The Definitive Ranking of Teen Witch Songs: Worst to Best

Guys, we need to talk about the original music in Teen Witch. I previously posted about the *stellar* costumes in this movie, but I neglected to give the soundtrack the respect it deserves. The Very Special Blog leaves no pop culture stone unturned! And thus I give you, the definitive Teen Witch song ranking from worst to best.

High School Blues
Not to be mistaken for a New Kids on the Block audition tape, this song introduces us to the the resident group of “tough guy” rappers. It’s also making it painfully obvious to me that I don’t remember seeing any black people in this movie.

Get Up and Move (stop this video at 2:42 or spoilers!)
The second half of this is okay, but the beginning is too boring for words. Get up and move? Sorry, I’m already asleep.

Shame (The Harvest Dance Song)
This song plays while Louise changes into her “cool dance outfit.” Shout out to the creepy DJ who encourages everyone to “sow some wild oats” and the dance committee that was so committed to the harvest theme that there are literally bales of hay on the dance floor. This song is ambient and catchy and I would dance to it at an 80’s party.

Finest Hour
This is the Teen Witch version of “Time of My Life,” which is to say cheaper and cheesier. This song runs at 2 minutes and 45 seconds but somehow manages to feel like a solid eight minutes. It’s also somehow the climax of the movie, so there’s no avoiding it.

I Like Boys
This is a “cheer,” apparently. But it’s cute and I feel like whoever made the stage version of the movie must have had this song in mind specifically. It seems like this song would be right at home in Legally Blonde: The Musical

Never Gonna Be the Same Again
This is the film’s opening. The OPENING CREDITS, you guys! I for one, would like to thank this song for setting up the bizarre wonderland that is the rest of this movie. Also, I’d rate this song higher if it were sung by Taylor Dayne.

Top That
If this movie is a cult classic, then this song is a cult classic in and of itself. What to say about “Top That”? I think this masterpiece speaks to itself and has clearly spoken to an entire generation of movie watchers. I’m included both the original and a shot-for-shot remake featuring Arrested Development‘s Alia Shawkat.

Popular Girl
This song is the quintessential Teen Witch song. It is the epitome of bubblegum, but play this when you’re having a rough day and tell me it doesn’t get you back on your feet.

Unfortunately, some fool decided to NOT release an original soundtrack to this film. But here is a super cut of “I Like Boys,” “Top That,” “Popular Girl,” and “My Finest Hour.” So go ahead. Have yourself a little Teen Witch dance party

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