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Chopped: Sitcom Moms

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600x600bb-85I’m going into uncharted territory here, Very Special Readers! This post covers food-blogging. Is that what you call it? Or cooking blogging? Cooking is not something I know much about, but if anyone can pull me out of my blogging comfort-zone then it’s Jackée Harry and Betsy Randle.

I’m more of a Cupcake Wars fan myself, but Chopped drew me in with this “sitcom mom” episode. Shout out to my boyfriend for interrupting my Disney Vacation to tell me this was on TV, but I had to track down the youtube link on my own when he falsely told me it was “live TV.”

The Contestants:
Tichina Arnold from Everybody Hates Chris
Betsy Randle from Boy Meets World
Jo Marie Payton from Family Matters
Jackée Harry from Sister, Sister

The Appetizer Round:
The Ingredients:
TV Dinners, Portobello Mushrooms, Fresh Spinach, Sour Cream

cqf-o6bu8aalqwwWhat I would have made: TV Dinner with diced mushrooms mixed in. Spinach and Sour Cream pudding. (Maybe saying cooking was “not something I know much about” is vast underestimation.)

What they made:
Tichina- Spinach salad (mushrooms, olive oil, fresh lemon, balsamic vinegar)
Jackée- Sautéed TV Dinner with Spinach
Jo Marie- Sautéed Mushrooms with Cajun Stuffing
Betsy- Mushroom and turkey casserole with garlic mashed potatoes on bed of spinach drizzled with champagne vinaigrette.

mv5bmjexodkzmti3nl5bml5banbnxkftztgwnda0njq5nje-_v1_uy1200_cr48506301200_al_Backstage: All of the moms are pretty disgusted that they had to use TV Dinners. Tichina hates this especially because she is competing for her Lupus charity and learned how to cook with fresh foods when her sister was diagnosed.

Who Got Chopped: The judges chopped Jo Marie because her mushrooms were under-cooked and she dumped too many spices into the stuffing. But Jackée mentioned earlier that she loves Jo Marie’s cooking, so I feel like this just wasn’t her night.

The Entree Round:
The Ingredients: Minute Steak, Rainbow Carrots, Cream of Celery Soup, French Toast


What I would have made: Carrot and celery soup with a french toast steak sandwich.

What they made:
Betsy- Seared minute steak with french toast stuffing and deep-fried carrots
Jackée- Celery Steak avec Carrots
Tichina- Tichina’s Pepper Steak Carnivale

The screw-ups: I’m pretty sure that Tichina is drunk on wine at this point and she’s also trying to throw Jackée off by gas-lighting her into thinking she messed up her carrots. Betsy forgets to use the cream of celery soup. Jackée mistakes cilantro for parsley and uses it as garnish. So really, I’m feeling like maybe the sitcom moms don’t know much more about cooking than I do.

Who Got Chopped: Tichina got chopped for basically not altering 75% of the ingredients from the basket.

The Dessert Round:
The Ingredients: Tiramisu, bananas, strawberry sauce, and almonds.

What I would have Made: Yuck, banana! I would have pureed the heck out of that banana with the strawberry sauce to off-set some of the banana yuck. Then I’d deconstruct that tiramisu and food-process some almonds to mix into it. And then I guess I’d make some kind of tiramisu almond strawberry parfait thing. 

screen-shot-2015-10-07-at-2-24-03-amWhat they made:
Betsy- Vanilla ice cream sundae topped with a dollop of tiramisu and almond goop
Jackée- Off-beat banana flambé au strawberry

Who Got Chopped: Betsy. Turns out only one of the judges liked her goop, but ultimately they didn’t like that she left the bananas as “just bananas.”

The Winner: Jackée! And she’s giving $10,000 to the Thurgood Marshall College Fund.

Full House: Arrest Ye Merry Gentlemen

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It’s another Christmas Eve at the Tanner house. And this year Michelle has gotten the perfect gift for Danny: a party tie with built in cup holder! But when she see’s that Aunt Becky has bought the same tie for Joey as a “gag gift” and Danny thinks it’s awful, she’s totally crushed. I mean this is the stuff of early-childhood emotional scarring.

