Is this a thing?

I was just on the phone with my boyfriend, ranting about how stupid Joey was on Full House–as one does. And asking the age old question of what the hell was he even doing there? And my boyfriend said, “Are you kidding? Because he f***ed the mom.” And my jaw dropped. And I was like shocked at the blasphemy. And what?? But then he laid it all out. “It’s the only way. You think Danny Tanner had all of those blondes? Joey is so obviously the dad. It make sense that the brother-in-law moves in to help out. They’re grieving together, but then this totally random friend moves in too? It’s because he’s the dad.”

I mean it’s kind of the only valid statement I’ve heard for Joey’s continual presence. Like I feel that Danny must not know and is just super grateful for the help in his time of need. But it doesn’t explain why Joey hangs around forever. I mean why would a single guy want to spend eight years raising kids that are not his own?

Joey’s Hair + Pam’s Hair = DJ’s Hair

Is this a thing?? Do other people think this? Is Joey the father of the biological Tanner children?

Full House: Subterranean Graduation Blues

Did we know Uncle Jesse was a high school drop out? I don’t remember knowing that, but anyway he is graduating from night school in this episode. In fact, he is valedictorian. Everyone gets to go to the graduation except for his two toddlers. Even Michelle, who is in like the first grade, gets to go. She’s also on a big environmental kick, so she insists that they use public transportation (where we discover Danny’s face has been de-faced on an ad).

And suddenly, the entire Tanner family is transported to Brooklyn.  Even the guy they yell at for littering seems like he’d be more comfortable in Bay Ridge than by the Golden Gate Bridge. We cut away to Kimmy babysitting the twins, and then cut back to what looks like a D train going through a tunnel. Then the train stops due to an electrical problem and Jesse freaks out that he’s going to be late for his commencement. I mean, I think he should be more freaked out by the fact that he left Gerard Street ten minutes ago and somehow ended up in the Bronx, but you know, to each his own. And more importantly, what’s up with this 6 Diamond and how did the Tanners get to the east side? Just a couple of years in New York City ruined all establishing shots of public transportation for me.

So it turns out he will totally miss his graduation, and he’s really upset because now all of his teachers will think he’s still a screw up and blew the whole thing off. Some punk kid overhears him talking to Rebecca and tells Jesse that dropping out was the best thing he ever did. He asks Jesse for spare change and says that begging on the subway–er, Muni–is way better thanreading books by dead guys. And Jesse’s all like “I know who you are and where you’re going. You know where that is? That’s nowhere.” Um okay that’s a bit presumptuous for someone you just met on the train.

So then the punk kid is all like “school is hard.” And Jesse is all like “life is hard, man.”  Jesse sits him down and gives him his valedictory speech. So then the whole subway yells at him to go back to school. And some man plays Pomp & Circumstance on his saxophone and Jesse bows in front of everyone. And that was all it took to get that dude to want to go back to high school! Wow! Why don’t we all make speeches to strangers on the subway! It seems like they totally listen and are grateful for your invasively wise words.

Very Special Lesson: You know all of those people who drop out of high school and claim its because of lack of familial support or age inappropriate responsibilities thrust upon them at an early age? It turns out that it’s just that school was too boring and they simply prefer to ride the subway around all day. Be sure to share with all of them the importance of your education and how easy it was to get it while living with your wonderfully supportive family, all of whom attended your super delayed graduation! It’s so inspiring, isn’t it!

Full House: Shape Up

First things first, Kimmy Gibbler is wearing an awesome jumpsuit and fanny pack combo. I’m sorry that the internet won’t provide me with a bigger picture, but all you need to know is the jump suit is bermuda short length and the fanny pack is carrying invitations for her “surprise 14th birthday party.” Even though it’s November, Kimmy will be having a pool party (indoor pool). So DJ decides to get her beach bod in action out of season.

She’s already really slim so this is ridiculous and all of these trustworthy adults in her life should have told her so immediately. Instead, Rebecca gives her advice on eating chicken without the skin and whole wheat pasta. She’s trying to shed pounds in two weeks, so she gets frustrated with the diet when she’s only lost half a pound after like a second. Uncle Jesse tells her it’s silly for her to be on a diet and suggest the whole family go to the gym for a workout instead. What he doesn’t realize is that DJ decides to not eat a thing for the three days leading up to their work out.

