” and “We’ll be seeing you Max.”

In a last minute moment of “compassion” they decide to check this dude’s wallet to see who he is. But when Helen goes to check it out, he reaches out and grabs her. Time to call an ambulance, right? Nope, instead they beat him back and toss him in the water. But he’s grabbed her beauty pageant crown and now Barry has to dive in to the water and reclaim the evidence. He’s like definitely still alive under the water and opens his eyes. So Barry flips out and leaves him to drown. These people are horrible and I can’t wait to see them be terrorized for the next hour and fifteen minutes.

39c5fdfd5a623d4e2f91072341d67079-0They all vow never to speak of the incident again, but that doesn’t last very long because about a year later Julie gets a note: “I KNOW WHAT YOU DID LAST SUMMER!” (For you close readers, you’ll recognize that as the title of this film.) So she starts rounding up the team. Unsurprisingly, they don’t speak to each other anymore and they’re all miserable. They immediately think it was Max, so Barry beats him up. This is obviously just a red herring and my money is one of the four-some betraying the others.

The someone tries to run over Barry with his own car. That person gets out of the car with a hook but doesn’t kill him. This is all very clearly to send a message.

Julie and Helen decide to play amateur detective and head out to David Egan’s family home. (David Egan is the dead guy BTW. They found out his name from a newspaper article.) They run into Anne Heche who seems them peering through a window. They make up some phony story about needing to call AAA and she doesn’t seem to care that they were about to break in her window. She’s David’s sister and she answers all of their inappropriately probing questions without ever appearing to become suspicious. Actually, she may be suspicious because she runs out to their car to give them back the cigarettes that Helen left behind. They’re just sitting there chatting while running a car that they said wouldn’t start.

summerMore shenanigans ensue. Someone cuts off Helen’s hair in the middle of the night. Someone puts Max’s dead body with crabs in Julie’s car. And Ray gets a threatening note. Barry is convinced that Ray is terrorizing them all. Crap, that was my guess. But it’s too early so it’s probably another red herring. But even though this person is clearly willing to murder them all, they still want to track him down and talk to him? So Helen rides in the 4th of July parade on the pageant float while Barry sits conspicuously at the front, scanning the crowd for any shady characters.

Also, am I really supposed to believe that it is July in North Carolina and all of these lead characters are wearing sweaters?

So Julie goes back to speak to the sister again. She once again shares a ton of info. And this gradually causes Julie to realize that the man they hit with the car is not David Egan. In fact, David also got a scary note saying “I WILL NEVER FORGET LAST SUMMER!” His sister thought it was a suicide note because David’s girlfriend past away the previous summer…but basically it seems like there’s a weird super-human killer out there in this North Carolina town and it’s not Robert DeNiro. (Cape Fear is still giving me nightmares.)

Anyway, while the slasher is busy killing Barry and Helen, Julie reads more newspaper article and figures out that the killer is most likely the father of David Egan’s girlfriend.

aqu112-034You know what guys, I think Ray is up to no good. I do NOT trust him. Omg wait. Now I’m not sure. Some dude just punched Ray in the face because he was chasing after Julie and like then he told her to run to his boat and she did but it’s so obviously A TRAP. Ugh, yep. She’s like definitely on the killer’s boat now. But luckily Ray helps her out because he is in fact, not the killer. It was all very harrowing and I would recount it but I feel like this is already way to long and I did scream at a level audible to my neighbors at multiple points in this movie. So basically, the bad guy’s arm gets caught in some kind of like rig on the boat. (I don’t know boat things so I can’t explain better…) and then he like gets strung upside down by the rig and then lands in the water, presumably drowning (again). Anyway, when the cops show up they can only retrieve his severed hand still holding the hook. The implication is that he’s hanging around still trying to kill them. This is confirmed by the last couple of minutes in the movie in which he stalks Julie at school and leaves a threatening note for her on the shower door, “I STILL KNOW WHAT YOU DID LAST SUMMER,” which is a movie I probably will not be watching.

Very Special Lesson: Do your research – if they’d read all of the available newspaper articles at the start of this movie, then they could have saved themselves a lot of trouble. Also,

For Your Consideration: Satisfaction

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cd90d059fe2f263f038a5565f6ec7161I have an HBONow largely because Silicon Valley is the funniest show on television. But I’ve also been justifying the membership cost by expanding my movie horizons. That’s how I found Satisfaction, a 1988 film starring Justine Bateman, Julia Roberts, Liam Neeson, and a bunch of other people. Julia Roberts caught my eye on the movie poster, Liam Neeson lent this a shred of credibility, but it was Justine Bateman who drew me in. I love her and I want to go back to 1988 and marry her, but I realize I’ll have to settle for this movie instead.

