Christmas

Baywatch: Silent Night, Silent Baywatch

~ theveryspecialblog ~ 2 Comments

Do you ever feel like something is missing from your life, and you just can’t put your finger on it? That something is the Baywatch Christmas episode. This is actually a two-parter, but I can only take so much Baywatch so I will only be reviewing the second part of this classic tale of loan sharks, child con-artists, and ridiculously sexy lifeguards. Or as I like to call it, the true meaning of Christmas.

So this all begins with the child con-artist falling off a pier and being rescued by the Baywatch life guards. You see, the kid is a con-artist with a heart of gold. She’s just trying to steal money to bail her mom out of prison. And that’s why we care about whether she lives or dies.

The lifeguards save the dying child with some CPR (they have an unusually high success rate) and their technique is so good that no other medical attention is necessary. Anyway, the reason that the kid fell off the pier in the first place is that some creepy thug man was following her due to her involvement in illegal activities. But she’s so young and innocent that she wishes Santa would bring her mom home for Christmas. (She lost the money she stole to bail her mom out when she hid it in a bunch of Christmas packages).

David Hasselhoff (is that how you spell his name? I don’t care enough to actually find out) promises to call Santa. Then if we weren’t primed for a very special lesson enough already, David Hasselhoff catches her smoking a cigarette because she can’t sleep and we get to talk about the dangers of smoking! We are less than eleven minutes in to this show, people. Can you handle it? Ultimately, DH decides to go for the harm-reduction method and trades the kid some greasy potato chips for the pack of cigarettes.

Then some women ask DH to chose between them and I stopped paying attention because I don’t have time for this shit.

In the meantime, DH has bailed the con-artist’s mom out of jail, and if they just give back the money then everything will be fine. The only problem is that the kid says she dropped it off of that pier.

Also, Pam Anderson is in love with a priest. Guys, I wish I had been a Baywatch writer. The options were limitless. Can you imagine how creative you could be? And so many people watched this that you just know those people did pretty well for themselves.

Then there is something about people with dwarfism being mistaken for Santa’s elves, which would maybe be forgivable if done so by a small child instead of a twenty year-old protector of beach-goers. But then it turns out they really are Santa’s elves? So this is weird.

You know, I had a classmate in second grade who was only allowed to watch two hours of TV per day and she saved if for back to back episodes of Baywatch. At eight, I thought that was risqué, but watching this now I think all of these plots are written at a second grade reading level, so her television habits make a lot more sense in retrospect.

Then the lifeguards spray something that looks like the foam from a fire extinguisher all over the beach, so that they can have a white Christmas. I can’t help but wonder, is this eco friendly? In the midst of this probably-not-safe-for-the-ocean foam party, the creepy dude from the pier shows up and Santa’s elves chase him down. They disarm him by throwing Christmas gifts at him and then a man in a Santa suit (the REAL Santa, perhaps?) arrests him.

Meanwhile, back at the party, the priest that Pam Anderson is in love with opens the box with the stolen money in it, and the con-artist mom decides that letting that money go to the church is the perfect opportunity for a new start for her and her daughter.

Very Special Lesson: There were quite a lot in here let me see if I can remember them all:
-Don’t steal
-Don’t smoke cigarettes
-Do cover the beach in weird foam
-Do accuse strangers of being elves because they probably really are
-Do track down potential attempted-murderer of child con-artist even though you have no legal jurisdiction
-Do send said elves to attack said attempted-murderer of child con-artist
-Post bail for strangers as long as they have a cute dependent child, whom you have kept in your care even though you are not a foster parent or group home provider.

What did I just watch?