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So let me just say here, in defense of the party tie: I for one would love to have a hands-free cup holder at just about every function or event on the planet. If you’re holing a drink, you’re still forced to make idle chit-chat. But if you have a hands-free cup holder, then you can stuff your face with snacks and not have to talk to people that you don’t want to hang out with. Then when you get super thirsty from all of the snacks, you’re drink is right there in front of you! But I do have to say that this tie looks a little heavy and may create a choking hazard. So like…use at your own risk.

mr2Uncle Jesse catches Michelle trying to burn her gift in the fireplace. Oh my gosh, danger on the Full House set! But she guilts him in to taking her to the store to buy a replacement gift, so she perks up pretty quickly. But Mickey Rooney owns the store that she bought the gift from and he gives her a hard time about not having her receipt.

When he won’t let her exchange the gift, even though he recognizes her from when she made the purchase earlier, Jesse decides to conduct an “even exchange” of his own. He puts the ugly tie on the counter and takes an item of equal value. But Mickey Rooney locks them in the store and calls the cops.

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But the police aren’t really coming. He’s just a lonely old man and he’s sad on Christmas. Then Jesse decides to tell him how important family is, which is obviously the most dickish thing on the planet he could do right now. But luckily, Michelle is there to help manage the situation. She invites their would-be kidnapper over to their house for dinner. That’s really nice, but then again this dude held them against there will not twenty minutes ago and is obviously a little unbalanced.

hqdefault5Then Jesse forces Mickey Rooney to call his family because he’s a meddler. He’s just lucky that this doesn’t backfire horribly.

Oh and then cool, new gift that Michelle bought Danny? An electric toothbrush that plays “Deck the Halls.”

Well, actually. I kind of want that now.

Very Special Lesson: When it comes to gift giving, it’s the thought that counts but not really.

Boy Meets World: Easy Street

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There’s a lot of financial pressure around the mv5bmjg1odywnzgynf5bml5banbnxkftztgwnjk1otu2mje-_v1_uy268_cr870182268_al_holidays, and if you have the time you may be in the market for a seasonal job. And that’s how Cory ends up working for the mob.

Cory is a “gopher” at Little Paulie’s restaurant and Shawn is working “down at the docks” in a “union job.” Woah, how did a sixteen year-old kid land that as a Christmas job?

Meanwhile, Eric offers to drive Loni 500 miles so that she can spend Christmas with her family. Remember, Loni? She’s the cute blonde who worked at the Matthews’ outdoor store. Remember that store? Whatever happened to that store?

Shawn uses his 8:30 am lunch break to visit Cory. Who takes an 8:30 am lunch break, you ask? 16 year-olds who started working at 3 am in a clear violation of child labor laws. There’s no way this is a legit union job. Cory brags about his “cushy” job and even has Shawn come to the restaurant to visit him. That’s when Shawn notices that this restaurant is clearly run by mobsters.

hqdefault4Cory quits his job immediately and Shawn fills the vacancy. Shawn becomes so dedicated to his mob-job that he skips school to work longer shifts. “Jobs like this don’t come around very often,” he says. It turns out Shawn is of the high-risk teen population that would take a low-level position with the mob.

Yep, I bet you didn’t think you’d see a very special episode, let alone a very special holiday episode, dedicated to this sensitive subject. But that’s what’s so great about Boy Meets World. They’re not afraid to tackle the tough-stuff.

Shawn buys Cory a gorgeous and pricy watch for Christmas, but he’s gotten a taste of the good life and he’s thinking this shouldn’t be a Christmas-only job. That’s right. Shawn is looking to become a career criminal. I mean, based on his character development up until this point, I am not entirely surprised. But I didn’t think he was the organized-crime type. He has higher aspirations than I expected, and I have to commend him for that.