First of all, I’m amazed she even made it to the gym after not eating for three days. I would probably pass out if I went 12 hours without eating–and that’s only if I made it that long without being arrested for committing crimes while hangry. She also, unfortunately, expects results to be immediate. After overdoing it on the bike, she weighs herself only to see no change. So she decides it would be a good choice to overexert herself on the StairMaster instead. But then she gets dizzy and falls over.

Allow me to lighten this moment with an image of Michelle “working out.”

Stephanie decides to tell her Dad why DJ is a cranky, sick mess–even though she pinky swore. Major sister points to Stephanie on this one. Danny tries to tell her that she’s “headed down a dangerous road” but DJ says she doesn’t care because she has to “look good in a bathing suit”and it’s “her life.” But then Danny is like DJ these people are your friends. Why do you like your friends? And she’s all like because they’re nice and not because they look like models. OMG duh it’s what’s inside that counts! But then she says she’s going to have her dressing on the side of her salad at dinner. So I feel like this warrants a follow up conversation.

Very Special Lesson: If Danny Tanner’s your dad, you can take on and combat an eating disorder in less than a week without any major medical or psychological concerns. All you need is a good chat.

Full House: Fast Friends

This episode occurs during Uncle Jesse’s short, swept back hair phase. This is my favorite of his hairstyles. Anyway, Steph is stressing because she’s been in the sixth-grade at  new school for two weeks and hasn’t made any friends yet. But luckily, she befriends a cool older girl in the bathroom one day when she can’t figure out how to work the hand-dryer.

Meanwhile, in the most very special of radio shows, Joey and Jesse have decided to start a new segment dedicated to solving adolescent problems. They argue on the air over whether to call it “Teen Talk” (Joey) or “Yaking with Youth” (Jesse). They’re going to let DJ, Steve, and Kimmy answer questions from other kids, so I’m not even really sure why Jesse and Joey are around. They even leave the room to argue about the stupid name, leaving the kids to run the show.

Michelle (I feel like I probably neglect her on this blog) is having her own issues. Danny has promised her classmate’s mom that he can hang out at their house while she finds a new sitter. All he can do is complain that their fridge is devoid of ho-hos, nutty buddies, and ding-dongs. Who even puts ding-dongs in the fridge? What a weird kid. This is really just a pointless attempt to give Mary-Kate and/or Ashley some screen time, while we wait for Stephanie to come how with her new friend.

This friend, called Micki, is “edgy.” She tells Danny that she writes her own notes to get out of gym class and takes turns making dinner for herself and Janet (her mother, whom she calls Janet not mom). The next day at school, infamously cool girl Gia and her pals join Stephanie and Micki during their bathroom hangout. And everyone starts smoking except Stephanie. She tells everyone she’s trying to quit, but they all see right through her facade. Gia starts mocking her pretty heavily, but Micki tells her she’s okay. So Gia tells her to go hang out with Stephanie instead of them and Micki doesn’t.

I feel like everyone is always like OMG THIS IS THE EPISODE ABOUT HOW IT’S BAD TO SMOKE! But I feel like this is really the episode about how people suck. I’ve totally been in Stephanie’s shoes. I’m sure we all have. You’re just so lonely that you’ll hang out with pretty much whomever for the sake of human connection, and then sometimes those people turn out to make you feel like crap. Luckily, Stephanie has a large family to turn to. She tries to play a card game with Michelle, but that doesn’t last long. Then she tries to color with Nicky and Alex. When she notices how the white crayon kind of resembles a cigarette she starts pretending to smoke and tells the little kids how cool it is. Great role-modeling, Steph.

Thankfully, Jesse and Joey have just started that new advice segment on their radio show! Stephanie calls in and pretends to be a girl called “Olga.” Olga has just moved to this country and her only friend wants her to smoke. They tell her that smoking isn’t cool and this girl isn’t really friend. And then they hang up on her to play a song by The Beach Boys.

