Sabrina, the Teenage Witch: Love Means Having to Say You’re Sorry

November 25, 2015November 22, 2015 ~ theveryspecialblog ~ 1 Comment

Harvey and Sabrina are on the rocks (she kissed Josh from the coffee shop) so she’s not going to be able to spend Thanksgiving at his house this year. Since they are broken up, Harvey suggests that they return all of the stuff that they’ve accrued from each other over the years.

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Salem is surprisingly upset about all of this. He sobs while Sabrina combs through her stuff looking for things that belong to Harvey. (He was expecting to be Harvey’s best man at Harvey & Sabrina’s wedding.) When Hilda and Zelda see the awful sad-fest going on in their home, they decide to prepare a Thanksgiving meal (a holiday witches do not celebrate) for Sabrina.

But the next day at school, Dreama (geez, did Sabrina have a different friend literally every school year?) notices that Harvey saved a framed picture of Sabrina and is keeping it in his locker. Meanwhile, Zelda and Hilda are freaking about about having to stuff a turkey. I don’t blame them. It’s horrifying.

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(FYI witches have to prepare Thanksgiving meals by hand, as they are discouraged from celebrating Thanksgiving.) But they find a loophole. They conjure up some pilgrims to cook for them!

Sabrina’s decided to try a “forgive and forget” spell to get back with Harvey. But he literally forgets everything–who she is and who he is. So she tries a series of other spells based on cliche phrases. They all backfire horribly.

Having discovered that Hilda and Zelda are witches, the pilgrims tie them up and try to burn them at the stake. But they’re witches, so they quickly get out of that mess. Realizing that they do not have the upper-hand hear, the pilgrims agree to cook dinner in exchange for safe passage home.

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Sabrina finally figures out that the best way to fix her relationship with Harvey is to go back and time and stop herself from ever kissing Josh. But when she tries that and she and Harvey still are broken up, her aunts tell her that this means her break-up was “meant to be.”

But then they run into each other in the hallway and Sabrina apologizes for bumping into Harvey. And then they end up apologizing to each other for like hours about everything that went wrong in their relationship.

Very Special Thanksgiving Lesson: In case you didn’t notice, this “apologizing” thing is what Harvey and Sabrina needed to do in the first place.

The Brady Bunch: The Un-Underground Movie

November 24, 2015November 22, 2015 ~ theveryspecialblog ~ 3 Comments

Greg is making a movie about the Pilgrims for his history class. Pretty soon all of the adults in his house take over writing the screenplay. Greg’s pretty pissed about it and I guess fails to see that he’s getting away with not doing his homework and also not getting in trouble.

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It’s only a matter of time before the entire production is out of Greg’s hand. Carol wants to dress all of the girls in color because of the color film, even though Greg insists that pilgrims only wore black and white. All of his sisters demand the same part and say they won’t be in the movie unless they’re cast as the lead “Priscilla.” Bobby and Peter are pissed that they’re forced to play pilgrims, when they would much rather play racially stereotyped braves.

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Greg kind of freaks out but like in a really Brady-fashion. And his awesome parents are completely understanding. They’re not even mad that he got mad because they realize they were being jerks. This concludes our instructional video on how to have a healthy fight with your family.

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Also, Greg casts Jan as the lead just like he always wanted to. (Ha, Marcia.) Then Mike has to explain to Peter and Bobby that the pilgrims stole all of the Indians land and you can tell he feels a little awkward about it. It’s 1970 now so things are about to start getting really guilty for the white folks.

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Anyway, they finally get the movie done and Greg puts everything in slow-motion. So it’s basically a pantomime. And it’s basically the greatest film ever made, as far as I’m concerned. Like Florence Henderson really missed her calling at a 1920’s dramatic actress.

Very Special Thanksgiving Lesson: Don’t boss your kid around, but do let him boss the rest of the family around.

WKRP in Cincinnati: Turkeys Away

November 23, 2015November 22, 2015 ~ theveryspecialblog ~ 4 Comments

mv5bodyxnjkzntq4ml5bml5banbnxkftztywndyzmti2-_v1_sx640_sy720_ Mr. Carlson, WKRP’s station manager, has been bugging everyone around the station because he’s looking to be “more involved.” There’s nothing more annoying than an insecure boss–well except maybe an insecure boss with a Thanksgiving project.

