humor

Home Improvement: Twas the Blight Before Christmas

~ theveryspecialblog ~ 4 Comments

his3-28Mark is signing The First Noel at church. He and the other kids have to wear robes with letters that spell out N-O-E-L. Mark is the N and he thinks his robe “looks geeky.” Meanwhile, Brad wants to skip-out on Christmas with his family, so he can go skiing with a friend from school. (Brad was always the shittiest kid in this family).

When it’s time to go to church and see Mark sing on Christmas Eve, Brad is too busy sulking to come along just because his mom wants “the whole stupid family” to spend Christmas together. (Literally. The shittiest.)

The family leaves Brad at home, rather than forcing him to come along and have him throw a fit all night. When Tim comes home to check on him, he finds Brad trying to sneak out of the house with his skis. He doesn’t want to miss out on the trip because there will be a lot of people there that he wants to hang out with.

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Clearly JTT is the good son in this family.

“Christmas is not about being with people you like. It’s about being with your family,” words of wisdom from Tim, the Tool Man, Taylor. But then things get real. Tim tells Brad that he’s not going to be a kid forever. One day he’ll have his own family and never make it home for Christmas, just like Tim and Jill never spend Christmas with their parents. Plus, Tim’s days are numbered since he lives dangerously on the set of Tool Time.

So finally it’s time for Mark’s big debut as the N. But the kids line up backwards, so it looks like they’re singing about some guy named Leon. Oh hey and do you recognize the kid playing the L? It’s Michelle Tanner’s friend Derek from Full House! Of course, Brad shows up mid-song and it’s a joyous occasion.

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Very Special Holiday Lesson: Don’t ditch your family on Christmas, even if there’s a cool trip involved.

The Golden Girls: Twas the Nightmare Before Christmas

~ theveryspecialblog ~ 6 Comments

Dorothy is being kind of a Scrooge, but for good reason. She’s not feeling the holiday spirit because everything is so commercialized and her wallet can’t handle it. (Ugh girl, I feel you.) Rose suggests that they all celebrate “St. Olaf Style,” which luckily does not involve herring or strange festivals this time, but rather involves everyone making gifts for one another.

Rose gives Dorothy a maple syrup spigot, very handy in Miami, and Blanche gives everyone a nudie calendar, entitled “The Men of Blanche’s Boudoir.” All of the girls are traveling this Christmas, so they exchange gifts early. The following morning they all plan to travel to the airport together after picking Rose up from work. (This is back in her days of working at a Crisis Center.)

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Dorothy and Blanche arrive to pickup Rose from her office while Sophia waits in the car. However, Rose is with a client so they have to sit in the waiting area. As they finally prepare to leave, a man in a Santa costume enters the office and holds them up at gun point. He doesn’t plan on robbing them though. He just doesn’t want to spend Christmas alone. 😦

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Omg he even brought presents for everyone. And theses ladies are like WAHHH WE’RE GOING TO MISS OUR FLIGHT. Chill, girls. You need to hang out with this poor guy who brought you all gifts.

Oh wait, Rose makes a pretty good point. They’re not entitled to give him a good Christmas. And he’s being pretty darn selfish.

After a while, Sophia gets tired of waiting in the car. She walks into the office and immediately spots the Santa’s gun as a toy. They all rush to the airport, hoping to make it in time to catch their flights. Miraculously, they do make it to their gates in time! And then everything is grounded for a weather delay.

They go to a diner and feel sorry for themselves. When the waiter/cook (he’s the only guy working at the diner) comments on what a nice family they are, they realize they’re very fortunate to have each other (and to not be spending Christmas alone like the Santa at the Crisis Center). They want to do something nice for the waiter/cook so they convince him to go home for an hour to be with his family while they watch the diner…uh okay…

If that wasn’t implausible enough, it suddenly begins to snow. In Miami. This hasn’t actually happened since 1977. Yeah, I looked it up.

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Very Special Holiday Lesson: Sometimes the best families are the ones you choose.

Cheers: The Spy Who Came In For A Cold One

~ theveryspecialblog ~ 2 Comments

the_spy_who_came_in_for_a_cold_oneA mysterious man arrives at Cheers on Christmas Eve. He reveals to Carla that he is a spy and she of course tells everyone in the Cheers crew. He’s quite taken with Carla, which flatters her to no end. As she brags to Diane about her new friend, Diane begins to poke holes in his story. He doesn’t know the right currency for Norway and misidentifies a city to Turkey as a city in Bulgaria.

