Sabrina, the Teenage Witch: Christmas Amnesia

Sabrina’s aunts are like ridiculously into Christmas. They’re wearing some pretty intense Christmas garb and acting even more peculiar than normal. But Sabrina’s cranky about Christmas. She gets frustrated with the lights and would rather use magic than deal with decorating by hand.tumblr_mxvld8zhm71rijmvyo1_400

Sabrina’s aunts decide to engage her in a myriad of Christmas activities in an effort to make Sabrina more festive. But with each thing they try, she only gets less and less spirited. So finally they let her go to a party at the coolest club in the other realm on Christmas Eve. She’s such a grouch they decide to just spend Christmas Eve dinner without her.

But it turns out the other realm party is really creepy and awful. The only reason Sabrina was invited is that she is anti-Christmas spirit. The people at the party are throwing darts at a board with Santa’s face on it and watching a TV showing people celebrating Christmas.

That’s when things get really creepy. They zero in on Sabrina’s aunts eating without her and decide to make it even “more pathetic” by tricking them into thinking Sabrina came home for dinner, but then she of course doesn’t show. Like how creepy is that if witches can just watch each other? Like do they watch each other in the shower? Ick.

Sabrina is so disgusted that she rushes home to celebrate with her aunts. But when she gets there, she finds that she has erased Christmas entirely. (She turned off the TV and accidentally hit “erase” prior to leaving the other realm party.) Side note: Salem once destroyed the holiday “Bobunk” in much the same manner. What’s Bobunk? Exactly.

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Sabrina tries to save Christmas by spreading Christmas cheer to everyone. And it turns out that Christmas is actually pretty creepy if you don’t know the traditions.

For example, Sabrina gets arrested when she dresses up as Santa and yes all a random child in a department store when she doesn’t sit on her lap. She also sounds like a nut because she keeps walking around singing Christmas carols but like they just sound like jibberish to everyone else…

But when she and her aunts get snowed in, Sabrina realizes “all the hoopla of Christmas isn’t as important as spending time with your family.” Whoops, the spell is reversed!


Very Special Lesson: Actually, I’m not sure what they were going for her. Sabrina didn’t like “the hoopla of Christmas” so it’s not like she was overly materialistic and needed to learn the “true” meaning of Christmas. She already spends a ton of time with her aunts and obviously never wanted them to suffer…oh wait yeah I guess she wasn’t supposed to skip Christmas Eve Dinner. So yeah. Have dinner with your loved ones and skip the crappy party instead.


Sabrina, the Teenage Witch: Love Means Having to Say You’re Sorry

Harvey and Sabrina are on the rocks (she kissed Josh from the coffee shop) so she’s not going to be able to spend Thanksgiving at his house this year. Since they are broken up, Harvey suggests that they return all of the stuff that they’ve accrued from each other over the years.


Salem is surprisingly upset about all of this. He sobs while Sabrina combs through her stuff looking for things that belong to Harvey. (He was expecting to be Harvey’s best man at Harvey & Sabrina’s wedding.) When Hilda and Zelda see the awful sad-fest going on in their home, they decide to prepare a Thanksgiving meal (a holiday witches do not celebrate) for Sabrina.

But the next day at school, Dreama (geez, did Sabrina have a different friend literally every school year?) notices that Harvey saved a framed picture of Sabrina and is keeping it in his locker. Meanwhile, Zelda and Hilda are freaking about about having to stuff a turkey. I don’t blame them. It’s horrifying.


(FYI witches have to prepare Thanksgiving meals by hand, as they are discouraged from celebrating Thanksgiving.) But they find a loophole. They conjure up some pilgrims to cook for them!


Sabrina’s decided to try a “forgive and forget” spell to get back with Harvey. But he literally forgets everything–who she is and who he is. So she tries a series of other spells based on cliche phrases. They all backfire horribly.

Having discovered that Hilda and Zelda are witches, the pilgrims tie them up and try to burn them at the stake. But they’re witches, so they quickly get out of that mess. Realizing that they do not have the upper-hand hear, the pilgrims agree to cook dinner in exchange for safe passage home.