3844-4-12On Christmas Eve, the “restaurant owners” ask Shawn to deliver a box to a warehouse and bring back an envelope. They promise to find him “something a little more permanent” if he successfully completes this task. Cory meets Shawn at the warehouse and tries to get him to walk out on the middle of a job for the freaking-mafia. Are you trying to get him killed, Cory?? Also, are you stalking him? How did you find this sketch-ass warehouse? Do you even have a drivers license at this point??

Dude, Cory, at this point, Shawn needs to deliver that box and you need to get out of there and totally forget that you even know where that warehouse is. They do not deliver the box and in a Christmas miracle, the mob does not kill either of them.

P.S. Loni and Eric never make it to her parents’ house. They end up in a blizzard and Eric gives himself a concussion trying to get out of the car underneath 4 feet of snow.

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Very Special Lesson: I can’t even come very-special-lesson this. I mean I feel like you should just never work for the mob, but I also feel like this episode painted a really unclear picture of what it’s like to work on the streets in organized crime syndicates. Also, I’ve just started watching The Wire so it’s quite possible that I am a little on edge right now. Happy Holidays!restaurant

The Golden Girls: Have Yourself a Merry Little Christmas

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the-golden-girls-0Stan shows up with at the girls’ house and tries to get them to invest in a new business plan for manufacturing fake vomit. They slam the door in his face, of course.

Meanwhile, it’s really hot in Florida on December 23rd. None of the girls feel like shopping, so Dorothy decides that they should try “Secret Santa” this year so that they only have to pick out one gift. The only problem is that no one wants to be the recipient of a gift from Rose. She gives really weird gifts, like Yodeling Lessons. And Blanche is going to be stuck with a Rose gift this year.

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But she actually gets her an awesome gift. It’s a really shiny gold blouse, which is definitely something Blanche (or any of the GGs would love to wear). We don’t get to see what they other girls buy for each other. I guess Rose was the only shopper they could make kind of interesting.

219286Anyway, all of the girls decide to help out a Rose’s church, feeding the homeless. They’re really just looking to unload some fruitcake, but I guess it’s good to get volunteers any way you can. But when they get there they find out that Stan is homeless. He put every last penny into a novelty item of Santa wearing sunglasses and driving a fire engine. But the supplier only delivered the Santas on Christmas Eve. Oh and also Stan’s wife has thrown him out of the house.

Wow. I actually feel bad for Stan.

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Rose’s priest tells the girls all about homelessness and how most people are only two or three paychecks away from being homeless. And it turns out that nothing has changed in 30 years: stagnant wages, rising rent, you know the drill.

ggsoupkitchenBut Dorothy gives Stan a pep talk on how he once saved Christmas for their kids when they had no money. He convinced them that Christmas was actually December 26th and stole a tree from someone’s trash. He decorated it and they all had a nice holiday. I guess you can kind of see why Dorothy once loved this guy.

So Stan gives all of the little homeless kids the novelty fire trucks and I’m actually tearing up. Ahhh damn you, Golden Girls.

 

Very Special Lesson: Even jerks can be okay sometimes and if they’re okay around the holidays then that’s even better.

Saved by the Bell: Home for Christmas

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The Bayside Gang have all gotten seasonal jobs at the mall! Slater is a gift-wrapper and Jessie is taking photos at Santa’s Village. Apparently, they let high schoolers do that. Totally saves on the cost of a professional photographer! Kelly’s working retail and it turns out that she’s working with a hot girl named Laura.

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Zack’s got the hots for Laura (like he does for every girl he meets) and starts to tell her about how he gave a homeless man he met in the bathroom some cash for food. Zack says he hopes the guy actually used it for food and isn’t a “wine-o.”

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Yes, Zack is once again proving to us that he is a jackass. Even worse, it turns out that the guy from the bathroom is Laura’s dad and they’re both homeless. So Zack’s blanket-insult also insulted his new love-interest. Just when you think Zack might finally get the brutal rejection he deserves, he apologizes to Laura and says he’s just ignorant. He comes from such an affluent background that he thinks poor people are people who don’t have cable. Ick.