All That: Christmas

~ theveryspecialblog ~ 1 Comment

Why didn’t anyone tell me there was an All That Christmas Special?! I should have been watching it 1995 and not finding out about it on iTunes over a decade later! Also it’s only eighteen minutes and forty-five seconds long, so there is no excuse for not watching this. If you’re like “ahhh the holidays are driving me crazy! I have no time to be festive!” then I recommend you sit down right now and watch this very short children’s program. A lot of these are greatest hits (Super Dude, Cooking with Randy and Manny, Vital Information for your every day life). Do not let the short running time fool you into thinking there aren’t a lot of sketches. There are plenty of sketches. It’s just that some of them are like one minute long. randy-and-mandy

Anyway, the episode starts off with the meaning of Christmas: materialism. All of the kids tell Santa what they want for Christmas, including Josh who says he is Jewish but is awarded a new computer anyway. Kenan and Lori Beth are excluded because they are not on the nice list this year. Everyone else pretty much asks for the most 90’s stuff ever. I’m surprised someone didn’t request moon boots.

Things All That Kids Want for Christmas:

-Katrina wants a cordless phone

-Monique wants Denzel Washington

-Alisa wants rollerblades (and a lot of other stuff)

-Kel wants $50 cash immediately for a date (well I guess that’s something that has stood the test of time. Santa, if you do exist. Please bring me $50 immediately. I don’t have a date but I would like a little help on my groceries).

Vlcsnap-2012-06-29-02h27m23s130So basically this is just an All That episode but every sketch has a Christmas theme. Randy and Mandy’s cooking show is all about making chocolate meals (as usual) but they also include recipes for Chocolate Matzah Ball Soup and Chocolate Turkey Stuffing. Then they mix a chocolate milkshake in Kenan’s mouth and it feels like such a choking hazard that I wonder if this would be allowed today.

Then we get to see Superdude overcome his lactose intolerance and defeat the Milkman, who has kidnapped Santa. Did anyone else feel like Josh as “Milkman” in Super Dude was just doing his best Jim Carrey impression? Actually, maybe all of Josh’s characters are his impersonation of Jim Carrey.

This is only 19 minutes long! Where is the musical guest? Did the DVD cut it?

Anyway, French with Pierre Escargot is still the best part of this show.

Very Special Lesson: There was a severe lack of Lori Beth Denberg in this episode.

Vital information only had 2 lines and neither of them were great. Lori Beth was only been in this episode for 30 seconds total! I would like to send a message to the producers of All That and ask them to get into their space-time-machine and please re-write this episode to include her as an additional villain in the Super Dude sketch. We want to see the stakes raised in a holiday episode! And why have you squandered her talent?!

Very Special Fun Fact: Malcolm-Jamal Warner directed this episode. Also, apparently the episode was 24 minutes long and iTunes ripped me off. Run DMC performs “Christmas in Hollis” in the original performance and there is also a sketch called The Girls’ Christmas Carol.

Agh THANK GOD FOR YOUTUBE YOU GUYS!

The Facts of Life: Christmas in the Big House

~ theveryspecialblog ~ 7 Comments

Okay, so for those of you who missed out on The Facts of Life, it’s a show about a group of girls who live together at boarding school and for whatever reason continue to living together well after boarding school with their dorm-mother and it’s not weird. It’s not even weird at all. And no one wants to move out. Ever. Even though there are like four twenty year-old women sharing a room. facts-of-life-christmas-in-the-big-house-01_0

Anyway, basically the girls end up volunteering on Christmas eve at a prison and everyone is super into it except for the snooty rich girl, Blair. Jo (whose particularly close to this situation because her dad is an ex-con) says that Blair is just a socialite do-gooder who only helps as long as she doesn’t have to actually interact with them. You know, she throws money at stuff.

So anyway, Blair refuses to participate in this show, but she goes with them anyway and sits “backstage” at the prison theater. Yep, this prison has a theater. It’s like the USO! Kind of…

These prisoners are like so clean cut and I don’t just mean like they look clean, I mean whoever is doing their hair in the prison barber shop is pretty great.

It’s kinda nice that the girls can’t sing very well.facts-of-life-christmas-in-the-big-house-20_0

Mrs. Garret holds a prisoner’s hand. Is that allowed? Isn’t there a no touching rule?