Justine is the lead singer of a rock band. They spend the first few minutes of the movie proving how tough they are. This includes: throwing a jay-walking citation in the trash and ripping the radio antenna off of their car to use as a weapon.

And why is this weapon necessary? They’re engaged in a turf war with some teenage boys because they “popped” a vending machine over on Freemont.

Well, like how are you going to listen to the radio now?

But actually this is really high stakes. This dude pulls a knife and one of the girls has to whip his hand with the radio antenna. And then he hits their van with his van and their van ends up in the river. (But don’t worry, the girls jump out just in time.)

So what kind of music does this tough-girl band play?

They play covers of late 60’s music. Justine plays the cowbell. She also does all of her own singing. (It’s not great.)

satisfaction-2

Also, they’re so hardcore that their guitarist is addicted to (check-it) MARIJUANA! (I sense an intervention to follow.) The first major conflict in this film is that the bar they’re supposed to play at is closed on the first night of their summer-long gig.

So they go to some random house where I guess the bar owner lives? I have no idea. But they’re greeted by an angry Doberman Pinscher, so the stoned guitarist sings him “Amazing Grace” until he is docile. Ohhhh okay, so this is Liam Neeson’s house. He has a lot of Gold Records and is apparently in charge of the auditioning bands for this bar residency.

los-10-chicas-mas-sexys-de-las-historietas8-pngHOLD ON A MINUTE. I felt like the stoned guitarist had such a familiar voice. It turns out that she is the singing voice of Jem!! Maybe I judged this movie too hard. Plus, the stoned guitarist is also on pills, so they’re starting to raise the dramatic stakes.

Fake-Jem is the best part of this movie. Well, pretty much no one else has a character. Actually, she doesn’t really either since her whole character is a drug-addict gimmick. But she really won me over when she had a long discussion with the Doberman Pinscher about how he may be a narc because he wasn’t interested in her pot.

familytiesbandontherun-0212Ugh, now I’m listening to Justine Bateman butcher “Dedicated to the One I Love.” Really, if they were going to nominate a Family Ties cast member to head up a girl rock group movie, it should have been Tina Yothers.

Um then Justine Bateman (who cannot swim) jumps into the water after Liam Neeson (who is clearly not drowning). And now she’s only wearing his shirt. And they’re playing that light 80’s hookup music. But like this movie just clearly stated that she graduated from high school RIGHT before coming to this rich dude’s house.

Omg I just saw Justine Bateman’s underwear which means Liam Neeson probably just saw Justine Bateman’s underwear too. But then she goes upstairs to change into her now-dry jeans. And she’s just like asleep in the bed. (Oh yeah, he’s making all of the band members sleep in a crappy cabin that is mostly full of fishing poles.) And then Liam Neeson just goes downstairs to write a song.

Oh thank goodness, we cut to fake-Jem singing “Mr. Big Stuff.” This is by far their best cover song so far. This also comes with a montage of them having fun on the beach, including but not limited to Justine Bateman and Liam Neeson horesback riding in the surf.

MSDSATI FE001But actually, this is the worst script ever. It’s so horrible. Although, they did manage to get Debbie Harry to make a cameo. She’s Liam Neeson’s friend who acts all icy to Justine Bateman. But he’s all like noooo it’s not like that. So he and Justine make out and then we have to endure her singing over an acoustic guitar in which a lyric is actually “like the birds sing to be free talk to me.”

Poor Fake-Jem overdoses. Ugh nooo she’s the only character I care about. Why, cruel world???? While she recovers, the rest of the group disposes of all of her drugs. She wakes up and discovers this and can only yell, “You mothers!” (Because anything else would have been too much for the PG-13 rating.

Ugh, okay so how can I sum up this awful script:
Liam Neeson breaks things off with Justine Bateman and she freaks out and doesn’t want to go to school or tour with her band. So the band decides to prove to her that they are there for her. The drug addict says, “I’m not gonna kill myself no more.” And Julia Roberts says, “I’m blowing off Frankie” (who is the boyfriend she’s been talking about marrying for like the past 30 minutes straight).

But then the dude whose van they stole (oops yeah they stole a van, did I mention that?) shows up to basically murder them. Also, the tour guy only wants Justine to tour and sing with studio musicians. But that’s seriously the least plausible part of this crapy-film because Fake-Jem is the only one with any musical talent in this group.

