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Clarissa Doesn’t Explain It All

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It’s spreading like the plague that will inevitably cause the Zombie Apocalypse. Clarissa Explains It All will be rebooted as a novel, in which Clarissa does not have all of the answers.

I can’t handle Clarissa having a quarter-life crisis. It sounds like she’s having a quarter-life crisis from the book description. :/

The fun of Clarissa Explains It All is that you really do think you have everything figured out when you’re fourteen. And maybe at fourteen, in your small pocket of the world, for like two-seconds, you do have it all figured out. I mean who is going to barge into your room and tell you that your assessment of school newspaper politics isn’t the most important thing in the world? You’re cool neighbor Sam? Yeah, right. He’s too chill to start an argument.

Clarissa, can you please explain the cultural zeitgeist that is happening right now?? What will I tell my children when we watch reruns together? My parents got to say things like “This is M*A*S*H. You don’t even understand how good this is.” And I would laugh along like I did understand, but I didn’t. I was pretending until I was old enough to actually get it.

But I will have to tell my children, “This is a continuation of a series that began thirty years earlier and you need to see twelve seasons prior to this one before understanding what’s going on here.” Or worse. I will Little Rascals-them about everything. Of course, I am referring to how my parents shamed my love of The Little Rascals movie because it wasn’t the “real” Little Rascals/Our Gang/I totally get what they were saying now and I’m going to be just as obnoxious to my children.

I’m probably going to pre-order this Clarissa book though. Let’s be real.

Delta Blues

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I’m sorry, this post has nothing to do with very special episodes except that I really could have used a very special ending tonight.

I just spent six hours at the airport to literally go nowhere. I cried as I walked out of the terminal and found myself exactly where I started. I grimaced as I paid 10 dollars to have my car sit in the parking deck for six hours. I tried to work with the Delta gate agents who were  polite and helpful, but ultimately unsuccessful. And then I left empty-handed, having spent $600 dollars to risk Athlete’s Foot and stand in a body scanner and not see my long-term turned long-distance boyfriend. I got 2 bags of chips and a bag of mini Oreos all in the name of customer service.

Now, I am on hold for a wait time of “greater than two hours” because a major airline can’t communicate about “weather.” I called in advance and stayed on hold for 90 minutes until a customer care call center attendant finally talked to me for 90 seconds. She thanked me for being “proactive” and assured me that everything had “cleared up” and that I would definitely make my connection. I was seriously feeling like Danny Tanner today. I was so detailed and on point and then all of it fell apart and I was left exasperated in the airport. But without a loving family to support me albeit I did have a better outfit on.

The one person who really made me feel taken care of was Davonte at the Best Western Plus in Atlanta. He took my reservation, was so reassuring as I called with updates of my constantly delayed departure, and ultimately canceled my reservation very graciously when it was no longer feasible for me to make the trip. Thank you, Davonte. I wish you worked for Delta and I was actually looking forward to meeting you tonight because good customer service makes you feel safe and like you’re both working to the same ultimate goal of reconciliation.

I never got to stay here, but I highly recommend it. And that IHOP would have made for a lovely breakfast.

Good customer service is not stringing me along, making me sit on a Tarmac, and feeding me only Chex Mix when I haven’t had the opportunity to eat since lunch because you told me not to leave the “gate area.”

Air travel is shitty enough as it is these days. We pay high prices to sit in uncomfortable seats. We’re charged for our luggage because paying for that shitty seat didn’t cover the cost of your toothbrush, underwear, and all of the other essentials we need to live in a society. Once upon a time, airlines took care of you. Now, they don’t. Maybe they don’t have enough money, but I’m tired of paying a ton of money to be treated like shit and told that I should feel grateful.

If anyone ever does take my call off hold, I plan on trying to cancel the return flight I clearly cannot take. I’ll take a voucher because I know cash is too good to hope for. But I better not hear anything about a “change fee.” That was something that always bugged me when I had to change corporate travel at my old job. Are you so desperate to hold on to even a shred of cash that you need to charge a $200 “change fee” for a seat you have most likely already double booked? Seriously?

At least Southwest sings to you. One time I sat in an armchair for three hours at the Nashville airport because my Southwest flight was delayed. I charged my phone and watched the World Cup and they gave each and every person on that flight a $100 voucher without us having to ask. They fixed connections and they literally paid us for our time. My time is important too. Especially when I have already paid you $600 for a service that you did not deliver. I don’t blame you that the weather prevented you from doing your job, but the weather is not my fault either.

P.S. I am still on hold.