But the warden has promised them more and no one knows what to do! They have done the entire show! The girls want to runaway, but Mrs. Garret tells them that they are the inmates entire Christmas. Finally, Blair decides to participate after the very special speech from Mrs. Garret. Blair can sing and she’s doing it a capella because she was a mouseketeer. Then all of the inmates sing too and like agh I know they are fake inmates and this fake prison is abnormally nice, but it still makes me tear up. Then she repeats the song like seven times until the credits end. LIKE SEVEN TIMES. Does this song not have other verses??? Talk about ruining the moment.

Very Special Lesson: It’s important not to make their ears bleed when you have a captive audience.

The Nanny: The Christmas Episode

~ theveryspecialblog ~ Leave a comment

Screen Shot 2014-11-30 at 9.27.55 PMMr. Sheffield is not going to be home for Christmas. His kids even know that he uses a personal shopper to buy all of their gifts. Fran asks little Gracie, who is too cynical to believe is Santa, what she would ask of him for Christmas if she did believe. Gracie says that she would wish for her dad for Christmas. Well, I think we know where this episode is going.

So Mr. Sheffield decides to go out of town to raise money for a children’s charity instead of spending Christmas with his own children. She did, however, convince Mr. Sheffield to pick out the children’s gifts himself. What she didn’t realize, is that he also picked out a gift for her as well in lieu of a Christmas bonus. So she pawns the gorgeous vase he got her in order to pay for the gifts she had already charged on her credit card. But Mr. Sheffield gives her this beautiful speech as snow falls on him in the doorway (soon) about how he picked it out just for her and hopes she will cherish it, etc, etc.  Screen Shot 2014-11-30 at 9.25.09 PM

So Fran rushes back to the pawn shop and pawns her grandmother’s watch (a family heirloom) in order to get the vase back. In a weird kind of not really gift-of-the-magi situation, Niles alerts Mr. Sheffield to the situation and he tracks down the watch at the pawn shop. But it isn’t her grandmother’s watch. It’s some random stranger’s watch. Then Mr. Sheffield accidentally sits on the vase and ends up in the hospital with chards of glass in his butt. Screen Shot 2014-11-30 at 9.25.18 PM

But hey they get to spend Christmas together and Gracie believes in Santa because her wish came true! Mr. Sheffield tells Gracie that it was his Christmas wish to spend time with them too. (Uh yeah okay but that didn’t stop you from scheduling a fundraiser on Christmas Day…)

Very Special Lesson: Sometimes it takes a Jewish Nanny to remind a WASP family of the true meaning of Christmas.

Boy Meets World: A Very Topanga Christmas

~ theveryspecialblog ~ 1 Comment

Topanga spends Christmas with the Matthews and is basically the worst houseguest ever. I know she’s known Cory since like birth, but doesn’t she even want to try a little bit to not totally piss off his parents? Isn’t she like looking to one day marry this guy? She brazenly changes out all of their Christmas traditions with her own. She makes them drive six hundred miles to Vermont to get an evergreen instead of the aluminum tree that they have used for the past twenty years. She scorns their eggnog and sends them on a mission to get hot mulled cider. She even brings her own tree topper, a snowy white angel, instead of their cardboard macaroni noodle star. BMWXMAS1

Meanwhile, Shawn and long lost brother Jack are trying to figure out what they have in common. They accidentally discover that they both like iceskating and everything is just fine. They leave Cory sitting on their couch alone, and he falls asleep to dram A Christmas Carol-style. He has left Topanga on Christmas Eve (which is a douche move even though she was being insufferable). She says she will be waiting for him at his parents’ house, but Cory remains at Shawn’s nevertheless.

Here’s what happens in Cory’s dream:

  • He and Eric live in Shawn and Jack’s old apartment. He’s very fat because all he eats now is the last meal that Topanga ever made for him: Christmas tree pancakes, no syrup, dusted with powdered sugar. Eric is bald (sad).
  • Topanga and Jack are happily married in suburbia. They have three kids, open presents on Christmas Eve (not like Cory’s family), but they do have an aluminum tree. (She is capable of compromise!)

