Riley and the front-desk guy (Evan) are still talking on the window seat bench as the sunrises. Riley freaks out and says that her parents “can never know.” And then front desk guy says, “You can never know.” And then Cory and Topanga pop up from behind one of the ski lodge couches. Wait what?? This is is so creepy and I’m totally freaked out on behalf of Riley. I’ve heard of helicopter parents but this is some next level shit.

They too have stayed up all night talking. (Probably more like covertly whispering as they eavesdropped on their kid and her new friend.) They said they wanted to “see what the big deal was.” So Riley asks them how it was. And Topanga basically says it was great and now she likes Cory more. And so Cory says to Riley, “What about you, Riley. Is it a big deal?”

This has got to be the worst way to grow up. This kid never gets to try anything on her own without her parents lurking about with some heavy handed lesson. What is your problem, Cory? Amy and Alan never did you like this!

As Riley tries to head back upstairs, she realizes that all of her classmates are waking up and heading downstairs. And Lucas is pissed that she’s been talking all night with a new guy.

But let me say something positive for once. The girl who plays Maya is hilarious. Her comedic delivery is so on point and I like that they’re playing up that side of her character. In fact, if she was Cory & Topanga’s kid then I’d probably watch this on the regular. Actually, wouldn’t that have been a more interesting show? Cory & Topanga have a Shawn-like kid?

Maya tries to talk Lucas out of his funk, encouraging him not to give Riley such a hard time. Riley sees them chatting and notices some chemistry. She decides to talk with her Uncle Josh about the situation. Then they have this meandering conversation about how Maya has given up herself to become like Riley because she loves Riley so much? Or like wants to feel protected? Or is having a hard time? I don’t know. I like to think of myself as a fairly intelligent person, but I had so much trouble following this. I think that it’s most likely one of those things that shows do to try to make kids think that there’s some heavy subject matter at hand when the real answer is mostly that Maya’s a teenager who spends way too much time with one other person and doesn’t really have a strong family life. So she probably has a weird sense of identity right now and will grow out of it like we all do. One of my major complaints with this show is that these characters straight up do not talk like real people.

“Why do we like the same boy,” Riley asks for a second time. Oh right, that’s all that matters here. So then Josh says to Riley that they do not in fact like the same boy. You see, Maya’s only been “liking” Lucas to protect Riley. It seems that Maya and Riley have this realization at the same time, so they head over to the window seat to chat about it. Maya shares that she wanted to be like Riley in order to “make sure what she was feeling” and she wants to make sure Lucas is the right guy for her.

Woah, okay. So many bad boundaries here. I know they’re fourteen and they’re probably too stupid to know about boundaries, but this actually seems like a good time for Cory & Topanga to intervene. So they can let their kid talk all night to a stranger while they listen in the wings, but they can’t teach their kid and her friend about healthy relationships?? Oh yeah…I guess the kind of parents who spy on their children are probably not the best teachers of healthy relationships.

Alas, the only answer lies in the notorious book, “The Official Guide of Who Belongs With Who,” which Cory of course remembers from 20 years earlier. He urges them not to play, but for once these virtuous children do not listen to him. Good. This is getting more interesting. Also, this is the “next generation” edition of this book, so it’s not even the same one that Cory knows.

Everyone breaks off into smaller groups: Lucas is pissed and like wants to beat up a tree so his friend goes with him to stop him, Maya grabs Josh by the arm and drags him to the damn window seat, and that leaves Smackle & Farkle with Evan. They grab the book from him and realize it is the exact same book that Cory knows. Evan was making up the questions. He explains himself to be they’re like romance spirit-guide/guru. I don’t know. This dude a creep in my opinion. All of these kids should head back home to the city ASAP.

Okay, Josh is actually a cool guy. He’s really observant (which he attributes to being so much younger than his siblings and growing up watching them). He tells Maya that she’s a really cool person but she is taking on too much of Riley’s personality to be protective. So Maya kind of gets it now. She like kind of got it earlier with Riley but now she understands exactly what she was doing. And now she’s herself again. (Ugh, I guess. I don’t know. It’s been a while since I was a teenager but I don’t remember it working quite like this.) Maya also says that she loves Riley and would never want anything that she wanted.

Josh says, “that’s a really adult way of thinking.” Okay Josh, you’re a nice guy, but I respectfully disagree. This girl literally just told you that she assumed her friend’s personality for an extended period of time and is just now “herself” again. I don’t find that very adult. And if it’s the part about not wanting to steal your friend’s boyfriend, then I’m pretty sure that’s basic protocol for all ages. Either way, I guess she is maturing. Finally, Josh and Maya agree to play “the long game,” which I assume means revisiting this when Maya is also 18 or older. 

Wait. Time out. I just looked up their character on the Girl Meets World wikia. (I know. Sad.) And Josh is only 17? And Maya is like 15? Why did they bring a 17 year old boy to chaperone a 15 year old girl? That’s so cruel to both of them! I thought he was like in college or something. Scratch everything I’ve written before. This is once again, all Cory & Topanga’s fault. Also, why can’t Josh just take Maya to prom and be done with this? Or did they advance his age or something? Omg, I don’t know and I’m over it.

So then Lucas asks Riley out, finally. He also gives her a jelly bean in a ring box. It means something to them, I guess. I don’t understand. This is high drama and I’ve never so dramatically been asked on a date. Omg then Riley gives him that damn leaf that floated in through the window. But also she asks him to think of buying a sandwich for her when he buys a sandwich for himself. I really appreciate that she’s brining this up because it’s my primary need in a relationship as well.

Cut to: creepy Evan thinking he made all of this happen. Or “guided” them to it or whatever. OMG HE IS LINDA CARDELLINI’S SON. Or like the character she played, rather. So he’s like the positive version of her character?

Very Special Lesson: Omg, you are teenagers in New York City. Calm the eff down and stop taking yourselves so seriously. Go hang out on St. Mark’s Place like every other kid your age.