Full House: Happy New Year

Joey hasn’t had a date in while, so Danny and Jesse decide to set him up with a lady. Really this shouldn’t be shocking because he’s a grown man who randomly lives in the basement of his friend’s house. On top of that, I’m not even sure that he has a job at this point in the show. But fine I’ll pretend to care about Joey for this episode.

But first, I’m obsessed with Stephanie’s outfit here, so please leave me a note in the comments if you see this jacket in an adult size. Thank you in advance.

Joey spends the afternoon calling everyone he’s been out with that year to see if anyone is free for New Year’s Eve. This is the 1990 equivalent of getting a “hey” text several months later from a guy you regrettably hooked up much earlier in the year and have since forgotten about. NOT that I’m speaking from experience.

Joey — sad that he has no date but apparently unaware of the negative effect his denim shirt with Babar appliqué has on his relationship status — offers to stay home with Michelle and Stephanie on New Year’s Eve, so that Danny, Jesse, and DJ can go to parties. This prompts Danny and Jesse to find Joey a date. This also marks the last point in the episode in which there is any semblance of ethical or personal boundaries between these three grown-ass men. Should be a fun episode!

The two of them decide to sign Joey up for a video dating service without him knowing. To trick him into sitting for the video, Danny calls Joey up to the attic, where Jesse has hidden a secret camera in an ad for toothpaste. (So I guess this is the point in the series where Jesse and Joey are writing jingles. My bad for calling Joey unemployed earlier on.) 

Danny and Jesse act super strangely, which freaks Joey out. He notices they’re “talking to the easel” but doesn’t see the big circular cutout in front of the camera lens. He endures the weirdness just long enough for Danny and Jesse to get what they need on tape. When they come clean, Joey is made for literally two seconds. When Jesse tells Joey there are plenty of women who want to meet him, Joey gets over the massive violation of his privacy pretty quickly.

The prospects aren’t great though. And what follows is a PG version of the club scene from Coming to America. But then we get to Christine’s part of the video. Her friends have signed her up for this for Christmas and she’s kind of skeptical about the whole thing. She seems cool, so Joey invites her over to the house for New Year’s Eve dinner. I mean, I would have told DJ that she couldn’t go to Kimmie’s party, but I guess it’s fine to bring a first date over to dinner when you’re a grown man babysitting…(And just so you know I’m not a total jerk, Joey only agreed to babysit in the first place because DJ wanted to bail on her babysitting plans and go to Kimmie’s party next door instead). 

Unfortunately, Joey’s gotten a little obsessed with the idea of Christine. He’s decided she’s “the one” based on a five second video in which she said literally nothing about herself. But they do appear to hit it off pretty quickly. She’s even fine with babysitting three kids.Oh yeah, I should mention that Danny’s date also left her son behind for babysitting. He’s creepy and has breath spray even though he’s like eight years old. Please see below: Steph has a pro-tip for dealing with this and I’m happy to share it with all of you – 

Everyone arrives home in time to ring in the New Year, and Joey proposes to Christine. Even more bizarrely, she says yes. They decide to pack and go get married in Tahoe. In the time it takes Christine to go home and pack, they both decide that they don’t want to get married.

Very Special Lesson for the New Year: Eh I mean honestly, it’s just one day. 

The Only Interesting Moments in Fuller House

Don’t watch this. I know I said that I would review al of the episodes, but I can’t. I played it in the background while I did other things. Doing my dishes and catching up on data entry for work were far, far more interesting than paying full-attention to this show.

But there were a few bright spots and I’ll list them all below. You can just read this list and it will be like you actually watched the show because, outside of this list, nothing happened:

      1. DJ became a Mexican Wrestling Champion
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      2. Stephanie gave Danny a sports coat that matched the couch’s upholstery because he is weirdly obsessed with the couch.
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      3. Stephanie can’t have kids. This was a weirdly dramatic moment in a show that is otherwise full of corny jokes. Jodie Sweetin and Candace Cameron Bure did a fine job with the scene, but it felt so out of place with the tone of the rest of the series.
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      4. DJ got a cute new boyfriend. He’s another veterinarian at her practice.
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      5. Harry Takayama guest starred and Stephanie wanted to date him, but then he turned out to be engaged.
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      6. Stephanie dated Hunter Pence from the SF Giants. But she was a jinx. He couldn’t get a hit until she broke up with him (under duress) as the crowd boo-ed her as she attempted to sing “Take Me Out to the Ball Game” during the 7th-inning stretch.
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      7. DJ made out with Steve while dating the cute new guy (which makes no sense because Steve is now a creep and cute new guy is cool). But then Steve was at the Giants game (the same one where the crowd boo-ed Stephanie) and saw DJ kiss the cute new guy on the kiss cam. He freaked out. Cute guy was similarly not pleased.
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      8. There is a cute moment with Steve, Cute Guy, DJ, Kimmy, and Stephanie comenting on a flash back of Steve and DJ at the prom. But it’s like they’re all imagining the flashback as Steve tells the story. I thought that was kinda cute. I love when storytelling mediums mix!
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      9. Steve and the cute new guy kiss. It’s really dumb and an accident but the studio audience loved it. Like there was some serious cheering over the laugh track.
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      10. Everyone does a perfectly choreographed Bollywood dance.
      11. Steve and DJ dress up like their 90’s selves and pretend that they’re Patrick Swayze and Demi Moore in Ghost, except they’re making hamburger patties instead of pottery…it’s every bit as weird as it sounds.
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      12. Joey officiates Becky and Jesse’s vow renewal on inline skates, wearing a hockey jersey, and a holding a hockey stick.
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      13. Jesse hit Mr. Woodchuck over the head with a hockey stick.
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      14. DJ didn’t chose between Scott or cute new guy. And they both seemed okay with it.
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I feel like there will probably not be a season two of Fuller House…but if there is and they FINALLY revive “Girl Talk,” I will cover it. Otherwise, I will most like steer clear.

The Best and Worst of Fuller House’s New Trailer

If you haven’t seen it, check it out below. A LOT is going on.

I think it’s plain to see that this is going to be awful. And I am so freaking excited. But some parts of this look worse than others, so let me go ahead and break it down for you:

The Worst
-Steve. I was excited for him to return to the show, but then I saw him in this preview and I remembered why that episode where DJ breaks up with him on the mountain is so oddly satisfying.
-Kimmy being “stuck in the 90’s.” This better be a one-off gag in a bottle episode because a reboot character being “stuck” in the decade of the original series makes me want to vom all over the place.
-The three boys and one is a baby thing. Yep, I find this “major premise of the show” to be one of the worst parts of the reboot. Not only is this the same number of kids/adults but opposite gender roles from the original cast but they’re all like exactly the same age! Like wtf are the odds that your spouse dies at roughly the same age as your father’s spouse and you just so happen to have an infant and two older children roughly the age of you and your sisters when your mother died. That is NOT a universe I want to live in. I dunno…was that coherent? I just got back from a work even in which there was a surprise round of tequila shots, so I’m not editing for coherency right now…but could they not at least make the kids different ages?? Like maybe one’s a toddler and one’s in high school?

The Best
-Carly Rae Jepsen’s revitalized “Everywhere You Look” theme song. But I’m not surprised. She’s awesome. And “Call Me Maybe” is and will always be my car’s favorite song.
-Stephanie Tanner being a badass. She’s the only one of the main characters who lands all of her jokes in the trailer. Plus, is that a Stephanie Tanner dance performance I see?
-John Stamos. This should come as a surprise to know one. This man is television gold.

I’m on the fence about
-the catch phrases…
I want to gouge my eyes out every time I see Joey do the stupid “cut it out” hand motion. And calling “Michelle” at 5 am EST to yell “You got it dude” into her voicemail is the worst thing I’ve ever heard. But the whole John Stamos/Jodie Sweetin catchphrase exchange was very adorable and it didn’t feel forced at all (ahem, Dave Coulier you can just cut it the f*** out, thank you very much).

The Very Best
-Kimmy Gibler’s earrings at 0:37 and that bacon and eggs scarf at 1:03. Etsy friends, can you hook me up with one or both of these?