Sabrina finally figures out that the best way to fix her relationship with Harvey is to go back and time and stop herself from ever kissing Josh. But when she tries that and she and Harvey still are broken up, her aunts tell her that this means her break-up was “meant to be.”

But then they run into each other in the hallway and Sabrina apologizes for bumping into Harvey. And then they end up apologizing to each other for like hours about everything that went wrong in their relationship.

Very Special Thanksgiving Lesson: In case you didn’t notice, this “apologizing” thing is what Harvey and Sabrina needed to do in the first place.

Sabrina the Teenage Witch: A Halloween Story

For witches Halloween is a high holy day, obvi. Hilda and Zelda start off the day by singing “Halloween Carols” like “Have a Jolly Jolly Jolly Halloween.” They’re really fun songs and if they were real and had more verses, I would go Halloween Caroling with this material. This is the first season so Sabrina is really lame about being a witch. She’s not even into Halloween.

You can tell that’s a stand-in wearing a wig. MJH’s hair is way better than that.

But it just so happens that Harvey is having a Halloween party. Of course, she wants to go but Halloween is a high holy day, remember? And those are meant to be spent with family. So Sabrina does the only reasonable thing possible: she clones herself so she can be in two places at once. She wants her double to be really friendly and likeable, so she only equips her with phrases like “That is so true”and “I’d love to.”

Double Sabrina goes to Harvey’s party while real Sabrina goes to a Halloween party in the Other Realm. I’d have to say that Sabrina got this backwards and she should have sent the double to the other realms, but Hilda tries to send a double to the other realm and Zelda sees straight through it. So it looks like Sabrina made the right choice.

Or maybe not. Real-Sabrina is forced to sit a the kid’s table with her cousin, Amanda (played by Melissa Joan Hart’s real life sister). Amanda is a spoiled brat who puts people she doesn’t like in jars (with air holes luckily). It doesn’t take long for Sabrina to become her latest victim. Oh yeah and things aren’t going to great for clone Sabrina either. She’s agreed to streak to liven up the party. Clone Sabrina has no problem with this, but I have to assume that real Sabrina will. Harvey tries to talk Clone Sabrina out of streaking, but she can only utter like 3 sentences, so he just walks away confused and frustrated.

But Sabrina does get a cool gift from her aunts for Halloween. (It’s basically like Christmas in the witch world, I think.) She gets something called a “reanimation” and is allowed to spend 30 minutes with the deceased-person of her choice. Kinda creepy sounding, I know. But she chooses her grandmother and her grandma looks lovely and normal and not at all corpse-like. It’s really a sweet concept.

After they get home from the family party, Sabrina decides to skip the rest of Harvey’s party and stay-in to read letters from her grandmother instead. But Salem warns her not to “leave a double running around.” Sabrina gets to the house right at the same time that Clone Sabrina is streaking, which leaves everyone in the party thinking that Libby is the streaker (since she’s outside with Clone Sabrina). Libby is a jerk, but I kind of do feel bad for her here.

Halloween Lesson: Don’t suggest that other people streak unless you’re willing to do it yourself.

Sabrina the Teenage Witch: Soul Mates

Sabrina wakes up on the morning of her wedding with cold feet. They’re frozen in blocks of ice. She admits that maybe she’s a little anxious because most of her family can’t be at her wedding and she kind of wishes that Harvey could be there (but he can’t because it’s too weird). Things are clearly not fine even though she promises that they are.

But her cousin Amanda (played by Melissa Joan Hart’s real life sister) is there and soon her Aunt Hilda arrives too. Aunt Hilda brings Sabrina’s mom disguised as a lama as a wedding present. She’s recently been liberated from the ball of wax due to some unexpected leniency from the witch’s counsel. Then Aunt Hilda presents Sabrina with a candle. Her Aunt Zelda has agreed to be wax in place of Sabrina’s mom for the duration of the wedding.

Sabrina returns to her room to get ready with renewed confidence. But she finds doubt sitting on her bed. Sorry, that’s Doubt with a capital D. He’s a person and he’s brought her fiancee Aaron’s soul star. He believes Sabrina is doubting that she and Aaron are soul-mates and he hoping this will help. But they only way to tell if they’re soul-mates or not is to see if their stars fit together. Doubt didn’t bring Sabrina’s star to her (jerk) so she has to go to the North Star to get it.