MSDSATI FE002So Justine goes back to the city to go to college and hang out with her band. She tells Liam that she’s keeping his shirt and by forever. I guess that worked out for the best since she’s like eighteen and he’s like thirty-four and them moving in together like she wanted would have been a disaster.

Oh okay, this was brought to you by NBC, the same people who brought you Family Ties. So that explains a lot.

Very Special Lesson: Don’t watch this movie. If you think “Hey, that doesn’t sound half bad,” watch Girls Just Want to Have Fun instead.

Very Special Movie: Troop Beverly Hills

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mv5bmtyymjazntg0nf5bml5banbnxkftztcwnju1mtazmq-_v1_sy317_cr20214317_al_It’s girl scout cookie season, so I felt like this would be the perfect time to pay a visit to a movie that is near and dear to my heart.

For those of you that have managed to never see this movie (omg, you can rent it on iTunes for $2.99. Go, I’ll wait.) You’re not really going to stop reading this and watch the movie? Fine, your loss.

The Basics– Shelley Long (Diane from Cheers) is going through a divorce with Craig T. Nelson (Coach from Coach) and she’s pretty much lost her place in life because of it. By the way, she has insanely red hair in this movie, like so red it must have been the inspiration for Valerie Cherish’s hair. But I think that’s supposed to make her kind-of resemble her daughter (introducing Jenny Lewis). In order to be more present in her daughter’s life, she becomes the troop leader for the Beverly Hills branch of “The Wilderness Girls.” It’s a fish out of water story but it’s also a coming-of-age story–not the kind of “coming of age” you do when you’re a kid but the kind that happens when you’re an adult and you realize that you need to re-learn how to be an adult. In short, it’s awesome. Why is this not an Oscar winning film??

still-of-shelley-long-and-craig-t-nelson-in-troop-beverly-hills-1989

I mentioned the divorce above, but it’s so much worse than that. Basically Craig T. Nelson is no longer in love with Shelley Long because she didn’t turn out to meet his expectations of who he expected her to be when they got married like over a decade ago. So he’s a jerk. But she’s also mad at him because she supported him all through law school and he ended up being a muffler salesman.

Poor Jenny Lewis is the most mature person in her family. Her mother wakes her up in the middle of the night to ask her about the woman entering the guest house (where her father is staying during the divorce). Yuck. But Jenny is all cool about it and tells her mom to stop spying on her dad and the realtor (who it turns out he is dating but we don’t know that just yet…)jenny-1cut

But you have to hand it to Shelley Long, she’s really dedicated to making this Wilderness Girl thing work for her kid–even if that means camping out beneath the Hollywood sign. Or more like “glamping out.” This movie may actually have invented glamping. Right after they finish their fondue and are about to start making espresso over the campfire, it starts to pour buckets of rain all over their campsite. What’s a Wilderness Girl to do?
Troop-Beverly-Hills-images-7c041d1c-4c3c-44b6-bb75-0db7280fd63

Check in to the Beverly Hills Hotel and tell the best campfire story ever:

But it’s not all easy for Shelley. I mean sure, she’s got to learn how to help those kids earn some badges but that would be a lot easier without the regional director trying to ruin everything for her. She’s a crabby ex-army nurse who doesn’t like that the Beverly Hills troop isn’t earning dumb traditional badges.
yellow-aviators

But earn badges for tying knots and first aid when you could earn your badges for:
-Jewelry Appraisal
-Dancing the Freddy
-Divorce Court
-Shopping
-International Affairs (Laundering Money & Crushing Revolutions)
-Sushi Appreciation
-Gardening with Glamor
still-of-shelley-long-in-troop-beverly-hills-1989

But then it all comes down to the final Jamboree. And that’s the real woods, people. She almost bails but the girls tell her that they need her and they have to follow through on this. So it’s quite literally a game of survival for them now since all they’ve haven’t really earned any of the badges that prepare  you for dealing with nature. And on top of all that, they’ve got these really annoying Culver City Red Feathers to deal with.
troopbeverlyhillstorispelling

But it turns out that with a little ingenuity and extra-motivation from having to out-run a skunk, even a sad soon-to-be divorcee from Beverly Hills can learn how to navigate the woods.