Danny overhears this whole situation, and he tells Stephanie that he is proud of her. And he says that if she thinks that Micki is a good person, then she should still be her friend. The next day in the bathroom, Gia starts to harass Stephanie again but Steph puts her in her place with snark and quick comebacks. Micki laughs along with her and decides to hang out with her. Then everyone calls her a scrub, but it’s okay because Micki asks her to hang out after school

Very Special Lesson: Having a smart mouth makes you cool, not smoking.

Full House: Just Say No Way

Warning: This may be the most frustrating episode of Full House ever.

DJ gets a date to the junior high school dance with her big crush. This is a super important event for her because she’s also planned the entire dance. When the band she’s booked falls through at the last minute, she get Uncle Jesse to fill in–which means he’s there to witness all of the UNDERAGE DRINKING!

But first, check out this video of Uncle Jesse performing with the only available backup musicians–The Van Atta Junior High Marching Band.

Meanwhile, DJ’s date has been too shy to handle all of the social interaction at the dance. So he’s decided to drink beers with a couple of other boys. He finds that the beers really take the edge off, but this does not impress DJ. She tells them how stupid they are, and attempts to show how ridiculous they look by holding a beer and mocking them.

This is not an effective method of deterring teenage drinking, but I’m sure Nancy Reagan’s “Just Say No” only confused poor DJ and she really believed this was a helpful teaching tool for her peers. Anyway, at that exact moment Jesse walks out into the hallway and sees them. Fine, you think. She’s not drinking it, she’s holding it. He will understand what’s going on here.

But one of those preteen lame-os sprayed DJ with beer when she walked into the hallway! So she smells like beer, is holding beer, and is commenting about the beer to a group of peers. This looks pretty bad. But Uncle Jesse is a trusted adult who understands DJ’s integrity and he will believe that she’s just mocking them, right? Nope.

So Jesse takes DJ home, grounds her, and reports all of this to Danny and Joey. Okay, fine. Joey is such a softy, he’ll know she didn’t really do it. Danny will go upstairs and have a heart to heart with her and then he’ll see the truth, right? NOPE. They all sit downstairs chatting about how earlier kids start experimenting and how they can’t believe what she’s done. Then she gets the lecture a kid who has been drinking deserves–only she didn’t do anything except be in the wrong place at the wrong time.

Literally no one in this loving, supportive, you can always talk to me family believes a single word DJ says except her little sister, Stephanie. DJ has been crying her eyes out for like eternity because no one believes her, so Stephanie marches downstairs and says her big sister is crying in the way that you only cry when you’re wrongfully accused. And suddenly every adult is like: whoops.

Meanwhile, DJ has gotten Kimmy’s mom (Kimmy has parents who are actually involved in her life at this point) to drive her back to school so she can get Kevin to explain to her father what really happened. For some reason, Jesse and Danny need only this twelve-year old child–a relative stranger to them–to corroborate DJ’s story in order for them to believe her. Ugh. So then Jesse is all like sorry DJ, I just know that alcohol has really messed up some of my friends and I totally took that out on you because I love you so much. And DJ is all like yay you trust me again and you were just worried!

Very Special Lesson: It’s okay if someone totally ruins your relationship by calling you a liar and a juvenile delinquent. If they apologize, then you can go back to your loving trusting relationship with absolutely no residual resentment.

Block Party Summer

I don’t know if anyone remembers when Nick at Nite used to show some quality classic TV back in the 90’s, but I was quite a fan of Block Party Summer. It was really just three hour blocks of one TV show, but for some reason it felt like serious Summer fun to me. This should have been the first sign of a serious pop culture addiction, but it’s only an addiction if you want to stop, right? No? That’s not how that works? Anyway, I’d like to bring back Block Party Summer on The Very Special Blog.

This may be a bad decision because Summer is apparently our “crazy time” at work and as this is my first Summer at this job, I may be biting off more than I can chew with this little challenge. But I have an odd coping mechanism when someone gives me a ton of work. I’m kind of like Oh yeah? Well I’ll complete all of the “work” things you gave me but then I’m going to make my own work things to do on my own time but those work things will be FUN.