The soul stars almost fit together, but not completely. And try as she might, Sabrina can’t get them to fit. So she and Aaron have a talk, and he tells her he doesn’t really think life guarantees soul-mates but that they love each other and will try to make each other happy. This convinces Sabrina to go ahead with the wedding.

Just as she is about to walk down the aisle, she realizes she is still wearing a bracelet that Harvey gave her seven years prior with the exact time they met engraved in the band. How could you not remember you were wearing your ex’s gift throughout the entire duration of your engagement, Sabrina??

Sabrina shows up on her Aunt Hilda’s program and asks to speak to her and Mother Spellman STAT. They try to walk down the aisle as discretely as possible, but Sabrina’s stupid friends leave the alter to join the chat too. This is such a nightmare. Sabrina starts bemoaning the fact that the universe has been against this relationship from the start, and her mom and aunt tell her that she’s the only one dooming it to fail. They tell her to listen to what she really wants.

Sabrina decides once again that she will marry Aaron. Only, she can’t make it through her vows. So she breaks up with Aaron at the alter while her friends hide them behind her veil. As Sabrina leaves the church, she sees Harvey sitting on his bike with his soul star (retrieved by Amanda from the North Star). She runs up to him and they start making out, apparently not concerned by the fact that the man she jilted moments ago is just inside the door with all of his friends and family.

Luckily, it’s only Sabrina’s family and friends who end up standing on the church steps to see Harvey and Sabrina fit their soul stones together and ride off into the sunset (err, midday sun…) right at 12:36 exactly.

Very Special Lesson: If you wake up in the morning with cold feet. Stop there. Don’t ruin the day for everyone.

Disney Episode Showdown: Sabrina the Teenage Witch vs. Full House

So next time I do a bracket challenge, I should probably figure out how to seed these show because Full House won by a landslide. You could probably expect that Full House would win heavily against any first round competition. After all, it did beat out The Brady Bunch in a controversial upset to become the Champion of Vacation Episode Champions.

Sorry Sabrina, but what can I say? First of all, Sabrina took place entirely in Animal Kingdom and the Coronado Spring Resort, whereas Full House went to every park (in existence at the time of the episode) and featured both the Grand Floridian (where the extremely wealthy San Francisco denizens spent their vacation) and The Polynesian Resort (where Michelle hosted a Luau of sorts). It was no contest for integration of setting on this one.

The plot of Sabrina (while much better than that of Roseanne and about on par with Family Matters) revolved around a single task, whereas Full House had tons of subplots and moving parts. That is what they do so well on vacation episodes. That is why this is the team to beat. But I do believe it’s possible. Or do you think they will become double vacation episode title holders?

Sabrina has to go to the Animal Kingdom in order to take a test for her witch’s license. She has to turn her self into an animal with a potion and then also be able to turn herself back (with another potion). I imagine this task would be difficult without thumbs, so I was curious to see how this would play out. But her friend with the straight hair (not curly-haired girl from season 1) and Libby accidentally get the potion instead. So Sabrina has to rescue them and still manages to pass the test, which is stupid because she didn’t actually complete the task at hand.

The best part of this episode is that you get to watch Harvey be the safari tour guide. Aunt Hilda zaps him into that role to get him away from Libby (because apparently Harvey is totally untrustworthy?) Oh yeah, Hilda and Zelda are there as chaperones, but they spend almost no time at all with the kids. They’re the kind of chaperones who would let your kids lose their virginity in a maintenance closest behind the tree of life or walk around in the animal-only areas. Real winners. Actually, yeah the second one does happen. Poor, Martin Mull is the only one trying to keep these kids in line! And apparently there are also no Disney staff members around, which I find to be the least plausible part of all of this. Even less plausible than the witchcraft.