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“Affluenza” patient zero

Kelly and Slater rush to his rescue and tell Laura to give him a chance. For some stupid reason she does. But like also she’s homeless and this dude wants to take her out to dinner, so I’m guessing this is just survival on her part.

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After getting a photo with Santa, Laura and Zack bump into Zack’s mom. She invites her to participate in the mall’s production of A Christmas Carol. Alas, the mall truly was a beacon of social and cultural life in the 90’s. Shortly thereafter, Laura’s dad collapses in the mall. When the gang goes to visit him (following the party that candy striper, Lisa, is throwing for the kids there) they find Laura visiting him and realize that she’s homeless too.

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Zack and his mom learn that most of us are just a few pay checks from financial instability. Laura is currently the sole bread-winner with her mall retail job. Kelly tries to help her buy a sports coat for her father by telling their boss that she’s homeless, so he will give her an advance on her pay.

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But their boss is an even bigger jackass than Zack and says he would have never hired Laura had he known she was homeless. When everyone heads off to A Christmas Carol, Kelly puts the sports coat behind the counter because she plans to buy it for Laura.

The gang’s production is horrible. I mean it’s so bad that I’m not even able to make fun of it in a humorous way here. It’s so boring and it’s six minutes of my life I will never get back. Slater plays Tiny Tim. Wtf. He’s the largest person there. But I will say this, there’s something charming about Tiffani Theisan’s cockney accent. Someone hire her for Pygmalion!

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Anyway, the show ends and the store owner freaks out when he finds the coat missing. He calls Laura a thief when he cannot find a sales receipt and she runs away. The gang searches for Laura but no one can find her or her dad. So then Zack’s mom is like well, it’s time to buy a Christmas tree. And Zack is all like, “No, mom. I’m not in the mood.” And she’s like, “It’s time to get on with Christmas.” What??? No. What??? It’s not like “the show much go on” like you’re definitely just choosing to stop looking for these people after a few hours because you really need to get a Fraser Fir in your living room this evening??? I have no words. Like Zack’s mom might be a sociopath.

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You don’t just take a girl to see Santa and then give up on her when she runs away from her mall-home.

Coincidentally, Laura and her dad are living in their car at the Christmas tree lot! How convenient! I guess Zack’s mom actually is okay because she doesn’t want to leave these poor people sleeping in their car on Christmas Eve. So they stay with Zack and his mom instead. And also the retail store owner from the mall realizes he’s been a total dick and hand delivers the wrapped coat to Laura at Zack’s house. They’re going to stay there until Laura’s dad gets a new job, which he’s totally going to be able to do now that he has a sports coat.

smohe-1447348558-552-list_items-xmas_sbtbSo hm. I mean I feel like these people were all just like nice to some homeless people but like didn’t really help them until they fled the freaking mall where they probably lived. I mean Zack and his mom invited them over for dinner ONE TIME after Laura’s dad was in the hospital for collapsing from malnutrition. And then they were like “bye! we’ll see you at the mall sometime later on!” But you know what, this is Saved by the Bell, the people who brought you “Running Zack.” And by that standard, this is really thoughtful and progressive.

Also, OMG Jessie and Zack are next door neighbors? How did I not know this??

Very Special Lesson: All I learned from this is that you can live at the mall and that the Morris Family are a bunch of assholes for not buying that man a full suit and letting that poor desperate girl spend their food-money on that sports coat instead. This is the 90’s. People still wore suits to work at like every corporate job in America! But no. They needed to buy that damn Christmas tree.

I think this calls for an incredulous Tori. sbthb2

Sabrina, the Teenage Witch: Christmas Amnesia

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Sabrina’s aunts are like ridiculously into Christmas. They’re wearing some pretty intense Christmas garb and acting even more peculiar than normal. But Sabrina’s cranky about Christmas. She gets frustrated with the lights and would rather use magic than deal with decorating by hand.tumblr_mxvld8zhm71rijmvyo1_400

Sabrina’s aunts decide to engage her in a myriad of Christmas activities in an effort to make Sabrina more festive. But with each thing they try, she only gets less and less spirited. So finally they let her go to a party at the coolest club in the other realm on Christmas Eve. She’s such a grouch they decide to just spend Christmas Eve dinner without her.

