The Only Interesting Moments in Fuller House

Don’t watch this. I know I said that I would review al of the episodes, but I can’t. I played it in the background while I did other things. Doing my dishes and catching up on data entry for work were far, far more interesting than paying full-attention to this show.

But there were a few bright spots and I’ll list them all below. You can just read this list and it will be like you actually watched the show because, outside of this list, nothing happened:

      1. DJ became a Mexican Wrestling Champion
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      2. Stephanie gave Danny a sports coat that matched the couch’s upholstery because he is weirdly obsessed with the couch.
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      3. Stephanie can’t have kids. This was a weirdly dramatic moment in a show that is otherwise full of corny jokes. Jodie Sweetin and Candace Cameron Bure did a fine job with the scene, but it felt so out of place with the tone of the rest of the series.
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      4. DJ got a cute new boyfriend. He’s another veterinarian at her practice.
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      5. Harry Takayama guest starred and Stephanie wanted to date him, but then he turned out to be engaged.
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      6. Stephanie dated Hunter Pence from the SF Giants. But she was a jinx. He couldn’t get a hit until she broke up with him (under duress) as the crowd boo-ed her as she attempted to sing “Take Me Out to the Ball Game” during the 7th-inning stretch.
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      7. DJ made out with Steve while dating the cute new guy (which makes no sense because Steve is now a creep and cute new guy is cool). But then Steve was at the Giants game (the same one where the crowd boo-ed Stephanie) and saw DJ kiss the cute new guy on the kiss cam. He freaked out. Cute guy was similarly not pleased.
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      8. There is a cute moment with Steve, Cute Guy, DJ, Kimmy, and Stephanie comenting on a flash back of Steve and DJ at the prom. But it’s like they’re all imagining the flashback as Steve tells the story. I thought that was kinda cute. I love when storytelling mediums mix!
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      9. Steve and the cute new guy kiss. It’s really dumb and an accident but the studio audience loved it. Like there was some serious cheering over the laugh track.
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      10. Everyone does a perfectly choreographed Bollywood dance.
      11. Steve and DJ dress up like their 90’s selves and pretend that they’re Patrick Swayze and Demi Moore in Ghost, except they’re making hamburger patties instead of pottery…it’s every bit as weird as it sounds.
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      12. Joey officiates Becky and Jesse’s vow renewal on inline skates, wearing a hockey jersey, and a holding a hockey stick.
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      13. Jesse hit Mr. Woodchuck over the head with a hockey stick.
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      14. DJ didn’t chose between Scott or cute new guy. And they both seemed okay with it.
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I feel like there will probably not be a season two of Fuller House…but if there is and they FINALLY revive “Girl Talk,” I will cover it. Otherwise, I will most like steer clear.

Fuller House: Moving Day and Funner House

ep2In this episode, DJ promises Kimmy’s daughter that she can have her own room, forcing Jackson to move-in with his little brother–kind of like DJ and Stephanie moving in together once Jesse moved in.

Speaking of Jesse, John Stamos shows up and over hears Stephanie giving Jackson an “inspirational” talk. While he’s busy telling her what an amazing job she did with teaching the kid a valuable lesson, Jackson sneaks down the stairs (presumably to run away where he can live alone). As it turns out, Jackson sneaks into the backseat of Jesse’s LA-bound car.stamos

Meanwhile, Stephanie and Kimmy don’t realize that they’ve lost a kid. (DJ has left them in charge while she takes care of a veterinarian emergency.) She comes home after getting a text from Jackson–Jesse discovered him in the car and no-doubt forced him to text his mom. And she’s all ticked off and calls a family meeting. And then they like decide to get along? I don’t know…this was literally the entire episode and I’m not really sure what the point was. This show is so, so bad. It makes Full House seem like cutting-edge comedy.

Very Special Lesson (according to DJ): Respect, Compromise, and Honesty.

Best Joke/Only Kind-Of Good Joke: “I changed so many of Michelle’s diapers, I feel like there were two of her.”