Mr. Carlson keeps all of the details very hush hush, so all that the station team knows is that the project has something to do with giving away a bunch of turkeys. News anchor, Les Nessman, calls this “the greatest Turkey event in Thanksgiving Day history.”

Soon a helicopter appears over head and Les Nessman assumes that is is looking for a place to land. But then something falls out of the back of the helicopter. And what follows is a Turkey Hindenburg-esque Disaster:

Oh and the humane society is pretty pissed.

Very Special Thanksgiving Lesson: Some turkeys actually can fly. But not usually the plump ones we eat for Thanksgiving. And probably not any turkeys that are dropped over a parking lot by a radio station’s helicopter.

It’s beginning to look a lot like Thanksgiving

November 22, 2015November 21, 2015 ~ theveryspecialblog ~ 1 Comment

I know we Americans tend to skip this holiday more and more each year, but this year in particular it kind of took me by surprise–the holiday skipping, that is.

On my drive to work Friday, my radio station played it’s usual morning variety. But when I drove home, a mere 9 hours later, it was ALL Christmas music. It was like someone flipped the switch somewhere in middle of the day and whoops, it’s Christmastime!

My boyfriend tried to explain that the shocking jump from Halloween to Christmas these days is all about decorations. I insisted, “I LOVE THANKSGIVING DECORATIONS!” And he said, “You do? Really? What Thanksgiving decorations do you love?” And I said “I love GOURDS!”

But the truth is, there are no gourds decorating my home. And all I can offer you in the hopes of remembering this time of thanks and giving is a memorial to episodes from the past. Here is this year’s lineup:

WKRP in Cincinnati: Turkey’s Away
The Brady Bunch: The Un-Underground Movie
Sabrina, the Teenage Witch: Love Means Having to Say You’re Sorry
Home Improvement: The Wood, the Bad and the Hungry

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Sister, Sister: Slime Party

November 21, 2015November 21, 2015 ~ theveryspecialblog ~ Leave a comment

Tia and Tamera get to be contestants on a quiz show. Tia’s basically a triva genius so they think they have this in the bag. But what they don’t realize is they’re facing off against Mary-Kate & Ashley Olsen. That’s right. This is the most 90’s thing every and will probably make your brain explode.

But since this is Sister, Sister only Mary-Kate & Ashley are famous and Tia & Tamera are just two girls from the suburbs of Detroit. Also, they make Mary-Kate say “You Got it Dude,”poor thing.

But then Tia gets major stage-fright. She cannot even say her name when it’s time to introduce herself on the show. Mary-Kate just kills it. She gets all of the answers right. Tamera has to squeeze fresh orange juice with her butt because she and Tia lost the round. This continues on for a painful amount of time. With every round that Tia chokes, something gross happens to Tamera.

At the break, Tia and Tamera decide to switch so that Tia can get slimed for a while. But the category turns out to be trivia about Coolio, and Tamera knows every single answer.

So then Mary-Kate and Ashley are supposed to both get slimed because they’re the losers. But Tia and Tamera feel bad and try to push them out of the way, so they all end up getting slimed.

Very Special Lesson: In this episode, Mary-Kate was definitely the cute one and Ashley was her sister.

P.S. Tia & Tamera used to babysit MK&A in real life.

250 Posts!

November 20, 2015November 20, 2015 ~ theveryspecialblog ~ Leave a comment

This is my 250th post on The Very Special Blog! To commemorate this momentous occasion, I thought I would share some of my favorite posts. And what I discovered is that my favorite posts are basically the ones you commented the most on. Turns out I like talking to you people!

