Saved by the Bell: Date Auction

November 2, 2014February 26, 2016 ~ theveryspecialblog ~ 7 Comments

So we all know how Zack is the perfect most caring, cool dude ever right? Wrong. Zack hates fat people.

Screen Shot 2014-10-21 at 7.08.07 PM Hard times have fallen on the Bayside Student Council and they do not have the money to pay for new cheerleading uniforms. If you doubted that 90’s fashion is back in full swing, then look no further because the dude who suggests that they have a fundraiser for cheerleading uniforms is dressed exactly like no less than fifteen men in my office at any given time.

Zack decides that a fundraiser is a great time to auction of people as dates because you know sex sells. But wait. It’s not creepy. Jessie says that it is creepy, but Kelly and Lisa say it is not creepy. And if there is one thing I’ve learned from Bayside, it’s that Kelly and Lisa make the rules.

At the date auction, no one bids on Slater. That’s because Jessie has threatened all of them.

But then Kelly feels bad for Slater and she pays $10 to put him out of his misery. So then Jessie blindly bids on the next person without even seeing him and it turns out to be Screech.

A girl whose name Zack couldn’t even remember when he tried to flirt with her at The Max bids $75 on him. Gross. But then our very special guest star (Wendy) pays $100 dollars and wins the date! Zack is such a jerk almost immediately, treating her as if being large is some kind of highly contagious form of Leprosy.

But wait! This is a two for the price of one very special episode!

Lisa buys a date with the guy who suggested the fundraiser, but he thinks she is an idiot and that hurts her feelings.

2 women. 1 scorned for her body. 1 scorned for her brain.

Lisa decides to totally change her personality à la Sandy from Grease, whereas Zack constantly ignores Wendy and lies in order to avoid hanging out with her. But Wendy catches him in the lie and decides to go to the dance alone.

So how does Zack learn to stop being such a shallow turd person? Well, he tells Jessie to stop whining about having to go to the dance with Screech because he is a nice person and she will hurt his feelings. Then Jessie is all like woah this is exactly like your situation with Wendy! And Zack is all like omg how have I been so awful?

Zack decides to reconnect with Wendy at the dance, but she won’t have anything to do with him. She’s not interested in dancing with him just so he can stop feeling guilty. (I love this girl.)

Lisa only realizes that her date is a jerk when he insults all of her friends. Agh, too real. But at least she figured it out after only one date.

Finally, Zack tells Wendy that he would really like to dance with her because he likes her. They agree to hang out at The Max after the dance and then we never see her again.

Very Special Lesson: Be nice to the uncool kid once to prove that you are not a jerk, but then you never have to talk to her again.

That 70’s Show: Too Old to Trick or Treat…Too Young to Die

October 31, 2014October 31, 2018 ~ theveryspecialblog ~ 10 Comments

Happy Halloween, Very Special Readers!

Today, I am going to change things up a bit. This is not a show that does very special episodes. I know. You’re devastated. I’m sorry to have disappointed you. But I have a good reason for changing things up today on All Hallows Eve. Today, I bring to you my favorite Halloween episode of all time. That 70’s Show does a perfect homage to Hitchcock in a way that could be genuinely entertaining if you knew nothing about Hitchcock, but (like all good homages) is all the better if you do. For those of you who are not familiar with That 70’s Show, it’s a sitcom set in the 70’s (duh) about Eric Forman and his best friends, who always hang out in his basement. I always liked this show because this felt like a group of friends that I would actually want to hang out with. Everyone seemed cool and like a total loser at the exact same time, which is how I prefer my friend group interactions to be.

But before we get to the plot of the episode, I have to point out the awesome theme song. The regular theme song is remixed to include an ominous pipe organ, while the credits roll across the dashboard like dripping orange candle wax.

Okay now on to the plot! It’s no mystery what the subject matter of this episode is because the writers have Kelso scripted to point it out to the audience in a jokingly meta manner at the beginning of the episode.

So this is the point when things could have been like, “Oh man, they’re just going to make a ton of movie references, agh!” But what instead of being cliche, this episode seamlessly weaves together some of Hitchcock’s most classic works while never losing its own style. You see, it all starts when Fez, dressed as Dr. Frankenfurter from The Rocky Horror Picture Show steals Eric’s bouncy ball, and Eric chases him onto the roof to retrieve it. Eric nearly falls off the roof, but its Fez who gets hurt instead–leaving Eric with some James Stewart-style Vertigo.