Diane has to be right, of course, so she confronts the man. Sam tells her to chill out and stop ruining their good time. And in that moment, he explains the magic of Cheers (and why it’s exactly the place where you want everyone to know your name).

Of course, Diane just can’t let it go. She ends up humiliating the poor guy, who leaves the bar in such a pitiful way that she cannot help but feel utterly ashamed. After his departure, Diane quits Cheers. Carla is totally excited and tries to hurry her out the door. But Sam and Coach talk her into to sticking around and making this right. Diane decides to search the city until she finds him.

Luckily, she doesn’t have to look far. She barely has her coat on when he returns to explain his actions. He says he is just a lonely writer and makes up stories due to his loneliness. Diane, as we know, LOVES literature, so she urges him to share some of his writing. Since Diane is an acquaintance of an editor at The Atlantic, she decides to call him and share one of the man’s poems.

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Sam urges her not to make the call, stating that the man could have simply memorized a poem and passed it off as his own. But Diane doesn’t listen because of course she couldn’t possible be wrong about poetry. Maybe about determining who is and who is not a legitimate spy, but NOT about poetry.

Surprise! The poem turns out to be plagiarized. Everyone has a good laugh (except Diane) and Sam thanks the pathological liar for giving them good entertainment. He then explains he’s simply an eccentric millionaire and makes up stories for his own amusement. He offers to buy the bar from Sam. He even lets him name the price.

Everyone has a good laugh when this guy writes Sam a check for two million dollars. Diane doesn’t find any of this funny (she’s still pissed about being bested) so she rips up the check. As the check pieces fall to the floor, a footman enters the bar and lets the eccentric millionaire/pathological liar know that some important papers have arrived for him from Geneva and he’s got the car all ready to go.

I mean…I still think this guy could be full of crap and have another person playing along, but this sends Carla et all scrambling to pick up the pieces of the check. Sam’s not worried though because he didn’t really want to sell Cheers anyway.

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Very Special Christmas Lesson: Honestly, the only thing Christmas-y about this episode was the decorations. Plus, Carla and Diane worse some Christmas corsages. Maybe it’s a message of being kind to strangers? And also maybe not calling acquaintances at The Atlantic? Take from this what you will and be on your merry way.

The Fresh Prince of Bel-Air: Christmas Show

~ theveryspecialblog ~ 2 Comments

c9df4f74b38b4aa0d7c9f6e137bce254Will and his extended family are hitting the slopes for the holidays, which Will says is “for white guys named Sven and OJ Simpson” (because this was back when people thought OJ Simpson was delightful and hadn’t yet realized he is a colossal turd person). They’re all driving separately to the airport (omg please say this is going to turn into a Home Alone episode) and Uncle Carl hands out the tickets in advance.

Hilary is horrified to learn that the tickets are coach. I don’t know if any of you flew coach in 1991 (and granted my legs were a lot shorter back then) but I remember the seats being a LOT roomier. I shudder to think what Hilary would say if she got a coach class ticket these days. She’d probably opt to stay in Bel-Air and skip out on the ski trip all together.

The whole extended family goes skiing. Even Will’s mom join them. When they all meet up at the rental house (where sadly, Carl is left without a bedroom because of some kind of rental mixup) Will is horrified to learn that his mother has a boyfriend. She won’t share much info about the new relationship.

Later on, a man knocks on the door of their chalet and asks to use the phone. Carlton invites him in, but Will shuts the door in his face. Everyone tells Will he is being callous, but I get it. YOU DON’T KNOW WHO THESE PEOPLE ARE! Will says, “unless he is on a mule with a pregnant virgin he ain’t getting in here.” Aw, Christmas jokes, guys!

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Will gets out voted and they let the guy in. He doesn’t immediately kill them and because this is The Fresh Prince of Bel-Air and not Dateline he probably won’t. OH MY GOSH HE HOLDS THEM UP. DUDE PULLS OUT A GUN.

To all the haters who judge a healthy dose of paranoia, let this be a lesson to you.

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The thief take literally everything, including some toilet paper and a used pregnancy test. Uh. Okay. They better be sending the Special Victims Unit when the cops respond to this because what the actual f***(this is a family blog…well not really…).