So here are some of “our” favorites posts:

The time that Marcia broke her nose and I thoroughly enjoyed her downfall:

When we collectively coveted the outfits from Teen Witch:

Screen Shot 2015-04-06 at 9.29.00 PM — This outfit is so cool it will make you not mind catcalls

When Johnny Depp accepted his first case on 21 Jump Street:

When we all laughed because “Alice” got addicted to all of the drugs ever on the planet, even the ones that aren’t addictive:

That time Roseanne and Family Matters were pitted against each other in a take-no-prisoners Disney World episode showdown:

When very special episodes move me to tears:

And yes, that time someone finally had sex on The Facts of Life:

Murder, She Wrote: Incident in Lot #7

November 19, 2015November 19, 2015 ~ theveryspecialblog ~ 4 Comments

One of Jessica’s books is being made into a movie, so she gets to hang out on the Universal lot. The screenwriter is trying to change some essential parts of the book. For example, he wants to make a different character the killer in the movie because “who is going to pay $5 to go see the movie? They already know the ending!”

Then we see Dr. Klopek from The Burbs sneaking onto the studio lot by jumping into the back of an open truck filled with plants. And then Jessica gets a tour of the studio lot, specifically visiting The Bates Motel from Psycho. Why yes, this is the most random episode ever.

6515-2650 Jessica meets up with her director at a restaurant and the creepy guy from The Burbs is spying on them. Then Jessica decides to look around The Bates Motel and finds the director’s dead body there. She claims to have seen someone through one of the windows and that this person probably “slipped out” after she entered the house.

Anyway, Jessica accuses some guy of being the last person to see the dead guy alive. And he points out that Jessica saw him at the exactly same time, so they were both the last to see him alive. YEP, she’s suspicious folks. That’s what I’ve been trying to say this entire time!

Suddenly, the creepy guy from The Burbs appears again. He’s at the production office this time and wants to see the lead actress in Jessica’s movie, but she’s not there…so he just leaves again. Meanwhile, Jessica rushes back to her hotel to see if her crime has made the news. She’s disappointed to find out that she didn’t make it in time, so she decides to cheer herself up by watching Psycho.

b9af30098678c7d19c57180b715005be1 But that insufferable screenwriter interrupts her. And he also tells her some juicy dirt on the lead actress. So she goes to interrogate the lead actress over at the production office. When Jessica steps out to take a call, the creepy guy from The Burbs pops out of nowhere and pulls a gun on the lead actress. It’s obvious that he’s one of those stalker-types.

Jessica comes back from the phone and saves her buy pushing one of those rolling chairs into the back of the creep’s knees. Also, it turns out that the guy was just a prop gun from the lead actress’s first movie. He also admits to having seen Jessica over by The Bates House. He’s even spent the night in it, kind of making it his studio lodging during his stalking spree.

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Then he says that the house talked to him. So like he’s really not a credible witness, which sucks because he’s probably the only eye witness to Jessica Fletcher’s murderous ways. In order to “solve the case,” Jessica returns to The Bates Motel.

She starts up the stairs and I think we’re supposed to be worried that Norman Bates is going to jump out and stab her. But I’m not concerned She’s the only killer in this show. She heads over to the room where Janet Leigh was murdered and turns on the water in the shower because that’s normal and all.

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This dude named Willie comes up behind her. (He was the other last person to see the dead guy alive.) She accuses him of murdering the dead guy because he didn’t sign a new contract with him. This is based upon some blue papers and a glum look on Willie’s face when she saw them at the restaurant. She then shows him the blue papers (where did she get those??) and claims she can tell that the signature is a forgery.

He admits to the forgery and claims he’s sill innocent of murder. She then presents her “damning” evidence. He slipped in the dead guy’s blood on the way out of the house and had to wash it off in the motel bathroom. She’s confident that they’ll find his fingerprints everywhere.

Uh, where Jessica? In the shower that you just turned on? On the set in which you literally manhandled everything? Also, why is there still a source of water turned on for the Psycho shower?? So then Willie is like wahhh okay it was an accident. He hurt my feelingssss. And Jessica is all like yes, yes you’re horrible.