Home Improvement: The Longest Day

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This episode scares the crap out of me because JTT has to get a cancer test after his mom tells the doctor that he’s been so sleepy. And the doctor felt swelling in JTT’s neck!

I’m chronically tired and sometimes I have a lump on my neck. But I’m a 25 year-old workaholic, hypochondriac with bad allergies, so I guess we’re not in the same boat.

Anyway, Jill keeps the cancer scare from JTT because she doesn’t want to scare him until they know what they’re dealing with. But they can’t keep it from him. They’re too busy spoiling him and he notices something is up.

And it’s moments like this that remind you that JTT isn’t just charming and skating by on his good looks. He’s actually a talented actor. COME BACK TO US JTT! I’m sure there’s a place for you in one of the 75 reboots currently in the works.

Jill and next-door neighbor Wilson have a really great heart to heart about how quickly things can change in an instant. It’s not sappy at all and is genuinely moving, which means it creeps my emotions out too much to actual comment on it at this point.

Meanwhile, JTT has gone missing. Jill’s still awaiting the phone call from the doctor, while Tim goes out looking for him. He’s at the arcade. That’s probably where I would be too.

He’s pissed that his parents didn’t tell him immediately that he might have cancer. I’d probably be pissed too. It’s awful to discover that while researching it alone at the school library. (Ugh, bad parenting moment, Tim and Jill.) And then they all come together as a family, lovingly and rationally calming their child’s fears.

Okay, the pot episode was stupid. But Home Improvement may have just won The Very Special Episode with the story of how JTT got cancer.

Oh wait. But you didn’t actually think he’d get cancer did you? This is a sitcom, and that’s way too sad of a fate for our favorite 90’s idol. He’s fine! He has hypothyroidism. The end!

Very Special Lesson: Be sure to keep important facts about your children’s health out of their knowledge. That way, when they notice they feel crappy and have been to the doctor for a lot of tests, they can fear the worst without the benefit of your health and guidance.

That Time I Tried to Be Open-Minded

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I just got home from work. And as I unlocked my door, I said to myself: “I should blog about the one thing that could possible make me change all of my opinions on Girl Meets World.”

You see, yesterday I learned that they would finally provide some closure to the Mr. Turner story. This is all I have ever wanted from Girl Meets World. It’s the primary reason I was interested in a reboot. It’s the only thing that could make me rethink my scathing reviews of it. And so I was going to sit here and say, “Hey! Reboots just might be okay!”

WORST CLIFF HANGER EVER!!

But then I learned that some idiot is remaking She’s All That and I immediately decided that I am still pissed about reboots.

I’ve never even seen the original She’s All That. I remember it being heavily parodied in Not Another Teen Movie, and my bff in middle school was pretty obsessed with the movie. But really, I never wanted to see the movie. And I’m okay with that. I’m not okay with the 21st Century appropriating my childhood every time I turn around!

Why do we need all of these reboots? Why can’t we all just watch reruns and blog about them??

Everything Old is New Again

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I understand that I’m writing a nostalgia blog, so who am I to point fingers? But can we please get some new content in Television? At first I was like hooray, Twin Peaks and then David Lynch was all like well, maybe not. But I rolled with the punches. Plus, sometimes it’s like: Who hasn’t been in The Odd Couple? It was a play that became a TV Show that became a play like 50 bazillion times and is now a TV Show again. I can deal with that. And I love Matthew Perry and that girl from Sabrina, so I could totally see myself giving the show a chance. I haven’t seen a full episode, so if it sucks don’t judge me/just pretend I never slightly endorsed it on the internet. And hey, I’m open minded. I even plan on watching the new Magic School Bus series because I’ve found that those episodes and Bill Nye are they ways that I learn best about science. But lately, I’ve started to feel like every time I turn around there’s another reboot in the mix and I’m starting to get pissed off about it. Maybe, it’s because I’ve been burned before. I’m looking at you Girl Meets World. But really, I can’t help but wonder is nothing sacred anymore?? Something about the Ducktales announcement has really resonated with me. Like Ducktales is coming back too? No one can think of an innovate new show for America’s youth, so we have to recycle Ducktales? It seems like everyone is looking for safe ratings, so they’re grabbing up shows they already know have done well. Instead of giving shows a chance to grow because nothing else is picking up great ratings, we live in a world where Coach gets a full series order after eighteen years. But at the same time, reboots can offer a chance to redeem a show that was once amazing and then flopped. Like maybe the new Muppet reboot can make us forget about Muppets Tonight. And wouldn’t we be all the better for it? Alas, it appears that society is telling me that reboots are in. So I’m launching a new segment of The Very Special Blog called “Reboot-o-Rama.” And yes, this is all an elaborate rouse to re-watch The Brady Brides.