BMWXMAS2Cory wakes up from his dream and delivers the promise ring to Topanga. OMG she also gives him a promise ring for Christmas! I feel like in real life Cory’s parents would have been like don’t come to our home and ruin our traditions way before things ever got to this point.

Very Special Christmas Lesson: When you love someone, you start to make your own traditions. And sometimes that means having an aluminum tree.

The Partridge Family: Don’t Bring Your Guns to Town Santa

~ theveryspecialblog ~ 2 Comments

partridge fmailyWhat’s the dirty little secret of someone who already watches all of the cheesiest TV ever? I love The Partridge Family. I once saw Danny Bonaduce in an Amtrak Cafe car and I geeked out about it (from a distance), which means I ran back to my seat and texted my dad because he was one of the only people I knew old enough to care. He responded that Danny Bonaduce was “pretty rough” and I had to agree. Anyway, I wish him all the best because the whole former child star thing really does seem to suck. But Danny seemed to be having a lively conversation with the cafe car guy, so I hope that’s a good sign.

So anyway, this Very Special Christmas episode is pretty trippy. It opens with Shirley Jones/David Cassidy singing “Walking in a Winter Wonderland” and it is so great. It’s also great because you know it’s really their voices and that can’t be said of anyone else in this entire cast.

Oh no! The bus breaks down on the way home from the Christmas concert! Even worse, they have broken down in a ghost town!

So while Keith and (father figure/manager) Reuben try to fix the bus, a nice old man tells the rest of the family a story about what the town was like before it was a ghost town. And all of the partridge family are the characters in the story. The entire town is pastel colored. Apparently, the town has a large silver bell so that Santa can find the children because that is how far out in the boonies they are. Also, they have latex balloons in a rainbow of colors and I know that shouldn’t bug me as an anachronism with everything els that is going on, but it does. Otherwise, things seem great until a newcomer comes to town and steals the bell for no reason other than that he is mean.Screen Shot 2014-12-07 at 9.00.28 PM

Then The Partridge family mom/saloon owner convinces her daughter/schoolmarm to try to “charm” the mean bell-stealer into returning the bell. That doesn’t work and her hair is all messed up when she returns, which I find concerning. She says he is mean and I hope he just decided to pull her hair like a schoolboy instead of something sketchy.

Screen Shot 2014-12-07 at 8.56.36 PMDavid Cassidy, as the sheriff, walks around town singing something that sounds like the Partridge family version of the Brave Sir Robin song from Monty Python.

Then Danny Bonaduce almost saves the day as “Little the Kid,” who tries to win the bell back in a game of poker. But the mean man pulls a gun on him, and manages to keep Christmas from happening (so Grinch like). Except then Alvin and the Chipmunks start singing “We Wish You a Marry Christmas.” What? But it is not the chipmunks because Shirley Jones informs everyone that those are the sounds of eight tiny reindeer. Santa did not need the bell to find the town!

Also, it turns out that the mean man stole the bell because he was feeling left out of Christmas. Santa never visited him and that made him cranky. Then the town gives him the silver bell. But he’s so moved by the spirit of Christmas that he gives it back to them. Then they make friends.

By this time, Reuben and Keith have fixed the bus, so the family leaves but we stay in the ghost town with the old man. Then we have to witness his poor old man totally alone in a ghost town for Christmas and like it’s the most depressing thing I’ve ever seen on a sitcom. And just when you’re like the Partridges are the douchiest people ever, the dulcet tones of a fake family band caroling in a ghost town caress your ears. storytime

They’re so obviously lip syncing but it’s heartwarming either way. Also, my favorite part of this fake family band is how there’s only one adult male and yet there’s always like three adult male voices in their “live” performances.

Very Special Lesson: Don’t leave the elderly alone on Christmas, especially not when they live in a ghost town and their only means of transportation is a donkey. That’s just horrible.

