In the final installment of Very Special Summer, we travel back to Eastland where Blair Warner has an unexpected visitor. Blair has won the Eastland Fine Arts Award for the third year in a row. Apparently, she’s an excellent artist–even though we have never seen her work. But she’s very anxious about her celebration dinner because her cousin Geri is in town for a comedy show and decides to pay Blair a visit.
Blair is super weird about introducing her to her friends because Geri has Cerebral Palsy. Geri is super chill about answering all of the girls’ questions (since apparently they go to prep school but have never taken science), but Blair is obviously uncomfortable and tells them to stop bothering her cousin. Geri says, “Questions don’t hurt. Ignorance does.” And then the studio audience applauds because this is The Facts of Life and this is the kind of shit we tune in to hear!
It doesn’t take long for the other girls to realize that Blair is in a bad mood because her cousin is visiting, and they call confront her for being so rude. Jo is particularly scathing and says that Blair is “just upset because their’s a Warner out there who isn’t perfect.” It’s obviously not the case, and this blatant jerk-ness was part of what made me not like Jo when she first started on the series. Mrs. Garrett tries to get Blair to admit that she is embarrassed by Geri, but Blair denies that this is the case.
In fact, it turns out that Blair is jealous of Geri. “With her here on my night, at my school, with my friends, everything I’ve worked for just seems so silly,” she says. I mean like woah. I think I could maybe understand where Blair is coming from if she wasn’t already super spoiled and like always the center of attention. Plus, like who gives a crap if large family gatherings focus more on Geri? It’s not like Bliar and Geri are siblings and Blair is like neglected in favor of Geri or something. I feel like being jealous of Geri is just some able-bodied privilege that really disturbs me. But Mrs. Garrett is obviously a lot more understanding than I am and tells Blair that she shouldn’t feel guilty because she’s just being “human.”
Blair doesn’t even show up to her celebration dinner–where Geri is also performing. She arrives late in the middle of Geri’s performance (which just happens to be at the portion that Geri is hoping to perform with Blair like when they were kids). And then Blair stops the act and says “Hey, did you here about the girl who never told her cousin how great she is?” And Geri is all like what…no…? Tell me… And Blair is all like, “I never told you this before, but I think you’re terrific.” And then like dammit in spite of myself I teared up!
Blair really was a snot, but this was what made her so cool in the first couple of seasons of this show. As disgusting as her behavior was, it’s probably a pretty realistic portray of even the “ugly” feelings that we humans sometimes possess and don’t like to admit to. And she ended up genuinely doing the right thing at the end. I guess maybe she’ll still be a little jealous at Thanksgiving, but that’s not Geri’s fault and having a good relationship with her should maybe make that a little easier.
Very Special Lesson: If you show up late to your awards banquet, then you’d better put on a pretty good show to make up for it.
Harriet finds a love note that fell out of Eddie’s pants pocket and she shares it with Carl. It says “Eddie, we were foolish to wait. Last night was so special, and now I want us to share this experience as often as possible.” This is literally the worst thing I could ever think of my parents finding and reading. Even now, as an adult and non-teenage person, I would gouge my eyes out if they found a love note in my pants pocket. Well, actually I would be like “what are you doing in my pants pocket and why did you read that?”
And suddenly, the entire Tanner family is transported to Brooklyn. Even the guy they yell at for littering seems like he’d be more comfortable in Bay Ridge than by the Golden Gate Bridge. We cut away to Kimmy babysitting the twins, and then cut back to what looks like a D train going through a tunnel. Then the train stops due to an electrical problem and Jesse freaks out that he’s going to be late for his commencement. I mean, I think he should be more freaked out by the fact that he left Gerard Street ten minutes ago and somehow ended up in the Bronx, but you know, to each his own. And more importantly, what’s up with this 6 Diamond and how did the Tanners get to the east side? Just a couple of years in New York City ruined all establishing shots of public transportation for me.
So it turns out he will totally miss his graduation, and he’s really upset because now all of his teachers will think he’s still a screw up and blew the whole thing off. Some punk kid overhears him talking to Rebecca and tells Jesse that dropping out was the best thing he ever did. He asks Jesse for spare change and says that begging on the subway–er, Muni–is way better thanreading books by dead guys. And Jesse’s all like “I know who you are and where you’re going. You know where that is? That’s nowhere.” Um okay that’s a bit presumptuous for someone you just met on the train.
So then the punk kid is all like “school is hard.” And Jesse is all like “life is hard, man.” Jesse sits him down and gives him his valedictory speech. So then the whole subway yells at him to go back to school. And some man plays Pomp & Circumstance on his saxophone and Jesse bows in front of everyone. And that was all it took to get that dude to want to go back to high school! Wow! Why don’t we all make speeches to strangers on the subway! It seems like they totally listen and are grateful for your invasively wise words.