Eric’s mom, Kitty, wraps Fez’s ankle in an ace bandage, but he must keep off it and is confined to a wheelchair. Due to the fact that he is so scantily clad, she covers him with an afghan blanket, so now he looks remarkably like James Stewart in Rear Window. Left alone in Eric’s room, Fez and Hyde decide to spy on their friend Donna’s hot mother, but instead they begin to suspect (of course) that Donna’s father has killed her.

But it’s not just the kids who are embroiled in their own Hitchcock-ian thrillers. Kitty has agreed to feed her eccentric neighbor’s birds only to find cages full of crows when she arrives. Sh Screen Shot 2014-09-11 at 9.04.41 PM e opens one of the cages and a crow immediately flies out and into the closed window. Kitty picks up the dead (stunned?) bird, but this only exposes her to the other crows and they seems to collectively label her as their archenemy. She flees the house and bribes her daughter, Lori, to return and feed them. Lori also fails to feed them after one of the birds poops on her. She runs away as well, traumatized.

Meanwhile, back at the Forman home, Kelso sits down to watch some television in the living room with Eric’s dad, Red. Here he foreshadows another reference by mentioning to Red that he has seen the movie on TV before. “See, those Screen Shot 2014-09-11 at 9.11.51 PM guys think Cary Grant’s a secret agent,” Kelso explains to Red, describing the case of mistake identity that drives the plot of North by Northwest. Shortly thereafter, someone rings the doorbell. Red is certain that it is the paperboy, whom he has not paid, and refuses to answer it. Kelso, however, cannot leave a door unanswered, so he goes to speak to the paperboy. He tries to reason with this very surly kid, but the kid insists he pay him. He assumes that he lives in the house and is a member of the Forman family. Kelso tries to tell him that he doesn’t live at the house and that he is not a Forman, but he just so happens to have borrowed a shirt from Eric that has his last name on the back, so now he’s taken on the role of Cary Grant in North by Northwest.

This paperboy is super aggressive, so he begins to stalk Kelso in order to get his $2 payment. This culminates in an altercation with a toy airplane in the Forman’s driveway. That toy airplane just so happens to crash into a painting in the Forman’s garage that looks remarka Screen Shot 2014-09-11 at 9.12.05 PM bly similar to the cornfield that the plane in North by Northwest crashes into. Beaten up by a child, and having ruined his suit, Kelso goes inside the Foreman house to take a shower. While Kelso is in the shower, Lori comes home to wash the bird poop off of her arm and is furious when she finds Kelso using her shower. In a blind rage, Lori attacks him Norman Bates-style but with a back scrubber not a knife. This is a sitcom you guys, don’t worry. However, it’s only when she flushes the toilet that Kelso shrieks Janet Leigh-style and knocks her red tinted shampoo over. Then the camera pans to see the red liquid circle the drain. Lucky, for Kelso his Psycho shower scene ended a lot better than Janet Leigh’s.

Since Lori has been no help to Kitty in the bird situation, Kitty has no option but to return to the spooky apartment on her own and feed the birds herself. However, when Kitty arrives she sees that all of the birds are now out of their cages and ready to kill her. Luckily, there’s a phone booth in the living room, so she dashes inside like Tippi Hedren in The Birds. After screaming in terror, trapped inside the phone booth, Kitty awakes to find that it was just a dream. But unlike most “just a dream” episodes, only the phone booth part was a dream.

What can I say? I like a good homage.

The Fresh Prince of Bel-Air: Hex and the Single Guy

October 30, 2014January 20, 2016 ~ theveryspecialblog ~ 3 Comments

This episode starts off on Halloween morning with everyone chatting about how mopey Hilary has been ever since her fiancee died, and when will she just let it go? I know, right. Hilary is so unreasonable being bummed about the fact that she’s lost the person she’s supposed to spend the rest of her life with. It has been two whole months since Trevor died in a bungee jumping accident, so it is clearly time to move on. It is so like her to be melodramatic and whiney! Thankfully, hope is on the horizon because Hilary has a date! Everyone is so excited for her, until they find out that her date is with dead Trevor. It turns out that Hilary has paid for a seance so that she can talk to her dead lover, and she needs the family to go with her to help her conjure his spirit. Also, Carlton dresses up as his idol, Macaulay Culkin.

At the seance, lead by a medium played by Glenn Shadix of Heathers and Beetlejuice, Hilary decides that the most important thing to ask Trevor where she left her black suede purse. While the medium/Trevor attempts to answer her, Will decides the entire thing is ridiculous and breaks the spiritual chain. The medium tells them that they will have to comeback tomorrow if they want to speak to Trevor again, and Will calls him a fake.