3 Things We Learned from the new Fuller House Teaser

With little over a month to go before the big premiere, Netlfix is dropping a few more hints about what the Tanner Family has been up to over the past couple of decades.

-Stephanie has continued to follow her Uncle Jesse’s musical footsteps. Maybe. (You can see Danny carrying a box that says “Stephanie’s Music Fragile.” What kind of instruments fit in that little box and are fragile? Or are her compositions written on fragile parchment paper? Is she only recording on vinyl and wants to be sure no one drops the box? But I replayed this like 22 times and finally heard Jodie Sweetin say, “It’s my rare records.” So maybe she’s not a musician…or is she?)
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-Joey still has that dumb puppet. (Kimmy has a box labeled Mr. Woodchuck and Joey’s like all excited to bring out that godforsaken puppet. Why are they unpacking it? Is Mr. Woodchuck moving in with the Tanner girls & Kimmy? I hope not. Maybe they’re going through the attic while move in? I’m not going to watch Mr. Woodchuck, guys. I will NOT.)
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-Kimmy Gibbler has become a lot more normal. Throughout this entire promo she’s in normal-mom mode. And none of the Tanner-Katsopolis-Gladstone adults seem to mind her like they used to. Is Kimmy all good with the family now or are they just distracted by moving? Will everyone still think she’s annoying except for DJ?

I have so many questions! I don’t know if I can wait until February! I hope this is one of those things that they “accidentally” release early and that I happen to be on Netflix when that happens.

Full House: Just Say No Way

Warning: This may be the most frustrating episode of Full House ever.

DJ gets a date to the junior high school dance with her big crush. This is a super important event for her because she’s also planned the entire dance. When the band she’s booked falls through at the last minute, she get Uncle Jesse to fill in–which means he’s there to witness all of the UNDERAGE DRINKING!

But first, check out this video of Uncle Jesse performing with the only available backup musicians–The Van Atta Junior High Marching Band.

Meanwhile, DJ’s date has been too shy to handle all of the social interaction at the dance. So he’s decided to drink beers with a couple of other boys. He finds that the beers really take the edge off, but this does not impress DJ. She tells them how stupid they are, and attempts to show how ridiculous they look by holding a beer and mocking them.

This is not an effective method of deterring teenage drinking, but I’m sure Nancy Reagan’s “Just Say No” only confused poor DJ and she really believed this was a helpful teaching tool for her peers. Anyway, at that exact moment Jesse walks out into the hallway and sees them. Fine, you think. She’s not drinking it, she’s holding it. He will understand what’s going on here.

But one of those preteen lame-os sprayed DJ with beer when she walked into the hallway! So she smells like beer, is holding beer, and is commenting about the beer to a group of peers. This looks pretty bad. But Uncle Jesse is a trusted adult who understands DJ’s integrity and he will believe that she’s just mocking them, right? Nope.

So Jesse takes DJ home, grounds her, and reports all of this to Danny and Joey. Okay, fine. Joey is such a softy, he’ll know she didn’t really do it. Danny will go upstairs and have a heart to heart with her and then he’ll see the truth, right? NOPE. They all sit downstairs chatting about how earlier kids start experimenting and how they can’t believe what she’s done. Then she gets the lecture a kid who has been drinking deserves–only she didn’t do anything except be in the wrong place at the wrong time.

Literally no one in this loving, supportive, you can always talk to me family believes a single word DJ says except her little sister, Stephanie. DJ has been crying her eyes out for like eternity because no one believes her, so Stephanie marches downstairs and says her big sister is crying in the way that you only cry when you’re wrongfully accused. And suddenly every adult is like: whoops.

Meanwhile, DJ has gotten Kimmy’s mom (Kimmy has parents who are actually involved in her life at this point) to drive her back to school so she can get Kevin to explain to her father what really happened. For some reason, Jesse and Danny need only this twelve-year old child–a relative stranger to them–to corroborate DJ’s story in order for them to believe her. Ugh. So then Jesse is all like sorry DJ, I just know that alcohol has really messed up some of my friends and I totally took that out on you because I love you so much. And DJ is all like yay you trust me again and you were just worried!