Very Special Lesson: This is an inspirational film. And not the kind that requires you to have a special skill (see: any movie about athletes, musicians, prodigies of any kind) or tons of money in which to start a foundation (The First Wives Club). But I watch this movie and think, “Hey, I too could one day be a troop leader and inspire tons of young girls without having to spend too much time experiencing nature.” Thank you, Shelley Long. You’ve inspired me more than you’ll ever know.

Stay tuned next weekend as I trudge through every episode of Fuller House. Wish me luck! I hope I don’t OD on very special lessons!

Very Special Movie: Death of a Cheerleader

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First of all, this is based on a true story and while I’m sure that the actual events were tragic–I’d like to completely forget that this has any element of reality so that we can all laugh with abandon at Tori Spelling in this harrowing role of doomed-cheerleader. Also, Wikipedia tells me that this was the highest rated TV-Move of 1994.

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This movie starts with Tori Spelling sweetly asking to use a phone at some random suburban home because her “friend got a little weird.” When no one answers at her house, the man from the suburban home drives her to her house. When Tori’s parents aren’t home, she decides to go next door. The random man whose car she’s gotten into is all like “I’ll wait until you get inside.” He watches her through the rearview mirror. When she’s out of sight, he turns to look through the back windshield. That’s when he sees an altercation between Kellie Martin (from The Face on the Milk Carton–another classic) and Tori Spelling. Then Kellie Martin stabs her to death. See, this is why you always drive people all the way to the door. You can’t do much good watching someone through a rearview mirror.

Then we flash back to a happier time. But just a heads up you’re about to hate Tori Spelling’s guts and totally fall in love with her friendly murderer. And if you’re anything like me at fifteen (when I first caught this movie on Lifetime) you’re going to have a total crisis of conscience and feel like a horrible person for sympathizing with a murderer because this is a TRUE story, right??? But like ultimately this is a Lifetime movie and not a documentary, so try not to have a crisis of conscience over it.

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Anyway, Tori Spelling is the Queen Bee of the 10th grade. And Kellie Martin is cute and friendly and really wants to be popular and “the best.” It’s pretty obvious almost immediately that Tori Spelling is a colossal bitch, who just tortures people emotionally for no reason. But Kellie Martin still wants to hang out with her because she is “cool.” So really like Kellie Martin probably sucks too. Much to Kellie’s chagrin, Tori thinks she’s “weird.”5410146838_f0aedae755

Anyway, the cool thing at this high school is to be a Meadow Lark. The Meadow Larks are a service club. You have to like be selected for this club and then you have to be initiated. It’s a freaking sorority. Anyway, Kellie and Tori are both selected to pledge the Larks.

Then they both try out for cheerleading. Being a cheerleader here is an even bigger deal than being a cheerleader in your average school. There are four new cheerleaders selected at the end of the school year to replace the graduating seniors. They winners all announced at an assembly and then they get to come up on stage and receive flowers. Barf. Tori makes the squad but Kellie does not.

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So then she shirks her morals and gets drunk with her friend Jill. Jill invites her to a party with this guy she knows. Kellie decides to invite Tori to the party so that Tori will be her friend. Actually, that’s pretty awful and social-climb-y. I think Kellie and Tori BOTH suck and I was just like feeling bad for Kellie being socially awkward back when I was fifteen.

Omg this is turning into a 2000 word essay, but stick with me! So Kellie calls Tori’s house when Tori is at cheerleading camp. Kellie says that they’re having a surprise dinner for all of the Larks and to have Tori be read at 9 pm for her to pick her up. (She doesn’t say who she is.) So Tori meets up with Kellie but doesn’t really expect to see her.

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Oh yeah, there’s a knife in the car because sometimes Kellie’s sister “makes lunch in the car” ?? What?? And it’s like a no-joke knife/the future murder weapon. So then Tori presses Kellie about the party and finds out that Kellie was not directly invited. Then Tori is all like I REFUSE TO CRASH A PARTY. And Kellie is like WHY ARE YOU SO MEAN? And then Kellie goes all Single White Female and is like obsessing over how pretty Tori is and how cool she is. So yeah. They’re both horrifying.

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So then Kellie kills Tori to essentially protect her rep. Like wtf. This is some freaking gang violence shit right here. She’s got to keep up that street cred. But honestly, this is horrifying. Unlike fifteen year-old in a terror-shock combo, I’m twenty-five and sipping my hot cocoa while giving both Kellie and Tori major side-eye.

