First things first, Kimmy Gibbler is wearing an awesome jumpsuit and fanny pack combo. I’m sorry that the internet won’t provide me with a bigger picture, but all you need to know is the jump suit is bermuda short length and the fanny pack is carrying invitations for her “surprise 14th birthday party.” Even though it’s November, Kimmy will be having a pool party (indoor pool). So DJ decides to get her beach bod in action out of season.
She’s already really slim so this is ridiculous and all of these trustworthy adults in her life should have told her so immediately. Instead, Rebecca gives her advice on eating chicken without the skin and whole wheat pasta. She’s trying to shed pounds in two weeks, so she gets frustrated with the diet when she’s only lost half a pound after like a second. Uncle Jesse tells her it’s silly for her to be on a diet and suggest the whole family go to the gym for a workout instead. What he doesn’t realize is that DJ decides to not eat a thing for the three days leading up to their work out.
First of all, I’m amazed she even made it to the gym after not eating for three days. I would probably pass out if I went 12 hours without eating–and that’s only if I made it that long without being arrested for committing crimes while hangry. She also, unfortunately, expects results to be immediate. After overdoing it on the bike, she weighs herself only to see no change. So she decides it would be a good choice to overexert herself on the StairMaster instead. But then she gets dizzy and falls over.
Stephanie decides to tell her Dad why DJ is a cranky, sick mess–even though she pinky swore. Major sister points to Stephanie on this one. Danny tries to tell her that she’s “headed down a dangerous road” but DJ says she doesn’t care because she has to “look good in a bathing suit”and it’s “her life.” But then Danny is like DJ these people are your friends. Why do you like your friends? And she’s all like because they’re nice and not because they look like models. OMG duh it’s what’s inside that counts! But then she says she’s going to have her dressing on the side of her salad at dinner. So I feel like this warrants a follow up conversation.
Very Special Lesson: If Danny Tanner’s your dad, you can take on and combat an eating disorder in less than a week without any major medical or psychological concerns. All you need is a good chat.
Shawn and Topanga are both going away for the summer, which leaves Cory totally depressed. Meanwhile, Eric has been rejected from every single college he has applied to, and is now hoping North Southwestern San Diego State University (NSWSDSU) will accept him off the wait-list. Eric’s hoping to have some quality time with Corey before he leaves home, but Cory resents Eric for only wanting to hang out with him now that he’s leaving. He plans to pack up his room in a week and spend the entire summer road-tripping to California. Like woah. I did not have that much mobility right after I graduated from high school, but more power to you, Eric.
room they’ve shared for fifteen years–and they don’t even know each other. Um. Okay. False. I get that you’re bummed this is happening but I’d just like to point out that Eric has been a pretty amazing brother to Cory: He’s a guest speaker in Cory’s 6th grade class, he makes Cory and Shawn a guide to high school on their first day, and earlier this season they even planned a rave together. So like Cory is just being super whiny and raining on everyone else’s parade because he’s lonely. But then again he is fifteen, so I guess that’s to be expected.
The next morning Cory says goodbye (almost tearfully) to Shawn and Topanga. Eric shows up just after they leave and finds a lonely Cory playing basketball and talking to himself. Cory apologizes to Eric about being a jerk. He also admits to stealing Eric’s college acceptance letter from the mailbox because he didn’t want him to leave. He feels like they’re finally getting to be friends (I guess the rave earlier this season was a real bonding moment) instead of being just brothers. Only, it turns out that letter is a rejection letter, and Eric has nowhere to go.
Eric admits that his expectations were a bit unrealistic, since he slacked off for all but the last few months of his high school career. But Cory encourages him to take a few classes over the summer, and apply again to an even better school. That’s still a major uphill battle for a guy who barely graduated from high school, but that’s not the point. The point is that Eric’s always been the supportive big brother for Cory (even though he’s been whining for this entire episode) and now it’s Cory’s turn to be the supportive one. That’s the first time in this entire 30-minute bitch-fest that Cory has actually demonstrated the kind of friendship that he demands from Eric. Omg. The feels. I think I’m going to cry. But seriously, what other hilarious sitcom is also this real in terms of human emotion. Certainly NOT Girl Meets World. New Theory: Boy Meets World is Cheers for the children of the 90’s. It’s all fun and games and harassment until you really need someone and they’re surprisingly deep.