So in a Very Special Blog first, I’m combining two episodes into one post because “Moving Day” was the most boring thing on Earth. So this is “Funner House” and let’s hope that it lives up to that title:
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Also, this is my last episode unless things get much better immediately. I know I said I would review all of these, but I am not a masochist. It’s fun to review things that are ridiculous, but I’m not down to talk about something that’s just plain boring.

Anyway, it is “girls night” so Kimmy, Stephanie and DJ go to a club, where they pick up Val and Maks Chmerkovskiy from Dancing with the Stars and decide to do some tequila shots. This is something that would not have happened on Full House and I’m interested to see how this plays out.

Then Macy Gray shows up! Where has she been? I missed her. This was my jam in 2000:

Apparently, Stephanie and Macy are like BEST friends. Um, but they only talk for 30 seconds. Wait, did Macy Gray literally just make a cameo on Fuller House?
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In some kind of attempt to make Kimmy’s ex jealous (oh yeah, he’s at the club by the way), Stephanie and Macy Gray sing “Time of My Life” from Dirty Dancing while Kimmy and DJ dance kind of like Romy and Michele. It’s actually quite adorable and not nearly as awkward as whatever this was:

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Also, if that’s really Jodie Sweetin singing, then we need to give Stephanie Tanner way more screen time. I’d rather hear her sing for 3 minutes each episode and not have to listen to as many stupid jokes.

Finally, Kimmy & DJ and Kimmy’s-Ex & His Lady Friend are the only couples left in the dance-battle. It all comes down to the final lift. Luckily, Val and Maks are there to jump in when DJ obviously cannot catch Kimmy. And it’s a perfect landing.

Best Joke: Kimmy’s Ex-Husband (to DJ while dancing)- “You’re way out of your league.”
DJ: “For your information, I’m in a league. A bowling league.”

Okay, this still sucks but it was definitely watchable. I legit enjoyed whatever that weird dance was. If you’re looking for the nostalgia factor then watch 1 and 3 and definitely don’t waste any time at all on episode 2.

P.S. The B-plot of this episode was Joey and the three kids having a full on silly string and slime war. So actually, I don’t think I hate Joey. But I do hate that woodchuck.

Fuller House: Our Very First Show, Again

24920113It’s been 29 years and 90 seconds into this show and I still want to punch Joey in the face. He’s wearing a onesy and already doing some kind of weird voice that is somewhat reminiscent of the wood chuck. Or is the wood chuck? I don’t know.

We see all of the original adults first before we meet the “new adults” (a.k.a. the “old kids”). Here’s what they are up to:
-Joey is doing absolutely nothing (okay actually he’s doing comedy at the Venetian and “kicking Carrot Top’s butt.” Great. Now, I hate Joey even more because Carrot Top is one of my biggest fears, we’re talking actual NIGHTMARES that this dude has haunted in my life. And Joey has just reminded me all over again!)
-Rebecca and Danny are about to start hosting a nationally syndicated morning talk show in LA
-Jesse is going to be in charge of music for General Hospital (hah John Stamos on General Hospital hahaha so clever. Gag me with a spoon.)

Then DJ and Stephanie start taking over the show and want to know where Michelle is. Their dad says she’s too busy running her fashion empire and then everyone stares down the camera. Talk about an incredibly weird way to break the fourth-wall. It’s so awkward.

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So here’s what the new adults are up to:
-DJ Tanner is a veterinarian
-Stephanie is a musician (called it). Actually, she’s a dj called “DJ Tanner.” Uh, okay.
-Kimmy is really weird and I’m not really sure what her job is but she’s like talking about not having ever dropped acid but having once taken an antacid…what? I don’t know but she’s actually for once less annoying than Stephanie who will NOT stop doing a really terrible fake British accent for what, I believe, is meant to be comedy.

Then Kimmy Gibbler puts her feet on the table and Steph says, “How rude!” I’d like to give her props for very naturally making a catch phrase happen again after 20 years, but mostly I’m just realized that this has “snapped” her out of her British accent. (So apparently it wasn’t “fake” and she was stuck in it because of all her her time spent in England…omg…)

The best part of this show is the credits. Carly Rae Jepsen is amazing AS ALWAYS! And the opening credits for the new leads are super adorable. The opening credits for the old leads are split screen shots of them doing exactly what they did 20 years ago in the opening credits, next to the original opening credits from 20 years ago. So basically you get to see how much Lori Loughlin and John Stamos have not aged at all–Bob Saget and Dave Coulier…well they look a bit different…

Anyway, everyone goes to the party that DJ Tanner (Stephanie) is dj-ing it, except for Joey. He needs to prove his usefulness, so he stays home with infant Tommy.