But it turns out the other realm party is really creepy and awful. The only reason Sabrina was invited is that she is anti-Christmas spirit. The people at the party are throwing darts at a board with Santa’s face on it and watching a TV showing people celebrating Christmas.

That’s when things get really creepy. They zero in on Sabrina’s aunts eating without her and decide to make it even “more pathetic” by tricking them into thinking Sabrina came home for dinner, but then she of course doesn’t show. Like how creepy is that if witches can just watch each other? Like do they watch each other in the shower? Ick.

Sabrina is so disgusted that she rushes home to celebrate with her aunts. But when she gets there, she finds that she has erased Christmas entirely. (She turned off the TV and accidentally hit “erase” prior to leaving the other realm party.) Side note: Salem once destroyed the holiday “Bobunk” in much the same manner. What’s Bobunk? Exactly.

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Sabrina tries to save Christmas by spreading Christmas cheer to everyone. And it turns out that Christmas is actually pretty creepy if you don’t know the traditions.

For example, Sabrina gets arrested when she dresses up as Santa and yes all a random child in a department store when she doesn’t sit on her lap. She also sounds like a nut because she keeps walking around singing Christmas carols but like they just sound like jibberish to everyone else…

But when she and her aunts get snowed in, Sabrina realizes “all the hoopla of Christmas isn’t as important as spending time with your family.” Whoops, the spell is reversed!

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Very Special Lesson: Actually, I’m not sure what they were going for her. Sabrina didn’t like “the hoopla of Christmas” so it’s not like she was overly materialistic and needed to learn the “true” meaning of Christmas. She already spends a ton of time with her aunts and obviously never wanted them to suffer…oh wait yeah I guess she wasn’t supposed to skip Christmas Eve Dinner. So yeah. Have dinner with your loved ones and skip the crappy party instead.

 

A Very Murray Christmas

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I have to admit, after Scrooged, I thought Bill Murray had probably given all he could give to the Christmas film community. But then Netflix kept showing me trailers of A Very Murray Christmas and I was just dying to watch it.

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They finally released it last night and it’s less than an hour long. (The ideal Christmas Special length, as far as I am concerned.) Like Scrooged, Bill Murray is not excited about Christmas in A Very Murray Christmas. But it’s more like a dejected sad kind of “not happy” instead of his uninhibited malice in Scrooged. He’s also playing a fictionalized version of himself, so if meta-humor is your thing then you might love this.

Anyway, I’ll try to adhere to my rule of not spoiling anything modern, but this is one of my new favorite Christmas Specials for three reasons:
1. It shows how inseparable joy and sadness can be in the holidays. 19insideout-master675
2. It’s really very funny.
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3. The music is charming. Don’t expect the best vocals ever, but you will be entertained. And you can check out the soundtrack here.

 

Brotherly Love: A Roman Holiday

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I kind of forgot that this sitcom existed, but I really liked it in the mid-late 90’s. I feel like the Lawrence Brothers were kind of like my elementary school version of Cher’s “Baldwins” in Clueless.

Also, this theme song is really fun! And the opening credits make a junk-yard look like a fun, kid-friendly place! I’ve never been so excited at the prospect of looking for a few still usable tires! Or maybe a carburetor!

 

And I’m going on record here, Brotherly Love demonstrated Joey Lawrence’s best hair length ever. He should never have his hair shorter or longer than this. And whatever that blond phase was should never happen again.

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He looks like a freaking BeeGee! He should tour with Barry Gibb STAT!

If you’re not familiar Brotherly Love, real life brothers Joey, Matthew, and Andrew Lawrence play the “Roman” brothers whose father has just died. Joe is Matt & Andy’s half-brother and he’s getting a little more involved in their lives and getting to know his step-mother. He’s also running their family automotive business (hence the junk-yard in the opening.)