Then Eric decides that Cory should come on his road trip with him and Amy and Alan bankroll the entire thing because they’re going to look at colleges across America. Like as a potential-one-day-maybe-parent I’m a little freaked out by the idea of an eighteen year-old and a fifteen year-old crossing America alone together in the days before cell phones, but if my kids were Eric and Cory, I’d like to think I’d be open to it.
Well, if Mom and Dad Brady had taught Marcia about the right thing to do, she would keep the date with Charlie. She could also tell Doug that she was so excited to go to the dance with him that she totally forgot about Charlie. This means she’s going to a. keep the date with Charlie like she should and b. flatter the hell out of Doug even though she’s canceling on him, which means he’s definitely going to ask her for a rain check.
But no, that’s not how this story goes. She spends all of her time with Doug now and chats forever with him on the phone. It’s after one of these phone chats, that she walks out into the backyard to talk to Peter and Bobby–and that’s when we get the infamous football to the face scene. And after that we have to hear Marcia complain for the rest of the episode because she’s no longer pretty for her date. I mean it’s not like the first time she’s met Doug. Can’t he just use his imagination? And if not, then can we just agree he’s a jerk?
This two part episode starts off the second season of The Facts of Life (in which the main cast has been reduced by like 45%). This means that Blair arrives and greets Tootie and Natalie like they are totally best friends forever, instead of treating them like the younger, lame kids. That’s what happens when everyone else your age is cut from the main cast.
Anyway, the “new girl,” Jo shows up on her motorcycle covered in grease and threatening to beat-up Blair like twelve hundred times for insulting her clothing and not being able to pronounce her last name. The acting is SO bad. Like Lisa Whelchel is killing it as Blair (I forgot how cool she was at the beginning of the show). And Nancy McKeon is so insufferable as Jo. This totally reversed at the end of the series. But whatever Tootie and Natalie are the best part of this series, and I’m not even sure why were paying attention to the other people. But I guess it’s “plot” or whatever.
So then these two sixteen year old girls start arguing about who can get men easier, and in a much milder version of the plot of Little Darlings decide to hang out at a college bar and see who they can pick up. This is television in the early 80’s, ladies and gentleman. I guess the drinking age was lower then so like maybe they can hang out with some recent high-school graduates. Ugh, yeah whatever it’s gotta be creepy at the beginning, so we can have the very special lesson at the end, right?
Later that afternoon, Blair and Jo discuss their plan with Natalie and Tootie. It is so blatantly obvious that there is no one else at this school anymore because Tootie is in like the seventh-grade and I have no idea why Blair and Jo would think she’s a good confidant for their plan. Could they not get any of the girls from the last season to come back and guest star for the first couple of episodes as a transition? Or like maybe that would have been too offensive after firing them all in one fell swoop.
Natalie and Tootie insist on going along with them and threaten to tell on them if they try to keep them from riding in the stolen cafeteria van and conspicuously watching through the window near the entrance. Anyway, it turns out that Gary Coleman saw them stealing the van and told Mrs. Garrett and so they’re all screwed anyway.
It’s good that Mrs. Garrett found out because this is NOT a college bar. Everyone is like thirty-seven years old and creepy. One dude hits on Blair and Jo at the same time, but Blair gets mad because he thinks Jo goes to college and Blair goes to secretarial school.
Skipping ahead to the second part of this episode, Jo and Blair kind of become friends when Jo defends Blair in lock up. Then Mrs. Garrett bails them out and tells them that they’re all expelled. The only loophole is if they agree to let her be totally responsible for them and live above the cafeteria with her. And they have to work in the cafeteria to pay for repairs to the van. And all of their parents have agreed to this. And this is not at all an implausible situation.
So they all move in together, and Blair and Jo argue more. I’m skipping through and wondering why this had to be a double episode. But I guess I spoke to soon about the absence of the original cast members because Molly Ringwald shows up in the cafeteria line to express her sympathies for their new situation. She’s had a growth spurt and I feel like she’s four inches taller or wearing some serious platform shoes. This would be her last/only guest appearance since she was like ten seconds away from becoming John Hughes’s protege. Also, is it just me or does Molly Ringwald seem like a total bitch, but the kind of total bitch you’d still want to hang out with?