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But here’s what really happened: Jessica obviously killed that guy. She was frustrated with the way that Hollywood was destroying her book. And we all know that our favorite little psycho likes to get her kicks by killing people and then solving their murders. The only question was who would be her victim. The obvious choice was that annoying screenwriter, but no, it would have been too obvious. So she waited for the prime opportunity–a business dispute between two long-time partners. She chose Willie to pin it on because he was the more emotional and bumbling one of the pair. She knew he’d get ticked off and probably try to knock the director out cold, which he did. But he didn’t kill him. No, Jessica kept stalking the Psycho house because it was the perfect crime scene. Plenty of places to spy and keep an eye on things. When Willie fled, she seized the moment to finish the director off and frame Willie. Then she proceeded to make it really obvious that she wanted to tour the house and then investigate it. She smeared her fingerprints everywhere, all under the guise of “investigation” thus destroying the integrity of any evidence. Only the lead actress’s stalker could have exposed her plot, but he was a total nut so no one would believe him anyway. J.B. Fletcher gets away with it again. But by this point it’s been eight years of this crap and no one is asking any questions.

Also, what’s going on here? Pretty sure I need to review this one next:
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Very Special Movie: Death of a Cheerleader

November 18, 2015November 18, 2015 ~ theveryspecialblog ~ Leave a comment

First of all, this is based on a true story and while I’m sure that the actual events were tragic–I’d like to completely forget that this has any element of reality so that we can all laugh with abandon at Tori Spelling in this harrowing role of doomed-cheerleader. Also, Wikipedia tells me that this was the highest rated TV-Move of 1994.

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This movie starts with Tori Spelling sweetly asking to use a phone at some random suburban home because her “friend got a little weird.” When no one answers at her house, the man from the suburban home drives her to her house. When Tori’s parents aren’t home, she decides to go next door. The random man whose car she’s gotten into is all like “I’ll wait until you get inside.” He watches her through the rearview mirror. When she’s out of sight, he turns to look through the back windshield. That’s when he sees an altercation between Kellie Martin (from The Face on the Milk Carton–another classic) and Tori Spelling. Then Kellie Martin stabs her to death. See, this is why you always drive people all the way to the door. You can’t do much good watching someone through a rearview mirror.

Then we flash back to a happier time. But just a heads up you’re about to hate Tori Spelling’s guts and totally fall in love with her friendly murderer. And if you’re anything like me at fifteen (when I first caught this movie on Lifetime) you’re going to have a total crisis of conscience and feel like a horrible person for sympathizing with a murderer because this is a TRUE story, right??? But like ultimately this is a Lifetime movie and not a documentary, so try not to have a crisis of conscience over it.

Anyway, Tori Spelling is the Queen Bee of the 10th grade. And Kellie Martin is cute and friendly and really wants to be popular and “the best.” It’s pretty obvious almost immediately that Tori Spelling is a colossal bitch, who just tortures people emotionally for no reason. But Kellie Martin still wants to hang out with her because she is “cool.” So really like Kellie Martin probably sucks too. Much to Kellie’s chagrin, Tori thinks she’s “weird.” 5410146838_f0aedae755

Anyway, the cool thing at this high school is to be a Meadow Lark. The Meadow Larks are a service club. You have to like be selected for this club and then you have to be initiated. It’s a freaking sorority. Anyway, Kellie and Tori are both selected to pledge the Larks.

Then they both try out for cheerleading. Being a cheerleader here is an even bigger deal than being a cheerleader in your average school. There are four new cheerleaders selected at the end of the school year to replace the graduating seniors. They winners all announced at an assembly and then they get to come up on stage and receive flowers. Barf. Tori makes the squad but Kellie does not.

So then she shirks her morals and gets drunk with her friend Jill. Jill invites her to a party with this guy she knows. Kellie decides to invite Tori to the party so that Tori will be her friend. Actually, that’s pretty awful and social-climb-y. I think Kellie and Tori BOTH suck and I was just like feeling bad for Kellie being socially awkward back when I was fifteen.

Omg this is turning into a 2000 word essay, but stick with me! So Kellie calls Tori’s house when Tori is at cheerleading camp. Kellie says that they’re having a surprise dinner for all of the Larks and to have Tori be read at 9 pm for her to pick her up. (She doesn’t say who she is.) So Tori meets up with Kellie but doesn’t really expect to see her.