So there you go, The Very Special Summer will be my fun self-imposed non-work, work thing. So this July get ready for weekly lessons from your (my) favorite shows as follows:

Monday: The Brady Bunch
Tuesday: Boy Meets World
Wednesday: Full House
Thursday: Family Matters
Friday: The Facts of Life

Fuller House Plot Ideas

You may have heard by now that Netflix is definitely producing a sequel to Full House, in which D.J. Tanner “Fuller” is a single mom of two kids with another one on the way. One of her children is named J.D. because apparently those Tanners are obsessed with the letters D and J. Will they call him “Jeed” like they called D.J. “Deej”?

To make things even more depressing than losing a spouse with three youngsters, D.J. loses her spouse while pregnant. This of course means that her sister Stefanie and her bff Kimmy Gibbler (also a single mom) have to move in together in one San Francisco home! It also may mean that it’s bad luck to get pregnant with a Tanner thrice. It may mean you’ll die tragically.

Since I’ve been reviewing a lot of Full House very special episodes over the lifespan of this blog, I feel that this entitles me to predict a few episodes.

Episode 1.1: DJ is totally bummed that the father of her 2.5 children has passed away, leaving her with nothing but a victorian home and broken dreams. So she invites her sister and bff to move in. I mean it worked her her dad when he tragically lost his spouse, right? Except Kimmy and Stephanie don’t get along and neither do the kids. And it’s so zany! Everyone divides the house into their respective area where no one else is allowed. Maybe they use a lot of masking tape to demonstrate these boundaries. But at the end of the day they realize they’re all from broken families just trying to make it together in this cruel, unpredictable world.

Episode 1.4: Uncle Jesse and Aunt Becky guest star. We thankfully do not see their obnoxious twin children. Uncle Jesse gives Stephanie a pep talk about her struggle to become a professional singer. Stephanie realizes she was at her best when performing with her archenemy Kimmy. The two overcome their differences and decide to reform Girl Talk only to discover at their first rec center concert that the crowd thought they were seeing DJ Gregg Gillis aka “Girl Talk.”

Episode 1.12: Kimmy’s teenage daughter tries [insert controlled substance here] for the first time and all of the adults sit her down for a big talk. The message really hits home though when it turns out that neurotic youngest child Max really looks up to her and is disappointed by her actions.

Episode 1.17: Steve Hale has moved back to San Francisco and is looking to date D.J. again. Even though she lives with two other adult women and 3 children and is pregnant. But D.J. just isn’t sure she can handle it all!! Their on again/off again romance continues into the 21st century.

Episode 1.22: In the first season finale, D.J. gives birth to her dead husband’s child. The entire Tanner family rushes to be by her side, including youngest Tanner, Michelle–who has been recast by a nondescript blonde actress who we never see again. D.J. asks her to get her some ice while at the hospital and recast-Michelle says, “You got it dude,” to the tune of a laugh track. Due to poor audience reception, this is the only time we will see recast-Michelle and she will be “put on a bus” for the rest of the series.

Like when they tried to replace Jan in The Brady Bunch Variety Hour.
In other reboot news, this is happening. Just accept it. Everything is being rebooted. Is this a sign of the apocalypse?

Disney Episode Showdown: Full House vs. Blossom

It’s time to decide who will be victorious in the Disney Episode Showdown! But here’s the thing. My brain has been really tired lately. So I thought I’d let you guys decide the winner. People’s choice awards, right? As Valerie Cherish says, those are the most important because they come from the people.

So brief point of order:
All episodes will be graded on a 5 point scale and the winning episode will have the higher score based upon which categories it wins:
Overall Plot–2 points
Music–1 point
Vacation Attire–1 point
Integration of Disney Setting –1 point

The final round consists of Full House and Blossom. Both of these shows have reputations for being very special shows, but now they must face-off in the ultimate showdown.