Naturally, the medium curses him and the entire family. No one takes this curse seriously (duh, the guy is a fake) until Uncle Phil gets a phone call and learns that he has been suspended from the bench due to taking bribes. Now, Uncle Phil is an upstanding dude who would never take bribes, but they have proof. The curse strikes again when Carlton’s hair turns into a rainbow color (which could be a by-product of his Macaulay Culkin hair color) and Ashley is attacked by a malfunctioning Tennis ball machine. Oh and also Jeffrey the butler (whose last name is Butler) gets arrested for being an illegal immigrant. When Hilary is about to marry DJ Jazzy Jeff, Will realizes he needs to go back to the medium and set things right.

However, the medium’s house does not seem to be the same as it was before. In fact, the medium does not seem to be a medium either. He is just an average man who has never seen Will and assumes he is trying to rob him (you can take the Fresh Prince out of West Philly…) Then Will cries and shouts at him to “break the hex” only to wake up from a nightmare. Oh my gosh you guys, don’t worry. It is just a dream! Except that Will wakes up and he is reliving the same exact day/dream/what?? This is some kind of transcendental-metaphysical-Groundhog Day shit and Will cannot do anything to change the conversation! But I do appreciate that he names all of the members of New Edition in the exact order that Ralph Tresvant does during the rap portion of “Cool It Now.” Better luck next time Will.

Ronny Bobby Ricky Mike

Halloween Lesson: Do not anger the spirits. Whatever you do, do not anger the spirits.

Full House: It’s Not My Job

October 29, 2014October 1, 2014 ~ theveryspecialblog ~ 2 Comments

It’s Halloween at the Tanner’s! But the only way you would know it is that everyone is in costume for the first thirty seconds of the show when we get to see all of the Tanners in costume.

But it’s a Halloween fake out! I’m certain that the only reason they included any inkling of Halloween in this episode is because it originally aired three days before Halloween. Aside from being forced into witnessing an unbearable three stooges impersonation by Danny, Jesse, and Joey, there is basically no Halloween in this episode at all. So after the opening credits roll, it’s suddenly some inconsequential date in November. It is, however, a very special episode. And thus, I have a journalistic obligation to share it with you,

Jesse has sold his very first television commercial jingle! This one sale gives him the confidence to quit his job at the family exterminating business and pursue advertising/music as a full time career. Jesse’s dad is so pissed that he disowns him. He is literally so insulted b Screen Shot 2014-09-27 at 11.14.40 PM y the fact that his kid won’t take over the family business, that he decides he cannot consider him a family member anymore. I mean I get that some people take the family business super personal, but did he forget that his daughter just died like a year ago and maybe he should not be casting his remaining child off so carelessly like he has dozens of children to spare? Oh well, at least his exterminator jacket has that super cool graphic design of a dead ant on the back of it.

We also, Screen Shot 2014-09-27 at 11.24.55 PM discover that Jesse is twenty-five years old. This is so beyond disturbing. Sure, Uncle Jesse is the cool and hot guy on this show but he cannot be anywhere close to my age. He’s like selling music and raising children and being hot and single and accomplished and how is he only twenty-five???

There’s also a subplot about Stephanie being afraid to go to the dentist. She gets some cold comfort from DJ, who tries to assuage her fears by saying that they are stupid. She says it is normal for littl Screen Shot 2014-09-27 at 11.48.00 PM e kids to have stupid and irrational fears, and that she herself used to have them too. For example, she was afraid of being sucked down the drain in the bathtub when she was a kid. (This is so real. I had this same exact fear!!!) But DJ learned that the fear was unwarranted. And how did she discover that truth? By displaying some seriously sociopathic tendencies and unplugging the drain while baby Stephanie was in the bath. When Stephanie managed not to be sucked down the drain, DJ realized it was a silly fear. But oh my gosh, that is so twisted!

Eventually, Jesse’s mom forces her husband and son to make up by tricking her husband into coming over to the house and holding baby Michelle while Jesse tries to explain his hopes and dreams to him. Eventually, Jesse’s dad agrees to accept him back into the family even though he thinks his hopes and dreams are stupid. But he loves his kid and that is all that matters…right?

Halloween (Adjacent) Lesson: Love your kids for who they are and not who you need them to be.

The Flintstones Meet Rockula and Frankenstone

October 28, 2014October 1, 2014 ~ theveryspecialblog ~ 2 Comments

FlintstoneD Did you know what Halloween dates all the way back to prehistoric times? They also had Let’s Make a Deal, which is how Wilma and Fred win a romantic vacation to Count Rockula’s castle. It’s sort of like if the Flintstones ended up inside a Scooby-Doo castle but Barney Rubble was the only one who was scared of it. And that, friends, is how we begin this thrilling, prehistoric-Halloween special.