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Oh yeah, there’s a knife in the car because sometimes Kellie’s sister “makes lunch in the car” ?? What?? And it’s like a no-joke knife/the future murder weapon. So then Tori presses Kellie about the party and finds out that Kellie was not directly invited. Then Tori is all like I REFUSE TO CRASH A PARTY. And Kellie is like WHY ARE YOU SO MEAN? And then Kellie goes all Single White Female and is like obsessing over how pretty Tori is and how cool she is. So yeah. They’re both horrifying.

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So then Kellie kills Tori to essentially protect her rep. Like wtf. This is some freaking gang violence shit right here. She’s got to keep up that street cred. But honestly, this is horrifying. Unlike fifteen year-old in a terror-shock combo, I’m twenty-five and sipping my hot cocoa while giving both Kellie and Tori major side-eye.

Anyway, the cops have a few good leads. First, there was that call to Tori’s house about the Larks. Secondly, they have eye witness accounts of the car that Kellie was driving. But mostly, no one has suspected Kellie because she’s so “sweet.” Everyone thinks it was this girl at school who is kind of gothic. Meanwhile, Kellie really, really guilt-ridden. So she’s been getting more involved in the community. And then like she kind of starts getting popular. She’s elected to a leadership position in the Larks and she gets asked out on a date.
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Kellie takes a polygraph and she fails. So then the police really start zeroing in on her. Uncle Phil from Fresh Prince reads her the psychological profile of the killer and it’s basically her exactly. Also, like what is up with them questioning minors without parents present?? I know in this case that this person is actually a killer but still.

So then Kellie finally decides to confess by writing her mother a note. In the letter she feels like really awful and she asks her parents to still love her and to come meet her at the school so she can turn herself in. So like that’s actually really heart-wrenching and I’m sorry that I forgot this movie is actually really depressing. But I’ve written so much that I’m going to publish this anyway. But please remember that Tori Spelling was ridiculous and funny in this movie. And please, is this not a campy promo photo?

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Very Special Lesson: Omg there are so many lessons here: Don’t hang out with Tori Spelling in high school unless that high school is West Beverly High School. Oh also, if someone is really really mean to you, then don’t hang out with them. Don’t try to make that person your friend or spend anymore time with them than you have to. It won’t work and you will end up bat-shit crazy. Also, don’t make lunch in your car, especially not with sharp knives.

The Best Epistolary Chick Lit

November 17, 2015May 6, 2017 ~ theveryspecialblog ~ 3 Comments

When I’m not nit-picking hard-hitting, emotional, life-lessons from sitcoms, I like to read books.

A few months ago, I wrote about my totally ecstatic reception of the first Princess Diaries book for adults. This is not exclusively due to the fact that I love the protagonist and her weird behavior, but also because my childhood spoiled me with epistolary novels and the adult world is sadly devoid of them! I started with the Dear America series and then forayed into the classics: P.S. Longer Letter Later and Absolutely Normal Chaos. The Princess Diaries and Confessions of Georgia Nicholson series basically ruled my middle school life. Then there were of course the countless other books I devoured and have since forgotten. But basically, if the book was written in a diary, series of letters, or newspaper clipping format (or better yet, all of the above!) then I read it immediately and desperately searched for my next fix.

But then I grew up and no one wanted to let me read fun books of letters anymore. So I’ve decided to compile a list of the best epistolary chick lit I’ve managed to find. (If it’s a serious book, then I don’t want to read it in the form of notes between friends, so that’s why this is specifically geared toward chick let. But hey, The Very Special Blog does not want to be gender normative, so go ahead and partake of this list as well, gentlemen):

Attachments by Rainbow Rowell
I loved this because it like really innocently fulfilled all of my Harriet-the-Spy dreams. It’s the turn of the millennium and this kind of glum-fellow takes a job reading a newspaper employee’s flagged emails. So basically he’s reading a lot of silly/crass emails that have nothing to do with work and then he like kind of gets inspired by those emails to…well I’m not going to spoil this for you.