Anyway, the cops have a few good leads. First, there was that call to Tori’s house about the Larks. Secondly, they have eye witness accounts of the car that Kellie was driving. But mostly, no one has suspected Kellie because she’s so “sweet.” Everyone thinks it was this girl at school who is kind of gothic. Meanwhile, Kellie really, really guilt-ridden. So she’s been getting more involved in the community. And then like she kind of starts getting popular. She’s elected to a leadership position in the Larks and she gets asked out on a date.
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Kellie takes a polygraph and she fails. So then the police really start zeroing in on her. Uncle Phil from Fresh Prince reads her the psychological profile of the killer and it’s basically her exactly. Also, like what is up with them questioning minors without parents present?? I know in this case that this person is actually a killer but still.

So then Kellie finally decides to confess by writing her mother a note. In the letter she feels like really awful and she asks her parents to still love her and to come meet her at the school so she can turn herself in. So like that’s actually really heart-wrenching and I’m sorry that I forgot this movie is actually really depressing. But I’ve written so much that I’m going to publish this anyway. But please remember that Tori Spelling was ridiculous and funny in this movie. And please, is this not a campy promo photo?

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Very Special Lesson: Omg there are so many lessons here: Don’t hang out with Tori Spelling in high school unless that high school is West Beverly High School. Oh also, if someone is really really mean to you, then don’t hang out with them. Don’t try to make that person your friend or spend anymore time with them than you have to. It won’t work and you will end up bat-shit crazy. Also, don’t make lunch in your car, especially not with sharp knives.

Planes, Trains, and Automobiles/An Open Letter to Kevin Bacon?

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There are not a lot of Thanksgiving movies to chose from, so this one always come to mind when November roles around. However, this movie makes me so angry. Only one John Hughes movie makes me more irate than this (She’s Having a Baby) and I don’t think it’s just because Kevin Bacon appears in both of them. But on that note:

  1. Kevin Bacon is such an ass. I mean, upon re-watching this I see that he and Steve Martin (btw, I just started to write Tom Cruise. Wtf? Where is my mind? I must be tired)…ah, yes where was I…Steve Martin and Kevin Bacon are running to catch the same cab and Kevin gets there first. But I’ve always remembered it as Kevin stealing the cab. I think I have just sort of hated him ever since he wasn’t very nice to my friend, who said hi to him when he and his daughter were touring our college theater. But like it was our space. She didn’t run up to him on the street or even approach him at all. She just excitedly said hello when he was near her and he acted like she was a bother. Jerk.
  2. Sorry, Kevin Bacon. It’s actually John Candy who steals the cab, which really makes sense with how the rest of the movie plays out. But we’ve still got bad blood. And it’s not because you’re a celebrity. It’s because I don’t like rude people.
  3. I love John Candy, but I just want to shake him in this movie. I mean Steve Martin gets mad at you for clearing your sinuses in the bed next to him (after John Candy spilled beer in it, I might add) and John Candy accuses him of hitting his kid if he spills milk. Like what the heck? I mean that’s just nuts. I feel like there are certain rules about sharing a bed with a stranger and they certain don’t allow for weird phlegm noises in the middle of the night.
  4. Okay, Steve Martin telling John Candy that spending time with him is “like going on a date with a Chatty Cathy Doll” is taking it a little too far. I think I just hate both of them.
  5. But this soundtrack, I am LOVING. It’s all like late-80’s light instrumentals and it’s exactly what I imagine would be the soundtrack to my life as a late 80’s business person, such as Steve Martin.
  6. Omg and Steve Martin was so mean to the really nice lady at the Marathon Car Rental desk. I feel terrible for anyone who has to work in any kind of service industry during the holidays. You’re getting blamed for so much crap that you have no control over.
  7. But then John Candy uses Steve Martin’s credit card to rent a car without telling him. And that car catches on fire. So now John Candy is the bigger jerk in this movie. It’s like a constant battle of who is the least tolerable!
  8. But then it turns out that John Candy really likes Steve Martin and he’s only been driving him away because he doesn’t know how to relate. 😦
    And then they actually start to have some fun!
  9. But I think they still suck…though they did kind of learn and grown from their experience together…how very special is that?
  10. And then there’s the ending which is the whole freaking reason why I watch this movie. Gets me every time. This is like one of the most beautiful thing in cinema history to me (right up with the ending of City Lights).

And suddenly we realize that John Candy was probably so cheerful and annoying during all of these weather delays just because he was really, really happy to have someone to spend quality time with. And like he is actually a nice guy. They’re both actually nice guys. And this song is just so perfect. And you know that Steve Martin’s wife is happy because she can tell that Steve Martin has grown as a person by simply witnessing this wonderful act of kindness. P.S. Did you notice tiny little Matthew Lawrence playing Steve Martin’s son?