Full House features a bossy/bratty/still sweet Michelle winning a contest to become “Princess for a Day,” which she was only able to do because she cut in front of Stefanie in line. This grants Michelle the ability to have a series of wishes granted to her by the Disney Parks. She also gets to ride in a parade. And there are posters at every park and hotel declaring her the Disney Princess. This is ridiculous and I would like to subtract points for it, but overall the show has a better plot than that of Sabrina. There’s just no way that Disney World (who wants to make EVERY kid feel like  princess/prince/pirate/magical creature/personified rodent/etc would ever publicly display everywhere in the park that they had a regular kid just like you to lord over you for a day on your expensive vacation. Speaking of vacation, the reason for this trip is that Jesse is taking a working-vacation with the family. His band, Jesse and The Rippers are playing at Cinderella’s Castle.

I love John Stamos, but there’s no way they are Cinderella’s Castle level entertainment. These guys would be lucky to the get the stage near Canada at the World Showcase. The only Jesse and The Rippers performance I have ever enjoyed was the time they covered “Hot Child in the City” on Wake Up, San Francisco! But I can’t find that anywhere on the internet, so I am starting to worry I invented that memory. But this episode does win in terms of music, not for the band (or for the fact that Sabrina doesn’t really have music) but rather for the fact that Jesse sits down at the piano in the Grand Floridian lobby and beckons Becky to watch him doe-eyed from the balcony even though he’s been too busy working to spend time with her. He’s like some Greek-Romeo/Bryan Adams combo and it’s incredibly effective.

Other notable plot points include:
Danny proposes to Vicky using Fireworks at Magic Kingdom. Stephanie deals with loving Michelle even though she is an asshole. Michelle becomes less of an asshole. DJ/Kimmy/Stephanie lose Michelle and she’s rescued by Snow White. DJ thinks she sees Steve everywhere, which means that actor gets cameos as Indiana Jones and most princes (extra cool since he really was the voice of Aladdin). Then he shows up at the Grand Floridian to surprise her! (Remarkable for someone struggling to save for college.) Joey and Jesse do their radio show from the tank in the Coral Reef restaurant. (Still don’t see the point of having a radio show in a cool visual location.) And we barely see twins, Nicky & Alex, thank God!

Sabrina does have them beat on fashion though. Melissa Joan Hart is rocking some cool late-90’s checked pants and pigtail braids. God, I miss pigtail braids.

Point Break Down:
Sabrina, the Teenage Witch: Vacation Attire (1 pt)  1 pt

Full House: Integration of Disney Setting (1 pt) + Overall Plot (2 pts)  + Music (1 pt) 4 pts

Very Special Winner: Full House


Sabrina the Teenage Witch: Murder on the Halloween Express

Poorsabrina Sabrina, she can’t find anything fun to do for Halloween. Luckily, Salem has a brochure for a Halloween train ride, and Sabrina decides to take her friends along for the ride. Unfortunately, none of her friends are interested in going because they think “whodunit” mystery games are lame.

It turns out that they are not wrong. The train is super run down and lacks heat. It also turns out that the train is actually an Other Realm express train, and the only way Sabrina can stop her friends from reaching the Other Realm is to solve the mystery as quickly as possible. Also, it is suddenly the 1920’s and everyone has on really cool costumes.

Sounds easy enough, right? Wrong, Sabrina cannot even win a game of Clue. And in a Groundhog Day twist, she has to solve the mystery or be forced into repeating the exact same series of events forever. Luckily, Sabrina’s aunts and her trust cat, Salem track down the train ansabrina2d climb aboard. Then Salem solves the murder, Sherlock Holmes style. And in a surprise twist ending, Sabrina (the detective) is shocked to learn that Sabrina herself is the murderer.

At the end of the episode everyone is super sleepy and has no memory of the night. Only Harvey guesses that this night had something to do with witchcraft and he keeps it a secret from everyone else because he is her one true love and ugh I hated when she dated Josh.

Halloween Lesson: Don’t go on trips without figuring out where you’re going first.

Boy Meets World: The Witches of Pennbrook

Screen Shot 2014-09-09 at 9.54.02 PMDJ from Full House moves in next door to Jack and Eric, and Eric pretty much instantly dislikes her. She’s not DJ in this though; she’s a creepy witch named Millie. Only Eric can see her true nature, and she decides to drive a wedge between him and Jack. When Eric sees her conducting an evil ritual on the balcony, he forces Jack to choose between him and Millie. He chooses Millie and informs Eric that she is moving in with them.