Daisy Fay and The Miracle Man by Fannie Flagg
Daisy Fay is a precocious 12 year-old when she starts her diary, and she basically just writes about the weird things that happen in her family. Her family is REALLY strange, so it’s a very fun read.

Where’d Ya Go, Bernadette? by Maria Semple
While this book isn’t entirely written in the epistolary style, in my opinion the best parts are. I loved reading Bernadette’s messages to her outsourced “personal assistant” and all of her husband’s bitchy admin’s emails. I just like really really really want there to be a sequel to this book.

The Boy Next Door by Meg Cabot
Honestly, this one is kind of boring in places but I was really illin’ for some epistolary reading when I picked it up. Meg Cabot is definitely funnier in The Princess Diaries, but she’s pretty funny here too.

Notably absent: Bridget Jones’s Diary–I could not get through this book. I loved the movies, but the writing drove me nuts! Bridget’s thoughts are far easier for me to comprehend when spoken by Renee Zellwegger.

Growing Pains: Mike’s Madonna Story

November 16, 2015April 10, 2016 ~ theveryspecialblog ~ Leave a comment

I looked at my stats and my most popular post ever is The Facts of Life: The First Time. So in honor of all of you being perverts, I’ve decided to cover another episode about virginity loss.

Before, Kirk Cameron was an evangelical Christian, he was just a teenage actor who played a character who contemplated losing his virginity to a girl (Dana Plato, may she rest in peace) who dresses exactly like Madonna (this episode aired the same year Like A Virgin was released).
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This “Madonna girl” is named Lisa and she just broke up with her twenty-seven year old boyfriend. She calls Maggie “Maggie” instead of Mrs. Seaver, and Carol slut shames her for wearing a lace top. Then Maggie calls her a tramp for dating a twenty-seven year old instead of a fifteen year old–someone her own age. Good Lord, how far we’ve come in 30 years. I feel like at least now this episode would focus on like calling the police on the statutory rapist and improving that girl’s self-esteem, while also keeping Mike safely away from her because she is “troubled.”
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Lisa invites Mike on a date, but Mike has to babysit Ben & Carol…uh, isn’t Carol like 1 year younger than Mike and like 22 years more mature?? Oh well, since Mike has to babysit then Lisa agrees to hang out at the Seaver house with him.

Maggie gets all freaked out and wants to stay home instead of going out to dinner with Jason and friends. Jason tries to reassure her that they have raised Mike right and even if they haven’t, there’s not much she can do to stop him from having a good time with the ladies. Feeling marginally better, Maggie agrees to go out to dinner. And that’s when Lisa shows up in the full-on wedding dress from “Like a Virgin.”
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Lisa gets Mike to give her a tour of the house and then she only wants to hang out in the guest bedroom. So then Dana Plato tries to seduce Kirk Cameron, which is kind of funny in retrospect. Realizing that he’s in way over his head Mike tries the following diversions following this kiss:
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Saying, “So how bout that Social Studies test?”
Riding his parents stationary bike while claiming, very unconvincingly, not to be a virgin.
And then we don’t get to see anything else because the camera zooms in on a picture of Maggie holding baby Mike.

So then Maggie and Jason come home and Mike’s all in a funk. Maggie tries to nonchalantly ask how things went with Lisa, but Mike sees through her rouse and yells at her that nothing happened. He feels like a loser, but it turns out that he doesn’t really like Lisa that much. Like they basically just like each other in the sense that they would both be sad if the other got hit by a truck. And Maggie tells him that he shouldn’t feel bad about “wimping out” on “sharing something very special with someone whose face you wouldn’t want to see on the grill of an eighteen wheeler.”

Also, the B plot of this episode is that Ben kills Carol’s plant by accident. Not your finest work, Growing Pains.

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And then then episode ends with Mike riding the stationary bike in the guest room so like I don’t know if we’re supposed to read into that at all or not, but yeah.

Very Special Lesson: Don’t lose your virginity to someone who you only wouldn’t want to see hit by a truck. But also, don’t lose your virginity to someone who you would want to see hit by a truck. And for followers of present-day Kirk Cameron, don’t lose your virginity.