Home Improvement: I’m Scheming of a White Christmas

~ theveryspecialblog ~ Leave a comment

This is a very special episode in which nothing happens. I’ve never seen anything quite like this. We have to learn a very important lesson and yet we see nothing at all about the consequence of our actions! Okay, wait let me back up.homeimprovementXMAS1

Randy and Brad are canvassing the neighborhood in support of something that we only know as “the charity.” They are raising so much money for “the charity” that they realize how much stuff they could buy for themselves if they keep 50% of what they are supposed to be giving to “the charity.” Things go great and they end up buying a ton of stuff, while also getting their mom’s approval for working so hard to raise money for “the charity.” Not even when Jill finds the loot in Brad’s book bag do we learn the true name of “the charity.” Finally, when she and Tim confront Brad and Randy with they evidence, we learn they were supposed to be raising money to donate to the “Oak Lane Children’s Center” for children who have “next to nothing.”

HomeImprovementXMAS2Okay, so time to go down and meet some friendly orphans in order to learn the true meaning of Christmas, right? Nope. Brad and Randy come home from apologizing (off camera) and Randy is mad at Brad because Brad didn’t talk at all and Randy had to apologize for the both of them. But then Brad saves the day by pointing out some toys that he and Randy no longer play with and can donate to the center. Problem solved! In other news, Tim’s Christmas lights are blinding, and Al gets stuck in a fake chimney as Santa Claus while The Manhattan Transfer performs on Tool Time.

Very Special Christmas Lesson: If you steal money from charity, be sure to make up for it by giving the kids some of your old crappy toys for the holidays.

The Babysitter’s Club: The Babysitter’s Special Christmas

~ theveryspecialblog ~ 1 Comment

The show opens with the baby-sitters perusing many different Christmas socks and oohing and awing indiscriminately over everything they pass. Then this bunch of 14-year olds descends upon a mall Santa’s lap, yet oddly it’s they who look like the creeps here—Jessie casually strokes Santa’s beard while he rolls his eyes and gently shakes his head. Poor guy, he’s just trying to make minimum wage around the holidays.

jessie creeps on santaAfter the mall, the sitters head on over to the hospital to throw a Christmas party for the kids. Everyone has markers and big pads of paper except for Mallory who gets the bitch job of sorting out the paper chain. Dawn wants to make Christmas cookies when she and Stacey babysit some obnoxious little boys, including little Pete from The Adventures of Pete and Pete. Dawn gets all self-conscious when she realizes that she’s totally disregarded Stacey’s diabetes. I don’t know how she forgot since Stacey mentions it like every other sentence.

Mary-Anne comes up with the idea to have secret Santa as soon as a couple of the girls complain that they don’t have enough money to buy everyone a gift. She instantaneously passes out slips of pre-cut paper. Probably a quiet power play since Kristy wouldn’t like someone else taking charge. “Oh I’ll just casually have these pre-cut slips of paper to pass out like I just thought of it.”

death by cookieLater on, whilst baby-sitting Stacey starts shoveling cookies into her mouth all cavalierly like she’s not stuffing her body with poison. Who even thought this was a good idea–o give already rambunctious children a ton of sugar? The only reason they didn’t totally destroy the house is probably that Stacey consumed a toxic amount of sugar herself.

Dawn totally outs Stacey at the Christmas party and super bitchily says, “I just don’t like it when people don’t take care of themselves.” Like she’s personally affronted by Stacey’s reckless behavior, but not because she’s concerned about her best friend but rather she doesn’t like it on principle. Dawn and her ideals. To be fair, the babysitters do seem to be exclusively having sweets at their soirees in the episode.

BSC X-masOf course, Stacey ends up on the hospital because all she has eaten in the past day is cookies and chocolate. I knew (of) a couple of diabetic kids growing up and once they were old enough to realize that sugar could literally kill them, I never remember any of them tempted to gorge themselves on it, so I can only assume that this is some kind of risky adolescent rebellion on Stacey’s part.  Drugs seem pretty hard to come by in Stonybrook, so it looks like everyone has to settle for a sugar high. Otherwise, this seems like a pretty serious cry for help. Why aren’t we talking about Stacey’s clearly self-destructive tendencies, instead of being all like “lay off the cookies, Stace.” Everything turns out okay though because Stacey gets to come to the party with all of the other children…which makes me wonder why the babysitters are only throwing a party for young children. Wouldn’t it suck to be thirteen and stuck in the hospital? I’m thinking that these girls don’t actually interact with their peers outside of this club. Would they even be friends if they weren’t also business associates?

