I feel like The Facts of Life did not live up to it’s name because everyone on this show was a virgin until the last season when they’re all well into their twenties. And I mean obviously, this is a very personally thing that doesn’t have to happen at a certain age, I just feel like statistically it’s odd that they’re all still virgins. But honestly, they all shared one bedroom for basically forever so maybe that hampered things. It’s the late 80’s and the girls live with Cloris Leachman (for unclear reasons). Blair isn’t in this episode because Lisa Whelchel objected to the subject matter for personal reasons. The house is actually a lot more pleasant without her.
The episode starts off with Snake (Natalie’s boyfriend) showing up to take her out for their one year anniversary. He wears coveralls and makes Natalie feel unappreciated, but hey it’s all one big fake out joke and he’s got a suit underneath! That’s the kind of guy you want to lose your virginity to, am I right? Snake is about thirty-five years old and also apparently a virgin. After a special night of romantic dining, no one wants to say goodnight, and that’s how babies are made! Just kidding, this is The Facts of Life and Natalie’s a core cast member, so you can trust that she’s well prepared.
Natalie comes home at 5 am and wakes up Tootie to tell her she lost her virginity. Then at breakfast she tries to tell Jo, but the two kids who live with him (why??) keep barging into the room and she can’t finish the story. Then it’s just Cloris Leachman (who is apparently Mrs. Garret’s sister and therefore privy to all of the intimate stuff) and the girls, so Natalie can finally brag about her night. And then they are so SHOCKED that Jo spills a pile of cereal onto the table and Cloris Leachman’s knees buckle. Then they all quietly slut shame Natalie because Cloris waited until marriage. And Tootie is waiting until marriage. And Jo won’t comment. Then everyone says that she’s probably going to get pregnant. And that’s really why this show is past it’s prime. It’s okay to have life lessons when you’re fifteen, but I’m offended that all of these adult women are commenting on another adult woman’s personal decision.
Then Snake calls and tells her that he can’t see her for a while. Because that’s what guys do. They date a girl for a whole year just to have sex with her. And then it’s all over after that! That’s a long con I just don’t believe in, but we are expected to believe this plot-line for the next ten minutes. After about 24 hours of not hearing from him, Natalie says she never should have slept with him. The she takes everything out on Jo, who won’t tell her if she was “right”or “wrong.”
Jo has been the only sane person in this episode, but Natalie says she’s afraid of emotions or something and that’s why she won’t judgee her choices. Ugh. So then after some yelling Jo tells her to stop feeling bad just because Snake is being a jerk. Then she says that sex made Natalie forget she was a good person before Snake. What? I’m so confused. I’m so glad I wasn’t a teenager in 1988 because I would have trusted these fools and this episode is really odd.
Anyway, Natalie finally decides that she doesn’t regret anything and it’s not her fault that Snake is being a loser. But then Snake shows up at the door! And it turns out that he’s been so emotionally affected that he avoided her for days to see if he wanted to spend the rest of his life with her. So I mean I guess it’s thoughtful in the most selfish way possible. Then he says they’re heading towards marriage and Natalie is like nope. The episode cuts off here on YouTube. So I guess everything ends up okay?
Very Special Lesson: Don’t make life choices without running them by your friends and trusted older adult first. You thought you could make a reasonable decision on your own? Wrong!
Remember, that The Golden Girls never actually went to a Disney Park, so they are once again at a disadvantage in this competition. But everyone loves an underdog. And everyone loves The Golden Girls. The only reason that Dorothy and Sophia never go to the park (aside from one short ride on Space Mountain in the credits) is that Dorothy has really only taken her mother on a trip in order to be able to spend time with her without interruption. They basically could have found a quiet corner booth in a Miami diner and had this exact same experience.
Blossom would never have had an awful fight with her boyfriend if it weren’t for the fact that he started behaving strangely because he was afraid of all of the theme park’s attractions. He wasn’t just afraid of The Matterhorn, he was freaked out by The Swiss Family Robinson Tree House. That’s how bad his fear of heights was. And it made him act like a weirdo. But like many teenagers she totally took it personally and made it all about herself. At the end of this episode she learns that it’s a stupid thing to do, and he learns it’s shady to pretend nothing is wrong when there is obviously something wrong. It’s a good lesson that they could have learned anywhere, but it’s cool that they learned it at Disney because that’s the kind of weird shit that you learn about each other at theme parks. This is a great way to integrate the setting and have a good overall plot all at the same time.
