Remember, that The Golden Girls never actually went to a Disney Park, so they are once again at a disadvantage in this competition. But everyone loves an underdog. And everyone loves The Golden Girls. The only reason that Dorothy and Sophia never go to the park (aside from one short ride on Space Mountain in the credits) is that Dorothy has really only taken her mother on a trip in order to be able to spend time with her without interruption. They basically could have found a quiet corner booth in a Miami diner and had this exact same experience.
And while the plot is strong, we do have to remember that this is a “Disney Episode Showdown” and not a “talk about going to Disney Episode Showdown.” The Golden Girls easily beat out quintessentially low-performing Step by Step because the “family takes a trip to Disney” didn’t a plot really at all. If you watched the episode, you had to sit through 40 pain-staking minutes of people following other dreams at Disney while incidentally being at Disney. The only truly Disney specific event is Flash’s quest for the world record. And maybe if that had been like the entire episode and the whole family really pulled together to work on that and like met some Imagineers and discussed theme park planning or whatever then maybe it would have been more interesting.
But instead we got to watch long montages at probably four different points in the show and that was a major plot point. The rest of the time was spent watching two boys waste all of their savings to chase girls, mom & dad complain about their lack of alone time, and the sisters attempt to win a singing competition. I mean, they could have just as easily been at Universal. But honestly, I’m not here to shit on Step by Step again. It’s just that awarding The Golden Girls plot victory over Step by Step (or even Roseanne for that matter) feels pretty justified even though The Golden Girls never went to the park.
But with Blossom it just doesn’t feel fair. I think that’s because even though the plot points on Blossom are somewhat incidental too–like would any of this really hold together as an episode without the setting, iffy–the plot points are incidental in a good way. This couldn’t work as a stand alone episode but that’s because everyone’s kind of having a personal moment at Disney. And that personal moment is somehow created or rectified by actually being at the park. We shouldn’t expect much less from the O.G. of very special episodes.
Blossom would never have had an awful fight with her boyfriend if it weren’t for the fact that he started behaving strangely because he was afraid of all of the theme park’s attractions. He wasn’t just afraid of The Matterhorn, he was freaked out by The Swiss Family Robinson Tree House. That’s how bad his fear of heights was. And it made him act like a weirdo. But like many teenagers she totally took it personally and made it all about herself. At the end of this episode she learns that it’s a stupid thing to do, and he learns it’s shady to pretend nothing is wrong when there is obviously something wrong. It’s a good lesson that they could have learned anywhere, but it’s cool that they learned it at Disney because that’s the kind of weird shit that you learn about each other at theme parks. This is a great way to integrate the setting and have a good overall plot all at the same time.
So I’m very sorry to The Golden Girls because this does conclude their time in the competition, but I would like to thank them for being a friend. And also I’d like to point out that they only lose by one point. That’s pretty badass for a couple of ladies on a soundstage.
I think their music was way better than “The Party.” And I still love those cardigans.
Point Break Down:
Blossom: Integration of Disney Setting (1 pt) + Overall Plot (2 pts) = 3 pts
The Golden Girls: Vacation Attire (1 pt) + Music (1 pt)= 2 pts
Very Special Winner: Blossom
We have made it to the first matchup of the semi-finals! As you will remember, Family Matters has taken a trip to Disney World so that Steve Urkel can show of his DNA altering machine. And yes, he needs to bring the entire family next door in order to do so. Laura breaks the machine so that Steve is forced to remain Stefan Urquelle. They nearly get married, but Laura begins to feel guilty about essentially murdering Steve. She only begins to feel this way because Steve’s girlfriend Myra cries about how Steve is gone forever. (Is it cheating if your DNA was technically different at the time?)
Full House is at Disney World because Jesse has a gig at Cinderella’s castle. Becky comes along so that they can spend their anniversary together. Joey comes along so they can do their radio show live from the fish tank at Epcot. The rest of the family comes along just because. Stephanie learns to love Michelle even though she’s a jerk, Michelle learns not to be a jerk, DJ sees Steve everywhere, Steve actually joins their vacation, Danny proposes to Vicky, and Kimmy Gibbler was there.