At a Halloween-a-goo-goo party the real Count Rockula (who has not been seen for years) appears at the castle and scares off all of the guests, except for the Flintstones and the Rubbles who got tired and went to bed early. Unfortunately, for Wilma she looks exactly like the Bride of Rockula, and the count kidnaps her while Fred is looking for a midnight snack.

Now, Fred and The Rubbles must track down Wilma in the spooky castle, which involves some Mystery Team like antics, such as hiding in barrels next to each other whilst attempting to escape Frankestone (Rockula’s monster). Except, Fred gets stuck inside one of the barrels, which I don’t remember every happening to a member of The Mystery Team. Also, if Frankenstone is supposed to be a play on Frankenstein, then shouldn’t he just be Monster? Frankenstein was the doctor not the monster…but I digress.

Anyway, Fred’s in the barrel, stuck and Frankenstone catches him just as he manages to esc flinstoneA ape. The others flee and Fred is left alone to explain himself. His best attempt at a self-defense is to say that he is moonlighting as a barrel inspector, but Rockula does not buy it. Fred is lucky to have such smart friends because Barney and Wilma decide to scare away a Halloween monster by pretending to be other Halloween monsters. Turns out Rockula is totally scared of Barney dressed as a werewolf. Then Barney ends up being totally scared of Wilma dressed as a mummy (they didn’t communicate their costume plans effectively to one another).

Then the Flinstones and the Rubbles escape to a hidden room like they are Nancy Drew in The Mystery of the 99 Steps, only to have to escape before Rockula finds the spare key, so they discover a secret passage like they are in Clue. But ultimately they have to slide down an elaborate slide like they are in The Goonies before they finally escape the bad guys. So you’re probably wondering why Rockula does not simply turn into a prehistoric-bat and pursue them as they flee in their foot-powered car? Well, Barney fakes him out by pretending to be a rooster, so Rockula quickly retreats to his coffin.

But the Count is so obsessed with Wilma that he flies through her kitchen window later that night and begs her to marry FlintsoneC him. He’s a pretty lame vampire-creature because it seems that he cannot just bite her neck and get it over with. Wilma is such a quick thinker though that she accepts his proposal and then drives him away by throwing a bunch of day to day marriage chores at him. He’s overwhelmed by the thought of driving Pebbles to school, so he decides to leave Wilma alone forver.

Halloween Lesson: You can’t stay up and fly around all night when you’re married.

P.S. I’ve really been feeling the fun facts lately, so here are a couple of cool things about The Flintstones.
–The Flinstones was inspired by the classic, early sitcom The Honeymooners. Jackie Gleason even considered suing the show because Fred Flintsone’s voice sounded too similar to the one he used as Ralph in The Honeymooners.
–There are a few Flinstone theme parks around the world, including ones in Arizona and South Dakota.

Are You Afraid of the Dark?: The Tale of the Twisted Claw

October 26, 2014October 13, 2014 ~ theveryspecialblog ~ 2 Comments

Every time I attempted to watch this show as a kid, I would say to myself, “Okay, I’m really old enough for this now. I can handle it,” and every time I would be totally terrified and feel that there was nowhere safe to escape the banal horrors of middle-class American life. This viewing was no exception. I shrieked at the opening credits just like when I was a kid. But I managed to make it through this entire episode, and I do not expect to have any nightmares. (I’ll have to let you know later about how that goes, but I’m managing fine as of right now.)

The Tale of the Twisted Claw is a modern-retelling of The Monkey’s Paw, and is set on mischief night and the following All Hallow’s Eve. Mischief Night–a prank night on the night before Halloween–is something that I am pretty sure I have only heard of happening in Michigan, but Are You Afraid of the Dark? was filmed in Canada, so I suppose maybe it’s a Northern US/Southern Canada tradition. Basically, these kids are TP’ing some trees and spraying silly string on cars. Which reminds me, how great was silly string?

Screen Shot 2014-09-13 at 3.40.44 PM Anyway, two boys named Dougie and Kevin decide to visit a spooky house where Ms. Clove lives. Just for the record, I’m not sure if Kevin is actually the second boy’s name, but it sound right and so I will continue to use it. The boys ring Ms. Clove’s doorbell and Kevin sprays her in the face with a can of Barbasol. It’s a total dick move that causes her to stagger backwards and break a Ming vase. Then they run away because they are jerks. What they don’t see, however, is that Ms. Clove begins to laugh manically with her face covered in shaving cream, and we as the audience, realize that they are totally screwed.