Jack finds out that Shawn thinks Millie is a witch too. But Shawn thinks everyone in the coven is cute, so he’s okay with it. Jack confronts Millie and she admits to being a witch. Jack is all like “woah I’ve never dated a witch before” instead of being like “woah what the hell, when did I enter the twilight zone?”

bmwEric goes to see Mr. Feeney and asks to stay with him because Jack’s girlfriend is an evil witch. But in talking to Mr. Feeney, Eric realizes that he is upset not because satanic-DJ has moved into his apartment, but rather because he thought Jack was his best friend and he is starting to think they are just roommates. Mr. Feeney encourages him to tell Jack how he feels.

Jack gets creeped out at the Witch-Coven-Halloween-Party happening in his living room. He tells Millie that he wants to break up and she reveals that she is not Millie, she is infact “Uskar Queen of Malevolence, Daughter of Evil” and that she is only dating Jack because she needed to use his balcony for her ritual. Luckily, Eric shows up in time to save the day with a counterspell form “Witchcraft for Dumb-Dumbs,” and manages to survive a lightening strike due to his use of SPF 45.

Oh and also Eric ends up dating Sabrina. That’s awesome. I wish we had seen more of that relationship.

Halloween Lesson: Bros before witches.Screen Shot 2014-09-09 at 10.09.47 PM

Eight Days a Week

I know I said Halloweek would start tomorrow, but then I watched the Sabrina the Teenage Witch reunion, so surprise, I’m posting today!

Melissa and Joey: Witch Came First

JOEY LAWRENCE HAS BLONDE HAIR? WHAT? This is starting off very poorly.Screen Shot 2014-10-23 at 1.21.38 PM

However, Beth Broderick has the most soothing voice ever, so I’ll deal with it. Beth Broderick (a.k.a. Aunt Zelda) shows up at Melissa’s house and tells her that she’s not really a gynecologist (Mel thinks she is her gynecologist). It turns out that Mel grew up in the other realm under Dr. Raddler’s care, but Dr. Raddler put her under a spell in the mortal realm to save the other realm from the dark lord.

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Unfortunately, the Dark Lord has risen and Mel needs to use her special powers to protect the other realm. Dr. Raddler gives her a sparkly cell phone called a “Spell Phone” that has an “Ebook of incantations.” Mel has a bit of trouble using her powers until some blond girl (who I think is her daughter and is named Lennox) complains that her costume is not cat-like enough. Mel wishes that she was the most realistic cat ever and turns her into an actual cat kind of like Salem.

The dark lord shows up in Mel and Joey’s house in the form of a possessed animatronic halloween doll. Even though Mel is still figuring out her powers, she is so powerful that she manages to disarm him. Joey also strong arms him and then they argue about who really defeated him. 

In the meantime, Joey has accidentally chased Lennox off the lawn (she had to pee) so Mel goes outside to look for her. When he tries to move the dark lord’s corpse, Joey becomes possessed by the dark lord. Did you guys know that you can say bitch on ABC Family now? I learned that you can because Mel calls Joey (the dark lord) a bitch when he throws a butcher knife and ruins her custom maple cabinets.

Screen Shot 2014-10-23 at 1.29.38 PMLuckily, Mel has managed to turn Lennox back into a human kind of (she looks like one of the cast members from Cats but that costume is her actual body). Lennox has the answer to their problems. She tells Mel that all she has to do to kill the dark lord is tell Joey that she loves him. (The power of love, duh.) The Joey kind of but not really dies because he says that he and the dark lord cannot both live, but Mel revives him with a kiss. Then she decides to lose her powers forever so that she can live in the mortal realm with her family. Aw. Love.

Very Special Lesson: I expected this to suck and it didn’t. Woah! Happy Halloween, guys!

News Flash: Sabrina The Teenage Witch Returns Tonight!

Normally, I don’t read ET but I got lured in by news of Renee Zellweger’s face-change. I get it, her body/her choice, Hollywood’s obsession with a narrow definition of “beauty,” the sexist nature of commenting on a woman’s body, (insert reason why I shouldn’t even be writing this sentence here), but honestly I am just shocked by the transformation. And I am 100% confident in saying that I would be shocked and also googling this if any male celebrity, next door neighbor, or my godmother’s cat underwent such a transformation.