Clueless: None for the Road

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I wanted this week’s post to be about Matthew Perry’s tragic guest arc on Growing Pains, but it’s nowhere on the internet. Since I doubt I’ll be able to get my hands on my VHS tapes from 1998, this post is probably never going to happen.

Luckily, I found an episode of Clueless (the awful TV show not the awesome movie) that essential rips off the Growing Pains plot. It’s Cher’s birthday and everyone is planning her a surprise party–as they do every year because she is soooo special. (Like this impostor could be as cool as the movie Cher, as if!) So really the surprise is not that there’s a party, but rather the party’s details.

And this party is rockin’ because *NSYNC shows up for a surprise performance. I couldn’t actually watch the second part of this episode because part 2 of 3 was missing from YouTube, but I did find this great clip of “Tearin’ Up My Heart.”

So what appears to be happening in the 14 minutes of this episode I was able to actually watch is pretty tame high school party with a really awesome concert mixed in. Only, Cher’s boyfriend, Murray, and that guy Murray always hangs out with get drunk and then drive home. Or attempt to drive home. Murray is okay, but the other two guys end up in the hospital.

Everything seems fine and then he abruptly dies just as everyone’s making plans to continue life blissfully. It’s literally the exact same plot twist as the Growing Pains episode–except that I think Cher’s dad may be facing a lawsuit on this one. I mean, I didn’t get to see the entire episode so it may not be his fault. But it kind of seems like he threw a rock concert in his backyard, let the kids get drunk, and then allowed them to drive home.

Anyway, you can compare the two on your own below. WordPress won’t let me embed at a specific time, ugh, so you have to skip to 7:26 for Clueless and 0:61 for Growing Pains. 

Very Special Lesson: Clueless was such a bad TV Show that it ripped off it’s very special episode from an awesome TV Show. Who is this tragic guest star? I don’t even care. Without the Matthew Perry magic, this episode sucks.

The Facts of Life: The First Time

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I feel like The Facts of Life did not live up to it’s name because everyone on this show was a virgin until the last season when they’re all well into their twenties. And I mean obviously, this is a very personally thing that doesn’t have to happen at a certain age, I just feel like statistically it’s odd that they’re all still virgins. But honestly, they all shared one bedroom for basically forever so maybe that hampered things. It’s the late 80’s and the girls live with Cloris Leachman (for unclear reasons). Blair isn’t in this episode because Lisa Whelchel objected to the subject matter for personal reasons. The house is actually a lot more pleasant without her.

No one tapped that on The Facts of Life.

The episode starts off with Snake (Natalie’s boyfriend) showing up to take her out for their one year anniversary. He wears coveralls and makes Natalie feel unappreciated, but hey it’s all one big fake out joke and he’s got a suit underneath! That’s the kind of guy you want to lose your virginity to, am I right?  Snake is about thirty-five years old and also apparently a virgin. After a special night of romantic dining, no one wants to say goodnight, and that’s how babies are made! Just kidding, this is The Facts of Life and Natalie’s a core cast member, so you can trust that she’s well prepared.

Natalie comes home at 5 am and wakes up Tootie to tell her she lost her virginity. Then at breakfast she tries to tell Jo, but the two kids who live with him (why??) keep barging into the room and she can’t finish the story. Then it’s just Cloris Leachman (who is apparently Mrs. Garret’s sister and therefore privy to all of the intimate stuff) and the girls, so Natalie can finally brag about her night. And then they are so SHOCKED that Jo spills a pile of cereal onto the table and Cloris Leachman’s knees buckle. Then they all quietly slut shame Natalie because Cloris waited until marriage. And Tootie is waiting until marriage. And Jo won’t comment. Then everyone says that she’s probably going to get pregnant. And that’s really why this show is past it’s prime. It’s okay to have life lessons when you’re fifteen, but I’m offended that all of these adult women are commenting on another adult woman’s personal decision.

Then Snake calls and tells her that he can’t see her for a while. Because that’s what guys do. They date a girl for a whole year just to have sex with her. And then it’s all over after that! That’s a long con I just don’t believe in, but we are expected to believe this plot-line for the next ten minutes. After about 24 hours of not hearing from him, Natalie says she never should have slept with him. The she takes everything out on Jo, who won’t tell her if she was “right”or “wrong.”

Why do the Facts of Life girls live with these people??