OMG IT’S THAT DAMN WOODCHUCK. He stayed home so he could play with that damn woodchuck! Also, is that a wedding band on Joey’s finger? Someone married that dude? Hm…

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Tommy is now sobbing because the woodchuck is terrifying. I mean, your instincts are dead on, kid. I too think this is horrible, and even more so if I was an infant with a 55 year old man I barely knew crouched by my crib with a GIANT puppet and using a creepy-voice-from-hell to make the woodchuck “talk.”

Oh wait…the party is in the living room? So yeah, everyone gets to go to the party. Once Joey is done terrifying the baby, even he goes to the party. Kimmy’s ex-husband stops by to drop of their child (Ramona). He’s pretty hot and still really into Kimmy and no one can understand why. Apparently, she’s really good in bed. Well, good for her. It’s high time that Kimmy Gibbler found her niche.

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Steph plays New Kids on the Block and all of the girls get excited before they even know what song it is. Luckily, it’s “The Right Stuff”–the only New Kids song worth getting excited about. But then they stop it after 30 seconds, so I guess this show couldn’t afford the full royalties and had to settle for the public use sample.

DJ’s ex boyfriend shows up and tells THE RECENT WIDOW that he’s ready to start dating again whenever she’s ready??????? He says it nicely but this is so madly inappropriate. But he does explain how they get their new puppy. Apparently, he’s the owner of a pregnant Comet Jr, jr.

I know I called this too, but I didn’t think it would happen quite so soon.
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Jesse and Becky’s kids are kind of cute now. And they’re not trying to force them in front of the camera now that they’re adults, so I don’t really hate them anymore.

Then they all make Jesse sing “Forever” and the entire party sings backup in perfect harmony. But then Bob Saget takes over and sings “Wild Thing,” which is actually the funniest thing to happen on Fuller House to date. (I should mention that it’s not that funny, but luckily this is only the first episode).

When DJ is giving Steve all of the leftover food from the party, he takes this as another opportunity to mention that they should be together. He even (badly) sings “Forever” to her and says he should have asked her to marry him at the prom.
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Anyway, in case you are still at all interested, Steve is a divorced podiatrist. And we also learn that Kimmy has apparently been spying on a naked Danny from her 2nd story window for years. I could have done without knowing that.

So then Comet Jr, jr. has her puppies and DJ has to help birth them. The biggest difference in the setup of the original show vs. the new show is that DJ refuses to ask for help. Danny knew he was overwhelmed and called in a favor from his friends/family. But DJ feels that she’s responsible and has to do everything herself–ah, the struggles of being a woman.

But the family overhears her crying and talking to Tommy on the baby monitor, so Danny decides to give up his talk show and stay and help. Actually, all the adults agree to help. And Joey is wayyyy to ready to move back in. But Jesse still wants to live in LA hah. Steph and Kimmy decide to stay and help out even though DJ says she’s fine. Steph tells the original adults that it’s the younger adults’ responsibility now and they should live their own LA lives. And thus, there is Fuller House!
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This acting is a bit stilted. The original leads are strong as ever, but they’ve been acting ever since the first show ended. Jodi Sweetin is probably the strongest of the new leads, but Candace Cameron Bure is most comfortable when directly relating to the kids on the show. Since she’s a mom in real life, I’m guessing this is the more natural acting for her. But she might fall back into it. Andrea Barber is still funny, but she admitted that she hasn’t acted in a while and felt a bit rusty…I mean you can kind of tell but we’ll see how it goes.

Also, DJ’s middle son (who is basically a mini Danny Tanner) is the only kid who I find entertaining at this point. There’s some kind of mild flirtation happening between Ramona and Dj’s oldest son, whatever his name is. But otherwise, I feel like they don’t have characters yet.

Oh well, I enjoyed this more than Girl Meets World.