In terms of plot, I think the best analysis is through comparing very special lessons:
Blossom learned to trust her boyfriend to be honest with her. Blossom’s bf learned to be honest about his feelings. Blossom’s non-Joey Lawrence brother learned to be happy he had a hot girlfriend and stop freaking out about the fact that others are attracted to her. (a.k.a. He learned to stop being a possessive freak.) Joey Lawrence learned it’s possible to have a blast with a nun and that even celibate women can show you a good time. Six learned that it’s okay to be a little bummed at Disney World, and also that if you ride the Jungle Cruise enough you can hook up with the cool guy from school. Blossom’s dad learned that he didn’t need to hide his Elvis impersonator gig because there’s nothing shameful about taking a dumb job if it feeds your kids.

In Full House, Jesse learned that he needed to make quality time for his wife. Danny learned that he was ready to ask another woman to be his wife. Michelle learned that sharing is caring. Stephanie learned that it’s caring to love even those who don’t share. Joey actually did something useful for once and helped Stephanie not hate her sister while everyone else was too busy dealing with their own Disney adventures. We all learned how great the Disney security team is because Michelle had a trusty companion in Snow White literally the entire time she was missing from her family.

“All About Love” by The Party from Blossom

“For the Times” by John Stamos from Full House

Vacation Attire:
These episodes came out about the same time, so you have comparable early 90’s looks to decide between. I can’t find any high quality photos of Blossom from this episode, so I’m going to refer you to this 90’s video supercut, specifically the Full House and Blossom parts.

Integration of Disney Setting: This one just means how much they incorporated the park (or parks) into their episode. So basically, do you feel like Joey/Jesse in the fish tank at the Coral Reef Cafe or Michelle/Stephanie in the parade was like super awesome. Or do you prefer the more chill reminiscing on the Sky Buckets/Helping the cute guy lead the jungle cruise.

I will reveal the results tomorrow evening, so get to voting!

Disney Episode Showdown: Family Matters vs. Full House

We have made it to the first matchup of the semi-finals! As you will remember, Family Matters has taken a trip to Disney World so that Steve Urkel can show of his DNA altering machine. And yes, he needs to bring the entire family next door in order to do so. Laura breaks the machine so that Steve is forced to remain Stefan Urquelle. They nearly get married, but Laura begins to feel guilty about essentially murdering Steve. She only begins to feel this way because Steve’s girlfriend Myra cries about how Steve is gone forever. (Is it cheating if your DNA was technically different at the time?)

Full House is at Disney World because Jesse has a gig at Cinderella’s castle. Becky comes along so that they can spend their anniversary together. Joey comes along so they can do their radio show live from the fish tank at Epcot. The rest of the family comes along just because. Stephanie learns to love Michelle even though she’s a jerk, Michelle learns not to be a jerk, DJ sees Steve everywhere, Steve actually joins their vacation, Danny proposes to Vicky, and Kimmy Gibbler was there.

I think Full House deserves the point for best overall plot. I guess Family Matters had the better plot setup, but it’s weird that Laura just sorta feels bad about breaking Steve potentially-Noble Prize winning machine. The horror is over almost as soon as it began. And I worry that’s more true to life. But Full House still wins because they managed to have good subplots. I think the main plot is Uncle Jesse works too much, but all of the subplots are so good that it’s hard to tell the B’s from the A.

Family Matters had a cute cover of “Kiss the Girl,” but Uncle Jesse still wins this round for his impromptu performance of an anniversary love-ode after he misses his picnic with Becky. That’s one way to get out of a fight. Full House also wins for best integration of Disney setting. The showed so much park property you could almost plan your trip from it. Also, I’m kinda bummed out that these attraction haven’t changed that much in the past twenty years…

But Family Matters still wins best vacation attire. This is mostly because there are too many sweatshirts tied around waists, Vicky’s dress is really ugly, and Becky wears open-toed clogs.

Whereas this is a total class act. Look at those platform jellies and pressed slacks:

Point Break Down:
Full House: Integration of Disney Setting (1 pt) + Music (1 pt) + Overall Plot (2 pts)  = 4 pts

Family Matters: Vacation Attire (1 pt)= 1 pt

Very Special Winner: Full House 

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