BEST THANKSGIVING MOVIE EVER

I finally watch “Scream” (and get too emotionally invested)

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The ghostface mask haunted my childhood even though I never saw the movie. In the fourth grade, my best friend dressed up as the ghostface killer for Halloween and I wanted nothing to do with her. As it turns out, I really should have heeded this warning as she turned out to be a colossal sociopathic bitch but that’s a story for another time.

Anyway, fall is in the air, Halloween is just around the corner, and I’m feeling Drew Barrymore’s haircut. It’s been like almost 20 years since this movie came out and that probably means that I’m now old enough to see it, right? I got a little spooked in part of The Mystery Files of Shelby Woo and the opening credits to Are You Afraid of the Dark? still terrify me…so it’s possible that this is a poor choice.

Spoilers abound, but I trust that everyone else on the planet has seen this movie by this point in time. I mean by the time the phone rings for the third time, I feel like Drew should seriously stop answering it. Poor Drew. I really just want to hang out with her and be her friend right now and this dude is being such a monster. (Am I getting too attached to these characters?)

DON’T TURN ON THE PATIO LIGHT. OMG WHYYYYY. Why don’t these people listen? Where are the parents?? She should not have turned off the light. Steve was like totally telling her not to turn off the light. Drew, I wanted to hang with you and I know you are traumatized right now but you’re being dumb as shit. I am now hearing weird noises and refusing to look at the screen. The rest of the movie-watching may very well proceed in this manner. Poor, poor Drew. This is so sad. Okay, that’s it. I’m totally invested now and we have to find this ghostface killer and make him pay! What an asshole!

Neve Campbell’s boyfriend, Billy kind of looks like a poor man’s Johnny Depp. I feel like he’s a jerk though. OMG the Fonz is in this movie?!? Oh crap, and it’s super heartbreaking what happened to Neve’s mom! Also, like really really odd that her dad would leave her home alone only a year after that happened…such a horror movie setup.

Is this town just filled with the best houses ever? Like if people weren’t frequently brutally murdered here, I would seriously want to move to this town. Also, could you actually call 911 from a computer and like instant chat an operator in 1996? That’s probably a movie thing, right?

Woah, I did not even recognize Courtney Cox. Her hair is so different than what I’m used to! She does seem like a bit of a jerk but Neve is probably being too hard on her. Also, I feel like Neve maybe wasn’t that close with her boyfriend if she could think he was the murderer just because he had a cell phone. I mean, maybe he’s just really on trend. But like I still hate him. Billy is a loser. But is he a killer??

I’m so into this movie. How did I hide from it for years? It’s soooo good. What if Henry Winkler is the killer? I also believe it could be Rose McGowan or David Arquette. Okay, did I just name everyone in the cast? Anyway, this is obviously a much better use of my time than the pounds of laundry I have to do. (Some days, I miss fluff & fold.)

Aw guys, remember when David Arquette and Courtney Cox loved each other? And she was even Courtney Cox Arquette for a little while?

Maybe, the killer is Neve’s dad. I mean he’s been “out of town” like the entire time this has been going on and he’s not at that hotel he said he’d be staying at. Ugh, okay video store guy just accused the dad of being a red herring. This is so meta. Love it.

Billy really is weird, but I think he’s the red herring. Everyone is a red herring! Okay, but yeah her dad is definitely a red herring. Kind of wish I was seeing this in a movie theater where I would have lost all track of time. But no, here I can see there’s an hour left and there’s no way he’s the bad guy.

Also, I feel like these kids are being kind of rude having a party right now with all of the awfulness going on in their town. And I guess, Rose McGowan is also not the killer. It was pretty ambitious of her to try to make it through a door made for a cat. I mean she certainly went down swinging.

Is Billy a red herring or not??? Omg and then all of these sick teenagers rush over to the football field to see poor Henry Winkler’s body there. That’s just wrong. Like wtf. I mean maybe this is actually some kind of hell-on-earth with awful people and a psycho killer and that’s just the natural order of things in this town.

Okay. I guess Billy is pretty definitely not the killer since he was just murdered right in front of Neve. Woah.
Courtney Cox NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO
David Arquette too??

This movie is just full of heartbreaks.