The Best and Worst of Fuller House’s New Trailer

If you haven’t seen it, check it out below. A LOT is going on.

I think it’s plain to see that this is going to be awful. And I am so freaking excited. But some parts of this look worse than others, so let me go ahead and break it down for you:

The Worst
-Steve. I was excited for him to return to the show, but then I saw him in this preview and I remembered why that episode where DJ breaks up with him on the mountain is so oddly satisfying.
-Kimmy being “stuck in the 90’s.” This better be a one-off gag in a bottle episode because a reboot character being “stuck” in the decade of the original series makes me want to vom all over the place.
-The three boys and one is a baby thing. Yep, I find this “major premise of the show” to be one of the worst parts of the reboot. Not only is this the same number of kids/adults but opposite gender roles from the original cast but they’re all like exactly the same age! Like wtf are the odds that your spouse dies at roughly the same age as your father’s spouse and you just so happen to have an infant and two older children roughly the age of you and your sisters when your mother died. That is NOT a universe I want to live in. I dunno…was that coherent? I just got back from a work even in which there was a surprise round of tequila shots, so I’m not editing for coherency right now…but could they not at least make the kids different ages?? Like maybe one’s a toddler and one’s in high school?

The Best
-Carly Rae Jepsen’s revitalized “Everywhere You Look” theme song. But I’m not surprised. She’s awesome. And “Call Me Maybe” is and will always be my car’s favorite song.
-Stephanie Tanner being a badass. She’s the only one of the main characters who lands all of her jokes in the trailer. Plus, is that a Stephanie Tanner dance performance I see?
-John Stamos. This should come as a surprise to know one. This man is television gold.

I’m on the fence about
-the catch phrases…
I want to gouge my eyes out every time I see Joey do the stupid “cut it out” hand motion. And calling “Michelle” at 5 am EST to yell “You got it dude” into her voicemail is the worst thing I’ve ever heard. But the whole John Stamos/Jodie Sweetin catchphrase exchange was very adorable and it didn’t feel forced at all (ahem, Dave Coulier you can just cut it the f*** out, thank you very much).

The Very Best
-Kimmy Gibler’s earrings at 0:37 and that bacon and eggs scarf at 1:03. Etsy friends, can you hook me up with one or both of these?

3 Things We Learned from the new Fuller House Teaser

With little over a month to go before the big premiere, Netlfix is dropping a few more hints about what the Tanner Family has been up to over the past couple of decades.

-Stephanie has continued to follow her Uncle Jesse’s musical footsteps. Maybe. (You can see Danny carrying a box that says “Stephanie’s Music Fragile.” What kind of instruments fit in that little box and are fragile? Or are her compositions written on fragile parchment paper? Is she only recording on vinyl and wants to be sure no one drops the box? But I replayed this like 22 times and finally heard Jodie Sweetin say, “It’s my rare records.” So maybe she’s not a musician…or is she?)
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-Joey still has that dumb puppet. (Kimmy has a box labeled Mr. Woodchuck and Joey’s like all excited to bring out that godforsaken puppet. Why are they unpacking it? Is Mr. Woodchuck moving in with the Tanner girls & Kimmy? I hope not. Maybe they’re going through the attic while move in? I’m not going to watch Mr. Woodchuck, guys. I will NOT.)
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-Kimmy Gibbler has become a lot more normal. Throughout this entire promo she’s in normal-mom mode. And none of the Tanner-Katsopolis-Gladstone adults seem to mind her like they used to. Is Kimmy all good with the family now or are they just distracted by moving? Will everyone still think she’s annoying except for DJ?

I have so many questions! I don’t know if I can wait until February! I hope this is one of those things that they “accidentally” release early and that I happen to be on Netflix when that happens.

Full House: Arrest Ye Merry Gentlemen

It’s another Christmas Eve at the Tanner house. And this year Michelle has gotten the perfect gift for Danny: a party tie with built in cup holder! But when she see’s that Aunt Becky has bought the same tie for Joey as a “gag gift” and Danny thinks it’s awful, she’s totally crushed. I mean this is the stuff of early-childhood emotional scarring.