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This year, Joe has chosen to spend Christmas Day with his mother instead of with his brothers/step-mother, which means they’ll all celebrate Christmas together on a different day. And Andy is whining like crazy about it. Dude, would YOU spend Christmas with Joe’s mom if it was the other way around? I think not. Sorry,  you get to have two Christmases.

In some ill-fated attempt to be magical about Christmas, this dude named Lloyd (who works at their shop) tells Andy that he and Santa are fishing buddies. Andy then harasses him into calling “Santa” on the phone and Lloyd is all like yes, Santa said that Joe would spend Christmas with you and not his mother. ???? Ugh.

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Also, Matthew Lawrence can SING. Did other people know this was a thing? I mean he’s forced into a Christmas pageant in this episode, but his a capella is on point. I’m going to search YouTube for further videos of him singing.

Okay, here is everything that I found–
Baby Matt who has the same haircut as Andy in this show:


Singing in this Christmas Episode:

This Flashback Episode of Boy Meets World:

This Video where the Lawrence Brothers Announce that they’re making music together like but I’m pretty sure they haven’t actually laid down these tracks yet:

Also, watching the video above made me want to listen to Hanson, so here you go:

Whoops, got off track there.

So Andy is whining, Matt is in a pageant he’s not too keen on, and Joe is just trying to spend the holidays with his biological mother because he devotes the other 364 days of his year to his step-mom and half brothers.
Joe learns from Andy that Lloyd promised him that Santa said Joe would stay home for Christmas. By the way, you might recognize Lloyd from the Jonathan Taylor Thomas classic, Tom and Huck, in which he played “Muff Potter.” What a name.

Meanwhile, everyone tries to make Andy feel better. They’re like look we have a white Christmas and a giant surprise Christmas tree! But Andy’s still like everything sucks and screw all of you! But ultimately Andy gets his wish because that white Christmas canceled Joe’s flight.

Very Special Holiday Lesson: If you whine a lot but are also adorable, the universe will grant your wish.

Total Sidenote: Hanson is now brewing craft beer, called “Mmmhops“. If you’ve tried this, please leave a comment and let me know if it’s any good!

It’s the Most Very Special Season of All!

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There will be marshmallows for toasting and very special episodes filmed in places without any snow. It’s the hap-happiest television season of all!

I’m so, so excited for this year’s very special holiday season! I’ve been rediscovering shows I kind of forgot about but hold a special place in my heart, so I’ll be breaking some of those out this year.

And also, I’m feeling a lot of passion for holiday fashion. And not in an ironic way. Like I’m really considering buying some “ugly” sweaters but not because I think they’re ugly. I’m just in a place in my life where I don’t really give a crap if people think I look lame and I seriously just want to be festive and cozy. So like I may have suddenly aged into a 1980’s grandma, but I’m down with that.

Stay tuned for some holiday episodes from your favorite cheesy TV shows!

Home Improvement: The Wood, the Bad and the Hungry

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Even though last I said that Cheers had the best Thanksgiving episode ever, I think this is probably the best Thanksgiving episode ever. And I wasn’t lying last year. I just didn’t know this episode existed. But now I do. And now I think it’s the best.

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So there’s actually not a lot going on in this episode. Tim is having all of his friends and family over to his house for Thanksgiving, but he choses not to invite this one really annoying guy. But then he sees him at the soup kitchen, where Randy is volunteering. He’s kind of disturbed by the whole event, so he does what any good, stressed human would do. He falls asleep. And this is what he dreams:

As it turns out, this dude isn’t actually down on his luck. He just goes to the soup kitchen because he thinks the soup is tasty and “pays for it” with his “tax dollars.” So really, he’s a total turd. But Tim’s learned from his claymation dreams and decides that even total turds deserve a friendly meal on Thanksgiving.

Very Special Thanksgiving Lesson: “Even the lowliest creature needs a friend.”