Jo has been the only sane person in this episode, but Natalie says she’s afraid of emotions or something and that’s why she won’t judgee her choices. Ugh. So then after some yelling Jo tells her to stop feeling bad just because Snake is being a jerk. Then she says that sex made Natalie forget she was a good person before Snake. What? I’m so confused. I’m so glad I wasn’t a teenager in 1988 because I would have trusted these fools and this episode is really odd.

Anyway, Natalie finally decides that she doesn’t regret anything and it’s not her fault that Snake is being a loser. But then Snake shows up at the door! And it turns out that he’s been so emotionally affected that he avoided her for days to see if he wanted to spend the rest of his life with her. So I mean I guess it’s thoughtful in the most selfish way possible. Then he says they’re heading towards marriage and Natalie is like nope. The episode cuts off here on YouTube. So I guess everything ends up okay?

Very Special Lesson: Don’t make life choices without running them by your friends and trusted older adult first. You thought you could make a reasonable decision on your own? Wrong!

The Golden Girls: All Bets are Off

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You know what I find most bizarre about this episode? Oh hold on, maybe you need to know a little about the plot first. Okay, so Rose is learning to paint but she doesn’t know what a horse looks like (from memory). So she bugs Dorothy to take her to the racetrack. Dorothy resists and then finally obliges.

Then Sophia flips out at Dorothy for going to the track because it turns out that she had a debilitating gambling problem fifteen years earlier. And now she has fallen off the wagon!! (Are you allowed to use that phrase for non-alcohol problems? Like maybe she fell off the race-horse-pulled-wagon?)

Anyway, here’s what I find really odd about this. Remember that time the GG’s donated a jacket to charity with Dorothy’s winning lottery ticket still in the pocket? Yeah, that happened a full season before this episode and no one was pissed about her gambling then.

So it must be some kind of race-track-only gambling addiction. Fine. Things get pretty bad when she is so preoccupied by betting on the horsies, that she reschedules a job interview due to “car trouble” and then misses the rescheduled interview entirely.

But the worst part is when she manipulates poor, naive Rose into handing over her debit card, so that Sophia can “have an operation.” Only Dorothy feels guilty about this, and yells at Rose for allowing herself to be taken advantage of. But this is one of those times when Rose is surprisingly savvy, and knows Dorothy’s angle. She’s was trying to reverse-psychology her into not robbing her, and it works. Then Dorothy goes to gambling rehab and we never hear of this ever again.

Very Special Lesson: Give an addict unlimited access to your cash, and they’ll realize the error of their ways immediately.

Very Special Movie: Go Ask Alice

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Ladies and germs, I bring you the the most screwed up thing I have ever written Screen Shot 2015-02-21 at 12.45.44 PMabout on this blog. In light of how I’ve dedicated the shortest month of the year to the 70’s, this week’s very special movie of the month is the most very special movie of them all, Go Ask Alice. Based upon the “anonymously” written (by Beatrice Sparks) “non-fiction” book of the same name, this pack of lies tells you all about the freaky-deaky world of drug addiction.

As you know, all drug-addicts are friendless losers, so we start off this movie by having “Alice” establish that she is sad. She’s also concerned about boys becoming “instant sex maniacs,” and her mother tells her to “be aware of her own desires too.” YUCK where is the acid?

“White Rabbit” is playing, so things should start to get good soon. Eventually, Alice makes friends with Beth. Beth is a super nerd, but it’s okay because she’s smart. It’s not okay that Alice is a super nerd because Alice is not smart. This is the stupidest thing I’ve ever heard because being a super nerd is awesome. Then Beth goes away to summer camp and Alice is lonely and bored.

Alice meets a cool girl from school at a clothing store and the cool girl invites her to a party. Here we go! This is not a drill, people! They play a game called “button, button.” This game is really just that everyone but one dude gets soda with acid in it. Everyone knows the game but Alice, so she’s super naive and doesn’t know she’s tripping until the cute boy next to her explains everything. At this point, she’s become a drug addict. Obviously.

She also starts taking tranquilizers every month to get over her “monthly pregnancy scare.” Additionally, she is now anorexic. That’s another bi-product of acid addiction. But being an addict, really improves Alice’s fashion sense.

That fall, Alice celebrates her sixteenth birthday. She and her friends do lines of coke just moments before her parents bring in the bday cake. Only Alice’s brother kind of gets that something is off whereas Alice’s parents are so naive that they’re just like hah teenagers are weird! Soon feelings become too much for Alice, so she starts balancing out her days with pills.

When one of their friends gets arrested, Alice and the cool girl (what’s her name?) take over as drug pushers at the junior high. And now it’s time to try Speed! Additionally, Alice’s boyfriend is only into her when he is high, which is a major bummer. Then Alice really compromises her morals by selling drugs to a twelve year old who is pushing them into grade school.