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So let me just say here, in defense of the party tie: I for one would love to have a hands-free cup holder at just about every function or event on the planet. If you’re holing a drink, you’re still forced to make idle chit-chat. But if you have a hands-free cup holder, then you can stuff your face with snacks and not have to talk to people that you don’t want to hang out with. Then when you get super thirsty from all of the snacks, you’re drink is right there in front of you! But I do have to say that this tie looks a little heavy and may create a choking hazard. So like…use at your own risk.

mr2Uncle Jesse catches Michelle trying to burn her gift in the fireplace. Oh my gosh, danger on the Full House set! But she guilts him in to taking her to the store to buy a replacement gift, so she perks up pretty quickly. But Mickey Rooney owns the store that she bought the gift from and he gives her a hard time about not having her receipt.

When he won’t let her exchange the gift, even though he recognizes her from when she made the purchase earlier, Jesse decides to conduct an “even exchange” of his own. He puts the ugly tie on the counter and takes an item of equal value. But Mickey Rooney locks them in the store and calls the cops.

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But the police aren’t really coming. He’s just a lonely old man and he’s sad on Christmas. Then Jesse decides to tell him how important family is, which is obviously the most dickish thing on the planet he could do right now. But luckily, Michelle is there to help manage the situation. She invites their would-be kidnapper over to their house for dinner. That’s really nice, but then again this dude held them against there will not twenty minutes ago and is obviously a little unbalanced.

hqdefault5Then Jesse forces Mickey Rooney to call his family because he’s a meddler. He’s just lucky that this doesn’t backfire horribly.

Oh and then cool, new gift that Michelle bought Danny? An electric toothbrush that plays “Deck the Halls.”

Well, actually. I kind of want that now.

Very Special Lesson: When it comes to gift giving, it’s the thought that counts but not really.

Is this a thing?

I was just on the phone with my boyfriend, ranting about how stupid Joey was on Full House–as one does. And asking the age old question of what the hell was he even doing there? And my boyfriend said, “Are you kidding? Because he f***ed the mom.” And my jaw dropped. And I was like shocked at the blasphemy. And what?? But then he laid it all out. “It’s the only way. You think Danny Tanner had all of those blondes? Joey is so obviously the dad. It make sense that the brother-in-law moves in to help out. They’re grieving together, but then this totally random friend moves in too? It’s because he’s the dad.”

I mean it’s kind of the only valid statement I’ve heard for Joey’s continual presence. Like I feel that Danny must not know and is just super grateful for the help in his time of need. But it doesn’t explain why Joey hangs around forever. I mean why would a single guy want to spend eight years raising kids that are not his own?

Joey’s Hair + Pam’s Hair = DJ’s Hair

Is this a thing?? Do other people think this? Is Joey the father of the biological Tanner children?

Full House: Subterranean Graduation Blues

Did we know Uncle Jesse was a high school drop out? I don’t remember knowing that, but anyway he is graduating from night school in this episode. In fact, he is valedictorian. Everyone gets to go to the graduation except for his two toddlers. Even Michelle, who is in like the first grade, gets to go. She’s also on a big environmental kick, so she insists that they use public transportation (where we discover Danny’s face has been de-faced on an ad).

And suddenly, the entire Tanner family is transported to Brooklyn.  Even the guy they yell at for littering seems like he’d be more comfortable in Bay Ridge than by the Golden Gate Bridge. We cut away to Kimmy babysitting the twins, and then cut back to what looks like a D train going through a tunnel. Then the train stops due to an electrical problem and Jesse freaks out that he’s going to be late for his commencement. I mean, I think he should be more freaked out by the fact that he left Gerard Street ten minutes ago and somehow ended up in the Bronx, but you know, to each his own. And more importantly, what’s up with this 6 Diamond and how did the Tanners get to the east side? Just a couple of years in New York City ruined all establishing shots of public transportation for me.

So it turns out he will totally miss his graduation, and he’s really upset because now all of his teachers will think he’s still a screw up and blew the whole thing off. Some punk kid overhears him talking to Rebecca and tells Jesse that dropping out was the best thing he ever did. He asks Jesse for spare change and says that begging on the subway–er, Muni–is way better thanreading books by dead guys. And Jesse’s all like “I know who you are and where you’re going. You know where that is? That’s nowhere.” Um okay that’s a bit presumptuous for someone you just met on the train.