On the following night, Kevin comes over to Dougie’s house, so that they can go trick-or-treating. There’s a ton of other kids there as well, but you only ever see them in the initial living room seen. They probably didn’t want to have to pay any other child actors, so they disappear immediately after this one group scene. But lucky for us, we are able to catch a glimpse o Screen Shot 2014-09-13 at 3.41.40 PM f one classic 90’s costume–the human grape. You see, the human grape was a popular costume for children of the 90’s with lazy parents, who thought that the best option for a cheap Halloween costume was to stick a bunch of purple balloons on a green body suit and call it at day.

Believe it or not, one of my most vivid childhood memories happened with a human grape at my next door neighbor’s costume party. He was the only kid I knew at the party because for some reason none of our other neighborhood friends were in attendance. And of course he was busy being the cool party host, so I was left alone and friendless. Eventually, a shy little girl who had been hanging back from the party (probably because people wanted to pop her human grape balloons) approached me and said, “Oh Jasmine! I’m so glad you’re here!”

And I was like, “Cool but I’m not Jasmine.” And she said, “Oh haha Jasmine you are so funny!” And I was like “Yeah, but my name isn’t Jasmine.” She looked at me strangely and said, “Come on, Jasmine let’s go over here,” leading me over to the snack table. This girl was totally not listening to me. I explicitly said that I was not Jasmine. But I didn’t know anyone else at the party, so I gave up and decided to just be Jasmine for the party. I mean, she was a Disney princess, and this kid obviously seemed to like the real Jasmine enough to be friends with her, so I ended up feeling super cool and pretty too.

Suddenly, I was this bubbly entertainer and it was great…until my mom came to pick me up. My mom, bastion of truth that she is, took it upon herself to tell the human grape that I was not Jasmine. The human grape gave me this withering look like I had betrayed her by pretending to be someone else. I tried to invite her over to my house to play, but she refused to be my friend because I had mislead her…more like she would not listen to the truth and instead decided to believe that I was lying to her and also maybe she needed glasses.

Okay, okay enough talk of the trials and tribulations of my childhood. Let’s get back to the plot, Kevin suggests to Dougie that they return to Ms. Clove’s house to trick-or-treat. Dougie tries to convince Kevin that this is a ridiculous idea, but Kevin insists that she won’t recognize them because they are wearing costumes. However, he fails to note that only Dougie has a mask.

Ms. Clove seems totally pumped to have some trick-or-treaters and invites them inside for a “special treat.” It is like these kids have never ever heard of strange danger. They follow her inside, so that they can tell their friends how brave they are. Ms. Clove brings out a creepy claw in a music box that plays the Danse Macabre. She tells them not to be freaked out by the shriveled hand-thing in the box because it’s just a wooden representation of a vulture’s claw. She says it’s a g Screen Shot 2014-09-13 at 3.47.47 PM ift for them and will grant them each three wishes. And they’re like cool a creepy claw from a total stranger, so they take it and leave. On the way home, Dougie–who is a major scaredy cat–decides that he has had way too much excitement for one night and wishes that they were done with trick-or-treating. Suddenly, out of nowhere a bike gang of big kids attacks them and steals their candy. The boys deduce that this happened because of Dougie’s wish and the magic claw.

Screen Shot 2014-09-13 at 3.59.19 PM — Casually holding a claw in school. No one cares.

Screen Shot 2014-09-13 at 3.58.42 PM — 90’s mullet.

The following day, Kevin decides to use the claw to wish that he could beat the cool kid in the 600 meter race at field day. The cool kid has the elusive 90’s mullet, rarely seen in the wild. It is calmer than the 80’s mullet and paved the way for the straight long hair that boy bands and teen stars of the late twentieth century would come to favor. Dougie, on the other hand, has a wannabe mullet, whereas Kevin is left with no mullet at all.

Out on the field, Dougie stands on the sideline of the race and notices an ominous tree. What the heck is up with this tree, you might wonder. This remains unclear as the camera repeatedly cuts back to the ominous tree and eventually it seems that the tree is growling.Personally, a growling tree is just about the most terrifying thing I have ever seen. But it turns out that it’s simply a stray dog behind the tree, who then runs toward the racers. The dog never even touches the cool kid. who is leading the pack of runners, but he scares him and the cool kid takes a dive just in time for Kevin to break tape. Unfortunately, the cool kid sustains a broken leg from his fall and the boys realize that the wishes always end up hurting someone.