While on the ET website I also learned about how Sarah Jessica Parker crossed a “please don’t stand on stairs” sign at Carrie Bradshaw’s brownstone in order to show off her new shoe line, but that’s not what I’m here to tell you about today. The third and final thing I read on the ET website is that there will be a SABRINA THE TEENAGE WITCH REUNION tonight on Melissa and Joey at 8 pm ET/7 pm CT. This will also be a Halloween episode! Aunt Zelda will be there (no Hilda wahhh major sad face) and also a cat named Warlock, who was the final live-action Salem from the show. The premise will be something along the lines of Melissa has been Sabrina the whole time, but she was put under a spell in order to protect her from the “dark lord,” and thus has no memory of who she really is. I don’t watch Melissa and Joey, so I have no idea if it’s a good show or if this reunion will seriously mess with some continuity, but I think I may check it out tonight. And of course I wanted to alert all of you to the news as well!

ET won’t let me embed videos, so if you want to see the promo then you have to give them a little site traffic.

Sabrina The Teenage Witch: Pancake Madness

If you were a kid in the ’80’s or ’90’s chances are you saw a lot of very special episodes. You know, that 30 minute comedic romp through things that will totally ruin your life forever but it’s okay because we’ve all learned a valuable lesson and will never again drink/do drugs/go on a crash diet/hide our dyslexia? That emotionally driven, powerfully profound vicarious lesson that made you think, “As God as my witness, I shall NEVER give in to that seductive temptress known as peer pressure! I will overcome my insecurities with the support of my family members, quirky next door neighbor, and this laugh track!” Oh you didn’t think that? That was just me? Well, maybe that’s why I love Very Special Episodes from a very special place of my heart.

But enough about me, remember Melissa Joan Hart? Although her classic ’90’s sitcom (no, not Clarissa, the other one) about Sabrina Spellman’s adolescent transition from average girl to amazing witch was typically light hearted in nature, the show opted to deal with a heavier subject matter in this very special episode.


As far as I’m concerned, Melissa Joan Hart wins the ’90’s.

The day starts off calmly with Sabrina attempting to enjoy a hearty pancake breakfast before school. But before she can take a bite, her aunts whisk the fluffy pancakes away and warn her of their highly addictive nature. Pancakes are in fact so addictive to the Spellman family that they cannot even have a single bite without going on a bender. Sabrina, however, cannot resist the temptation of that syrupy deliciousness.


True to her aunts’ word, the addiction overtakes her quickly. In the very next scene, she goes through the trash at school looking for pancake remnants. The resident mean girl, Libby (did anyone else think she looked vaguely like Monica Lewinsky?) comes by and makes a joke about homeless people (comparing Sabrina to a “bag lady”). But this is a very special episode about addiction not about socioeconomic class relations, so let’s move along here people.

“I’m in the mood for pancakes are you holding?”–Actual Quote

At the end of the school day, Sabrina has the shakes. Witches really can’t handle their pancakes. In the middle of the night, she tries to make them from scratch without magic. She needs a fixfat sabrina! At school the next day, Sabrina is totally out of control. She finally loses the remaining shreds of her self-control and binges on stacks of buttery carbohydrates at the pancake breakfast prom fundraiser. Then she ends up looking like Violet from Willie Wonka. Now, that is one scary overdose.

But what really sets this episode apart from most sitcoms that deal with addiction is how it deals with detox and withdrawal symptoms, including a super weird dream about attending a pancake themed high school and hallucinating this terrifying syrup-person.

Sabrina's scary friend
Now, that’s enough to scare anyone straight.

At the end of the episode, Sabrina still craves pancakes but she knows that her friends and family are more important than throwing her life away for some silly old pancakes. She knows that hers will be a lifelong struggle but she’s committed to staying away from the pancake crowd. She even stages a catnip intervention with Salem during the closing credits—wait how did this become the most realistic very special episode of them all?


Very Special Lesson: Just say no (to pancakes)