Whereas this is a total class act. Look at those platform jellies and pressed slacks:
So if you haven’t guessed already, Step by Step wins the point for integration of setting. Aside from the fact that they are winning by default, this episode actually does a good job of integrating pretty much all of the major attractions. This is done largely through extended montages that depict a family friend, Flash, trying to break a world record. He’s attempting to visit all restaurants, food carts, and rides in less than four days. He’s doing this largely because a Russian holds the current record. And this is America. The montages are way too long, but it really cool to see how two of the boys work with Disney staff to set up a base of operations for Flash. I’d like to think this is something Disney would be down for in real life. 
Morbid. I know. But this is The Golden Girls so it’s funny. All Sophia wants to do is ride Space Mountain. But Dorothy has brought photo albums and slides and wants her mother to sit in the hotel with her for hours and tell her every single thing she was thinking in every single one of the photos. She also starts to keep a journal of Sophia’s witty one liners. This pisses Sophia off to no end, so she goes to the hotel bar and tries to have a Casablanca moment with the bar pianist. He doesn’t get the joke though so instead of playing “As Time Goes By” he plays a light-jazz version of “It’s a Small World.” When Sophia is finally ready to ditch Dorothy and go to the park herself, it rains in a torrential downpour for 24-hours straight. Luckily, Dorothy realizes she’s being a little nuts and does take her mother to Space Mountain before heading to the airport. We sort of get to see this as the end credits roll over what looks like the interior of space mountain, so that’s kind of cool. I’m also giving the Vacation Attire point to The Golden Girls because I like a woman who can dress well at any age and Dorothy is killing it. Also, I hope to own as many cozy cardigans as possible as an elderly woman, so I’m very inspired by Sophia’s wardrobe.
Blossom really captures the whole Disney spirit. The episode is narrated by someone who sounds exactly like Snow White, and they even manage to make The Hall of Presidents interesting. Yep, seriously. The episode is the only one in the competition to take place at Disneyland, and (taking advantage of the smaller park size) they have all of the characters interact with the Disney characters/attractions in a very comprehensive way. But before we get into the nitty-gritty of the episode, does anyone find it odd that I’ve never once covered a Blossom episode on The Very Special Blog? I mean, she is the queen of very special episodes, right?
Blossom’s other brother (the not Joey Lawrence one) has brought his girlfriend to the park with them and every character in one of those full body-suits is into her. That’s really weird. I mean like fine if she’s soooo hot or whatever, but in that case shouldn’t the princes be trying to get with her? It’s like only Tigger and Dopey are into this girl and yet this dude gets jealous. Luckily, Abe Lincoln sets him straight in the most interactive Hall of Presidents ever in the history of halls and presidents. Six also gets with the Jungle Cruise guy who they happen to know from high school. Then they discover that their father is actually an Elvis impersonator performing center-stage at Tomorrowland. It’s boring and the only reason I’m pointing it out is that he makes out with Belle at the end of the episode in which there is a montage of make-outs. (There really was SO much kissing on this show.)
The overall plot of Boy Meets World, is a little more intricate, but that doesn’t make it better. Basically, Corey has been dating every single girl in school since he broke up with Topanga and that makes her not want to date him again. No shit. Anyway, he follows her to Disney World after she and two other classmates win a contest to study dolphins in Epcot. The other two classmates are 
Anyway, Topanga isn’t down for Corey’s stalking, and it’s only after he bumps into Stacey Keenan (we’ll see her later in Step by Step) who has decided to “hang back” alone after a guided tour (ugh yeah right) and becomes best friends with a sad dolphin who has lost her lover that he stops acting like a maniac. Corey realizes that he needs to chill out and let Topanga live her life, which is of course when she decides to date him again. Other than Corey/Shawn sleeping on Splash Mountain (so ridiculous), we see a few choice locals but nothing is really integrated into the plot. Almost by default, Blossom gets the point for plot. While Boy Meets World may be more intricate (sort of), I want to yell at it a lot.
The fashion point totally goes to Boy Meets World though. I would have expected Six to bring this one home for Blossom but she wears a really weird purple sweat-headband the entire episode and I’m not on board. Plus, Topanga’s outfits are rocking the entire week she is in Disney. I especially like her sea-foam green crop top and pants set. I can’t find a picture of that so here’s a picture of another one of her cute outfits:
The plot of Sabrina (while much better than that of Roseanne and about on par with Family Matters) revolved around a single task, whereas Full House had tons of subplots and moving parts. That is what they do so well on vacation episodes. That is why this is the team to beat. But I do believe it’s possible. Or do you think they will become double vacation episode title holders?