So who did it? Video store kid or Shaggy from Scooby Doo, the live action films? Also, it’s truly remarkable that Billy is still kicking. Don’t give him the gun though. Everyone alive is still a suspect!!! OMG IT IS BILLY. I knew he was a jerk! This went back and forth for so long. So who is his accomplice? SHAGGY FROM SCOOBY DOO! What will the Mystery Team say??

And they framed her mother’s killer too?!? That’s some sick shit.
Well, really this just teaches you not to be friends with psychos.

Omg, yay Courtney Cox hooray! Now you and Neve can be best friends. Oh gosh darn it. This never ends. How in the hell is Billy still alive? Okay, Courtney Cox to the rescue for real this time.

You guys, this was an emotional roller coaster. I do not think I could handle this again. I just really hope that this town/school system has provides experienced crisis counselors, free of charge, to everyone involved. This was a freaking psychological war zone. But I still think Drew’s hair is really on point in this film.

Very Special Movie: Trading Mom

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I first saw this movie on the Disney Channel under the title “Mommy Market,” which is a way more disturbing title. Today, I bring it to you as Trading Mom. It stars Sissy Spacek and my personal hero, Anna Chlumsky (second only to Jenny Lewis). I saw Anna Chlumsky once on the street in the West Village carrying her newborn babe and her eyes were just glittering. That might sound creepy, but my point is that she seems fabulous in real life just like she is on Veep and in My Girl.

This isn’t a critically acclaimed movie, but it did make me feel kind of cool as a kid. It’s one of those kid’s are in charge kind of movies and basically these three brats get to trade in their mom for a new one at a store where you basically just shop for moms. Their next door neighbor is a witch and that’s how they get rid of their mom. (Yeah, yeah I know this movie horrible. It’s only 29% fresh on Rotten Tomatoes.) The next morning, they wake up and find their mom’s room empty. They know their mom used to live there but they can’t remember her at all–spooky.

At the Mommy Market, each family gets three choices. When those choices run out, they’re stuck with whomever happened to be their last pick. I didn’t realize it as a kid, but Sissy Spacek actually plays all of the moms in this movie. The first mom is really into fancy things. The kids like her stretch limo and money, but she throws away all of their toys and pets because they’re “dirty.” And she makes them dress up like demented Von Trapp children, so they get rid of her after that.

Their next mom is an avid outdoorswoman (WordPress thinks that isn’t a word but they’re just fine with outdoorsman–offensive!) But she wants to bread the littlest boys iguana so they can taxidermy the extra pets. Then she takes them all on a rigorous backpacking trip through the rain. But the final blow comes when she ruins a backyard game of kickball. The older kids have organized an inclusive way to play with the younger kids (like we’re talking toddler and preschoolers). It’s really pretty sweet. But outdoor mom strikes out a four year-old by throwing balls way faster than she can kick. Then all of the neighborhood kids leave in a huff, and she makes her children do pushups to get them in better shape for competitive kickball. That’s when they send her packing.

Now it’s time for mom number three. The final choice. The most important choice. And this is when they make the worst choice because they two older children are somehow bullied by their six-year old brother. They pick a circus clown to be their mother. What they don’t realize is that she comes with a bus load of circus performers who now also live in their house/backyard area. The only cool part of this is that Andre the Giant is there (may he rest in peace). This mom isn’t so willing to leave (maybe she knows they don’t have another option after her). So the boys steal the bus and all of the circus performers run after it. Then Anna Chlumsky locks them out of the house, but the boys crash the bus and it starts raining. Thus, everyone feels obligated to let the circus people back inside.

The kids are hungry and cranky, and hear their principal (who has tried in vain to meet with their mom for days) banging on their door and talking about foster care. Things are getting serious. So they sneak out the back of the house and ask the witch next door how to get their mother back. They can’t remember her but they figure she couldn’t possibly suck as much as the others because they kept her for so long before they got rid of her.

The witch tells them to name some wildflowers and that will create some kind of potion. They know a surprising number of wildflower names. At this point they have to like break into the market, then find their own mom, and pick her in order to break the spell. The juxtaposition of foster parents in a market for kids and kids in a market for moms is kind of interesting–but hey, I don’t want to give this too much credit. They get caught trying to steal tokens and find their mom and are banished from the Mommy Market, which promptly vanishes like the Garden of Eden.

Then they all cry in an alley. Ugh, this is so dark. How did I watch this as a kid? They can’t remember their mom still, so they decide to invent a memory of her taking them to the beach and all of these other cool places. Okay, this part is really sweet even though it’s schmaltzy. I guess this movie isn’t so bad.