So if you haven’t guessed already, Step by Step wins the point for integration of setting. Aside from the fact that they are winning by default, this episode actually does a good job of integrating pretty much all of the major attractions. This is done largely through extended montages that depict a family friend, Flash, trying to break a world record. He’s attempting to visit all restaurants, food carts, and rides in less than four days. He’s doing this largely because a Russian holds the current record. And this is America. The montages are way too long, but it really cool to see how two of the boys work with Disney staff to set up a base of operations for Flash. I’d like to think this is something Disney would be down for in real life. 
Morbid. I know. But this is The Golden Girls so it’s funny. All Sophia wants to do is ride Space Mountain. But Dorothy has brought photo albums and slides and wants her mother to sit in the hotel with her for hours and tell her every single thing she was thinking in every single one of the photos. She also starts to keep a journal of Sophia’s witty one liners. This pisses Sophia off to no end, so she goes to the hotel bar and tries to have a Casablanca moment with the bar pianist. He doesn’t get the joke though so instead of playing “As Time Goes By” he plays a light-jazz version of “It’s a Small World.” When Sophia is finally ready to ditch Dorothy and go to the park herself, it rains in a torrential downpour for 24-hours straight. Luckily, Dorothy realizes she’s being a little nuts and does take her mother to Space Mountain before heading to the airport. We sort of get to see this as the end credits roll over what looks like the interior of space mountain, so that’s kind of cool. I’m also giving the Vacation Attire point to The Golden Girls because I like a woman who can dress well at any age and Dorothy is killing it. Also, I hope to own as many cozy cardigans as possible as an elderly woman, so I’m very inspired by Sophia’s wardrobe.
Sorry Friends, but Cheers has the best friendsgiving episodes ever. Why is that?(fragments for stylistic purposes) Because these people have reached the where friendship truly becomes family. The point where your friends drive you crazy just as much as any blood relative could. The point where you spend the holidays together because you have no one else to spend them with and, even though it’s awful, you would not want it any other way.
house for a Thanksgiving potluck. Things start off on the wrong foot when Norm (who is supposed to be brining the never seen wife, Vera) ends up having a huge fight with his wife and doesn’t cook the Turkey at all before arriving to Carla’s. And it’s a big turkey. And it takes forever to cook. Meanwhile, Dianne insists that they wait to eat until all of the food is on the table, so no munching on candied yams while the turkey is still cooking. This means everyone gets hangry by the end of the evening. Carla and Norm start insulting each others cooking and everything devolves into a gigantic food fight. And when Vera finally does show up to dinner, we don’t get to see her face. Dianne has hit her square in the face with a pumpkin pie that Sam narrowly dodged.
She’s all like Thanksgiving should be spent at home! We always had Thanksgiving with mom at home! (Yep, this is one of those rare episodes where we admit the girls once had a mom and that she died tragically). Also, Joey walks around randomly saying the “Miracle of Thanksgiving” and making a trumpet noise. Was he also the voice of Face on Nick, Jr.?
So how can they possible tell this little girl who is trying to impress her dead mom that the turkey she made sucks? Well, they don’t exactly…they shove the turkey back into the oven, crank it up as high as it will go, and try to purchase a turkey off of a couple of lost travelers who ask if they can use the phone. None of it pans out though, and the non-defrosted turkey catches on fire. Then Stephanie drops the “picture perfect pumpkin pie” and everything is ruined.
Jesse goes to talk to Stephanie (who is hiding in her closet because she dropped the “picture perfect pumpkin pie). At first things start off with the run-of-the-mill “everyone makes mistakes” lesson, but Stephanie is very adamant that not everyone makes “pie mistakes.” So Jesse decides to tell her a story about when he was a kid and did something very stupid to show that sometimes kids do stupid things and it is okay. He takes her to his room to show her a childhood photo album, specifically a haircut that he allowed her then ten year-old mother to give him when he was five. Stephanie feels better after hearing the story and enjoys seeing childhood pictures of her mother, but Jesse ends up being very upset by the whole interaction.
I know I’ve already done a very special movie this month, but The ‘Burbs is on Netflix and I just love it. If you haven’t seen this movie then go check it out now. Tom Hanks plays a burnt-out suburbanite staycationer whose neighbor manages to convince him that the new family on the cul-de-sac are murderers. Much to the chagrin of Tom’s wife (in this case, Carrie Fisher) he and a few of the guys from the neighborhood (Bruce Dern and Rick Ducommun) decide to conduct their own guerrilla-style investigation of the new family and their creepy basement.
g season. Ever since, she’s been taking narcotics. That’s why she’s so un-phased and stupid all the time. Rose is always on drugs. When Sophia accidentally knocks the pill bottle into the sink all of the pills go down the drain, and Rose cannot get a new prescription for two days. Things come to a head when she lashes out at a pizzeria owner who has come to the house to film a commercial starring Sophia.
The Very Special Blog 