With no gifts and no possessions, the family gives each other the present of their presences. They go around the table and say what they plan to do for their families and how these commitments will be their Christmas gifts. They plan to spend more time together, listen to each other more, and be more like the best qualities that they recognize in each other. Ugh, I’m tearing up. The holidays, dammit.

Then they all sing “Oh Holy Night.” It’s pretty. (Carlton wanted to sing a solo. They act like he cannot sing but Alfonso Ribeiro has a lovely voice. But they all sound great together too.)

Very Special Holiday Lesson: The best gifts are immaterial.

The Golden Girls and Puppets, Everything I’ve Ever Wanted

~ theveryspecialblog ~ 2 Comments

Time is of the essence, Very Special Readers! If you’re going to be in New York City, you must check out That Golden Girls Show before they close on December 31st!

img_0034So here’s the thing. I had originally planned on this post being longer, but then my neighbor’s smoke detector went off for 45 minutes. We have faulty smoke alarms in this building (uhhh not reassuring at all now that I’m typing that out…) and there have been many false alarms. So I was banging on his door and then running around the building, calling the emergency after hours number, going outside and across the street to see if the light was on in his apartment, as one does, etc, etc. I’m sure I look like a creep on the security footage because then I was feeling his door and doorknob and sniffing the air for smoke, looking at the hallway to see if it looked cloudy, saying curse words like F*** WHY DO WE NOT HAVE A SUPER?? By this time, I was pretty confident that there wasn’t a fire (but don’t follow my example because if any of you die while following my instructions, I will never forgive myself) and then I convinced myself that my neighbor must have died while cooking and now his dinner was burning in the pan.

Long story short, I eventually joined forces with another woman who ALSO heard the alarm. And we tracked down the apartment manager together. Meanwhile, my neighbor was alive and well at the grocery store. That bastard. I’m glad he isn’t dead.

Anyway, the smoke detector incident ruined the time I set aside to tell you all about That Golden Girls Show. And girl, I did my DUE DILIGENCE on this one. I sat in the audience and took notes on my playbill. But this put me at odds with my inner former theater student who did not want to be a rude audience member, but also I HAVE TO GIVE THE PEOPLE (YOU) THE DETAILS! And then I thought, “Will they see me taking notes in the show and think that I’m a critic?” The answer is probably not because I don’t think critics purchase second row seats in small theaters in Gramercy and then pay the extra money to have a photo taken with the cast and puppets after the show. I settled on taking notes over a Ralph Lauren ad for Bloomingdales during the blackouts.

img_0036Anyway, I also now cannot find my playbill, so I’ll keep this actual review brief. Michael Hull played Dorothy in pitch perfect sarcasm. But I’m a shit critic who loses her playbill, so unfortunately I can’t tell you the name of the understudy who played Sophia. She was delightful and adorable, though she didn’t quite nail the voice like the actress playing Blanche (omg it was PURRRRFECT). Cat Greenfield‘s Blanche sounded like Rue Mcclanahan’s voice reincarnated. I understand that is a creepy sentence, but honestly hearing what could have been Rue Mcclanahan’s vocal twin felt like a warm, reassuring hand reaching out to me from 1986 and saying, “hold on baby, there’s still hope in 2016.”

The show’s plot involves a get rich quick scheme, a circus of herrings, and more Stan than you may like. It’s a little light on the satire (until the end, which I will not spoil). But ultimately, that’s okay. You can tell the parody loves its source material, as all the best parodies do. The runtime is 90 minutes no intermission, though I felt like it could have been a tighter script if they did it in 60. However, the novelty of the puppets will keep you entertained during the script’s slower moments. It is certainly worth the ticket price for fans of the series, especially if you pay the extra cost for the photo. The cast was charming and the photo-op does elevate the experience. You’ll join them on the sofa for a family photo. The only way this could have been better is if they’d invited us out on the lanai afterwords. Act fast and you can make the photo your Christmas card.

Fuller House: Girl Talk

~ theveryspecialblog ~ 1 Comment

Well. You all knew I just couldn’t help myself.

I watched the first episode of Fuller House‘s second season. It was pretty good. The writing has definitely improved, but I’m still not sold on the original show’s supporting characters ability to legitimately carry a show on their own. But I will say that if you need some pop culture comfort food, you might enjoy “Welcome Back.” It’s completely inoffensive and mildly funny both of which disqualify it from having any place on this blog.

