Small Wonder: Vicki and The Pusher

Seriously, who greenlit this show? The number of times this robot becomes involved with controlled substances is truly astounding. Only slightly more astounding than the fact that a grown man built a little girl robot servant to serve his family. And yet, this was American family television thirty years ago.


Anyway, this episode involves everyone’s favorite 1980’s topic: drug pushers.

This episode starts with Vicki’s creator trying to teach her to eat solid food. Lord knows why, she’s a freaking robot so this makes no sense. Also, I’m probably taking this too far but now I am wondering what happens to all of the food clogging her gears and frankly, it sounds like a public health crisis.

But let’s go ahead and skip ahead to the drugs. A full-grown adult man appears at a chain link fence encircling the cafeteria’s outdoor eating are. He says, “hey kid, you ever get high?”

So let me stop you right there. I know it was *the 80’s* and *stranger danger* wasn’t so much of a thing and maybe I can’t understand that as a child of the 90’s. But something tells me a real-life 80s drug dealer would have been a little more stealthy.

Okay, so today’s drug is Speed. Does anyone do speed anymore? Is Adderall like the Speed of today? I honestly wouldn’t know. I can barely handle coffee.


Alright, so now I know why they introduced the fact that Vicki can eat now. She’s come into possession of these pills and we had to setup the backstory that would allow her to be able to ingest them.

Vicki goes home and hides the drugs in a flower pot, which her creator’s wife promptly finds. She tells her husband they have “a drug problem” and he makes a joke about getting her “into the Betty Ford Center” because of course he does. This is a creep-ass man who made a little girl robot-slave and of course he’s going to make a joke about rehab when he thinks his wife is confessing to an addiction.

(Sidebar: I’m not sure why his wife was digging through a flower pot. I’ve been skipping through this episode because honestly this show is so bad. However, I am so intrigued by the fact that a robot main character is somehow going to teach me not to do Speed, so I’m gonna keep watching.)


They confront their child, who seriously must be eleven years old AT THE MOST. And he’s kind of just like confused and probably not at the prime age for doing Speed anyway, right? I don’t know! Were the 80’s this bizarre or is this just Nancy Regan lying to me???

Anyway, Vicki the robot starts behaving very strangely, so the parents realize their robot is high as a kite. (Once again, I can’t figure out how she’s metabolized these pills in order to get high in the first place, but she is literally flapping her arms and flying in the air, which is pretty cool.)

Okay, sincerely I think this creepy man needs to have his child taken away from him. He has volunteered his son to go undercover and purchase drugs from the drug pusher. He’s going to program Vicki the robot to protect him.

I ACTUALLY DON’T UNDERSTAND THIS THOUGH BECAUSE WHY NOT JUST LET THE ROBOT DO ALL OF THIS??? WHY INVOLVE AN ACTUAL CHILD??? I think we have all the evidence we need here. This family is toxic and should be banned from television.

(Oh by the way, for reasons I cannot explain, this show ran for four full seasons.)


Okay, so this is actually a teenaged drug dealer not an adult. I couldn’t tell because this YouTube video is grainy. But either way, I don’t think it’s a best practice to send children in as plants on a drug deal.

Luckily, this dealer is very stupid. He doesn’t pick up on the fact that this is a setup, not even when the little boy tells him to “speak into my shoulder” a.k.a. where the microphone is. Once the cops descend upon him, the dealer tries to flee, so the little robot picks him up and holds him in the air over her head.

This gives us an opportunity for an excellent one liner: “Hey pal, from now on, that’s as high as you’re gonna get.”

Very Special Lesson: You know actually, I don’t think they got their point across. If I knew nothing else about Speed, I would think that it could literally make me fly, which sounds awesome. But I’m pretty sure is not the case.

P.S. I have no idea who this is but this person put together a pretty awesome Small Wonder Halloween costume. Since this show is the scariest thing I’ve ever seen, I’d say it’s a pretty appropriate look for any spooky parties you may be attending this Fall.