This episode occurs during Uncle Jesse’s short, swept back hair phase. This is my favorite of his hairstyles. Anyway, Steph is stressing because she’s been in the sixth-grade at new school for two weeks and hasn’t made any friends yet. But luckily, she befriends a cool older girl in the bathroom one day when she can’t figure out how to work the hand-dryer.
Meanwhile, in the most very special of radio shows, Joey and Jesse have decided to start a new segment dedicated to solving adolescent problems. They argue on the air over whether to call it “Teen Talk” (Joey) or “Yaking with Youth” (Jesse). They’re going to let DJ, Steve, and Kimmy answer questions from other kids, so I’m not even really sure why Jesse and Joey are around. They even leave the room to argue about the stupid name, leaving the kids to run the show.
This friend, called Micki, is “edgy.” She tells Danny that she writes her own notes to get out of gym class and takes turns making dinner for herself and Janet (her mother, whom she calls Janet not mom). The next day at school, infamously cool girl Gia and her pals join Stephanie and Micki during their bathroom hangout. And everyone starts smoking except Stephanie. She tells everyone she’s trying to quit, but they all see right through her facade. Gia starts mocking her pretty heavily, but Micki tells her she’s okay. So Gia tells her to go hang out with Stephanie instead of them and Micki doesn’t.
I feel like everyone is always like OMG THIS IS THE EPISODE ABOUT HOW IT’S BAD TO SMOKE! But I feel like this is really the episode about how people suck. I’ve totally been in Stephanie’s shoes. I’m sure we all have. You’re just so lonely that you’ll hang out with pretty much whomever for the sake of human connection, and then sometimes those people turn out to make you feel like crap. Luckily, Stephanie has a large family to turn to. She tries to play a card game with Michelle, but that doesn’t last long. Then she tries to color with Nicky and Alex. When she notices how the white crayon kind of resembles a cigarette she starts pretending to smoke and tells the little kids how cool it is. Great role-modeling, Steph.
Thankfully, Jesse and Joey have just started that new advice segment on their radio show! Stephanie calls in and pretends to be a girl called “Olga.” Olga has just moved to this country and her only friend wants her to smoke. They tell her that smoking isn’t cool and this girl isn’t really friend. And then they hang up on her to play a song by The Beach Boys.
This is Mr. Turner’s FINAL episode of Boy Meets World, so just keep that in mind. He starts of the episode by lecturing Shawn on how he should have some goals in life now that he is a junior in high school. Topanga is all like I have goals! I want to go to Penn State! Wft, Topanga. You’re the freaking valedictorian. Is John Adams High such a shitty school that the valedictorian is aiming for Penn State instead of UPenn? Well, this would explain why Shawn has never been held back in any grades even though he’s a completely terrible student.
Shawn is currently back home with mom and dad, but Mr. Turner is still doing some parenting (clearly). A cute girl, Sherri, overhears their conversation and convinces him to come along with her to a cult-meeting. You know, for love and acceptance. She introduces him to cult-lead, Mr. Mac, who dresses like James Spader in Pretty in Pink.
Some might call this an “implausible” situation. Clearly, Sherri has been walking around John Adams high school blabbing about how she’s in a cult and living with a non-guardian and yet no one has called police of child protective services. But I would like to argue, that Boy Meets World has invented the most terrifying cult leader ever. He’s so powerful that he doesn’t even have to resort to the usual tactics and can brainwash someone in literally minutes.
Well, then they induct Shawn as a life-member, which is admittedly odd. Corey goes home and enlists the help of his dad and Mr. Feeny, who has been trying to close The Centre for years. However, Shawn shows up in the Matthews/Feeny yard before they can go to The Centre to get him. He’s there to bring Eric home because Mr. Mac knew Eric was only interested in the hot girls.