The best part of this episode is that you get to watch Harvey be the safari tour guide. Aunt Hilda zaps him into that role to get him away from Libby (because apparently Harvey is totally untrustworthy?) Oh yeah, Hilda and Zelda are there as chaperones, but they spend almost no time at all with the kids. They’re the kind of chaperones who would let your kids lose their virginity in a maintenance closest behind the tree of life or walk around in the animal-only areas. Real winners. Actually, yeah the second one does happen. Poor, Martin Mull is the only one trying to keep these kids in line! And apparently there are also no Disney staff members around, which I find to be the least plausible part of all of this. Even less plausible than the witchcraft.
Full House features a bossy/bratty/still sweet Michelle winning a contest to become “Princess for a Day,” which she was only able to do because she cut in front of Stefanie in line. This grants Michelle the ability to have a series of wishes granted to her by the Disney Parks. She also gets to ride in a parade. And there are posters at every park and hotel declaring her the Disney Princess. This is ridiculous and I would like to subtract points for it, but overall the show has a better plot than that of Sabrina. There’s just no way that Disney World (who wants to make EVERY kid feel like princess/prince/pirate/magical creature/personified rodent/etc would ever publicly display everywhere in the park that they had a regular kid just like you to lord over you for a day on your expensive vacation. Speaking of vacation, the reason for this trip is that Jesse is taking a working-vacation with the family. His band, Jesse and The Rippers are playing at Cinderella’s Castle.
hey are Cinderella’s Castle level entertainment. These guys would be lucky to the get the stage near Canada at the World Showcase. The only Jesse and The Rippers performance I have ever enjoyed was the time they covered “Hot Child in the City” on Wake Up, San Francisco! But I can’t find that anywhere on the internet, so I am starting to worry I invented that memory. But this episode does win in terms of music, not for the band (or for the fact that Sabrina doesn’t really have music) but rather for the fact that Jesse sits down at the piano in the Grand Floridian lobby and beckons Becky to watch him doe-eyed from the balcony even though he’s been too busy working to spend time with her. He’s like some Greek-Romeo/Bryan Adams combo and it’s incredibly effective.
Fireworks at Magic Kingdom. Stephanie deals with loving Michelle even though she is an asshole. Michelle becomes less of an asshole. DJ/Kimmy/Stephanie lose Michelle and she’s rescued by Snow White. DJ thinks she sees Steve everywhere, which means that actor gets cameos as Indiana Jones and most princes (extra cool since he really was the voice of Aladdin). Then he shows up at the Grand Floridian to surprise her! (Remarkable for someone struggling to save for college.) Joey and Jesse do their radio show from the tank in the Coral Reef restaurant. (Still don’t see the point of having a radio show in a cool visual location.) And we barely see twins, Nicky & Alex, thank God!
I am totally torn about who to give the point to for overall integration of Disney setting. In Roseanne, you get to see more of the park locals, but they are pretty much just running through everything. Dan seems to be doing the Drink Around the World thing at Epcot, which is cool. But other than that they are mostly like “OH HEY LOOK AT THIS” and yet you barely see them on a ride. At one point, two of the characters even list all of the rides that they just did, but you don’t get to see those. Because of this, I think Family Matters has to win. Also, I like that they set a lot of plot development conversations at yummy restaurants. For example, when Stefan asks Carl for Laura’s hand in marriage (ugh) they are eating at that little outdoor cafe near the Brown Derby in Hollywood Studios. They also show Carl meeting a ton of characters, and he announces his plan to move the family to Orlando on The Tower of Terror just before the elevator drops…so yeah that’s some good setting integration right there.
David Hasselhoff (is that how you spell his name? I don’t care enough to actually find out) promises to call Santa. Then if we weren’t primed for a very special lesson enough already, David Hasselhoff catches her smoking a cigarette because she can’t sleep and we get to talk about the dangers of smoking! We are less than eleven minutes in to this show, people. Can you handle it? Ultimately, DH decides to go for the harm-reduction method and trades the kid some greasy potato chips for the pack of cigarettes.
Then there is something about people with dwarfism being mistaken for Santa’s elves, which would maybe be forgivable if done so by a small child instead of a twenty year-old protector of beach-goers. But then it turns out they really are Santa’s elves? So this is weird.
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