Halloween Costumes for You and Your Platonic Life Partner(s)

September is rapidly drawing to a close and I’m already gathering the ingredients to make my costume “very” because two of my BFFs and I are dressing up as the Heathers!! This is just to say that if you work hard, put your mind to it, and subtly suggest only pop-culture themed costumes to your best friends for several years running, you too can make your dreams come true. And just in case you haven’t thought of anything for Halloween 2017, here are a few very special suggestions:

Liberty Bell & Zoya the Destroyer

Who knew the 80’s would feel so relevant right now? Russia. Thick Eyebrows. Proving your nation’s superiority in an all out battle in the wrestling ring!

How to do it on the cheap: Leotards, hairspray, bobby pins. If you’re doing it right, you’ll probably spend most of your money on hairspray.

Laura Palmer & Maddy Fergusonlaura-maddy

Is this the right time to admit that I couldn’t get into new Twin Peaks? Like so not into it that I can’t remember if I made it through the second episode and I definitely canceled my Showtime free trial before it was even over. But I love OG Twin Peaks and this costume idea. This costume is for you and your doppelganger/twin spirit/look alike cousin or just about anyone you want rockin’ back inside your heart.

How to do it on the cheap: You already have brown/blonde hair and your friend has the opposite. It’s 2017 and big glasses are back, so one of you already has some. ONE OF YOU HAS TO GET BANGS. The other has to cut them like you’re in a college kid in your dormroom and you’re sure you can give haircuts like a professional.

The Little Mermaid & Flounder

If you are half-fish and your BFF is all-fish, then this costume is for you. If you feel like it’s the Mermaid Day Parade everyday, make this part of your world.

How to do it on the cheap: If you’re a mermaid and you don’t already know how to make this happen, then I suggest to you pick a different costume. Flounder should wear a blue tulle skirt, a yellow top, yellow tights, and make some stripes happen with painters tape.

All of the Murder Victims from Clue

So maybe you’ve got a lot of besties? If you’ve got a big crowd of people you platonically love and you want to go as a cohort, think of this as a macabre version of The Village People.

How to do it on the cheap: You should go all out on this one. Get real costumes. No one wants to see a singing telegram phoning it in.

Couples Costumes for You & Your Bestie

At the beginning of the year, I went through a breakup that changed my life in apocalyptic proportions. So that was a great start to the year. And then every musician I’ve ever loved died. So yeah, thanks for being a total ass, 2016. Anyway, the positive side of this year is that I’ve really been embracing my platonic friendships. And I’m truly lucky to have a lot of great friendships in my life! While, I thought this was finally the year that I would get to dress up as Marion Ravenwood (in the red pants with the monkey on my shoulder), I just don’t really have an Indiana right now. And I’m cool with that because I finally realized how many sweet costume options there are for best friends.

I’m starting to think that Mallomars may be my soulmate in this life, so I’m really appreciating Eleven’s dedication to delicious toaster waffles this Halloween season. Plus, this is a great opportunity to wear a really sweet waffle headband, which I may just want to do anyway on a regular basis.


This is great for anyone who just wants to rent a costume and be done with it. As someone who was so tired of high school by the time prom rolled around, I rented my prom dress and I can tell you that the dudes definitely have the right idea by renting their outfits. But why be so gender/hetero-normative about it? Purple tuxes are great for anyone. And when else will you get the opportunity to wear one of these? Unless you’re in a wedding that’s like very dedicated to theme colors.


Let’s be honest, best friends don’t always come in pairs. If you’re a Mean Girls fan, why not dress up as the original Mean Girls this Halloween? Plus, it’s a great opportunity to play Croquet in your yard while you’re passing out candy to trick-or-treaters.


Ah yes, the yin and yang of Olympic ice skating, forever immortalized inseparably in pop culture history. But ultimately, I’m really into this costume idea for the opportunity to wear roller skates, a.k.a. the figure skates of the asphalt world.


This is a great costume opportunity for anyone who just wants to be cozy. This will involve you and your bestie deciding which one of you is more cold-natured, as one of you will be wearing a sheepskin bomber jacket while the other rocks a Hawaiian shirt. Neither Chip nor Dale wear pants, but I suggest that both you and your bestie cover your lower halves in one way or another.