Cory is soooo excited for Valentine’s Day. He’s putting a lot of pressure on the day because the previous year he cheated on Topanga with Linda Cardellini, and they broke up. But his mom is super pregnant with baby Josh, so Topanga has taken it upon herself to be helpful to the entire family–not just Cory. This messes up his plans and he gets really whiny. They’re about to have a gender-divided Valentine’s Day until Cory insists on throwing the baby shower Topanga offers to host for his mother. This family is pretty enmeshed, guys.
Topanga thought it was appropriate to buy Mrs. Matthews a sexy nightie and talk about how good she’ll look after the baby is born–so good in fact that Mr. Matthews will get her pregnant all over again. Morgan sits next to her mother and somehow manages not to barf. Then she gives her baby sweater to her mom for the new baby and is all bummed out that she’s not the baby anymore. Amy promises to spend more time with Morgan until the baby comes and then she immediately goes into labor.
In the waiting room, Cory keeps trying to tell Topanga that there’s nothing in the world more important than their love and that is why they are getting married. Bleh. Anyway, Alan comes out and tells everyone that the baby might die and they all look horrified. It is awful. And then the episode ends. It’s not technically a 2-parter, but I’m not going to leave you hanging.
Then Corey says, “I don’t like it that you’re not Topanga anymore,” which is kind of mean, honestly. Topanga goes home and talks to Angela. She tells her about that time in the sixth-grade when she danced around and put lipstick no her face, and somehow feels that’s when Cory fell in love with her. They’re all at the hospital and Cory is still mad at Topanga for somehow failing to magically fix reality, and luckily Shawn shows up. (He’s been away searching his soul or something.)
With Shawn and Topanga by his side, Cory is finally ready to go talk to baby Josh in the incubator. Then they all give this baby a pep talk about how he has to live because he is breaking their hearts. Shawn gives the most inspiring speech of all. He tells Josh that they have the best family of all and they don’t need to go anywhere else to find it. He wants Josh to get better so that they can have fun and make new memories.
We open the episode with the Brady’s auditioning to sing on a television show. They get the spot on the show, and–even better–they’re spotted by an agent. They’re super excited about getting representation, and Greg goes down to her office to make a deal for the group. But as it turns out, they’re only interested in Greg. It’s just like when Michael Jackson didn’t need his brothers as a kid performer, but his brothers needed him so he stuck with the band–except Greg doesn’t do that. He accepts the solo deal. The other Brady kids are devastated.
But Alice tells them that they’re kind of being jerks to Greg. The agent didn’t want the rest of them, and it’s not fair for Greg to miss out on a great opportunity just because some record agent thought he was better than the rest of them. So they apologize to Greg and wish him well. The Brady’s are such nice kids. They resolve things so quickly and so easily. Part of the deal is that Greg has to perform as “Johnny Bravo.” And Cindy promises to start his first fan club.
Meanwhile, the Brady parents freak out over Greg’s future. They want him to go to college, but they don’t want to force him. They’re hopeful for his music career, but realize it’s very hard to succeed in the business or have any kind of lasting career. But Greg ultimately decides not to go to college, and heads back to the record company.
The girls have just returned from summer vacation and all of them have been busy talking to boys except for Tootie. Blair has brought back a couple of bottles of wine from her trip to France, but they hide it from Tootie because she is still a “child.” They plan to have a little party while Tootie is at drama club, but she walks in on them before they can even start drinking. (They want her to play Captain von Trapp in The Sound of Music, so she quits.) She threatens to report them (because she is dorm monitor for their dorm of 4 people). And they leave to go drink in the laundry room (so cool). For whatever reason, they leave an entire bottle of wine behind. Tootie decides to drink it to “prove that she’s not a child.”
In some incredible dramatic timing, the headmaster shows up for a meeting with Mrs. Garrett. He’s also inspecting the dorm to make sure the “dorm” looks up to spec. Tootie comes down stairs to lock the door, but the headmaster and Mrs. Garrett catch her drunk. She’s about to be kicked out of school (for the second time in like a year. How is this even a question?). Feeling guilty, the other three girls tell Mrs. Garrett where Tootie got the wine. So they should all get kicked out, right? This is the second offense here with the underage drinking and sneaking around. But nooooo. Eastland is the school of 2nd, 3rd, and 4th chances. They’re all grounded for 2 months with no television and no dates (is that not already including as a term of the grounding?) Mrs. Garrett agrees not to tell the headmaster and warns them all that if they ever do this again, “they’re on their own.” Yeah right, Mrs. Garrett.
Carl get electrocuted by a lamp (after Urkel tells him it’s unsafe). Steve gives him CPR (while also walking the television viewers through the steps, but you should probably take a class before trying this yourself). Also, Steve’s chest compressions are noticeably too shallow, but I’m assuming that’s because he’s doing “CPR” on someone who is definitely not in cardiac arrest in real life. Carl wakes up and feels just fine, except for the fact that he now owes his life to Urkel.
This leads Steve to realize that he doesn’t want their friendship if it isn’t genuine. So he tells Carl to just go ahead and be mad at him for all of the stupid stuff he does (i.e. sit down on a freshly varnished chair, break the whole house, etc.) This leads Carl to berate Steve in a full-on verbally abusive onslaught, to Steve’s glee. That’s pretty awful. Luckily, for Steve, Laura is still happy to have him as a friend. She acknowledges that he’s nerdy and annoying, but he’s still a good friend. And then she kisses him on the cheek!