Alan threatens to kill Mr. Mac if he messes with Shawn. Yep, family television used to use murder as leverage in arguments. They don’t write them like they used to, folks. With of all their arguing, they don’t notice that Topanga, Shawn, and Corey have left the room. Shawn freaks out and says it’s too intense and he needs Mr. Mac to deal with this tragedy. Topanga (back when they let her drive plots) tells him that this is real and he has to deal with it, and Mr. Mac can’t help him. Then Corey grabs him and explains what a hug is. 
Then Shawn is left alone with Mr. Turner, as he begs him to wake up from his coma. He tells him that he knows he’s in there even if he can’t talk. This leads Shawn to beg God to let Mr. Turner be okay, realizing that He can hear him even if He doesn’t talk. (This show was very quietly Christian, I’m realizing. I mean like they never went to church but this is like not a show with buddhist undertones.) Then Shawn holds Mr. Turner’s hand and Mr. Turner (who doesn’t wake up) gently grasps his hand in return. AND THEN WE NEVER SEE HIM AGAIN FOR THE REST OF THE SHOW!
Little Bobby Brady is obsessed with Jesse James. Oh, cool! An outlaw! Well, the principal at his school calls the Brady’s in to rain on his parade because it turns out Jesse James was a “cruel and vicious killer” who has been turned into a “folk hero.” But it turns out that he’s been brining his cap gun to school and “holding up” the other students, so it seems like things are getting out of hand.
But the movie doesn’t depict Jesse James accurately. Instead of showing him shooting everyone in a bank in the back, he doesn’t use a gone at all. I guess he uses the Jedi Mind Trick to make them hand over the money, which really is pretty hero worthy. Apparently, Mike and Carol Brady are western history buffs because they can point out every part of the movie that glosses over Jesse’s horrible actions. So now Bobby thinks Jesse is cooler than ever.
Mike goes to the library and checks out a ton of non-fiction books about Jesse James to read in his spare time. It’s so nice that a busy architect with six kids can give all of them so much individual attention. He then invites the author of one of the books over to the house to help with Bobby. OMG JESSE JAMES KILLED THIS GUYS FATHER.
That’s dark, Brady Bunch. Then Bobby has the nerve to tell this old man that he doesn’t believe him. But when this guy tells Bobby in detail about how Jesse James shot his father with his hands up, face to the wall, and unarmed, Bobby begins to feel a little guilty about his obsession. That night, Bobby has a dream that Jesse James shoots all of the Brady’s in the back while Bobby looks on in terror.
o then things get kind of weird. The cool girls are all like, Sue Ann we like you for you and not because of Blair so you can hang out with us all by yourself. And Blair is all like they’re lying to you so you’ll smoke with them and they really only did invite you because of me. And the cool girls are all like that’s not true. Blair is just chicken! And I would like to know in what world–especially a world where you’re selling your cool stereo to buy better pot–are you peer pressuring some chick to smoke with you? From the looks of this, I’d say they were trying to get her involved in some high stakes amphetamine ring. I feel like in the real world, they’d just be like bye and keep the pot for themselves.
The next morning Sue Ann feels a little sick. Pot hangover? She’s also very proud of her book report, which she finished all 20 pages of in 30 minutes. She asks Mrs. Garrett to read it and share her opinion. But it’s like one sentence per page and kind of weird and rhyming and ridiculous. Blair (who I think I actually did like better in the early episodes) covers for her and tells Mrs. Garrett that Sue Ann has been playing a joke. The book report is pretty funny, so it does play well as a joke and no one is none the wiser…until Tootie and Natalie come in with three bongs that they bought at the record store.
Cool kid, Willie, is jealous that Urkel is commanding such a crowd without the benefit of alcohol–so he decides to get an unwitting Urkel smashed. Steve doesn’t notice the burn of the alcohol in the punch and simply assumes it’s mango flavoring. It doesn’t take long before he’s way more intoxicated than the rest of the party and everyone is laughing at him.
Then he decides to do The Urkel on the ledge of the building. He falls off and luckily catches on to another ledge at a lower level of the building. Laura’s Aunt Rachel, who is catering the party, walks across a clothing line like a tightrope in order to reach him. Then the two kids who brought the booze actually get arrested when the cops show up. I feel like we usually get a lecture or a heart to heart talk in these episodes, but nope. This is the real deal. Off to juvie!
The Very Special Blog 