The next morning, they wake up and everything is back to normal. And we’re left to think this was all one big shared hallucination. Except then they find a throw pillow left behind by that weird fancy mom! The end. Oh and Andre the Giant’s throwing knife is still in the wall. And the principal gets caught by a trap that the outdoor mom made. Now, really, the end.

Very Special Lesson: Don’t be a jerk to your mom.

Very Special Movie: Model Behavior

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I present you with the greatest Disney Channel Original Movie ever. This month’s very special movie of the month is Model Behavior. It stars Justin Timberlake and Maggie Lawson from Psych. It’s a classic tale of dream makeover, fish out of water, and total and complete lies about one’s identity. It’s kind of like The Parent Trap or Trading Places–if those movies were about winning Justin Timberlake’s love and adoration.

Alex is a plain girl with strict parents who make her go to bed early, so she can get good grades and help them with their catering business. Janine is a super model superstar with a fab life but she’s not allowed to eat fried food. Alex is aware of Janine (she’s a supermodel, duh) but she doesn’t realize that they look exactly alike (because they’re played by the same actress). When they meet at an event that Alex’s family is catering, they decide to trade places for a week.

Each girl is totally happy with her new life and everything is super boring until Alex bumps into Justin Timberlake and agrees to go out with him as Janine. Meanwhile, Janine is revitalizing Alex’s image at school with her super confidence. She even lands a date with Alex’s crush, a jerk named Eric. They end up at the same restaurant one night and are both pissed that the other is going out with a guy they think sucks–Janine because she thinks it’s all a publicity stunt and Alex because Eric wouldn’t date her before (when she was living her own life and not Janine’s). Thus, they briefly switch places again so they can have a conversation with their respective dudes.

Janine really rips Justin Timberlake a new one, and for whatever reason he doesn’t get up and leave immediately. When Alex returns to the table (as Janine) she tells him to forget whatever she just said to him because sometimes she has “moods” and it’s almost like she is “bipolar.” And even then, he doesn’t leave. This is the crazy/hot scale in action, people.

Oh and by the way, for whatever reason Alex’s strict parents who make her be home by 9 pm don’t supervise her kid brother at all. So even though he’s probably 12 years old, he gets into this classy New York restaurant and spies on Alex. Then he films Alex and Janine coming out of the bathroom together. Serious rookie mistake. They don’t even stagger.

When Janine gets homes to Alex’s house from her classy dinner with Eric, Alex’s dad is all pissed because she forgot agreed to help her dad with catering. Then he grounds her for three weeks. Like wtf. Are you allowed to make your minor child work in your business like that and then punish her when you didn’t give her a choice? This appears to be a middle class Long Island family. Like how can they possibly afford to live on Long Island if they have to force their children to work as day laborers?

Anyway, things start to go awry here. Alex gets Janine fired by floundering in a fashion show and Janine ruins Alex’s interview for a Summer Program. Then Alex’s kid brother shows up to confront her at Janine’s apartment. Like how was he even allowed in there?? I guess they let just anyone up into superstar’s apartments in the early aughts. It was a simpler time.

Anyway, Alex has Justin Timberlake meet her out on the streets of New York. Then she kind of changes her appearance to look more like her real self, but she doesn’t want to tell him who she is. She hands him the tape that her snooping brother made, so he can see for himself. Then they kiss. And Eric catches them–thinking that Alex/Janine is cheating on him. This leads Justin Timberlake to think Janine/Alex is cheating on him. Basically, the worst way to come clean ever.

Alex and Janine call each other that night to describe how they have destroyed each other’s lives. Then they’re all like h0-hum the grass is not always greener. FALSE. The were doing very well as each other and they blew it because they are dumb. Like fine, it’s hard to be a model but you got to make out with Justin Timberlake so STFU. I do feel bad for Janine though. Alex’s dad is kind of a jerk.

Both of their families follow them there, and Justin Timberlake shows up too. He’s gone to the dance because he finally watched the tape that Alex gave him of both of the girls leaving the bathroom…I’m assuming she must have recorded a portion where she reveals her true identity and high school because that’s the only way this makes sense. Then their families are like woah we suck enough that our kids pretended to be other people and they decide to start listening to their children.

Very Special Lesson: If you wear glasses and you switch places with someone who doesn’t wear glasses but otherwise looks exactly like you, then you won’t need to wear your glasses while being that other person. It’s like free Lasik.