First things first, Kimmy Gibbler is wearing an awesome jumpsuit and fanny pack combo. I’m sorry that the internet won’t provide me with a bigger picture, but all you need to know is the jump suit is bermuda short length and the fanny pack is carrying invitations for her “surprise 14th birthday party.” Even though it’s November, Kimmy will be having a pool party (indoor pool). So DJ decides to get her beach bod in action out of season.
She’s already really slim so this is ridiculous and all of these trustworthy adults in her life should have told her so immediately. Instead, Rebecca gives her advice on eating chicken without the skin and whole wheat pasta. She’s trying to shed pounds in two weeks, so she gets frustrated with the diet when she’s only lost half a pound after like a second. Uncle Jesse tells her it’s silly for her to be on a diet and suggest the whole family go to the gym for a workout instead. What he doesn’t realize is that DJ decides to not eat a thing for the three days leading up to their work out.
First of all, I’m amazed she even made it to the gym after not eating for three days. I would probably pass out if I went 12 hours without eating–and that’s only if I made it that long without being arrested for committing crimes while hangry. She also, unfortunately, expects results to be immediate. After overdoing it on the bike, she weighs herself only to see no change. So she decides it would be a good choice to overexert herself on the StairMaster instead. But then she gets dizzy and falls over.
Shawn and Topanga are both going away for the summer, which leaves Cory totally depressed. Meanwhile, Eric has been rejected from every single college he has applied to, and is now hoping North Southwestern San Diego State University (NSWSDSU) will accept him off the wait-list. Eric’s hoping to have some quality time with Corey before he leaves home, but Cory resents Eric for only wanting to hang out with him now that he’s leaving. He plans to pack up his room in a week and spend the entire summer road-tripping to California. Like woah. I did not have that much mobility right after I graduated from high school, but more power to you, Eric.
room they’ve shared for fifteen years–and they don’t even know each other. Um. Okay. False. I get that you’re bummed this is happening but I’d just like to point out that Eric has been a pretty amazing brother to Cory: He’s a guest speaker in Cory’s 6th grade class, he makes Cory and Shawn a guide to high school on their first day, and earlier this season they even planned a rave together. So like Cory is just being super whiny and raining on everyone else’s parade because he’s lonely. But then again he is fifteen, so I guess that’s to be expected.
The next morning Cory says goodbye (almost tearfully) to Shawn and Topanga. Eric shows up just after they leave and finds a lonely Cory playing basketball and talking to himself. Cory apologizes to Eric about being a jerk. He also admits to stealing Eric’s college acceptance letter from the mailbox because he didn’t want him to leave. He feels like they’re finally getting to be friends (I guess the rave earlier this season was a real bonding moment) instead of being just brothers. Only, it turns out that letter is a rejection letter, and Eric has nowhere to go.
Eric admits that his expectations were a bit unrealistic, since he slacked off for all but the last few months of his high school career. But Cory encourages him to take a few classes over the summer, and apply again to an even better school. That’s still a major uphill battle for a guy who barely graduated from high school, but that’s not the point. The point is that Eric’s always been the supportive big brother for Cory (even though he’s been whining for this entire episode) and now it’s Cory’s turn to be the supportive one. That’s the first time in this entire 30-minute bitch-fest that Cory has actually demonstrated the kind of friendship that he demands from Eric. Omg. The feels. I think I’m going to cry. But seriously, what other hilarious sitcom is also this real in terms of human emotion. Certainly NOT Girl Meets World. New Theory: Boy Meets World is Cheers for the children of the 90’s. It’s all fun and games and harassment until you really need someone and they’re surprisingly deep.
Then Eric decides that Cory should come on his road trip with him and Amy and Alan bankroll the entire thing because they’re going to look at colleges across America. Like as a potential-one-day-maybe-parent I’m a little freaked out by the idea of an eighteen year-old and a fifteen year-old crossing America alone together in the days before cell phones, but if my kids were Eric and Cory, I’d like to think I’d be open to it.
Well, if Mom and Dad Brady had taught Marcia about the right thing to do, she would keep the date with Charlie. She could also tell Doug that she was so excited to go to the dance with him that she totally forgot about Charlie. This means she’s going to a. keep the date with Charlie like she should and b. flatter the hell out of Doug even though she’s canceling on him, which means he’s definitely going to ask her for a rain check.
But no, that’s not how this story goes. She spends all of her time with Doug now and chats forever with him on the phone. It’s after one of these phone chats, that she walks out into the backyard to talk to Peter and Bobby–and that’s when we get the infamous football to the face scene. And after that we have to hear Marcia complain for the rest of the episode because she’s no longer pretty for her date. I mean it’s not like the first time she’s met Doug. Can’t he just use his imagination? And if not, then can we just agree he’s a jerk?
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