Screen Shot 2014-09-13 at 4.14.05 PM

Back at Dougie’s house, they try to figure out what to do with the creepy claw. It’s giving them what they want, but it’s hurting people. Dougie thinks that they should come clean to his parents and see if they can help them, but Kevin does not want to give up the power of the claw and wishes that Dou Screen Shot 2014-09-13 at 4.17.56 PM gie would “lose his folks.” Seconds later, Dougie get a call from the police. He freaks out because now people are like literally being murdered by the claw. He decides that they should under no circumstances make anymore wishes. He refuses to even wish for his parents to be okay because something bad always happens and he worries that he will only make it worse. Unfortunately, he wishes that his grandfather were there to help them, but his grandpa is dead. They look outside to see his grandfather’s car pull up to the house. Kevin freaks out about seeing a dead guy and tries to wish him away. In a heated altercation on the Karastan rug runner right in front of the door, Dougie fights him for the claw because he believes that they must stop making wishes.

During the struggle, Dougie realizes they should apologize to the claw for breaking the Ming vase and wishes that it had never happened. The claw disappears in his hand, Kevin’s medal disappears from his pocket, and luckily the person ringing the doorbell is Dougie’s mom. Then she and Dougie’s dad decided to treat the boys to some ice cream. When the doorbell rings again, the boys open the door to find the Ming vase and a note from Ms. Clove that reads only “trick-or-treat.”

Halloween Lesson: Be careful what you wish for. No, but seriously.

Boy Meets World: The Witches of Pennbrook

October 25, 2014October 16, 2014 ~ theveryspecialblog ~ 1 Comment

DJ from Full House moves in next door to Jack and Eric, and Eric pretty much instantly dislikes her. She’s not DJ in this though; she’s a creepy witch named Millie. Only Eric can see her true nature, and she decides to drive a wedge between him and Jack. When Eric sees her conducting an evil ritual on the balcony, he forces Jack to choose between him and Millie. He chooses Millie and informs Eric that she is moving in with them.

Jack finds out that Shawn thinks Millie is a witch too. But Shawn thinks everyone in the coven is cute, so he’s okay with it. Jack confronts Millie and she admits to being a witch. Jack is all like “woah I’ve never dated a witch before” instead of being like “woah what the hell, when did I enter the twilight zone?”

bmw Eric goes to see Mr. Feeney and asks to stay with him because Jack’s girlfriend is an evil witch. But in talking to Mr. Feeney, Eric realizes that he is upset not because satanic-DJ has moved into his apartment, but rather because he thought Jack was his best friend and he is starting to think they are just roommates. Mr. Feeney encourages him to tell Jack how he feels.

Jack gets creeped out at the Witch-Coven-Halloween-Party happening in his living room. He tells Millie that he wants to break up and she reveals that she is not Millie, she is infact “Uskar Queen of Malevolence, Daughter of Evil” and that she is only dating Jack because she needed to use his balcony for her ritual. Luckily, Eric shows up in time to save the day with a counterspell form “Witchcraft for Dumb-Dumbs,” and manages to survive a lightening strike due to his use of SPF 45.

Oh and also Eric ends up dating Sabrina. That’s awesome. I wish we had seen more of that relationship.

Halloween Lesson: Bros before witches.

Walker Texas Ranger: The Children of Halloween

October 24, 2014October 16, 2014 ~ theveryspecialblog ~ 2 Comments

Get ready for some seriously frightening television. I never really watched this show except for when I was with my godfather who lives in the country and likes martial arts (so you can see the appeal). It was my understanding that this was a family friendly show, but this episode is the scariest. It is making me not want to leave the house even though I am an adult.

On this Halloween special of Walker, Texas Ranger a little boy is walking home one day when he hears a kid calling form an abandoned warehouse asking for help in this ethereal voice. Look, I’m already freaked out and if I were a child, I would have probably run away. If I ever heard this, I would probably call 911 on my cell phone, but I get it, the kid is 11 and it’s 1998, so of course he runs into the building. He does not see anyone when he gets in there, so he announces that he is going to get some help. When he turns around he sees a mega creepy dude leering at him with a palm full of chloroform. Ahhhhh

Once the kid passes out a woman with spikey orange hair and black lipstick leads them to a van and then a satanic symbol flashes over the screen.

HALLOWEEN IS ABOUT CANDY AND COSUTMES, RIGHT???

No, you were wrong. It’s about satanic child rituals and Walker, Texas Ranger has a thing or two to tell you about that.

Walker assesses the situation and immediately has his deputy (assistant ranger? is that the right term? I don’t know how rangers work) call the FBI. You have to admire a man who is willing to work cooperatively and share his jurisdiction. The symbol is a pentagram, which Walker immediately identifies as a satanic symbol.

What Walker doesn’t know is that the cult is led by a dude with a scary voice named Lucifer who everyone calls “master,” so he is probably actually the devil.

Of course, the devil is no match for a Texas Ranger, so I’m going to sit back, relax, and watch Walker kick some ass. But this music is super creepy.