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The Season 2 Cast of Fuller House

So moving on to the moment we’ve all been waiting for, the aptly titled “Girl Talk.” The episode is number 7 of 13, squarely in the middle of the season like they wanted to make me watch a lot of crap before I got there. But this it the age of instant gratification and I’ve already waited 21 years for this freaking episode! Suffice it to say, I skipped right ahead to episode 7.

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The original Girl Talk at their only performance in 1995.

The band gets back together in a rather low-key way. Stephanie has written a song and she wants to play it with a full band. Being the successful musician that she is, she decides not to go with any of her connections in the music world, but rather to go with Kimmy Gibbler’s idea of letting Girl Talk take a crack at it. Since their original drummer is now playing in Beyonce’s backing band, they decide to let DJ join. (Apparently, she’s taught herself how to play drums from playing Rockband). Also, Gia IS back and like for some reason I mistook her for Kimmy’s daughter in the preview, so sorry about that. DISCLAIMER: This is not a fake news site, so let this post serve as a retraction from that section of the previous post on Fuller House’s Girl Talk. 

Anyway, DJ can only play the drums when she color codes them like in Rockband. She also has to say all of the colors as she plays. All of the members of the band probably suck too, but no one else can really think enough to play over DJ’s racket. Thus, we don’t really get to find out whether or not Girl Talk still has it. (But they never actually did have “it” so yeah).

Meanwhile, some stupid middle school boy is cyberbullying Kimmy’s daughter. (To be the parent of a child with a smartphone and apps has got to be one of the scariest things ever for a middle class white person.)

Gia and DJ talk about how they never liked each other. DJ thought Gia was a bad influence on Steph (she was) and Gia thought DJ was a dweeb (she so was not!). Also, I don’t remember there being THAT much tension between them. I feel like Gia didn’t care about DJ and DJ just thought of her as an unreliable friend for Steph but wasn’t like moralistically against her. I mean they were all kids. It’s not like DJ was a mom character in 1995 like they’re making her out to be.

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Keyboard player, Kimmy Gibbler, displays a Band-Tee that prominently features her face.

But Gia is a soccer mom now who walks for nine different charities! They actually get along until DJ won’t let Gia use her vape pen in the finished basement/rehearsal space. This causes the whole group to devolve into arguing, so Steph disbands them. Aw, kind of anticlimactic. We did get to hear them play their only song, a cover of Ace of Base’s “The Sign,” and it actually sounded pretty good this time. Even DJ finally figured out how to play her instrument without shouting out colors.

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Gia returns to the band, but clashes with new drummer, DJ.

Back to the cyberbullying, Kimmy’s daughter has largely recovered from the attack all by herself while the adults in her life played in a band. I usually don’t focus a lot on B-plots in these reviews but with the heavy weight of this subject matter and the “lessons” focus of this show, I’m surprised this wasn’t A and Girl Talk wasn’t B. (Don’t get me wrong, I’m happy for the return of Girl Talk as an A plot, but in that case the cyberbullying plot was best saved for another episode).

The original attack occurred after Ramona turned down a boy in her class. She told him she wasn’t interested in him and he released a video making fun of her, which went viral beacuse people are shit-heads. She mistakenly thought DJ’s oldest son, Jackson, posted it (for reasons which don’t make any sense other than to provide drama in the show) and only learned the truth after the original video poster showed up to confront her.

Confront her about what, you may ask? Well, it turns out that the this boy has also been the victim of cyberbullying. He’s a friend of Jackson’s and it turns out the Jackson decided to cyberbully his friend in order to teach him a lesson about why cyberbullying is wrong…

Hm…okay. Well, there’s a whole lot of mess going on here.

Ramona does have a good line here directed at the OCB (Original Cyber-Bullier), “Just because someone says no to you, it doesn’t give you the right to be a bully.

He says, “Okay, I’m sorry. I just said I’m sorry. I must really like you.” (Uh okay, jackass. I mean you couldn’t possibly be sorry just because you were wrong, could you?)

She says, “Well you have a funny way of showing it.”

Then Jackson’s crush kind of starts liking him because he “stood up” for Ramona by bullying another student to teach him a lesson about bullying Ramona.

THE END. The freaking end.

That 5 minute B plot exchange at the end of this episode feels horribly light for what actually happened in this episode. I mean here we have a boy who bullied a girl because she said no to him and then a kid who retaliated against bullying with MORE bullying. HOW ARE WE NOT TALKING ABOUT THIS???