Very Christmas Lesson: Don’t make your diabetic friends make cookies that they can’t eat. Ever hear of artificial sweetener, people?

 

Very Special Shopping List

~ theveryspecialblog ~ Leave a comment

Today is the biggest shopping day in America, and as far as I’m concerned, the dawn of the apocalypse. Black Friday scares me first and foremost because of, oh I don’t know, the threat of physical violence. But I also hate the whole frantic consumerist nature of it, in spite of the fact that I do enjoy saving a few bucks. Anyhow, I’ve decided to be topical and give you a shopping list of all things very special. But you can stay home and buy these things online. Or don’t buy them at all. I’m trying to make all of my gifts this year. I’ve started already because I’m worried that I’ll mess them up and I need time to start all over again.

Okay, so let’s get this list going!

For the movie lover:

You can purchase a  Back to the Future Part II 2015 hat in 2014. That’s just before these will be on the market, people! Give your loved one this timely gift, so they can say they had it first! $24.99 at Think Geek.

For the saccharine couple in your life:

This is perfect for that couple that you have to spend time with as a couple because they aren’t individuals at all. You can give these as a joint gift and then they can pretend they gave them to each other. $16 at TulaTinkers.

For the person who likes Apples to Apples and Cards Against Humanity and needs another group matching card game:

This is a game that’s entirely made up of matching “Hello my name is _______” with “You __________ prepare to die.” $24.99 on Amazon.

For the Baker:

‘Tis the season for gingerbread and eating your favorite characters! $11.99 at Think Geek.

For the Fashionista:

Clarissa totally had the best fashion of the 90’s and now you can give the gift of fashion to a young girl in your life. This historical paper doll will teach America’s youth about the important historical character, Clarissa Darling, in a fun-filled and creative manner. $15 at sweetandlovely.

For the Board Game Fan: 

If you previously happened upon a list of boardgames based on TV Shows and were just dying to purchase one for your television obsessed, board-game fanatic friend, then look no further! $30 at Uncle Johns Band.

For the Art Lover:

We all know how our favorite diabetic babysitter struggles with the temptations of sweet treats. This amazing print is available for that friend who can’t let go of her favorite children’s books and also likes fine art prints. Unless I snatch it up myself first. $25 at daisychurch.

For the friend who likes to be cozy:

Kowabunga, dude! This is sure to make anyone the best dressed at the holiday sweater party. Give your loved one the gift that keeps on giving, warmth. $14.99 at Kohl’s.

For the Book Lover:
I’m listing two suggestions in this category because both options are so great that I just can’t decide which to pick.

I think you can guess what the first book is about, but let’s talk about Operation: Clean Sweep. I thought that this would have something to do with saving the beach since resident activist Jesse is featured on the cover. But you can’t judge a book by it’s cover. This is a book about risky behavior. It’s about teenagers dating con artists in Las Vegas. What? I’d like to invite you to read the full description below:

Screen Shot 2014-11-27 at 12.38.48 AM
I mean I guess it does kind of involve environmentalism…

You can get both Best Friend’s Gal and Operation: Clean Sweep for only $7.95 at Treasure Trove Books.

If you know someone who likes to read children’s books adapted from mediocre television series, but Saved by the Bell isn’t really here thing, then might I suggest another option. Full House Stephanie: Phone Call from a Flamingo, featuring the thrilling tagline “Are the flamingoes a cool club or bad news?” Once again, I am going to refer you to the back of the book for the ultimate authority on whether this gift is the right option for you. $1.50 at Retro Vintage Mart. Very special lessons undoubtedly abound.