Admittedly, the investigation is going a bit slow. The combined forces of the Texas Rangers and the FBI so far have consisted of questioning everyone in town who has had any vague record of satanic activity, including some dude who got drunk on peach schnapps and vandalized a few headstones.

Some seductive lady gives Walker a book on satanic ritual. I’m not really sure how all of that went down because I spaced out, but there was some light jazz saxophone playing in the back so that’s how I know it was seductive.

I went to grab some thin mints from my freezer and when I looked at the screen again Walker and his partner are in a house with blood painting on the wall ewwww. There’s also a motion sensor, which then blows up the entire house, but Walker escapes just in time of course.

Meanwhile, the cult has gotten even more brazen with their activities. They straight up chloroform a girl in her yard and then club her foster mom over the head when she comes out to grab them. They also spray paint a pentagram on the side of the house!

As it turns out, the cult is pulling some Hocus Pocus shit on a super dark level. They’re collecting children for a mass sacrifice on Halloween. This is such a scary don’t talk to strangers message. Why Walker, Texas Ranger, why? I thought you were a family friendly show! I’m not sure why I decided to watch this. I thought Chuck Norris would be funny. Whoops.

I promise my next Halloween post will be Boy Meets World. Nice. Safe. Fun.

Halloween Lesson: Do NOT under any circumstance let your children walk near a deserted warehouse. I don’t think this was a lesson we needed to learn. This is a terrible Halloween special. I’m going to go watch The ‘Burbs.

Something Spooky This Way Comes

October 23, 2014October 10, 2014 ~ theveryspecialblog ~ 3 Comments

Hello Very Special Readers!

I am excited to announce that The Very Special Blog will be premiering Halloweek starting tomorrow. Yes, that’s right! Tomorrow marks exactly one week before good old fright night! So sit back, relax, and enjoy some old school Halloween Specials.

Unfortunately, I don’t have time to include all of the Halloween specials, so I guess we’ll just have to do this again next year.

21 Board Games Based on TV Shows

October 22, 2014October 19, 2014 ~ theveryspecialblog ~ 9 Comments

I knew about a few TV-based board games, but when I discovered that there was a Secret World of Alex Mack game, I wondered what else could be out there. As it turns out there are a ton of board games based on TV shows. I tried to be discerning but I could not pare the list down anymore than these 21 games.

The Secret World of Alex Mack
In this board game, you get to be Alex Mack and use her powers! The object of the game is to “morph” everything from Alex’s backpack to her house without the chemical plant who doused her with GC161 noticing. Because in this game, Alex can’t just morph the whole backpack to her house or morph herself and go get the backpack undetected. Come on, she needs your help!

ALF
Kind of like the Alex Mack game, the object of the ALF game is to sneak through the house undetected by Mrs. Ochmonek. I can’t remember who Mrs. Ochmonek was in the show because I rarely watched ALF due to the fact that he was crass and looked like an ROUS (rodent of unusual size).

The A-Team
OMG I am so confused by this game play description, that I’m just going to leave you with the premise and call it a day. So basically, B.A. Barakus is the focal point of this game, but you cannot play as B.A. (more commonly known as Mr. T.) Since this game is 80’s and corporate, it is about a stolen soda recipe. The recipe is being held for ransom on an island, since obviously there is only one physical copy of this recipe that must be locked away and surrounded by water on all sides. The soda thief is a crafty fellow and he makes a deadly game (the one you are about to play right now on this board!) to keep the A-Team at bay. B.A. has gone ahead of the rest of the team and is already with the recipe, so now you have to find B.A. No, B.A. cannot just leave the way he came in and bring the recipe with him. You have to save him! It’s called the A-Team not the B.A. Barakus show–except he was kind of the entire show, sorry George Peppard.

Cheers
This is one of those board games that is actually just a trivia game about the show, which I always find a little disappointing. But I love Cheers, so oh well. You move around the board and get tokens for answering trivia questions correctly. There’s also something called the “Normie Olympics” which makes the trivia game a little more interesting. If you land on the appropriate space for the “Normie Olympics,” then you can challenge someone to a “flip-off.” In order to win the “flip-off” you have to flip a plastic version of fan-favorite Norm without spilling his beer. If you win the flip-off, then you can take a token from whomever you challenged, which helps you get closer to the five tokens necessary to win the game.

Full House
Everyone moves around the board to different neighborhoods trying to collect character cards for all of the main characters. Once you have a complete set, then you have to race back to Alamo Square and be the first to arrive back at the Full House house.

Happy Days
What do you think of when you think of Happy Days? If you said the Fonz magically lighting up a jukebox, then you win! The object of this game is to impress Fonzie with how “cool” you are. To accomplish this, you must be the first person to obtain enough “cool points” to turn on the jukebox.