So then the punk kid is all like “school is hard.” And Jesse is all like “life is hard, man.”  Jesse sits him down and gives him his valedictory speech. So then the whole subway yells at him to go back to school. And some man plays Pomp & Circumstance on his saxophone and Jesse bows in front of everyone. And that was all it took to get that dude to want to go back to high school! Wow! Why don’t we all make speeches to strangers on the subway! It seems like they totally listen and are grateful for your invasively wise words.

Very Special Lesson: You know all of those people who drop out of high school and claim its because of lack of familial support or age inappropriate responsibilities thrust upon them at an early age? It turns out that it’s just that school was too boring and they simply prefer to ride the subway around all day. Be sure to share with all of them the importance of your education and how easy it was to get it while living with your wonderfully supportive family, all of whom attended your super delayed graduation! It’s so inspiring, isn’t it!

Full House: Fast Friends

This episode occurs during Uncle Jesse’s short, swept back hair phase. This is my favorite of his hairstyles. Anyway, Steph is stressing because she’s been in the sixth-grade at  new school for two weeks and hasn’t made any friends yet. But luckily, she befriends a cool older girl in the bathroom one day when she can’t figure out how to work the hand-dryer.

Meanwhile, in the most very special of radio shows, Joey and Jesse have decided to start a new segment dedicated to solving adolescent problems. They argue on the air over whether to call it “Teen Talk” (Joey) or “Yaking with Youth” (Jesse). They’re going to let DJ, Steve, and Kimmy answer questions from other kids, so I’m not even really sure why Jesse and Joey are around. They even leave the room to argue about the stupid name, leaving the kids to run the show.

Michelle (I feel like I probably neglect her on this blog) is having her own issues. Danny has promised her classmate’s mom that he can hang out at their house while she finds a new sitter. All he can do is complain that their fridge is devoid of ho-hos, nutty buddies, and ding-dongs. Who even puts ding-dongs in the fridge? What a weird kid. This is really just a pointless attempt to give Mary-Kate and/or Ashley some screen time, while we wait for Stephanie to come how with her new friend.

This friend, called Micki, is “edgy.” She tells Danny that she writes her own notes to get out of gym class and takes turns making dinner for herself and Janet (her mother, whom she calls Janet not mom). The next day at school, infamously cool girl Gia and her pals join Stephanie and Micki during their bathroom hangout. And everyone starts smoking except Stephanie. She tells everyone she’s trying to quit, but they all see right through her facade. Gia starts mocking her pretty heavily, but Micki tells her she’s okay. So Gia tells her to go hang out with Stephanie instead of them and Micki doesn’t.

I feel like everyone is always like OMG THIS IS THE EPISODE ABOUT HOW IT’S BAD TO SMOKE! But I feel like this is really the episode about how people suck. I’ve totally been in Stephanie’s shoes. I’m sure we all have. You’re just so lonely that you’ll hang out with pretty much whomever for the sake of human connection, and then sometimes those people turn out to make you feel like crap. Luckily, Stephanie has a large family to turn to. She tries to play a card game with Michelle, but that doesn’t last long. Then she tries to color with Nicky and Alex. When she notices how the white crayon kind of resembles a cigarette she starts pretending to smoke and tells the little kids how cool it is. Great role-modeling, Steph.

Thankfully, Jesse and Joey have just started that new advice segment on their radio show! Stephanie calls in and pretends to be a girl called “Olga.” Olga has just moved to this country and her only friend wants her to smoke. They tell her that smoking isn’t cool and this girl isn’t really friend. And then they hang up on her to play a song by The Beach Boys.

Danny overhears this whole situation, and he tells Stephanie that he is proud of her. And he says that if she thinks that Micki is a good person, then she should still be her friend. The next day in the bathroom, Gia starts to harass Stephanie again but Steph puts her in her place with snark and quick comebacks. Micki laughs along with her and decides to hang out with her. Then everyone calls her a scrub, but it’s okay because Micki asks her to hang out after school

Very Special Lesson: Having a smart mouth makes you cool, not smoking.