What happened to both Ramona AND the OCB is horrible. And it unfortunately seems to be happening to kids more and more these days. I guess now I’m seeing what happens when something I feel SHOULD be a very special episode isn’t. I mean I make fun of Very Special Episodes but like hm….I guess it should come as no surprise that I would prefer a Very Special Episode on bullying to bulling-as-a-punchline. (Unless, we’re talking about everything Carla does on Cheers. Then it’s okay.)

On another note, I did only watch 2 episodes, but there were ZERO references to Stephanie being a DJ…so basically I’m taking this as further evidence that the Netflix Fuller House production team probably reads this blog and takes all of my advice.

I can only hope we haven’t seen the very last of Girl Talk, but I won’t hold my breath on another revival any time soon. In the meantime, stay tuned for some Very Special Holiday episodes starting on December 15th!

BREAKING NEWS: The Return of Girl Talk!

~ theveryspecialblog ~ 4 Comments

First of all, this isn’t actually breaking news to anyone who has been following Fuller House. But as you well know, I got burned badly by the first season and I’ve been bitterly avoiding the reboot ever since.

But curiosity got the best of me and I decided to watch the trailer for the second season. I rolled my eyes A LOT. Even more than usual.

The schmaltz factor is high: The New Radicals’s “You Get What You Give” plays over a montage of “feel-good” moments highlighting the show’s “exciting” new season while harkening back to its nostalgic roots–even though Full House was several season over by the time the trailer’s featured song charted, but I digress.

There it was roughly 1 minute 43 seconds and 6.5 eye-rolls in, shining like a beacon of hope to my one major and well-documented request for this reboot: Girl Talk. It looks like we’ll be hearing “The Sign” again soon, Very Special Readers. Maybe they’ll even finish the song this time.

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It looks like DJ has joined the group as drummer with Kimmy and Steph as the only original band members. While I’m sad that it doesn’t look like Gia will be reprising her role, I guess they had to let Kimmy’s kid have something to do on the show.

I do NOT want to get my hopes up…but I’m kind of looking forward to this episode…

A Very Special Holiday Season: Reader’s Choice!

~ theveryspecialblog ~ 3 Comments

Hi Very Special Readers!

The Very Special Holiday Season is upon us again and this year I wanted to try something a little different. I want YOU to pick the shows you’d like to read about this year! Please use the poll below to cast your votes.

Some things to note:
-You can for as for or as many or as few episodes as you would like
-You can vote as frequently as you would like*
-The 10 shows with the most votes will appear on The Very Special Blog from December 15th through December 24th

*I’m pulling results on December 10th at 12 pm CST, so if you vote after that then it won’t count. But up until that point feel free to vote incessantly for The Golden Girls [or any other show, I’m just fully expecting some of you to vote numerous times for The Golden Girls 🙂 ]

Today I am thankful for you!

~ theveryspecialblog ~ 3 Comments

Happy Thanksgiving, Very Special Readers! I slacked off this year and I didn’t post any Thanksgiving episodes. But it is still my very favorite holiday! 

It’s a holiday with troubling origins (to say the least) but I am thankful for the modern version of the day, which I think of as a moment to pause and reflect on the year with gratitude. 

This year has been difficult for many of us, personally and globally. But today I am thankful for the delicious home cooked meal that I didn’t have to prepare. (This is a win-win for people who also don’t want to eat anything I’ve cooked.) 

I am thankful that Thanksgiving is always on a work day and always makes us take a break in the middle of 24/7 digital chaos. 

I am thankful for the Murder, She Wrote marathon that I’m watching in my pjs with a mug full of hot tea that my mom prepared. (I have the best mom. Oh, you thought you had the best mom? Nope, sorry.) 

I am thankful for the rescue dog sitting next to me and thankful that he hasn’t bitten me. (I will continue to narrate all of my actions so I don’t scare him. This means that the dog has a lot of knowledge of my bathroom habits now that I tell him every time I have to get up to pee.) 

And I am thankful for YOU! I’m thankful that other people have watched as much crap tv as I have and like it enough to want to chat about it on the internet. I am thankful that you let me tell you about all of then silly pop culture things that I think are the best things ever OMG (stay tuned for some stuff on beer and puppets, by the way). And I am thankful that every time I feel swamped, bored, or bummed out, I get to read your comments. I hope I make you laugh and I hope you know you make me laugh too!