Very Special Lesson: It’s okay if someone totally ruins your relationship by calling you a liar and a juvenile delinquent. If they apologize, then you can go back to your loving trusting relationship with absolutely no residual resentment.

Fuller House Plot Ideas

You may have heard by now that Netflix is definitely producing a sequel to Full House, in which D.J. Tanner “Fuller” is a single mom of two kids with another one on the way. One of her children is named J.D. because apparently those Tanners are obsessed with the letters D and J. Will they call him “Jeed” like they called D.J. “Deej”?

To make things even more depressing than losing a spouse with three youngsters, D.J. loses her spouse while pregnant. This of course means that her sister Stefanie and her bff Kimmy Gibbler (also a single mom) have to move in together in one San Francisco home! It also may mean that it’s bad luck to get pregnant with a Tanner thrice. It may mean you’ll die tragically.

Since I’ve been reviewing a lot of Full House very special episodes over the lifespan of this blog, I feel that this entitles me to predict a few episodes.

Episode 1.1: DJ is totally bummed that the father of her 2.5 children has passed away, leaving her with nothing but a victorian home and broken dreams. So she invites her sister and bff to move in. I mean it worked her her dad when he tragically lost his spouse, right? Except Kimmy and Stephanie don’t get along and neither do the kids. And it’s so zany! Everyone divides the house into their respective area where no one else is allowed. Maybe they use a lot of masking tape to demonstrate these boundaries. But at the end of the day they realize they’re all from broken families just trying to make it together in this cruel, unpredictable world.

Episode 1.4: Uncle Jesse and Aunt Becky guest star. We thankfully do not see their obnoxious twin children. Uncle Jesse gives Stephanie a pep talk about her struggle to become a professional singer. Stephanie realizes she was at her best when performing with her archenemy Kimmy. The two overcome their differences and decide to reform Girl Talk only to discover at their first rec center concert that the crowd thought they were seeing DJ Gregg Gillis aka “Girl Talk.”

Episode 1.12: Kimmy’s teenage daughter tries [insert controlled substance here] for the first time and all of the adults sit her down for a big talk. The message really hits home though when it turns out that neurotic youngest child Max really looks up to her and is disappointed by her actions.

Episode 1.17: Steve Hale has moved back to San Francisco and is looking to date D.J. again. Even though she lives with two other adult women and 3 children and is pregnant. But D.J. just isn’t sure she can handle it all!! Their on again/off again romance continues into the 21st century.

Episode 1.22: In the first season finale, D.J. gives birth to her dead husband’s child. The entire Tanner family rushes to be by her side, including youngest Tanner, Michelle–who has been recast by a nondescript blonde actress who we never see again. D.J. asks her to get her some ice while at the hospital and recast-Michelle says, “You got it dude,” to the tune of a laugh track. Due to poor audience reception, this is the only time we will see recast-Michelle and she will be “put on a bus” for the rest of the series.

Like when they tried to replace Jan in The Brady Bunch Variety Hour.
In other reboot news, this is happening. Just accept it. Everything is being rebooted. Is this a sign of the apocalypse?

Breaking News: Full House Revival!

We interrupt regularly scheduled programming to inform you that TV Guide is reporting a Full House revival a la Girl Meets World (but hopefully 75,000 times better). All of the original cast members are attached to the revival except for Lori Loughlin (Aunt Becky) and unsurprisingly Mary-Kate & Ashley Olsen.

What do you think they’ll do about the Michelle’s absence?
–Another freak horseback riding except this time she did not fair so well?
–Will they go meta and explain her estrangement from the family by saying she’s too busy with her burgeoning fashion career to hang out in a San Francisco row house? 

Or if Michelle does show up, how will they explain that? MK & A cannot play the same character these days. They look vastly different from one another!
–Will they recast?
–Maybe Michelle has an alter-ego that we only see in dream sequences. If so, who will be the main Michelle? Mary-Kate? Ashley? Oh who am I kidding, neither of them will ever sign on for this.

I also hope that Uncle Jesse’s children are not involved. Those kids were SO annoying. I wish he and Aunt Becky could have simply been childless. There were enough kids in that house already and that attic was way too small for a family of four.