Kojak: The Stake Out Detective Game
Just like a real cop, this game puts pressure on you to meet quotas. The person who makes the most arrests wins! Everyone moves cars around the board, trying to solve crimes by collecting cards. A “contact card” gives you your case and then you must collect the other cards to book the criminal. Lollipop not included.

Laverne & Shirley
In order to win this game you must spend the most time on dates. The person who dates the most wins because that’s what making your dreams come true and doing things your way as an independent female means. Duh.

M*A*S*H
The point of this game is to try to get out of Korea and head home. You have to collect a jeep or helicopter and then be the first to reach the finish space in order to get a transfer home. Yeah, it’s a little depressing.

Murder, She Wrote: A Game of Strategy and Pursuit
Every player gets to be Jessica Fletcher, except one is secretly the murderer. This is all rather fitting since I often wondered if Jessica Fletcher was secretly the murderer…either that or the angel of death Anyway, to play this game you have to determine which Jessica Fletcher is actually the murderer. If you are chosen to be the murderer, then you can still win by murdering five witnesses and leaving the game board undetected. So it’s sort of like a bloodier version of Clue.

The Partridge Family
This is a track game like CandyLand but with David Cassidy instead of gum drops. The object of the game is to be the first person to reach the family bus.

Perry Mason: Case of the Missing Suspect
Here’s another television detective game! Everyone moves around the board collecting clues. Each clue card has a point value, and these points will add up to correspond to a suspect. You could have the same number of points as someone else, so you might be going after the same person. In order to win you have to be the first person to bring your suspect to the courthouse. This game, released in 1959, is actually The Game of Dragnet (released in 1955) but with Perry Mason instead of Sergeant Joe Friday.

Saved by the Bell
There are actually two different Saved by the Bell games. The first one is from the 90’s and requires you to be the first person to get thirty points. There a saved by the bell game re question cards with truth-or-dare questions and trivia. You move around Bayside High School and get points for dating Zack and Slater. The other game was released in 2010, and it’s a time travel game back to the Bayside of the 90’s. It’s sort of like a bizarro mystery date. Zack and Kelly tell you who you will date, where you are going, and what you will be doing. The player who goes on the date wins.

Miami Vice
This game is pretty cool in that you get to play as either the Vice Team or the Criminals. If you are a cop then you want to arrest the criminals. If you are the criminals, then you want to get to the drop point before the vice cops show up. Typical, Miami whack-a-mole stuff. miami vice game

Double Dare
This game lets you recreate a little of the Double Dare magic in your own home by doing your own physical challenges with these pretty lame game pieces. There are also trivia cards, of course, and the first team to reach the $250 space wins.

Family Matters
The point of this game seems to be primarily to embarrass your friends. You need to collect the most bow tie cards to win the game and collecting them is as easy as rolling a die. But you can lose bow tie cards if you do not do the Urkel on command. Any player can make any other player do the Urkel at any time.

The Love Boat: World Cruise Game
Every player has a Love Boat pawn. Each person draws a “star” from the pack of cards at the beginning of the game. Then you try to collect the appropriate cards for your star on the cruise and at the ports of call. For example, the star athlete would want sporting cards whereas the movie star would not. The game ends when the first player gets his or her Love Boat to San Francisco (which also gives said player a 500 point bonus). The person with the most points total wins.

Family Ties
Like the iconic opening credits, the point of this game is to pay for all of the family members to have a portrait painted together. Players take on the roles of Keaton family members and each try to collect $100 dollars to pay for the portrait. This requires having the necessary cash and getting everyone in the same spot.

Baywatch
Players get to play as the Baywatch lifeguards. You move around the game board (“the beach”) and collect discs by answering questions, doing physical challenges, and “gambling” (not really sure of the context of this one.)

Charlie’s Angels
Every player has his/her own team of Angels…so basically it’s like every player is Charlie but you are all operating in alternate universes simultaneously. If the Angels in your universe trap the bad guy first, then you win and emerge as the ultimate Charlie. To trap the bad guy you physically surround him with your team’s game pieces.

Clarissa Explains It All
In order to win this game, you need to be the first player to have at least one key and a driver’s license. In order to obtain these things, you move around the game board and answer a series of questions family-fued style (“in a survey of Clarissa’s friends). You also collect rescue cards to be used in the unfortunate event that you land on a crisis space, but don’t worry because there are also spaces that require you to get a snack or just hang out.

I am sure there must be a million more of these games. Let me know in the comments if you noticed any that I missed! Did anyone have any of these games? Were they any good?