Soon after, Alice discovers her boyfriend having a threesome with a random girl and the cool girl’s boyfriend. Then she and the cool girl (Chris) run away to California. They only have $200 and cannot stay off drugs in order to make the money last. At some point, off camera Alice and Chris move in with a creepy couple who keep dope in candy dishes and hold them as prisoners.

Then Alice meets Andy Griffith at a Catholic mission. She’s been referred there by The Diggers (so 70’s). She gives him her diary because that’s pretty much her only way to communicate at this point. Andy Griffith helps her keep clean, and it comes to light during all of this that Alice has also pretty much sold Chris into sex slavery because she wanted drugs/didn’t want to be a sex slave herself. (We do hear from Alice that Chris eventually makes it home, but we never see her again.)

The moral of this story is that you should always listen to Andy Griffith. Anyway, Alice gets home and everyone seriously tries to get Alice to do/sell drugs again. Someone even passes her pills while handing back a graded paper. Beth won’t invite her to her party because of her “reputation.” The girl can’t win!

Things break down into a weird altercation, in which Alice is babysitting an infant because the original sitter did not show up. Then the original sitter rushes in from a rainstorm, high out of her mind. She freaks out and attacks Alice for stealing her job. Alice calls the girl’s mother because she’s about to straight up murder her, and the next day at school all of the drug addicts harass her. Then the crazy girl from the night before (who is at school right now??) tells her that she’s going to trick Alice’s little bro into doing drugs by giving him “candy.”

While Alice is babysitting again, someone doses her coke. The level of access that these creepy child addicts have is phenomenal. Alice ends up in the hospital and can hardly communicate. It was time to move to a new town like two months ago, parents!

Anyway, things do end up pretty good for Alice. She goes to rehab, rekindles her friendship with Beth, and dates a really nice college boy. And then she dies. Of an overdose. And no one knows if it was murder or not.

Very Special Lesson: I think the real message of this movie is not that you should avoid doing drugs. I think it’s that you should never drink a soda that you didn’t open. First of all, it is rude to take open drinks from homes where you are babysitting. And secondly, that drink may be full of way too much acid for anyone to possibly handle. Also, if your parents won’t let you transfer out of the school where people are trying to murder you, then it’s time to run back to California and hang with Andy Griffith.

Happy Days: Fonzie’s Blindness

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Crap. What a week. I’m so tireeeed. I’ve been sitting in my bed for the past 3 hours doing that thing where you just kind of like stare at Hulu or like the empty space just beyond your computer screen and think, “How is my brain possibly still conscious and functioning?” And yet, there is some weird synapse that keeps firing and it’s that synapse that forces you to stay awake against all human odds? That’s science right?

And all I can say about this week, is at least it wasn’t as bad for me as it was for Fonzie that time he was temporarily blinded because Al hit him in the head with a lunch tray.

If your optic nerves are that fragile, then you seriously need to have some work done. But anyway, the Fonz has a really hard time with this because he’s flawless and prideful and God-forbid he be slightly vulnerable let alone missing one of his essential senses!

But since he’s a god-among-men, everyone caters to his ever need and wish, so much so that Richie worries he will be totally helpless for the rest of his life. And so he rips Fonzie a new one during the family dinner because Fonzie asks Joanie to salt his potatoes for him. And Richie is like DO IT YOUR DAMN SELF, FONZIE even though he has only been blind for like a week and maybe it takes some time and emotion to react to that kind of thing.

But I get it, we’re on a thirty minute timeline and we need to move things along. So Richie takes Fonzie’s motorcycle apart. He really shouldn’t be driving blind anyway, so this seems like no loss to me but Fonzie has a metaphysical break down. And Richie’s all like Mr. Miyagi and saying he should use the force within or something and wax-on his way to putting tiny little screws and nuts and bolts together kinesthetically.

Fonzie loses his shit and like can’t handle it. Then he asks God why he allowed this to happen to him. “I thought I was your favorite person,” he said. I mean I get that Fonzie is cocky, but that’s like way beyond the point of acceptable charm here. That’s like probably the definition of Narcissistic Personality Disorder. But then he get’s down to business and puts the bike together from memory.

And then Fonzie is rewarded for his perseverance and regains his sight at the end of the episode. He says things are a little “blurry” but if he keeps going to the doctor for his “treatments” then he should be 20/20 again in no time. That’s some awesomely advanced medical work for the 50’s.

Very Special Blog: Work hard, be humble, and all of your disabilities will melt away.